To think if I weren't a parent, I would kill myself today?

[GracefulDroid]

I dont know why I'm even posting, I guess I dont know what else to do.

Has anyone ever felt the same? Like the only reason i haven't is because of my kids, yet my kids are a large part of why i cant cope. I'm the shittiest mother, honestly. I cant even call samaritans because of my anxiety around using the phone. Delete this is you want to, I'm sorry if I pissed anyone off

Life can be pretty sucky, and our responsibilities get us through.

Take a breath OP, why do you feel like the shittiest mother?

You’re not pissing anyone off. And I’m sure you’re not a shitty mother.
Can you email Samaritans? I know what you mean about the phone OP.

We are all rubbish mums at times. I was extra rubbish with DS1, till he was about 7. We got through it, though.

I think there are online supports you can access, doesn't need to be phone.

@GracefulDroid for you. You're upset and in crisis. People understand, we've all been there OP. What's happened to make you feel like this?

What's happened today to make you feel so bad?

@GracefulDroid So sorry you're going through such a difficult time OP. I think a lot of mothers feel like this at some point. Why do you feel like you're a shitty mother and how old are your children? Is there any extra help you can get from your partner or extended family to take the pressure off? Perhaps some counseling would be a good idea and any lifestyle changes to help with depression or anxiety. Sending best wishes. X

It sounds like you’re very depressed and struggling. Can you make an appointment with the GP to talk about things? You can book via an app at some places. If you don’t want to call Samaritans you can email them: [email protected]

Is there someone in real life you can approach?

You’re not a bad mother at all. You’re posting on here about how you are putting them first. But you do need to look after yourself and speak to someone about what you’re going through.

Hey, hugs.

You can email samaritans if that would help? [email protected]

Or you can text Shout to 85258.

Please talk to someone IRL if you are struggling. It's always worth saying something

I’m sure you’re a much better mother than you think.
How old are your children?

The hardest part of dealing with your mental health is asking for help but it does get easier I promise. It’s like ripping off the most painful plaster in the world. Please call or email Samaritans if you can, they won’t judge you and they’ll be so glad you called them.

You are more than a mother and you have your whole life ahead of you. It’s so scary when you are dealing with everyone on your own in your own mind, you need to share the load and there are people out there ready to listen x

Everything*

Hope you're ok op. Whole bunch of clever people on here with great advice. And the rest of us listening with hugs and understanding.

I feel exactly the same, OP.
DC are the reason I'm here.
Hope you feel better soon.

I feel the same sometimes, it's ebbs and it flows. I feel like the world is shit and scary and it would be so easy to give up. I find life hard and I don't see the point.
But then after a while I feel a bit better again and can enjoy things and see the good that is there.
When I'm feeling low I always practice self care. Once the kids are in bed I look after me, watch my favourite show, have a bath, eat cake. Anything that I usually like when I'm not low. I also cry a lot and I feel better after it.
You're not alone.

Hello
Children are 8 and 3. 3 year old DS is defiant, obstructive, he tantrums, he needs everything his way, ASD was suggested a few times but nothing happened after that and no one believes me when I say he is different. 8 year old DD was my best friend until ds was about 2, now she resents him and tells me I always take his side.

She told me recently she wishes she lived with my mother (who I love and is a much better parent than I've ever been, but openly dislikes DS which makes me feel like I need to take his side and stick up for him) it's like me and ds against her and dd. I love my daughter but I dont know how to make her happy anymore.

The house is a tip, I dont shower, they seemed cry constantly, I'm snappy, I say things I dont mean, I dont play with them, I cant see what good I'm doing either of them.

We just returned from a weekend at the coast with my mum. She told me ds will grow up to be a bully and that I take his side. I dont think I do but maybe I do? I try to be fair.
We met up with my aunt while away who took me aside and said "I honestly dont know how you cope"

The truth is I dont. I dont cope. I'm scared to ask the GP because my history of mental health issues was used against me in court during an awful cutody battle, if he ever tried to take me back to court for the kids and I had recent depression or whatever then he could use it against me again? I'm just rambling now, thank you for replying.

See me cry*

You’re not rambling at all. Talking to the GP is a good first step. Parenting classes? (May teach you to suck eggs but may give you a useful perspective?)
Do you ever get any time to yourself? Does youngest go to nursery?

I have no helpful advice because my DS is only 6 months but I just wanted to say that I understand how you feel. I just keep telling myself that losing a parent to suicide will fuck my child up more than any of my piss poor parenting. It sounds like you have a huge amount on your plate and are doing so incredibly well. I'm in awe of what you have to cope with. For today, can you just have a quick shower and call that a win. Sometimes baby steps are the best and only way

OP, you are struggling. Your three year old is pushing the boundaries and isn't aware at this side of 'taking sides'. (Also he's very young to be labelled as a bully) You perhaps need to rein him in a little so that your DD doesn't think you are never on her side. Is he at playgroup/nursery?

Could your mum or aunt help out? Do either of them live near enough for them to look after DS once in a while to give you one to one time with your daughter?

You aren't a bad mother. You're just struggling and it's overwhelming. I agree with previous posters that you can email the Samaritans.

Blimey your mother doesn't sound like a good parent ! Sorry to be blunt but is her treatment of you causing your issue ? Is she generally kind and supportive of you

So sorry you're struggling, OP. I have been in your situation and it is very difficult.

Are you getting enough sleep? Have you got any friends who would help you to tidy up?

You can e-mail the Samaritans. I had to do it last summer when the camel's back got well & truly broken. It was [email protected] then; I don't know whether this has changed. Obviously it will take a day or so for them to reply but it does give you a chance to go through everything that's wrong before anyone tries to respond to one issue.

I would also have found it impossible to do this by phone.

Can you focus on managing the relationship with DD? Make sure you and she have time together without DS, maybe when he's in bed.

Things will get better.