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[RoundandroundIgo]

I've had a really terrible few years. Miscarriage caused depression. I then started therapy but my boss was shitty about it and started trying to force me out of my job so went through tribunal which took a long time. I won but it didn't really make me feel any better and a lot of damage was done to my mental health during the court stuff.

I was so suicidal during all of the legal proceedings that I got a lot of therapy: CBT, counselling, CAT, but I was feeling so crap that none of it did much. I was so extreme in my reactions to everything that a nurse who I met twice decided I had BPD and I had to really fight to challenge that. My friend, who is a psychologist, thought I had PTSD but the psychiatrist was really dismissive of this and said I hadn't really seen or experienced anything life-threatening so it was just severe depression and anxiety. My GP was great and then I was also referred to the CMHT and my nurse was great, but it only took one small thing to throw me back to suicidal thoughts and thinking that death was the only way out of everything. GP and a therapist thought PTSD was right but diagnosis remained depression.

Last month, a medical study was released that showed that miscarriages can cause PTSD. It's made me really angry that the mental health people just dismissed it when it was raised. I'm currently avoiding my GP and CPN because I'm so angry about it that I know I will get upset if I tell them this because there's nothing that can be done about it now - all the patterns of thinking are so ingrained that the time for whatever would have been the right treatment has passed. It's also not their fault.

I just can't see the point in anything and my head just goes back to saying "I want to be dead" and obsessing over suicide methods. While this is not new, I've always had something waiting (new meds, new therapy, end of tribunal) that someone would say might help and I would think ok, worth a try. But I don't feel I trust the mental health team anymore and I can't see the point in keeping trying new stuff when I ultimately feel too broken to fix.

Wow, you have been through a relentless amount of shit and you are still going!

I am sorry to hear about your miscarriage and I believe that will trigger PTSD. Did you get to grieve the miscarriage?

You must find the fight in you to carry on, try and get yourself in a more peaceful place.

You should take a look at Richard Grannon on YouTube he talks a lot about PTSD and Complex Ptsd.

Start loving yourself more you have been through tough times and treated badly by a lot of professional people.

Get some good vitamins and probiotics. Eat healthy, get enough sleep, watch funny things, nothing depressing like the news!
Treat yourself to a lipstick or something you can afford to keep your spirits up!

You have had a lot of shit to deal with and you have done it. Keep on going, love yourself more.💖💐

I can recommend the book the mindful way through depression by Mark Williams etc It explains a lot why harmful thought patterns keep reoccurring which might be useful to you.

But I think you can still be treated even if your PTSD diagnosis is a bit later.

Lol after yourself though miscarriage is so tough I had one last year and still feel rough from it x

I have c-ptsd and currently in DBT which is proving useful can you see if that’s an option

That sounds shit. I don't want to say anything that might feel to you like I'm dismissing or undermining that. I'm sorry you've had to go through all that.

I hear your howl of despair, but I'm not sure PTSD can ever be so ingrained that you're beyond help. It's effectively interrupted processing of your memories and keeping you trapped in this threat state, but that can all be altered and improved over time. There's new research all the time too, as you clearly know already.

Has anyone ever talked to you about EMDR? That's one option you could possibly look into.

Your brain is, in its own way, trying to protect you by keeping in mind the idea of suicide - it's a symbolic emergency exit, and as long as the idea is there you're not trapped with this pain forever. It's a way for your brain to try and make your pain more bearable, not something you need to act on. You can't see any other paths right now, but that doesn't mean they aren't there.

Have you thought about whether actually it might be helpful for your GP and CPN to know how angry and justifiably let down you feel? (I feel angry over what happened to you just reading your post.) Could you write them a letter perhaps explaining what you've told us as a way to start that conversation if you're worried you'd get too upset initiating it face to face / verbally?

You are allowed to tell them you feel let down and don't know where to go from here. Telling them gives them an opportunity to reflect on it, to better understand what you're going through, and to respond and explore what can be done next. It might lead to conversations that can change things a little and give you a little hope again.

Hello RoundandroundIgo, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way and have had such a difficult time of things.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

It is too late for an early trauma intervention - that got fucked up and it's not ok you were let down so badly - but it's not too late for a PTSD diagnosis and the appropriate treatment for that. People can be diagnosed decades after their trauma and still benefit from therapies.

