Unable to stay being this unhappy with life

[unhappywithlife]

Posting on here for traffic really as I just need some support. I have two children who I love dearly and live with them on my own. I have been in a relationship that's not working for 2 and half years and can't seem to break away as i'm scared of the loneliness and I feel the break up would probably push me over the edge. I work four days a week, but hate my job, but I can't find anything else for the same pay that would let me work just school hours. I have depression and have been have been in therapy for 4 years, but nothing seems to help long term.

I did try and kill myself 3 years ago and I find myself annoyed that I wasn't able to complete it. I want to be happy, but I just don't know how.

I grew up in an abusive household, I was raped by someone I should have been able to trust at 20, I had PND, I was in an abusive relationship, I was diagnosed with BPD, but DBT therapy has made me a better person. I don't want to be a victim, I want to be better, but I just don't know how to be. I also suffer with massive guilt for the pnd and not being good enough for my children. Anyone who knows me thinks I am strong, confident and I have some really good friends. I can't keep telling them about the depression, as none of them can help me and all have their own lives. I am becoming resentful watching them with their happy marriages, whilst they buy bigger houses, holidays etc. I am stuck in a council flat with debts over my head from my previous marriage.

I know this is very much a poor me post, but I don't want it to be, I just don'y know how to pick myself out of this slump.

Life can be overwhelming at times, and it really sounds like you have had more than your fair share of crap dumped on you. I don't feel qualified to offer advice, but you have done the right thing in reaching out to the collective wisdom of the hive mind. It's not a "poor me" post if you are asking for help and advice.

www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help/contact-samaritan/?gclid=Cj0KCQiAm4TyBRDgARIsAOU75spfCdP1Stg3xY3C7nULP49ZVznTvIG8CUZGtMdA4Wvl6nxNAt8ZwHQaAuY6EALw_wcB

Firstly, YOU ARE ENOUGH!! You are here, your babies have you!

Secondly, what does happy look like to you? Set yourself small goals. The fact you dont like being on your own is something to work on.

You say you have been in therapy for 4 years? Is this with the same therapist? If so, could you look about maybe finding a new one. I say this because although the therapist has been be great, it's always good to let go because we have got what we need at that time and period in our life.

New needs, new goals!

Please, try and do the things you enjoy. You seem to "stuck".. Can you take up a new hobby? Can you change something you do that can make you feel better?

I really get how difficult it can be. I struggled with loneliness. The fear of being on my own was awful. I started by reading a book, taking an hour when the little ones were in bed. An even drawing. I gradually worked up to doing workshops then applied to college and done something I love.

You are always enough..

I spend every evening in the week on my own in the house and I enjoy that time and have no issue, it's more the fact of being without a partner and when the weekends come of being on my own in the day. I enjoy doing the couple things at weekends and I think that's why I stay in the relationship even though I know it can't work long term.

I have written down some goals, but it just feels so overwhelming even to do the small things.

In the last four years I have done CBT twice, DBT and counselling with four different counsellors. I have been with my current one for four weeks and find her great, but I still feel so lost in between sessions.

Thank you for being kind, I half expected to get told to put my big girl pants on and stop being so self pitiful.

I'm not qualified to offer advice either but didn't want to read and run. I agree that you should talk to someone so either an emergency appointment with your therapist)/MH team or/and The Samaritans.

It sounds like you have a few things going on that are overwhelming you. You need to handle them one at a time.

You need to concentrate on you right now and feeling better. Be kind to yourself and enjoy giving and receiving the love of your dear children.

Could you take a temporary break from your relationship to concentrate on yourself? You may be surprised that you don't feel lonely and actually feel better when your partner is not around.

What I would say is please, please, don't do anything to hurt yourself. You love your children and they love you.

Also regarding resenting your friends' lives - no-one truly knows what goes on in others' lives. Lots of people are seemingly happy and successful (however they judge that). People who have bigger houses and go on nice holidays aren't always happy. They could be up to their eyeballs in high mortgages and debts. Having a big house isn't a good measure to go by. These friends are likely to be 2-income families and they may even have had help from relatives or inheritances. Please don't judge yourself to be inferior over the size of a house or going on holidays. You are as good as the next person.

Have you always hated the job or and do you dislike all of it or do you dislike it more the longer you have been depressed? Could you take some time off work until you are feeling better able to cope?

Please talk to someone and let them know how you are feeling. I'd hate for a friend of mine to be feeling this way. I'd want to try and help.

I find it helpful sometimes to just write one goal, not a list. A list of goals can weigh heavily on your soul.

I'm sorry you feel people wont understand, (thinking they'll tell you to pull up your big girl pants) that is more about their ignorance rather than you! Try and remember that! But you've had more than enough shit thrown at you. Life is can be loody hard without having your experiences to manage, so I appreciate how difficult and overwhelming life can become. But give yourself a break.

Ok, tackle those goals. If they're overwhelming you then they arent realistic goals. So, have a look at then and stretch them out, break them down. What you achieve short term and then long term (work towards)

Can you do start something at the weekend with your kids? Get involved with something. Try slowly limiting your time with your partner and up your time on something new-so that it is easier to break things of and you can manage you loneliness at your own pace. Assess what you can change at the weekend have you friends you can meet up with, or have them call round.

@NotEverythingIsBlackandWhite I really appreciate your advice. I have tried to break up many times with my partner, but I always end up going back. I'm not sure if it's because of my BPD, but I just can't seem to let him go, even though he is contributing factor to how down I feel at times.

I'm having counselling through a private charity and i'm not under any MH team. Last time I was I spent a year waiting for a medication review so I just find it pointless, as nothing happens. I'm not on any medication as it just makes me unable to work.

