Posting on here for traffic really as I just need some support. I have two children who I love dearly and live with them on my own. I have been in a relationship that's not working for 2 and half years and can't seem to break away as i'm scared of the loneliness and I feel the break up would probably push me over the edge. I work four days a week, but hate my job, but I can't find anything else for the same pay that would let me work just school hours. I have depression and have been have been in therapy for 4 years, but nothing seems to help long term.
I did try and kill myself 3 years ago and I find myself annoyed that I wasn't able to complete it. I want to be happy, but I just don't know how.
I grew up in an abusive household, I was raped by someone I should have been able to trust at 20, I had PND, I was in an abusive relationship, I was diagnosed with BPD, but DBT therapy has made me a better person. I don't want to be a victim, I want to be better, but I just don't know how to be. I also suffer with massive guilt for the pnd and not being good enough for my children. Anyone who knows me thinks I am strong, confident and I have some really good friends. I can't keep telling them about the depression, as none of them can help me and all have their own lives. I am becoming resentful watching them with their happy marriages, whilst they buy bigger houses, holidays etc. I am stuck in a council flat with debts over my head from my previous marriage.
I know this is very much a poor me post, but I don't want it to be, I just don'y know how to pick myself out of this slump.