Those who go to counselling or therapy

[SausageSimon]

Would you find it appropriate for your counsellor to say you are a special person?

(I'm intentionally keeping this question short without details)

I don't think that mine would. Its supposed to be a reflective experience. An experience that makes you think again about you. I don't think they are really supposed to tell you what they think.

Is the counsellor newly qualified?

Did it make you feel uncomfortable?

I don't know how long they've been doing it actually, I should ask! My rational brain would've thought to ask by now but my rational brain hasn't been around for a while haha.

It was explained to me at the start that they aren't there to tell me what to do or give me advice, more to talk through what's going on and to help me explore, understand, reflect and move forwards etc

@GrassyGreen compliments make me feel uncomfortable regardless of who give me them!

If is hard without context, I know you’ve left it out but on the surface no but they may say it in context of you matter/are worthy (as all people are but sometimes we need reminding) and if that the case not ideal wording but not necessarily inappropriate

I am a counsellor and in certain situations I may say something similar. Usually in context of client being as special as those around them.

I agree - it's about context. And it's also about the exact wording.

and I wouldn't just say it, it would be from what they shared.

The response was along the lines of I should be proud that I have standards when it comes to relationships (a lot of confidence issues in this area) and that I'm a special person

From what you say, it seems like they have said it because they believe it and want you to too.

I would suggest speaking to them about how the comment made you feel though. This is the only concrete thing you can do to understand rationale and move on from it.

I’ve heard all sorts and completely lost faith. I was told by one woman that she loved me and would pray to Allah for me.

She was working at a top private hospital too.

I think in that context it isn't out of the ordinary. Did they say, "You are a special person." - just like that? Or was it more along the lines of "You are a special person, just like everyone else?" (the second bit either stated outright, or implied). Or "You have the right to be special"?

I agree with @GrassyGreen that you let your therapist/counsellor know how their comment made you feel. That's where the real therapy starts, imo.

@ExtraFox18 - She should have been struck off. Bloody hell!

Mine’s not used those exact words but has given compliments when appropriate. I’ve been working through some complex trauma and some self esteem issues. Compliments include saying that I’m strong, kind, a lovely person and I should be very proud of my acheivements/ how far I’ve come (in relation to the trauma work) and that I’ve made incredible progress. This has been over a course of several months and has all felt appropriate

It depends really on the context (and the type of therapy). My psych will often say similar things to me but it's in the context of the therapeutic work that we are doing. In fact, it's our most frequent 'argument'.

I know. She also used to tell me that other therapists wouldn’t have put up with me when I got really upset.
I thought I’d recently try to find a good therapist as I’m at a really difficult point in my life but they are all so flaky, all so concerned about their fees , keen to Skype etc etc... it’s bullshit.

@AFistfulofDolores1 it was exactly like that, not in relation to others and not really bouncing off what I'd said just "you're a special person"

They've also said they're proud of me before and that I'm brave, which I found a little bit personal but fine really.

I just assumed compliments were used to build self esteem but I can't help but think they're paid compliments. I keep meaning to mention that!

@ExtraFox18 I honestly can't believe that!!

@Dillydallyontheway I think it sounds similar to what you've mentioned there, I've been called brave, strong etc

I think it was just the "you're a special person" made me feel a bit unsure because it's more about me specifically IYSWIM

@SausageSimon I have had the discussion with my psych many times about whether I can actually believe his compliments when I'm paying him and that it would be bad business for him to insult me! I actually think it's quite an important topic to explore in the context of the therapeutic relationship especially when there's an inherent imbalance because you're paying for it.

@SausageSimon - I can't help but think they're paid compliments. I keep meaning to mention that!

This is where the rubber hits the road in your therapy: bringing this up with your therapist. It's not so much about what she's saying as it is about your reaction to it. In fact (working on the proviso that what she's saying is entirely acceptable), then your reaction is everything - including your reticence to raise it with her.

The closer you get to a core wound, the harder it will be to talk about it, and the faster the defence mechanisms will be peddling to avoid you having to do just that ... and the more fragile the therapy becomes, because sometimes it is easier to find a 'fatal flaw' in your therapist, and therefore disregard them/discontinue the therapy, than it is to face that core wound.

@AFistfulofDolores1 I take a notebook with me to sessions so I'm going to write that down to bring up because I get there and end up forgetting key things I want to discuss!

@SausageSimon - Forgetting is part of the process. Frustrating, but that's defences for you!

@AFistfulofDolores1 I don't know if I even get to the points I'm trying to make a lot of the time! Extremely frustrating