(Just trying to cut through my own waffle).

I didn't really have time to grieve and didn't think I deserved to as I had been surprised to get pregnant and initially worried about effect on my son. I couldn't look at pregnant women or discuss babies for about two years, just avoided all discussion or thoughts or it made me cry. By the time I was talking about it, the stuff at work all kicked off.

My current GP suggested EMDR but because Psych says it's not PTSD, MH team says no. This is why I'm angry: all the bullshit about BPD put them down a path of referring me for CAT which was pretty pointless - I hadn't known they were thinking BPD at that time and Psych then ruled it out but they wasted weeks of inappropriate therapy when they could have given me something that would help.

I don't want to write to them or tell them how angry I am because I already had to do a huge complaint about the BPD thing because it was something I only saw in my records by chance when they were called for the legal stuff. Turned out there was loads of inaccurate stuff in there, mainly by Psych (wrong dates, wrong info about sleeping/ eating, wrong name at times) but the main thing was the fake BPD suggestion by the nurse who'd met me twice. I wanted it retracted and had to spend a long time complaining and was very upset about it - which I was aware made it seem even more like I had BPD. So telling them now that I'm angry that they messed up about the PTSD and miscarriage just looks like I'm trying to find more stuff to complain about.

And I honestly have no energy to do it. All my energy is currently going into hating myself for spending all these years hoping that things will get better - with new meds, after the legal stuff finishes, when I have the new therapy when actually NOTHING IS GOING TO PUT ME BACK TO HOW I WAS.
I don't want to be like this. I wasn't before.

Thank you all for being nice.

I understand that the suicide plans are protective and why I do it. I just can't stop. And then I hate myself for not just doing it and having spent years wasting all the time of my friends, my GP, my psychiatrist, various therapists, my CPN...

I have a really good fake fine face for work and even for friends but the rage and sadness just floods back when I think about how to live like this with my head in this state forever. I can't do it.

Argh, I'm sorry they put you through that with BPD. It's so wrong and I can understand why after that you'd be very reluctant to express anger or appear to be complaining. They should be ashamed.

Would you feel able to ask to see a different psychiatrist? It's not right that your care should be compromised like this. Even when I had a psych I got on well with they made sure I knew I had the option to see someone else if I didn't feel we worked well together or wasn't comfortable with them. A good psych shouldn't expect you to bend to their will.

Would you feel able to continue your CPN appointments from a more tactical perspective for a little while to buy you some time? So they don't discharge you for "not engaging" and you keep open the option for making use of what they can do when you feel more able? Versus having to fight to get back into the system?

I haven't been through the same things as you, but I really relate to the way you describe your feelings and how things look to you. Even about not wanting to seem like you're complaining and having your face for work.

I don't want to start bombarding you with suggestions because I know how dismissive that can feel, and I realise things I say may not be helpful to you even if they were to me.

Do you find reading and learning about trauma etc useful? I'm wondering because you mentioned the research you'd seen and not everyone does find reading up on stuff useful. There are some things I've wondered about sharing with you but I'm reluctant to do that if it's not what you want from posting.

NOTHING IS GOING TO PUT ME BACK TO HOW I WAS.

You're right. And that's shit. And I wouldn't object to sitting in the dark with you and screaming that too. It sucks.

You stopped yourself grieving in the past, and that was probably what you needed to do at the time to survive, but it might be keeping you stuck now. Do you feel able to let yourself begin grieving? For everything - your baby, the parts of you that you've lost these last few years, and the picture of your future that's gone?

You won't be who you were before, but you can be someone who isn't in this much pain and who doesn't have to put a fake fine face on for work because life is better.

I know that probably sounds like bullshit but I have seen it happen for other traumatised people in survivor groups I've been part of.

Putting this separately in the hope it will be easier for you to disregard if it's not helpful. What you've said about hating yourself and feeling like you've wasted people's time has made me think of a book called "unshame" by Carolyn Spring.

It's not really a self help book and it's not particularly preachy, it's more of an insight to how someone found a path out of trauma, I suppose. A take the helpful bits and discard the rest kind of deal.

