Help mixed episode

[Theodoreb]

All the stress and anxiety has led to me self isolating the household i have severe copd and I am frightened.

I have bipolar and schizophrenia and have one weeks worth of medication as I am not allowed more owing to recurrent previous overdoses. But I do now have monthly diazepam to calm down mania or paranoia I get 40 a month and have 28 left as only use them when needed have been using them to keep me calm.

Didn't sleep at all last night I tried my best as knew the familiar feelings of mania and as I'm sure people are aware being stuck in the house I was manic most of the albeit controlled with diazepam. About two hours ago my mood crashed now I am sat her feeling like I am not good enough frightened that when my mood goes back up I'm going to need sectioning and I can't afford that with my dc right now they need me. All 3 dc have special needs and no one else can actually cope with them apart from my mum and she is in a bad place right now owing to issues with my sister, I do not want to put this stress on her.

I am feeling urges to self injure to control something in life anything, I also have underlying Eating disorders so have been refusing food as a method of having control.

I am just so so frightened.

Sorry my message is probably muddled and hard to read that's because it reflects my mental health state muddled and confused.

Hi OP, how are you feeling now?

Very down I keep sleeping a lot but this is better than being up as I can handle being depressed it's just when I'm manic I lose control.

my schizophrenia is acting up making me frightened someone is going to break in but so far managing and coping.

only my oldest who is 14 has noticed it's hard to keep it from him but he's not too worried he knows I have minor episodes and that I'm always fine. He also knows that if I need help emergency services will act quickly.

You sound really good to me OP. Your writing is clear and well paragraphed, totally comprehensible which is a really good sign that things are under control.

Do you have any strategies on how to manage your anxiety? You say your schizophrenia is 'acting up' - is that paranoia? Are you under the care of a mental health team? Do you have any numbers you can call for when you're feeling very panicky?

Yes my paranoia is acting up people panic buying is triggering it, makes me frightened as I always have a well stocked house for eventuality's when I am unwell and cannot go to the shop for a couple of weeks. Just paranoid people are going to break in to take food.

I am only under care of a psychiatrist it was decided to put me on more frequent psychiatrist visits and abandon cpns as my psychiatrist feels I manage my illness better with a monthly appointment in which my meds can be temporarily increased if I'm unwell.

If I get severely unwell I can call the on duty officer who will get me a appointment within a week.

I'm doing ok I think it's just the current situation with this virus making me feel mood disturbances and paranoia but I imagine all with mental illness are currently struggling.

When I first posted I was manic and frightened but have since been slightly down and I am coping with it now, i have strategies in place to help for mild illness like well stocked cupboards, prn medication which I have taken which is stabilizing my mood I feel a lot better than I did.

You're amazing. You reached out for support, you saw exactly what you needed to do to stabilise your mood. You're completely aware that it's your illness 'acting up' and that the current environment is causing paranoia.

Fantastic. Everyone is panicking it seems OP. I was in Tesco last night, wandering the empty shelves looking for Soy milk. I don't think we're quite at the breaking into houses to steal toilet roll but I'm not surprised it's triggering you. It seems to be causing panic in others.

Have you managed to sort out your sleep?

Thank you for sleep I have prn zopiclone 7.5mg and diazepam 5mg and clonazepam 0.5mg I just take those when I struggle sleeping as apparently my sleep directly effects my mood regulation.

I took some diazepam earlier to stay calm so I am feeling quite calm and chilled at the minute but as my meds are only as needed I have about 40 diazepam and 7 zopiclone so I have plenty to stabilize my mood by my self.

I slept for 8hours last night which is brill think it's just that now I've felt a blip in my mania and paranoia I need to be very careful as while I am able to recognize and alter things during mild to moderate episodes during a severe one I lose control.

But I am no where near that point yet. Thanks for the hand hold it's very much appreciated.

It's no problem at all and you're quite right in that sleep is really important for good mental health.

Yes, it sounds as though you recognise this blip and are managing it, very successfully OP. I think those 8 hours really helped you to get this under control.

You're doing really well. Can I assure you that no one is going to break in for your food? I know I'm just someone on the internet but you're going to be ok.

Thank you it does reassure me I also have a friend in my ear saying they going to stop giving me my meds when things get bad and I don't know how true this is as I'm avoiding news as it makes me paranoid and anxious can I ask in countries that have locked down are they still giving people their medication?

She also says because of my mental illness and copd if I catch corona virus they will let me die because I cost the nhs so much in tablets hospital and psychiatric care and disability and that in some countries when asked to chose they would just let me die even though I'm only 32?

What friend is that OP? Is it a voice?

It's highly unlikely that they are just going to let you die. You are a mother, you're only 32 and you have a whole lot of life left to live. There is no way people are going to stop your medication or let you die as you cost too much.

I'm really sorry you feel that way. Please don't listen to that friend OP. You don't need friends like that. It's not that bad in any country that I know of. They're not just letting people die by withholding medication.

I'm also bipolar and struggling right now, I've also got an underlying condition and tried to work out my priority for an intensive care bed.

Another worry is losing my mental health support, I also get meds weekly but am confident pharmacies will be an essential service which will keep functioning.

Please don't listen to the voice about the meds and IC beds, or rather do your best to challenge it.

It sounds like you're doing as well as you can do right now. I hope you feel a bit better for having talked about it.

Yes it is a voice ive already made arrangements to have my meds delivered to me and after isolation I've decided to send children to school as I cannot keep them off 3 months that's not fair.

