Newly pregnant and frightened - any advice gratefully received

[FeelingFrightened]

I've recently discovered I am pg (approx 5 weeks). My partner and I have been together 3 years and live together. In recent months we decided that we would like to have children and because I am 34 perhaps should get started early. I have friends who have been trying ages with no luck, and always felt unsure of my own fertility so thought I would literally have ages before anything happened. However it has happened on the first go. I should be delighted, but instead I am absolutely petrified. I never dreamed it would happen so fast and I don't feel at all prepared. The fact we aren't married didn't bother me before, but since I found out I am pg it's all I can think about and I am constantly in tears. My partner is bemused as he thought getting pg is what we wanted and decided so why the upset.

I feel like a 16yr old who's "got into trouble" or done wrong. I am 34!!! Mainly because we aren't married, if it all goes wrong I can see myself trailing back to my parents with a small baby in tow. I earn average and can't afford to buy my own place. I just feel so vunerable and confused. Even feel embarrased at the thought of telling work colleagues.

Please please can anyone offer any advice that could bring any comfort? I really feel dreadful and in my worst moments in the middle of the night have considered not going ahead with the pregnancy. Then in the day I can feel a bit brighter but I'm all over the place at the moment.

Congratulations FF!

My DD was unplanned and we were not married. Despite being in our late 20s and together since uni we were petrified when we first found out. I too found myself surprisingly upset at not being married, having not been fussed beforehand.

We did get engaged v. quickly after finding out - DH says he'd been planning it for ages and waiting for my b'day (a couple of days after we found out) and got married after DD was born. I was surprised to find that I was bothered by things like having a different name to DD but that really was just based on what I thought others would think of our family rather than our relationship, which is what really matters.

I freaked out too. I couldn't get any info from the hospital, local surgery or midwives, all saying it was someone else's responsibility, didn't want to tell friends and family and was scared of being seen buying a book in the local bookshop (news travels fast here!). I just wish I'd known about MN!

In the end though, we pieced together info, got used to the idea and by the time DD arrived we were as ready as we were ever going to be. 9 months is a great length of time. I just took each stage as it came - first the idea of my body changing and having a bump, then leaving work, then giving birth, then having a baby to look after.

Good luck!

I'm 28 my partner is 39, we had been together 1 year and 4 months when I accidentally (in the sense that we were not at all careful) fell pregnant. We were not living together, we were not engaged (although dp had the ring). His response to my I'm definatley pregnant phone call was a lot of swear words - he had originally been the one who wanted kids, I wasn't hugely bothered about having them. It was a very worrying stressful time and I flew between feeling wonderful and being very worried and scared. I thought DP wanted me to terminate ( I would have left him if he really had) but he was just very stressed and scared. We loved each other like mad and wanted to get married but I didn't know if, both being total commitment phobes, we could make it work. All through the pregnancy I resented very bitterly not being engaged and DP refused to ask me when I was pregnant, it put a huge strain on me because I thought baby and I weren't wanted (I was very wrong about that). We moved in together, terrible pregnancy, prem baby, massive stress, lots of fighting, ill dp, dire house move etc etc. Got engaged officially when DS was 7 months old, he is now 10 months. We are very happy and neither of us regret becoming a family. It's amazing, DS is an absolute joy and makes us smile lots every day, even on the bad ones.

Thank you GG and ML! GG - I am reassured that you felt the same as I'm feeling now - it's nice to know it's not just me who suddenly thinks about marriage once pg when it really didn't seem to matter before.

Also to know that you learn as you go along with a baby. I am usually a positive "it'll be alright" sort of person and having an upbeat perspective on things helps make it seem far less daunting.

I have touched on the getting married topic with dp, however as we are both getting used to the pg news I haven't wanted to overload myself or him with the marriage issue. He has been really lovely to me this week esp with my bursting into tears randomly, so once things have settled down a bit we will talk more.

I wouldn't mind when and how we get married but with two sets of fairly traditional parents I feel we owe them a big traditional event - I know it's what dp & I want not them - but both our mums are feisty forthright characters with a lot of opinions. I suppose at the moment I feel responsible for the baby, him, myself, my parents feelings and his parents feelings and then fending off any negative comments about trapping dp/shotgun weddings/single mums. No wonder I feel .

i think for the moment you should not worry about the parents,you are an adult,maybe when you are feeling more settled yourself you can broach it to them,but for now ,its yours and your dp's business.good luck enjoy your pregnancy and be happy.

Thanks PS and BWB.

PS - I wasn't bothered by different surnames etc until last week when my sister was casually commenting on the topic in general and said how it's not good to have different surnames from each other (she has no idea I'm pg).

