I'm bipolar (type I) and am suffering from an extended episode of depression. A few months ago I made a will and attempted to end my life (edited by MNHQ). I don't know what happened, I just woke up on the floor and was taken to hospital. I only told two close friends. I wore scarves to disguise the marks and pretended I had a throat infection as I'd lost my voice.
My mood hasn't improved much and I'm questioning why I'm still here. I was first diagnosed with depression when I was 12 and diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 21. I'm in my early 30s now. Life is a struggle, day in, day out. I have no motivation. I take no pleasure or satisfaction from anything I do. I feel tired all the time but struggle to sleep at night. I feel on the verge of tears a lot of the time but find it difficult to actually cry.
My work involves a lot of writing and I stare at a page like a dumb thing, unable to articulate anything. I can only manage part time and every working session leaves me frustrated at myself that I can't perform better, faster, more efficiently. Or sometimes, can't even perform at all. I feel useless and worthless.
I'm an expert at wearing a mask and very few people know how I feel. I'm fortunate to have a couple of close friends but I get tired of myself and tend not to be very open with them. My relationship has pretty much fallen apart recently for unrelated reasons, which is very painful. I have no family. I have a CPN but I don't find MH services very helpful.
Sometimes I think about getting away somewhere but I don't have the interest or motivation. Even going for a walk leaves me feeling miserable. I just want to lie on the sofa with my eyes shut most of the time.
I took antidepressants recently but they caused agitation and a complete inability to sleep, unfortunately a common problem in people with bipolar disorder. I'm taking the maximum amount of lithium I can. I can't take antipsychotics.
I'm afraid I don't really have depression and this is all circumstantial and I've done it to myself. I'm afraid it's never going to get better because there's something fundamentally wrong with me. I feel trapped and that the only logical option is suicide. In my will, I've left all my money to my two closest friends. I haven't made any specific plans to end my life but I think about it constantly.
I don't know what I'm trying to achieve by posting this really. I guess I just wonder if anybody else is experiencing, or has experienced, something similar so I feel like less of a fuck up.