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Original poster

Very frightened now

45 replies

daffodil1224 · 14/03/2020 22:00

I don't want to go into the background as no point and I haven't the energy.

I'm mentally not well. Trying to cope with my kids and doing able to. Went to a and e and begged for help. My kids aRENT in danger they are clean fed at school everyday etc. But they got social services on to me anyway.

So now I feel the only point of help (going to a and e) is no longer an option as the risk is my kids will be removed. I've posted before under a diff name about this before I went to a and e and was encouraged to seek help and all would be fine. It wasn't fine at all, so now I can't ever go back to them for help. So what now?

I have my pills but they don't help so I've stopped them. I've stopped my other medication as well now as what's the point?

OP posts:
Original poster
daffodil1224 · 14/03/2020 22:01

I feel very very unwell. Very scared. Can't go to anyone as my poor children will be taken this time. Last time they agreed I was unwell but not unwell enough and my kids have a great bond with me and are well cared for.

I was diagnosed with bpd last time. I have literally no one around me to lean on.

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Original poster
daffodil1224 · 14/03/2020 22:04

Feel very very scared now. I don't see any way out of this. I'll never trust doctors/nhs/a and e again.

I need a real life person who isn't able to snatch my kids to just come and sit with me. No family to help me

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Iwonder777 · 14/03/2020 22:12

Sounds horrible. I am sorry. Can you make a cuppa come tell me a little more about what's going on / bothering you?

Original poster
daffodil1224 · 14/03/2020 22:15

@Iwonder777 I don't even know. I have three children, I'm quite young to have three,youngest two are close in age and both babies. I shouldn't have had them. Awful to say and they are gorgeous and I love them but I am not able to offer them the loving mother role. I do look after them of course but I hate every moment of it.

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Original poster
daffodil1224 · 14/03/2020 22:16

I'm alone in a horrid town, family far away, toxic parents, horrid partner, no job.

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Original poster
daffodil1224 · 14/03/2020 22:18

I just don't want to be here anymore. I have every single second with these babies. I've sat and watched sad things now like long lost family for some sort of release of my emotions and now down the rabbit hole of watching other sad stuff. My parents are awful, he is Abusive, she doesn't care.

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Marie84 · 14/03/2020 22:19

I'm so sorry to hear you feel like this. Have you been to your GP? There is no shame in asking for help and they will do what is best for you and your children. If you want what's best for your children I really think you need to get help, maybe you just need different medication? Please don't suffer alone, it's not fair on you or your children. Take care.

Iwonder777 · 14/03/2020 22:23

All of that sounds tough. Keep talking ... we are here

Original poster
daffodil1224 · 14/03/2020 22:24

I've been to my go so many times. It all got worse after my baby was born (he is 8 weeks old) and the health visitor got involved. It's not pnd, as I said ijabe borderline personality disorder, no doubt due to my dad who would hit me while my mum held me in place.

I think I sound mental but in fact I get out and take my babies to groups every day. I come across as normal and well but I do not want to be here anymore. Wish I had the luxury of ending it but no, I have a duty to these poor kids

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Original poster
daffodil1224 · 14/03/2020 22:26

I don't want to dwell. I want to know what to do? I don't think I can go to the hospital again because of my children

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Original poster
daffodil1224 · 14/03/2020 22:27

When I went to a and d I was put in a "suite" with a woman who had been arrested for running around the streets and threatening people with knives and another who had a drug habit, I felt so far removed from them

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Iwonder777 · 14/03/2020 22:28

You mentioned you went to a and e this time? Tell me more about that? When?

Also, social services wise, when was their last involvement with you?

You mentioned your meds, what were they and when did you stop?

Can you restart them ? As maybe they were helping more than you thought?

greathat · 14/03/2020 22:28

Is there a friend you can call? Or give the Samaritans a ring?

Iwonder777 · 14/03/2020 22:29

Sorry cross posted

KilljoysDutch · 14/03/2020 22:30

If you're in Nottingham PM me. I'll come to you and sit and listen. I have BPD too and SS involvement unrelated to my MH but it has been brought up but they have no interest in removing my children and I promise they won't have any in removing yours either.

Iwonder777 · 14/03/2020 22:31

How long have thou felt THIS badly?

You def sound like you've historic trauma but you can still have postnatal depression too. Please don't discount it, Doesn't make you a bad mum, rather a suffering mum. You sound exhausted.

Has your h v made a plan to come back to see you this week?

KilljoysDutch · 14/03/2020 22:32

Also you can have PND co-morbid with BPD it's not unusual and it can make your BPD a hell of a lot worse it did to me.

Original poster
daffodil1224 · 14/03/2020 22:34

I went to a and e about three weeks ago. They said can you give permission for us to pass on your info to other services. I said I really would rather not, as I guessed they meant social services. They lied and said don't worry it'll be an occasional call to check you're okay. But the next day I was called by a woman called comfort (ha) who tried to delve into every aspect of my life. I said no I don't want this which apparently caused even more concern. After two days she agreed(after delving through my medical records and my kids and after contacting my
Sons school against my will) to close the case.

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Iwonder777 · 14/03/2020 22:35

Yes. PND so common. Please don't do anything rash or harm yourself as this hopelessness will become less dark. I say that as someone who didn't believe it for herself. It did. You can keep liaising on here, well listen.

Original poster
daffodil1224 · 14/03/2020 22:35

Thank you, I'm not in Nottingham though I am in Essex

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Iwonder777 · 14/03/2020 22:36

Have you ever phoned Samaritans ?

Elieza · 14/03/2020 22:36

You could just need a tweak to your medication. It can make all the difference. My ex was bpd and the difference once he got on the right meds was unbelievable.

Please go back to your GP.

Original poster
daffodil1224 · 14/03/2020 22:37

No I haven't. I don't see the point now tbh. If there was a way to leave and ensure my children would be okay I'd do it but sadly not so they are forced to endure me

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Iwonder777 · 14/03/2020 22:38

They listen. I quite like that. As sometimes we just don't feel listened to and that is horrendous.

Do you feel suicidal if you don't mind my asking? Or just desperate for change? Some help with your m health so you can live more meaningfully?

Original poster
daffodil1224 · 14/03/2020 22:39

I don't think I have pnd, I think he is lovely and I care for him and don't want to hurt him, I regret having him because I feel sorry for him that he deserves more

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