Might not be the right book for you, some of the chapters might not fit with your experiences, and now might not be the right time. And tbh the blurb might make you groan a bit, but you can skip the blurb! (I try to give books on trauma a chance in spite of their cringey/frustrating blurbs most of the time.) The kindle free sample has the first two and a bit chapters.

She had different trauma to you, but your post made me think of the stuff in chapters three and thirteen (they're only short chapters, they don't even need to be read in order). You might find others resonate better for you though.

User157, I have bought it. Thank you. I read quickly so will have a look.

@roundandroindigo
There is a book by Matt Haig called Reasons for staying alive, which comes highly recommended on mumsnet.

I read the Haig book and found it helpful except his antipathy towards meds. At the time, I liked meds as they kept me going. Now, the suicidal part of me hates meds and wants to come off them so that they don't shield me from how horrific everything actually is. The part that knows my son needs me for a tiny bit longer knows I need the meds.

Shoot the Damn Dog by Sally Brampton was also ace and recommended by a doctor a few years ago and it gave me hope until Sally died by walking herself into the sea and drowning, and I was so jealous and inspired that I could never read that book again because it proved, to me, that there probably is no going back ever

@user15783478064
That book was excellent. If I was at the start of my therapy journey instead of the end, I would have been massively hopeful about therapy after reading it. What was great was the understanding of the therapist and her being able to accurately interpret the patient's behaviour and help her with it.

I think that if they'd got my diagnosis right, instead of labelling it depression/ BPD, and referred me for relevant therapy, maybe I would be in a different place now. Or maybe it is just who I am that has ruined it all.

Anyway, I related to a lot of that book and it was a good recommendation so thank you.

I wish things were only as bad as last time I posted. Obviously they're worse for everyone now. I know my son still needs me for a bit longer but I am not sure I can hold on that long, honestly. I tried emailing and calling my CPN but no response (the CMHT are supposedly still open except for F2F and are making dancing videos) so can only assume she's given up on me. Fair enough. I told her to. Can't get my meds because my OCD is horrific, my son is shielding and so I am too and I don't want anyone else being put at risk getting them for me. I also think I'd just take them all at once. There is no point to anything. I'm not going to get through this.

OP I am so sorry to hear how much worse things have got.

Practical stuff for right now:

• Can you ask your GP to contact your Community Mental Team for you? Also, I think someone needs to know how unwell you are feeling - call your surgery and tell them what you have said here.
• Can anyone at all collect your meds for you?

I too had miscarriages and found a personality disorder in my file by chance, so I have some idea of what you are going through.

I know they’re usually for inpatients but I also wondered if a mental health advocacy team could help you challenge the parts of your care you and your GP disagree with? Your GP should also be trying to fight your corner.

For right now, this moment, all you have to do is do nothing. You don’t have to commit to keeping yourself safe long term; you just need to not do anything to harm yourself right now. Lie on your back on a cold floor or focus on your breath, or take a warm shower - something to tether you to now.

It is never too late to recover. I know it feels like you’ve been ill forever but you have so many years ahead compared to the time you’ve been unwell.

I'm sorry for you have been through. I can emphathise, having been through similar. I too am scared of a BPD diagnosis. Why do they suggest that to people being distressed naturally to situations? Just wrong. I too told my husband the other day that I give up, there's no help available, they don't take things seriously enough. I'm sorry you are having a difficult time too.

Have you ever spoken to your GP?

user1470132907
Someone could pick up my meds but I'm worried they'd get ill because of me. I also think I'd just take all of them at once if I had them available and I have a lot of pills.
I did call the GP the other day to get signed off work and they were perfectly nice but I know they have so much to deal with that I didn't want to waste their time going into loads of detail. What can they do? They also can't control the CMHT.

someone I am sorry you're having a hard time too. I think there is help out there. I have had lots of it. I think the problem is mainly that I have gone too far to be able to be helped now. Not the case for everyone though. I used to have a GP who knew everything and was great but they left. The new one is good but I am more closed off now because I don't really have the hope that anyone can help anymore.

I am basically going to try to stay in bed until this is over and my son is sorted and then I can stop.

Thank you for replying.