Acknowledging that I am depressed, and wondering where to go from here..

[looop]

I will try and keep this a brief and to the point as possible.

I have a long history with depression, which I mostly struggled with in my mid-late teens (had bulimia, a car crash and a few other things I struggled with). I was put on anti depressants, and managed to 'self manage' and ween myself off them.

Over the years there have been times where I have been low, but I've always been proud to say that despite the many tests life has thrown my way, I haven't got to that point where I need help.

Except for the past couple of months, where I have come to accept that I am depressed and I am really struggling. I am pretty self aware; and realise this is an accumulation of a shit couple of years, my own insecurities and what feels like the breakdown of my marriage.

I know that things are going to get a lot harder before they get easier. And I NEED to be in a better place in myself to deal with it.
I acknowledge that I am a very insecure person, and that this at times leads me to act out irrationally towards the people I care about the most. One of my closest friends in particular, is feeling the brunt of this. And I hate myself for being like this with them.

I have called the doctors, but can't get an appointment for a couple of weeks. I am very worried about I am going to end up making things worse for myself, particularly with my friend.
What can I do in the meantime to keep my emotions in check, and stop acting so irrational!

Thank you for your help.

A hopeful bump..

I think if things become unbearably difficult then you need to ask for an emergency appointment. If you had a physical illness that became unbearably painful I'm sure you'd do the same. Otherwise I think you should try your best to practice as much self care as you can. Going for a walk in a nice area (think along a beach, in the countryside etc) with some music calms me. Also reading, mindfulness etc. Doing things I need to focus on but are straightforward also helps (eg a jigsaw). Hope things get better for you soon.

justbeingbelle Thank so much for your reply.
You make a good point about my appointment. I did think today about ringing up to see if I could change it, I realise I made it in haste and didn't specify I want a female Dr etc etc!
Thank you for your suggestions. Do you think I should tell anyone? I haven't told my DH (though we're barely talking anyway) or my friend (though they know that I'm not 'right')

Oh looop, I could have written nearly all your post. So posting to follow others words of wisdom.

Can you do a walk-in at the GP? Or emergency appointment? As it can take a few weeks for meds to start working, that's another month.

I'm trying the following, can't hurt but maybe not getting to the root of the matter. But maybe help on the way!

Supplements- EPA and good quality multivitamin with magnesium
Trying to eat better
Trying to exercise
Going to order a light box...don't think it is SAD I have but the grey days don't help either
Haven't done it yet but would calling someone like the Samaritans help? No or less guilt like unloading to your friends

I haven't told anyone either .

Did the anti depressants help last time? Like you, I've had low spells, probably a couple of times a year on average, but managed without meds and they pass. But maybe I would be better on them, had some very dark days in the past few years.

Superlooper Sorry for late response, I hope you're ok.

I am going to call the doctors, and see if I can get in sooner.
Thank you for your suggestions. Yes I do think a bit of 'self care' is in order.
I don't think it's SAD, but agree the gloomy days don't help.

I work for the NHS, and I know they provide a talk service. So I think I may try that, and see if it helps. I have never gone down the 'therapy' route before.

Have you spoken to samaritans? Or do you have access to any other service?

I feel a lot of guilt, for the way I have been towards my friend. I did try to explain to them, a bit about where I am. But despite being someone who can't hid their emotions very well, I am even worse at trying to talk about them. I think I ended up making it worse Even though they said very kindly; that they would support me in anyway they can.

Yes I did at the time. I didn't become reliant on them, and just finished my packet and stopped. I was probably on them for 3 months at time.

I think you should talk to them if you feel able to, hopefully their support will also be a step in the right direction to you feeling better.

justbeingbelle Do you think I should tell them both?
I've come close a couple of times this week with DH. But can't seem to muster the words. He shows so little interest in just general conversation, to broach something like this is hard.
As for my friend, I've been trying to give space. Both for their and my sakes! But feel like I should tell them.

Yes, tell them. More as an "FYI" if you want, rather than "I need you to drop everything and support me". If that makes sense.

