Suicidal with no good reason.

[GreenAndIsNotAPlace]

The past few days I've been seriously considering ending my life. Quietly, without fuss or fanfare.

I know that I could call the Samaritans or MIND or any number of organisations but I wouldn't possibly know what to say to them.

I'm late 40s.
Happily married to my husband.
Kids grown up and all doing well.
Nice house in a good area.
Materially good lifestyle.
No big problems or worries.
I know how lucky I am, it hasn't always been this way.

Hell, it even sounds like I'm stealth boasting but I'm really not.

No black dog or ridiculous anxiety, I am even good at reframing bad thoughts or situations

So why then do I want to take fistfuls of tablets, fall asleep and never wake up again?
I really don't understand.

What is wrong with me?

It could well be hormonal. I'm 35 and afaik, not perimenopausal but for 2 days before my period I feel like this. It's gone like the flick of a switch the moment my period starts

Hope you're feeling better today

Hello thank you for asking.
I'm ok, I've seen my GP who prescribed HRT. So I'll see how I go now.

Thank you everyone

That is good news, I hope it addresses the way you are feeling

The national mood doesn’t help stuff like this OP. Everything is so bloody negative in this era it really is - switch on the telly, the worlds on fire or everyone’s a sexual predator, there’s not a lot to laugh about out there tbh. What about seeking talking therapy with a suitably qualified? This can make all the difference no matter how dire and bleak things ar feeling.

Then I really do feel terrible and like I want my life to end my life even more because now I feel guilty about the imagined effect of my hypothetical suicide.

This made me think of a term "Catastrophizing" or "Catastrophising". Please look it up. It sounds like what you're doing to yourself. It's okay. You'll be fine. Feel free to message if you want to have a chat

@GreenAndIsNotAPlace

Def menopause. Or peri. Exercise and try and eat well, stay away from sugar and alcohol.

It will probably get worse before it gets better. The rage, the suicidal thoughts. Menopause can be Shit!

Can you take St Johns Wort?

OP - check back in to keep us updated. Hope it helps.

If you don’t have financial worries I’d drastically change the job.
An introvert in a extrovert role for 20 years will be seriously eroding your mental health.

Take leave and then make a drastic change!

@GreenAndIsNotAPlace How are things now.? Any improvement?

The GP prescribed HRT for me yay. Unfortunately I already knew this I can't take HRT orally. The HRT I've been prescribed is one of the types that is out of stock.

I went back to the GP, the only available alternative is an oestrogen-only gel with progesterone tablets that I'm not sure if I can take. The GP's idea was to use the gel and hope the other HRT is back in stock again before I have to start taking the progesterone. I'm not even sure that this logic makes sense to me, let alone any of you as you read it.

So how am I? Using the gel I've still felt just as low as before. Friday and Saturday were terrible I'm hiding it from everyone well I think.

In the car I've been love bombing myself (!) by listening to positive self help audiobooks in the car. It can help in the moment but over all it isn't having an effect except for the respite I'm giving my brain from itself.

I'm still trying to keep going, hoping I'll start to feel better sometime. Everything looks dark.

I hope things start to improve.

I don’t know if this is viable for you right now but how about planning a trip? Volunteering abroad maybe? A road trip with your husband? Seeing some places you’ve always wanted to see?

It’s good to have a focus and I find it’s even better when I can switch any obsessive thoughts I’m having into productively planning things.