How do you live with knowing your whole life is f****d up?

[Rewy]

Mental health probs my whole life.
Health probs.
No friends well I have one.
No career.
Low paid job.
No achievements.
No hobbies .
A relationship I’m rapidly screwing up.
How do I live with this ?????
I’ve tried to change. Therapy. CBT.
I’m just stuck.
Just walked the dog. The only thing I could do was hope I got run over or walk into the road.

Day by day.

Your whole life isn't fucked up. Maybe today is and tomorrow and maybe the bit of the future you can see
But not your whole life. Think about what is good and what can build one Does you relationship add to you life or would you be better without it?

You have a dog, so that's one hobby and a pet who depends on you. All you can do is find reasons, however small, to take you from day to day until you reach a place where you can see further ahead to the long term - perhaps to taking steps to develop your job into a career. If the therapy didn't help you, have you been back to your doctor to look at alternatives?

I’m too old and unintelligent to do anything academic. I cannot retrain without qualifications.
I get one hour of private therapy every month paid for by family.
The NHS have given me the 12 cbt sessions and there is no other help.
My partner is a good man.I love him. I am always pushing him away. But realistically I don’t think I’m what he really wants or needs.

More therapy? And then more and more, right through all these thoughts until you come out the other side. I understand if you think I'm talking bollocks, I did too until relatively recently, but there is life beyond all the mental crap inside our heads. You learn to live with yourself, warts and all, and the self-hatred will decrease. It takes time and commitment to yourself, but for now, just keep walking your dog, try and notice what's around you when you are walking, move out of your own head, even temporarily. Also, you may well believe you are pushing your husband away, but he hasn't actually left you, so he's clearly happy to stay regardless. So maybe you are exactly what he really wants and needs. You just can't see it.

Your posts don't come across as 'unintelligent' - you are literate and coherent, unlike some posters I've seen who claim to have very good jobs. If you don't have formal qualifications, have you considered an access course? My sister left school with no qualifications, but did a series of access courses when she was in her 30s that gave her what she needed for her CV and meant she could get a better job. Something like that might be a stepping stone for you.

You're really down on yourself OP, but that can change.

Hope can come, I'd go back to the GP and ask for longer term therapy.

I'm glad you've got a dog, man's best friend and all that. But people aren't depressed without good reason and you just need to uncover those reasons and get the assistance you've probably needed a very long time.

I wish you well

I’m too old and unintelligent to do anything academic.

No way! You can manage MN so clearly haven’t reached an age where modern technology is beyond you. And as others have said, you write very coherently so you’re obviously intelligent.

You have a dog and a partner who love you.

And a job.

This is a good position from which to start!

You mentioned re-training. What would you most want to do (even if it seems impossible)?

Thankyou for your kind posts.
The NHS cannot offer me anymore treatment. There is nothing. Absolutely nothing. I had to fight so hard to get the CBT in the first place.
The Private therapy is so expensive. My family can only afford once a month. I feel bad that I am financially reliant on this help.
I have zero confidence so even if I knew what I wanted to achieve academically then I would be too scared or talk myself out of it.
I just want to feel a sense of worth. I want friends. I want to feel a sense of achievement. Feel proud of myself.
I’m not good at anything. Other than being miserable.

Well, I’m excellent at being miserable!

Tell us one other thing you enjoy or have at some point been good at.

Literally I’m not good at anything.
I’m good with the dog. I know what she wants but I can’t play an instrument or paint or sew or anything. I can’t keep hold of friends. They always treat me badly so I back away.

Have to say I really like the immediacy of your writing ...

It sounds as though you might be setting too high standards for yourself, and being scared to try things in case they don't measure up. For example, lots of people (like me) paint as a hobby when they're not very good at it - it's just a way of relaxing and no one has to see the results if you don't want them to.

Don't underrate being good with dogs, either - you've only to look at The Dog House topic to see that's a skill many would envy.