I feel at times I need to leave my job and fix my mental health, but I'm not sure I can do that as I get UC and I think I have to work and I couldn't afford to just leave and live off UC. I've not enjoyed my job since coming off maternity leave almost 4 years ago now.

Is there anything career wise you would love to turn your hand to? If so could you plan a weekly block of time, say a Sunday Morning, to study that field and see if you can develop a passion for it? It wouldn't be some radical change but would be a step towards feeling better about your weekend days and your future possibilities.

@Motacilla that's one of my goals. I'm trying to figure out what I want to do right now, but i'm not 100% sure. I want to help other people or make a difference in some way.

You don't have to be sure at this stage, why not go to the library and browse their caring profession related books (textbooks, autobiographies and related fiction) and have a read (many libraries has an ebook system you can subscribe to for free if you prefer). if you don't find it interesting then move on to something different.

My daughter has BPD and so my heart goes out to you. You actually sound extremely strong for somebody with BPD and it's amazing that you've also finished a course of DBT too (it's taken us 3 years to get DD to agree to do this because she hates psychologists).

My DD must be younger than you but we've set up a BPD friendly bedroom for her with things that she can do when she's feeling, well, 'BPD-y'. So she has an art corner (for sadness), a drum kit (for anger) , sensory/tactile items (for stress), a huge mindfulness poster scratch-off, night-time mindfulness audio books, candles and so on. She's able to regulate her emotions to a certain extent with all of these things. Would it be practical for you to try any of these things alongside your DBT to help manage your feelings?

I know you've said that you're not on medication, have you spoken to your GP again about them recently considering your low feelings? DD takes a slow release Seroquel (300mg daily) and Lovan 40mg). Once they got the dose right she stopped self-harming and stabilised with the suicidal ideations. She's still volatile but we're hoping to use the DBT rather than increase the medication.

I'm not a BPD expert but I do know that BPD causes difficulties with relationships, particularly with abandonment issues and black and white thinking. I see this with my daughter a great deal and it causes her a lot of pain, so I can really understand the challenges you are having there. Do you feel that your relationship issues are BPD-related or just general?

How are you going with therapy and are you practicing your DBT? I know my DD needs an enormous amount of support from many people to even vaguely function, so do you have a support network in place that could help you just in general and also with the goals you've put in place?

@pinotgrigio i'm in my 30's now and my bpd has certainly got much better with age besides a real downwards spiral when I had my youngest. DBT has helped loads and I can recognise what's going on, I don't even reach enough of a criteria for a BPD diagnosis unless I do spiral, which I am at the moment. I haven't quiet finished DBT when funding was cut, I moved to another town and was placed an a waitlist to start again, but 18 months on and nothing and now I've had to move back to the original town. I still have massive abandonment issues and have little support from family and my dad is abusive and my mum just doesn't understand it. I'm very much alone with the two children, besides when my partner helps me with the kids, but I don't want to have to ask him for help as the relationship isn't a great one. I just can't seem to bring myself to go through the my DBT book again, it's almost like a trigger to me on how bad I felt when I did DBT before and i'm scared on how it might make me feel again.

I think I might need to add reading a little each night to my goals and try and tackle it. I feel like such a child still and that I need someone to look after me.

medication just makes me tired and unable to function for the kids. My children are both still young (under 8).

@Motacilla i'll look into that. Thank you

Hi unhappywithlife,

We're sorry that you're going through such a difficult time.

We can see you're getting some good support from other Mumsnetters here, but we thought we'd also add a link to our Mental Health resources as there are many organisations listed which could give you some more support in real life.

We're grateful that someone's already provided some details for the Samaritans, but thought we'd just put some more info here. You can go to the Samaritans website or email them at [email protected], or call them, free, any time, on 116 123.

Here too is a link to Mind's website, and in particular their tips for everyday living which could help when you're feeling low.

One other organisation which could give you some practical support is Gingerbread - it's a charity which was set up to provide information to help single parents support themselves and their family. Do please take a look at their website - they have loads of info on topics like housing, what benefits may be available to you, managing debt, childcare, finding work, etc, and also run local support groups.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We're going to move your thread over to our Mental Health topic now, OP.

Sending good wishes

Ah yes, I can understand about the meds. DD gets completely knocked out by them, I didn't think, sorry . I'm even more impressed at how you are managing with all of this with no meds.

When you say your mum doesn't get it (and so you feel abandoned), I try very hard with my DD not to get emotional about anything she does (eg self-harm) for fear of triggering her. I think she takes that sometimes as me not caring, but it's the opposite. I care very, very deeply, but me going overly emotional about anything is absolutely not helpful.

I wonder if your mum feels the same way? She might also not be able to cope too, the strong emotions in BPD are very challenging for everybody - seeing your daughter in such distress, particularly when you can't fix it, is very hard and in the same way, feeling BPD emotions is very, very painful for people with BPD.

There is so much I want to say but I know BPD and I'm really scared that I might accidentally trigger you, so I'm going to leave things there!

@pinotgrigio my mums energy has always been taken up with looking after my abusive dad. She's mentally very closed off, which I understand is her was of coping. My sister is very supportive, but she works very long hours, so I don't like to trouble her much. I really appreciate your kindness and understanding, your daughter is very lucky to have you. I've tried meds before, but it just numbed me and made it hard for me to connect with my children. It's hard feeling emotions, but I wouldn't change feeling the love I do for my kids, they are the only thing that keeps me going.

You honestly sound lovely and a great mum. You give me hope that my DD can actually have a life. You should be so proud that you have managed your BPD to have children and to put them first.