I decided instead of staying in at all times like I am right now or going to nightclub once a week I'm going to take a more reasoned choice from next Friday when isolation ends I'm going to have a friend over for a drink in house instead of going to town or staying in completely nice middle ground I think.

While kids are going to school that is all they will be doing so I will only be going out to do school run, shop if my online delivery's stop getting bits I need and having a friend over, more rational I think.

@Gingerkittykat sorry you are also struggling hope you feel better soon.

Thanks to you both I feel much better and more reassured and less paranoid almost like you've given me ammo to fire back at voice which helps. And it helps having been able to talk without being judged.

OP I'm so pleased to hear this has helped. Do you think a check in this week with your team would help, to let them know you've been struggling? It might be good just for reassurance and to keep them updated.

I'm also wondering if drinking may not be such a great idea right now. It's up to you, obviously but it may exacerbate symptoms. Great idea to see a friend though.

Keep challenging that voice OP, no one is going to let you die, you have organised your medication, you are not going to have a break in.

My mum also said not to drink as when I drink my medication doesn't work and the next day I'm really bad so think your absolutely right I can still have a friend over maybe I can suggest take away and movie marathon instead to him he knows drink messes my head up so should be fine with that.

I can't see mental health till next week as I'm self isolating because me and my two dc had a mild cough which is gone now but I am following guidelines even though I'm certain it's not Coronavirus. As if it was Coronavirus I would have probably been very unwell at least.

I got shopping being delivered tomorrow once I see that deliveries are still going ahead that should calm the voice down even more.

Thank you so much for all the time you've given me I don't talk to people about my mental illness other than my mum as I worry I'll get judged so it's brilliant to have a place here were in can talk freely.

Take away and a movie marathon sounds great! What movies will you watch?

I'm really pleased you're not going to drink, I think your mum's right. I doubt it's Coronovirus OP, you're right, you'd be a lot worse but well done for following guidelines.

Mental ill health is not widely understood and I'm sorry there aren't more people to talk about it with. Perhaps contact Mind or Rethink as they have support groups. It might be good to speak to people going through the same thing. Something to think about maybe?

Going to start The Hobbit and Lord Of The Rings all extended versions.

I will contact mind but generally I prefer to keep myself to myself I'm very isolated and don't really have many friends. I only have 3 friends one who has potential to maybe be more in future but taking things very slow as need to be certain and I don't trust easily.

It's always good to go slow OP.

That sounds great. I'm a complete Tolkein freak and that sounds like my idea of heaven.

I completely understand being introverted and not being up for meeting too many people. No harm in having a chat with Mind to see if there's anything going on locally, you don't have to do anything or go. It would just be nice to talk to people who totally 'get' you, you know?

I am now symptom free, I am through this episode and would like to thank you very much for your support, there seems to be very little of it right now unfortunately.
The Lord Of The Rings marathon is also my idea of heaven always liked fantasy as I can completely lose myself in a fantasy and forget my mental illness I first read Lord Of The Rings when I was 13 in my first major mania and it kept me sane.

I had a friend with bipolar who is now dead, and my ex boyfriend with schizophrenia who I still love very much is in prison so I'm reluctant to make friends who get me as I tend to lose them.

First, I'm really sorry to hear about both your ex and friend. That's very sad.

However, I am absolutely delighted that you are feeling better. Sitting, not doubt like Smaug, on your food mountain

Yes, yes yes to losing yourself in fantasy though few books compare imo to LoR. Have you read the Wizard of Earthsea by Ursula Le Guin? Love that book!

I completely understand why, after losing people you love, you are reluctant to take risks.

I haven't read those always up for new reading though so will give them a go. Been on a site recently where new authors post their stories sand if they appeal to you you can purchase the rest of the book and leave feedback. I'm loving it.

I am indeed like Smaug on my food for once my mental illness has had a bonus point. Don't think I could actually face the shops right now tbh looking at videos. I'm hoping by the time my food runs out that shops will be back to normal but I'm not hopeful.

I was very sad about my ex and my friend both had significant mental health problems like myself and I feel like the system let them down as it leaves thousands of vulnerable mentally ill people down.

Here I am doesn't show my food horde though

I'm loving Smaug on his toilet rolls and with his mask.

You are so right about people with mental health issues being let down. If you're not well it's very difficult to advocate for yourself and, if you don't advocate for yourself, you're going to get fobbed off because of lack of resources. Also, if you're in a rural area, then there's probably nothing available.

A friend of mine was suicidal and went to the Dr. She eventually received therapy after a two year wait!

I have a delivery booked for next week and I'm hopeful it's not going to be cancelled.

I really recommend Ursula Le Guin, if you're looking for something to read. Here's her website.

I had a delivery yesterday, I was super anxious as they didn't update to order packed until about a hour before my delivery slot and it arrived late but it did arrive, most items on there but I bought all fresh food.

I have arranged for my medication to be delivered as doctors are unwilling to put me on monthly scripts as they are concerned that under these stressful times me having a months worth of medication is unwise.

I will definitely look at the link as I have nothing much to do now.

I also called my gp and got her to prescribe me a emergency pack for my copd in which I have a weeks worth of steroids and antibiotics she said if I have cough lasting longer I need to be admitted so would only give me one weeks worth, but it's comforting to know it's there.

How are you coping? A lot of people are moaning now they have shut the schools I know this is going to be a tremendous strain on the whole country but I'm sure we can get through this all together.

Hi Theodoreb glad you are feeling a bit better.
When you get an intrusive voice in your ear, have you tried blotting it out by listening to music, or a CD recording of a book? Available from libraries.