Think more about what you enjoy doing, or might enjoy doing, whether or not you think you're good at it, and look at whether you can spend time on those things for pleasure.

Writing a blog would be good. I’d follow it. I keep meaning to do mine. Or just write for you? Journaling has been really good for me (I include one thing I’m thankful for, one thing I’m proud of and one thing that made me laugh that day - and they can be REALLY small things like “I remembered to take the bins out” or “the bus was on time”) and I’ve started writing poems again.

I keep going because I’d feel horrible for leaving my kids/DH. I think I would have given up otherwise but much as people say it’s great I have them to be here for, the relentlessness and responsibility is pretty crushing in itself.

Would you look for an alternative therapist? Even if it’s the same price, a different approach may help? Mine is ACT which is quite refreshing in that I’m no longer fighting the bad stuff.

Sorry if the above was worded insensitively btw it wasn’t meant to be.

Hobbies don’t have to be something you are good at either. You never know what you might enjoy if you try it.

And please don’t feel bad for needing this therapy. Do you realise how brave you are for doing it? Confronting your difficulties and talking about it with someone is scary and it’s hard work, and you’re doing it - AND you’ve persevered with the NHS - in order to try and improve your life. So many people push their bad feelings down and ignore them - you’ve taken the healthy choice and that should be commended.

Could you write a therapy journal maybe? I sit in a cafe or quiet place after each session and write as much as I can about the conversation. Then I read it before the next one (I also only go once a month as it’s so expensive) to refresh my memory, I feel like it helps me get even more out of it.

@Rewy I just want to say I know how you feel, and you’re not alone. (I posted the other day a bit sad that I felt I only had two people I can call out of the blue for no reason.)

As a fellow dog person I can reassure you too that your dog thinks you’re ace!

Thanks for the posts.

It’s hard to explain but I feel that when it comes to myself I have an absolute blockage. My head is just numb . I just feel there is nothing there. I used to love reading books but even when I buy a book I can’t start it or I’m too tired.

I look online for courses and there is always a reason I can’t do something even if m vaguely interested in it. I saved my birthday and Christmas money to buy a laptop and felt quite positive I could use it for some sort of OU course. Then realised how expensive the courses are so gave up. Laptop is now gathering dust.
I’m stuck in a fog.

With regard to the therapy I have built up a trust with my therapist. She gets me iykwim?
Also my mental health problem is fairly complex.
I would like to write not necessarily about my therapy but in general but I have so much self hatred I know I would read it back and self criticise.

You could write and then throw it away immediately if you wanted. There is no need to keep or reread if you don’t want to.

Really glad you have a good relationship with your therapist, that is worth a lot!

Everyone who writes does that, Rewy. Though I agree that taking some creative step outside your own head might be ... enlivening.

Doesn’t have to be an OU course anyway. Why not start with something less official - a free course on Coursera or one of the others? That way it need not be something sensible or goal oriented. Just whatever takes your fancy.

(If I seem persistent - it’s only because I’ve been where you are. Minus the job, and partner and a dog to hang out with. Things can evolve, even if in a one step forward two steps back kind of way.)

I guess you are right.
No one else has to see it.
You are kind to support me !

Just wanted to say I feel very much the same as you

I’m sorry and sad to hear that. It’s not a good place to be.
Days turn into weeks then months then years and before you know it you are stuck.

So true, it's a horrible way to feel and I completely understand

I am sure you have wonderful qualities such as self awareness, kindness ( you have a dog that you care for selflessly)
Please dont judge yourself on so called achievements or milestones. Society now is too applauding of this notion, like unless you a size 4 look 30 years younger than your age, with a troop of adoring glamourous interesting hipster friends, and can bake and ice your own cake while bungee jumping you are no one!
Open learn ( the free section of open university) is fab for taster mini courses. Also duo lingo! I am learning a language and its very interesting and free too.
Write a list now of all the things you can do you will be amazed. 💐

Thanks I will look into the free OU courses.