Very frightened now

[daffodil1224]

I don't want to go into the background as no point and I haven't the energy.

I'm mentally not well. Trying to cope with my kids and doing able to. Went to a and e and begged for help. My kids aRENT in danger they are clean fed at school everyday etc. But they got social services on to me anyway.

So now I feel the only point of help (going to a and e) is no longer an option as the risk is my kids will be removed. I've posted before under a diff name about this before I went to a and e and was encouraged to seek help and all would be fine. It wasn't fine at all, so now I can't ever go back to them for help. So what now?

I have my pills but they don't help so I've stopped them. I've stopped my other medication as well now as what's the point?

The awful thing is people who take their lives often think they're doing their loved ones a favour when in reality the pain their lives ones carry from the loss is horrendous.

They need you. Even a broken you is better than no you. Honestly I talk from experience.

I don't think I can live any sort of happy life anymore. I'm literally only here now to make sure my children are looked after (to a point - I'm sure they'll suffer because of my lack of proper Emotional care). I do feel suicidal but can't act on it. Though tbh maybeitd be better if I did, put an end to this once and for all and allow them the chance of a normal life

From what you say I think you are doing a great job with your children. I suffered from depression several years ago and it took everything I had to even get out of bed most days and I had 3 young children. So I kind of understand how you feel. I think calling the Samaritans would be a great idea, they are fantastic. I really hope you cab feel better soon.

All women are hugely vulnerable 8 weeks after giving birth. I can only imagine how heightened that might be with a BPD diagnosis.

How you feel now, no matter how awful, is temporary. You will not always feel like this.

If your mood lifted a little, you might feel well enough to make some life changes which could help with a brighter future. Lots of people on here can give practical advice on who to see to ask for help.

Your children love and need you.

PND doesn't always cause issues with bonding and your baby. I felt my kids deserved better too but I was ill and I didn't know it :/ I just hated that they had been dealt me as their mother. I was a joke. I loathed myself. I was severely depressed but functional. Scary place to be. In truth, they love me. I nearly took myself from them. Can you write how you feel down?

You must see a GP?

Did a and e arrange no follow up mh help ?

Who prescribes your meds?

I really, really empathise.
I recommend that you call out of hours now. It sounds as though you are at crisis point and you need help.
If you’ve been diagnosed with BPD before, are you under the care of a mental health professional/team at the moment? If so, call them too, ASAP. Did you come off medication by yourself or under supervision?
I wouldn’t write off the possibility of PND because you’re caring and feel for your son, PND can manifest in lots of different ways. Your baby is very young and with 2 other kids to care for, anyone would feel overwhelmed, particularly with the additional issues you’re facing.

You’re doing a great job, well done. But you need to care for yourself so you can be your best for your kids.

You are in mental health crisis and you need to speak to someone about that. Can you contact 111 and see what other help is available for you in your area?

You have a partner OP, I'm sure he can take care of the children while you seek help and support.

Social Services rarely swoop in and take children away. They are more than likely going to see how they can support you until you feel a bit better.

There's a crisis text resource called Shout. You can text SHOUT to 85258 and will receive a response from a trained team of people who can provide support.

OP being somewhere safe, such as A&E, even if it's in a room with a drug addict, is better than self harming or worse. Your children need you to stay alive.

Hopefully the hospital can review your medication and try something else. You need longer term support than regular crisis trips to A&E. Your treatment is evidently not working. Can you contact Rethink for further advice and information on what to do next next week?

Rethink
National Advice Service: 0300 5000 927 (Open 10am to 2pm, Monday to Friday) [email protected]

In the meantime, you can also contact your out of hours Dr if you don't want to call 111.

I have also felt that my kids would be better off without me and it’s a terrifying feeling. But you can get through this.

@Iwonder777 how long ago was this if you don't mind me asking, how are you now? Do you "get by" or actually feel happy?

There was nothing put in place from the a ande trip. I was just told to make an urgent gp app which I did and the gp prescribed the tablets (the 5th type I've tried). Then I got fast tracked to see a psychiatrist by my Heath visitor who didn't do much tbh. I'm seriously my hv again on Monday but what's the use

Hi op I think I recall your last thread. So sorry that things have not got better for you.