I'm actually feeling a lot better thanks. I think it's been triggered by a lot of work related stress, relationship issues, poor diet over Christmas, lack of exercise/fresh air/sunshine. Some of these I can change, so doing what I can. On EPA (fish oils) for a week now so may be making a difference.

I did try therapy for PTSD. It helped me understand more but didn't really fix it. But worth a try.

I find this book good, it's inspiring too.

Superlooper I will have to look at EPA, and the book. Thank you.

I do wonder if therapy will help or not. I'm very self aware, and I am under no illusions as to why I feel this way or to the reasoning behind my behaviour.
I was thinking it may be a chance to talk to someone impartial.

I know I need to tell them. I just haven't found it in me to do so, yet.
I haven't even called the doctors back up yet either. My desire to do anything, has completely vanished

Oh I know that feeling

Try and do 1 thing tomorrow...first is often the hardest.

Hey OP

I got an Emergency appt this week

Yes I had to tell the receptionist I was having an MH emergency 🚨 but i got one

Like you I have had my ups and downs over the year but this time I wanted to get some ADs

Then when I feel more
Robust I will acess
Some talking therapy

Taking
Control
And
Admitting (finally ) that I have an issue helps and makes
You feel
In control

I have always managed to handle my MH blips , and the trick is to know the red flags and DO something

I wish you the best , have faith you can get through this

And tell people

Text your friend and say something like
I know I have been crap
I feel awful about it
Have realised I am having a MH crisis again
Please bear with me while i try to address it
Sorry , I’m not myself right now

Superlooper I managed to finally tell DH last night. He was ok, didn't offer masses of support. But at least he's aware.
I also tried calling the doctors, and couldn't get my app changed

Thisisworsethananticipated Thank you so much for your kind words.

I tried calling the doctors yesterday, and they couldn't change my appointment. I wasn't brave enough to say I'm struggling, and desperately want the appointment NOW! I want AD's as well, just to take 'the edge off' and help me think a little straighter.

I want to take control of the situation, but feel like I am being stalled from doing so. I managed to tell my DH last night, but not my friend.

With my friend in particular, I'm not looking for support, just some understanding and some space whilst I work through this. I do not want them in the firing line, it's not fair and it's not right.

Thisisworsethananticipated Sending you strength and thanking you for your empathy

Just tell your friend that OP

And get emergency appt , tell them having suicidal thoughts and having MH emergency 🚨

Thisisworsethananticipated Still mustering the balls!
I feeling quite calm at this precise moment in time (I didn't a hour or two ago!)
Being in control, then feeling completely helpless and tearful is coming in waves.

I really don’t want to pressurise you

See how you get on , just remember your MH is important and you deserve that same day appt , just as the toddlers with an ear infection

Just take it seriously

I feel better for starting sertraline , it’s clearly a placebo as
Won’t so shit in 3 days . But the fact I went , asked , got made
Me feel empowered

Keep posting

Thisisworsethananticipated Don't worry, I don't think you're doing that

Well done for getting yourself the help you deserve. I hope the sertraline starts doing it's job for you ASAP.

I'm not feeling great this evening. Feels like a missed opportunity today, with regards to opening up to my friend.

We have a turbulent relationship as it is. And I'm currently wondering if they actually care at all.
I'm not sure if that's the depression talking or me seeing things for how they really are.
(Bare in mind we also work together, though only directly a couple of times a month).

How are you doing @looop ?

Hi Superlooper thank you for asking.

I'm feeling ok today, but that's not a true reflection of how I am. Yesterday wasn't good, I came close to calling the doctors, but couldn't pluck up the courage to ask for an emergency appointment!

Still haven't told my friend. I've felt ok about that so far this week, but am working alongside them tomorrow. So wonder if I will say something then.

Superlooper How are you feeling?

Would any self help resources help you? Websites like getselfhelp maybe? Good luck with your GP

Emummy No I haven't. I wouldn't know where to look?
But it old school like that (at 30 years old )

I'm open to suggestions though!
Thank you