Suicidal with no good reason.

[GreenAndIsNotAPlace]

The past few days I've been seriously considering ending my life. Quietly, without fuss or fanfare.

I know that I could call the Samaritans or MIND or any number of organisations but I wouldn't possibly know what to say to them.

I'm late 40s.
Happily married to my husband.
Kids grown up and all doing well.
Nice house in a good area.
Materially good lifestyle.
No big problems or worries.
I know how lucky I am, it hasn't always been this way.

Hell, it even sounds like I'm stealth boasting but I'm really not.

No black dog or ridiculous anxiety, I am even good at reframing bad thoughts or situations

So why then do I want to take fistfuls of tablets, fall asleep and never wake up again?
I really don't understand.

What is wrong with me?

I'm really sorry you are feeling this way.

You could call MIND or the Samaritans and just say what you've said above. That would be totally fine.

What happened a few days ago?

Could it be perimenopause? The anxiety and depression can be sudden and catastrophic.
Tell your GP, talk to your DH if you feel you can.

You are obviously depressed, it could be a chemical imbalance, it could be down to a hormone imbalance if you are going through the menopause. Either way you need to talk to your nurse or doctor or husband.

In the meantime consider how much it would ruin your children, husband and grandchildren (even if theres none here yet) lives to lose you.

You dont need to have a miserable life to get depressed or can happen to anyone. I'm sorry you are feeling this way, please reach out for help. Even if you cant speak to your husband or doctor, do you have a friend or sibling you could message to say how you are feeling?

I understand, honestly I do. I’m 47 and there is absolutely nothing wrong with my life. It’s better than it has been for years. Gp thinks it’s peri menopause, and happy pills are kicking in. I’m coming out the other side. See your gp, they do understand.

Nothing unusual happened a few days ago. I just started to feel like this.

Weirdly I'm crying as I type this, not because I don't want to die, I really do. No, I'm crying because I feel guilty at what it would do to my family. I do know that they would be sad.

Then I really do feel terrible and like I want my life to end my life even more because now I feel guilty about the imagined effect of my hypothetical suicide.

I can't take antidepressants. So that's out.

It could be peri menopause.
I don't want to talk to my husband about it, I don't want that guilt either. He's absolutely lovely but he really wouldn't understand.

This thread will almost definitely be deleted soon. Just to warn you.

You could email Samaritans and say these things. Might help to write it down? They won't shut you down or expect you to understand why you feel how you feel.

If you can't see where these feelings came from talking to your GP and saying just that would not be a bad idea?

I feel the same
It’s hormonal

Ok, thanks for the heads up user it's impossible to see a GP in our area for weeks and as I say I really wouldn't know what to say to the Samaritans or another charity. This makes no sense.,

Intrusive thoughts ive had a similar thing for years its a pain.

Remember OP - things get worse, but then they always, always get better.

Ride the waves.

(in the mean time, please talk to someone xx)

Why can’t you take antidepressants?

I'm allergic to the amaryl. Yes I really am, yes all of them.

They don't seem like intrusive thoughts. it just seems like the right course of action.

The sooner you book a GP appt the sooner you’ll be seen. Honestly, Green, this is a hormonal or chemical imbalance and it can be treated. Antidepressants aren’t the recommended treatment for perimenopause anyway, so don’t be fobbed off by a GP who suggests them. Have a look at the perimenopause checklist and see if any other symptoms fit you.
If it isn’t, it is still treatable. You don’t have to feel this detached and hopeless, I promise.

HI OP this was me a few years ago, I didn't act on it because of how it would affect my dad. It went away surprisingly quickly without antidepressants, it was definitely hormonal. Please hang on, phone the Samaritans, just say what you wrote down.

If you did decide to email Samaritans, and said "I don't know why I'm emailing, didn't know what else to do" you'd get a reply not dissimilar to some here and asking you questions to help you talk about what's going on (if you found it helpful to answer them).

I've done that before. In case it helps to have some idea what might happen.

If you told the gp you felt suicidal they'd probably offer you an emergency appt.

Things don't always seem to make sense. Could be hormonal, could be exhaustion, could have been a slow creep of depression that's just reached a tipping point... Does it need to make sense? It's how you feel.

No GP would give me an antidepressant prescription for perimenopausal symptoms, depression, tonsillitis or anything else you can think of because it says something along the lines of Severe allergy to antidepressants or something similar on the front of my medical notes.

Often when I see a locum I don't think I've ever met my actual Dr they say something like 'really'? (Yes) or 'ALL antidepressants' (Yes). I had to see a specialist about it many years ago, something neurological.

So antidepressants aren't even a possibility. The irony in this instance is that they would kill me faster that pretty much anything else would.

I feel hopeless yes, but not detached. Not detached at all I don't think.

I'd always thought that feelings do make sense somewhere, even if you have to dig deep to find out what the sense behind them is.

In trying to examine it over the past few days the only thing I can come up with is that I'm a proper full-on introvert, I've been doing a job that requires a degree of extroversion for 20 years. That does take it's toll on me, it always has. It isn't any worse now than it used to be.

Do you have money to see a private menopause specialist?
Or an emergency GP appointment. Lie if necessary to get in?

I think HRT will help.

Yes I could see a menopause special privately I've looked at the NHS website and I have 10 out of 13 perimenopause symptoms. So maybe.

Hrt might be the way forward. Or St. John’s wort might help if your not allergic

Please go on nenopausematters site
I started with bad anxiety around 52 that turned into deep depression
I have always been on ad’s most of the time since my 20’s

But I didn’t even think menopause and gp, psych or mh team never ever mentioned it

I know realise yes it was menopause!!!
I could of gone on hrt and seen a specialist or gone to menopause clinic
Now at 62 I feel it’s too late in my life to start messing around with hrt

Please have a read, it’s an eye opener as too what hormones can do to you

Another one saying peri menopause. I felt like that and I'm 47. It's hormones and you can start on HRT and will start to feel like your old self again.

Arm yourself with knowledge and visit your GP asking to start HRT. A good website is The Menopause Doctor.

Hmm...You said you wanted to disappear 'Quietly, without fuss or fanfare.' None of us die like this though OP, that's not rational thought, if you take your own life it will be loud, messy and everyone around you will be devastated. Please seek help, urgently. If you can afford it, please get therapy privately, now. Take yourself seriously, these aren't casual thoughts, they are destructive and are incredibly difficult to process on your own. Whether or not it's hormonal I would also seek emotional support. Please.

@GreenAndIsNotAPlace how are you today?