I can't see a way forward

[frostywindow]

I'm bipolar (type I) and am suffering from an extended episode of depression. A few months ago I made a will and attempted to end my life (edited by MNHQ). I don't know what happened, I just woke up on the floor and was taken to hospital. I only told two close friends. I wore scarves to disguise the marks and pretended I had a throat infection as I'd lost my voice.

My mood hasn't improved much and I'm questioning why I'm still here. I was first diagnosed with depression when I was 12 and diagnosed with bipolar disorder at 21. I'm in my early 30s now. Life is a struggle, day in, day out. I have no motivation. I take no pleasure or satisfaction from anything I do. I feel tired all the time but struggle to sleep at night. I feel on the verge of tears a lot of the time but find it difficult to actually cry.

My work involves a lot of writing and I stare at a page like a dumb thing, unable to articulate anything. I can only manage part time and every working session leaves me frustrated at myself that I can't perform better, faster, more efficiently. Or sometimes, can't even perform at all. I feel useless and worthless.

I'm an expert at wearing a mask and very few people know how I feel. I'm fortunate to have a couple of close friends but I get tired of myself and tend not to be very open with them. My relationship has pretty much fallen apart recently for unrelated reasons, which is very painful. I have no family. I have a CPN but I don't find MH services very helpful.

Sometimes I think about getting away somewhere but I don't have the interest or motivation. Even going for a walk leaves me feeling miserable. I just want to lie on the sofa with my eyes shut most of the time.

I took antidepressants recently but they caused agitation and a complete inability to sleep, unfortunately a common problem in people with bipolar disorder. I'm taking the maximum amount of lithium I can. I can't take antipsychotics.

I'm afraid I don't really have depression and this is all circumstantial and I've done it to myself. I'm afraid it's never going to get better because there's something fundamentally wrong with me. I feel trapped and that the only logical option is suicide. In my will, I've left all my money to my two closest friends. I haven't made any specific plans to end my life but I think about it constantly.

I don't know what I'm trying to achieve by posting this really. I guess I just wonder if anybody else is experiencing, or has experienced, something similar so I feel like less of a fuck up.

Anyone?

I'm sorry I have no advice. I didn't want to leave you unanswered. Please do call the Samaritans Or text them as soon as you can. They will help, I hope you find a way forwards

Hello, @frostywindow, and we're really sorry to hear you're feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected].

Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

Op, we just wanted to flag up that we've edited your original post as we follow strict guidelines with these sorts of threads - we hope you understand but give us a shout on [email protected] if you'd like us to explain further.

I'm so sorry you feel this way OP. I don't have the same diagnosis as you but I can absolutely relate to a lot of what you've written and a lot of how you're feeling. I do firmly believe that the only logical option for me is suicide - there are some protective factors which mean that I'm not actively suicidal at the moment but I would just like to cease existing.

I don't have much engagement with NHS services anymore but I have found that seeking support privately has been a much better option in terms of both alternative treatment options (by which I mean different meds/combinations of meds/different types of therapy) and the level of care that I've received. I don't know if that's an option for you?

I could write lots of platitudes about how you're important and valued etc - which would all be true - but I've never found it very helpful when people have said it to me as they don't have to live in my head.

Look after yourself

Hello, I wanted to let you know people are listening. Good advice to call the Samaritans right now if you have no one to talk to right now - they will listen.

Not telling your close friends how you really feel is not the answer - they would want to help you if they knew what you’re feeling.

Do you have any additional support other than the CPN? Would talking to a psychologist or counsellor who you could develop a good relationship with help? Is there a way to review your meds?

For more everyday support (not crisis support) Bipolar UK has an online community support group which is open between 8am-8pm here: ecommunity.bipolaruk.org/entry/signin?Target=categories

I had severe depression and an eating disorder from the ages of 15-24. Finding the right medication and the right people to talk to how I felt were the first steps. There is a way through this and I have a far better quality of life now. You can too.

Please know that there are wonderful things about being alive, and your illness might be clouding things.

If you had a difficult childhood you may have been taught not to express how you feel - hence the mask. Learning that people won’t reject you if you speak honestly to them is an exercise in trust and stops you from isolating yourself even more.

Feeling trapped but not telling anyone about it must be horrible. Talking is really the first step, if you can. People do care.

Thank you for your replies.

Do you have any additional support other than the CPN? Would talking to a psychologist or counsellor who you could develop a good relationship with help? Is there a way to review your meds?

I don’t have additional support, no. I’ve just finished two years of psychotherapy which helped but obviously only so much.

@mynameiscalypso I used to have private healthcare and have tried just about every meds combination going. Lithium generally keeps things under control but sometimes these episodes sneak up on me. I’m so sorry you feel similar.

I chased my CPN about an appointment with my psychiatrist which she suggested. I’m not sure what good it will do unless he wants to send me for ECT.

I’ve spent much of today in bed. Not sleeping, just lying under the covers with my eyes shut. The sun was shining and I was annoyed at myself for not going out, but I didn’t want to. I feel like I’m making it worse for myself but it feels impossible to do anything.