What is the situation with your partner? He should be supporting you in every possible way so soon after the birth of your youngest but it seems like he isn't. Is this a big factor in how you are feeling?

After what I experienced last time with "comfort" I'll never go back

How long did you give your new medication to work OP?

They sometimes have side effects like anxiety. Do you think that's what you're feeling? An overwhelming panicky feeling where you're not sure what you're going to do and are scared?

Can you ask the health visitor to refer you to the perinatal mental health team? It sounds v much like post partum depression could be playing a role in all this.

Of course, 5 years ago now.

Yes I'm a fully functional person - not filled with doom- not just existing. I do take daily meds though and have to self care as I am prone to depression now.

It's a hellish disease.

Will you attend the psychiatrist when you get the appt?

Please consider writing a letter tonight for your health visitor - tell her what you're telling us.

You must be honest - you need help.

Please let your h v in on how you feel. She'll be worried about you too i bet.

I don't think I can live any sort of happy life anymore. I'm literally only here now to make sure my children are looked after (to a point - I'm sure they'll suffer because of my lack of proper Emotional care). I do feel suicidal but can't act on it. Though tbh maybeitd be better if I did, put an end to this once and for all and allow them the chance of a normal life

Oh my I could have written this. The guilt I feel when I look at my DC is overwhelming. I have a "placeholder" diagnosis of PND but don't feel it really fits, it's not that I don't adore every inch of my DD I just know that she'd have a better life if she wasn't mine.

No point to this post because I'm equally lost but you are so not alone.

@pndventing I'm so sorry you feel this way too. It's such a horrid and overwhelming feeling, it takes over every second of my day. Hope you're okay

op I have bpd and a 9yr old and 2yr old. I also had horrendous pnd after my second son (who's now 2 and a half). I woke up every day wishing I had died overnight of some freak illness so I could just be gone without the guilt of doing it myself. I would look at his lovely little face and feel disgusted at myself for even thinking about suicide or feeling so awful when he was so perfect. My moods were up and down over and over every day. I'd go from numb to feeling like I had third degree emotional burns that would kill me over and over every day. It really was unbearable.

The only thing that helped was actually admitting to myself that maybe it was pnd as well as bpd. And acknowledging that DS was tiny, of course my mental health was awful. It's such an awfuly vulnerable time for women anyway let alone women who have pre existing conditions. I was in a low key abusive relationship too and alienated from anyone who cared.

I also went to A&E out of desperation and they contacted SS. They closed the case too, like yours. And that's a good thing because they're essentially saying you're doing a good job. They look upon it much worse if you're struggling or go on to have a failed attempt and haven't seemed help previously. So although it's horrible, it's not a reflection on you, it's protocol.

I eventually got dbt therapy after a 2 year wait. I left my husband who was bad for my mental health. I slept more because DS got older. I tried out different meds and it was decided I'm better off on nothing and just having therapy. Bpd is so different for everyone who experiences it and different things work for different people but it will get better. Your life won't be this intense forever. You'll sleep. You'll feel more like yourself. Maybe you do have pnd and maybe meds will help. Practice some self acceptance and self kindness. You've been through a lot. And it's not your fault. Any of it. This is a really hard time in anyone's life and its not a character flaw that you feel as awful as you do. And it can get bettrr. It will get better. Just keep reaching out when you feel up to it. Post on here. Talk to anyone you trust. Look for specialist help like post or prenatal mental health services. IAPT (Improving Access to Psychological Therapies, which is like talking therapies but for people with more acute or complex issues). It's not game over yet

That was a bit of a ramble but what I'm trying to say is it gets better. I was my worst yet after DS and I thought that was it. It would finally be the death of me. And if I'd known then how much better things would be a year or 2 years down the line it would have helped so much. Life isn't easy and I still struggle with bpd all the time but it's managable. It's not all encompassing. And I actually enjoy being a mum and being with my children. Which always felt impossible before. I was just going through the motions because I loved them and knew they needed me. The guilt kept me going. Take it one cup of tea, or walk or nap or stretch of a few hours at a time. Eventually, one day, you'll get through a whole day that felt managable. And you'll feel hopeful

Wise words x

Hope you're OK op