To think if I weren't a parent, I would kill myself today?

[GracefulDroid]

I dont know why I'm even posting, I guess I dont know what else to do.

Has anyone ever felt the same? Like the only reason i haven't is because of my kids, yet my kids are a large part of why i cant cope. I'm the shittiest mother, honestly. I cant even call samaritans because of my anxiety around using the phone. Delete this is you want to, I'm sorry if I pissed anyone off

Hello Graceful, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Perhaps this will be a less anxiety-provoking experience than ringing? You could just cut and paste what you've written here?

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We have moved your thread to MH now, Graceful, we hope you don't mind. And we're so sorry that you've been taken so low. These are anxiety-provoking times at the moment, it's hard. Much love. Deep breaths.

And OP, I found that if I just did one thing (from a long list) during the day, which was a struggle generally, I felt a little better. So for example, if I managed to change the beds one day, that would be an achievement.

Try to break tasks down into bits and do a little, every day, if you can.

Sometimes our parents say things which touch a nerve, too.

Thank you for replies, and thank you MNHQ for responding as well
To answer some, my mum is generally supportive and has gone above and beyond for me numerous times. I dont know why she dislikes ds so much, she just does. I've been trying recently to spend more time with dd but it hasnt changed anything. Ds doesnt get his own way all the time but they do have different versions of the same rules (because hes 3 and shes 8, not because hes difficult or I fear tantrums)

Ds goes to preschool 2 days a week so I do get time which I tend to use for errands and napping. I'm tired all the time, as in I can sleep for 2 hours or 12 hours and I will still fall asleep the next day if I sit down too long.

Wow, that sounds really hard GracefulDroid. Can you have a chat with your DD and tell her you don't mean to favour your DS so can she give you some examples of when you're doing that so you can either explain them to her, or change how you handle those things so it feels fairer to DD. I'm not suggesting you are favouring him, but it's her perception that you are that it bothering her, so it's that that needs addressing.

Oh and ds spends all but one weekend a month at his dads friday to sunday so dd gets lots of one on one time

I'll try that Throckmorton, thank you

Worth a physical check up if you’re so tired. Thyroid etc.
What do preschool say about his behaviour?
When you say different versions of the rules can you give an example?

I agree that it might be worth some blood tests to make sure that there are no physical reasons for feeling tired. If the thyroid stops working properly it can cause havoc, but it is easily managed with medication.

Have you ever heard of "Love Bombing"? It might be worth a look to do with your daughter one day when DS is with his father.

Can you access some low cost counselling? If you google it in your area, you might find there is something that could help.

Is it worth raising the questions about ASD with the preschool?

It's a cliche, but it's OK to not be OK. It is good that you have been able to post here - are there any real life avenues for you to find support? The important thing IMO is to build your sense of support and boost your own safety.

Parenting is so hard. Parenting children with needs is even harder. It is a temporary thing, it will get easier, if in only that your son will go to school 9- 3 after his 4th birthday. Are there any groups you could join re adhd? I know it’s not diagnosed yet but they would still welcome you and it’s so much of a relief to speak to others in the same position and feel you’re not alone.
I have 2 children who are absolutely lovely now but when my daughter was little right up to the about 9, a complete nightmare. I used to wonder why me. She was so stubborn and feisty, it was completely draining. That was with a decent financial set up, a partner and friends, so I can’t imagine being a single parent and dealing with that. Please be kind to yourself and know that many many mums are struggling despite outward appearances. Big hugs x

Please do see your GP. To me it does sound like a textbook case of depression, which can easily be treated with tablets like Sertraline.
If you get better from their treatment, there is no way it could be used against you! As you'll be doing so well. And actually much worse for your kids to be with a mum who is struggling to function... good luck! X

Please get a bloodtest done. Vitamin d deficiency and thyroid problems made me feel tired and unable to cope...but I thought it was my parenting and my.childs autism. Stress can trigger thyroid problems too. I take vit d 1000iu a day and thyroxine (prescription) feel so much less desperate

Hes only been at preschool a few weeks and doesnt move up to school until next september, next year. They haven't said much so far but when I go to pick him up he is playing alone.

By different versions of the rules I mean things like dd has chores like bringing the washing up (cups) through to the kitchen and putting her toys upstairs and her shoes and coat away, whereas ds being 3 will put his shoes away but not his coat (he cant reach) and put his toys away but not bring any washing up through so she says it's not fair he gets to "only" do his toys and shoes but I will do his coat and why cant I do her coat etc. Its silly things like that, which I have explained to her when she was 3 I did her coat for her, and when he is 8 he will have to do his own coat but she still complains.

I had a blood test a few years ago and they said I was on the cusp of having a thyroid problem but didnt quite meet the threshold in some way, could that have changed? I would say I have been exhausted constantly for about 10 years now. Originally they said M.E but then later changed it to a shrug basically.

Can you maybe switch the chores around so he does her toys as well as his own, and she does his coat as well as hers - that is basically the same to adult eyes, but might seem fairer to her. Get her buy-in first though :)

I would pick your battles with the kids. Can he have a hook he can reach for the coat? You do the plates? (For example.)
I would also see the GP. Thyroid etc can change. I’m similarly knackered but I have been diagnosed with fibromyalgia.

I'll call the doctor

Glad you are seeing GP.

Some of what upsets you may be normal child grumbling which affects you worse because you are feeling low. If it's any reassurance DS1 went through a stage of despising DS2. It worked out in the end.

Don't feel bad about napping whenever you get the chance. You may we'll need it!

Do. Really do. They can help and you deserve to feel so much better than you do.

With thyroid, check the TSH as well. Sometimes that can be out of whack but the level of thyroxine is within normal levels.

How are you feeling GracefulDroid?