I'm very nervous of telling family and friends. We have a while yet but my friends and I have a big night out planned in a few weeks time so obviously I won't be drinking anything at all, which they will find odd and immediately guess. Not sure whether to tell them, lie, or not go yet!

Today I was wandering round the shops - picking out nice dresses and tops then putting them back thinking, they won't fit for long, and when they do fit again, they'll be out of fashion by 5 years!!!

BWB - I too think I will be resentful about not being engaged whilst pg. I know I sound so pathetic but I have already thought ahead in considering moving one of my existing rings to my wedding finger for when out and about in public (not for around family/friends), for when bump starts to show. I feel ridiculous saying that and am v glad I can share this here as there's no way I could ever admit it to anywhere else. Why would the general public/assistant in Boots/hairdresser even notice?!! I am so silly.

You're not silly at all. I remember when my then DP and I had been together for a while, and we decided we both wanted kids. My parents were going through a messy divorce nad I couldn't face the whole family wedding thing.

So i came off the pill and was a couple of days late one month.

I remember so clearly going to buy the pregnancy test, a nd feeling so self conscious that Ihad no ring on.

As you say, I'm sure the checkout girl in Boots didn't give a stuff, but I felt so weird about it.

The test was negative, I went back on the pill, and soon later DH proposed. I conceived on our wedding night and we now have a 9 mth old ds.

I know things won't work out quite like this for you, but you really are not alone in feeling like this.

I think you should talk to your partner about this - I agree, maybe leave it a couple of weeks, one thing at a time and all that, but he needs to know how you feel.

i'm sure he will reassure you of his commitment to you and your baby, whether this results in an engagement of not.

And to echo what others have said, 9 months is a long time ( just think how long ago last November seems....)

I was stressing too about not knowing anything about babies, couldn't put a nappy on etc, but you will pick this up. Why not sign up for an NCT ( National Childbirth Trust) antenatal course? Probably a bit early yet, but don't leave it too long as they get very booked up, but they are great for giving you info about pregnancy, labour and the early days after your baby arrives. If you google NCT, you'll find it.

I also read loads of parenting books - it's not for everyone but made me feel more prepared and in control.

Good Luck with everything - I'm sure things will look brighter soon.

Thanks for the advice Jojay, I will look into the NCT thing. I hope I will start to feel more excited than worried soon. It doesn't help that I have hardly slept all this week (combination of worrying and what feels like trapped wind in tummy area) plus I seem to have lost my appetite as well - except have become quite partial to natural fruitjuice icepops.

Is it too early for cravings yet?!

Nope - cravings can kick in at any time! At least that one's not TOO bizarre!! Or too fattening!!

Last February when I was trying to get pregnant I went out and bought loads of things I couldn't possibly fit into when I got pregnant. God knows why. I think like you I didn't really think of pregnancy as a real thing that could happen to me (and conceived the second month. I wore it all eventually. Just not last year.) I spent most of the pregnancy asking aloud, 'what the hell have I done?'.

Now, I am such a mother in most senses of the word, good and bad. I am obsessed with my baby, absolutely besotted by her. And she's HILARIOUS, she's just a big larky joky barrel of laughs. Yes, there's some difficult stuff too - maybe there's ONLY difficult stuff, but it's still funny quite a lot of the time. Being petrified is a sane response. But I'm never going to regret having a baby.

By your stage, I was already de-craving chocolate, by the way. That didn't last.

Can't resist them! I am a lot thirstier too. Plus everything smells very strong...

ff - i left my wedding to my mum. i didnt care at all how it went, in fact i left after 2 hours! my mum was happy she got her day tho, so book it and let them get on with it if you are more worried about what they want

i found looking at baby clothes helped me get excited - retail therapy!

Thanks Macneil. I was actually looking at a pencil dress thinking, if I just buy a size up would it go round a bump? Then saw sense and put it down. Even I know as a first-time nobody that a fitted pencil dress ain't never going to fit around a bump!!

I hope that by the time a bump arrives my mind will have caught up with it. I know most people (if not all actually) say they can't remember how life was before their baby. Maybe I just need to try and relax about it. Everyone's advice and stories are very reassuring. I got so upset the other night I had to do big deep breaths to calm down and it's the complete opposite of how I usually am. I am described as the "capable one" who'll "always be alright" out of my group of girl friends - if only they knew what a wibbling jelly I am at the moment!!!

That's good advice on both the wedding and clothes shopping GG! Every so often whilst passing baby clothes in Next or wherever I would spot items and think, how cute! or, how mini are those shoes, or, ewww, I would never dress my baby in that. Now, OMG, I will ACTUALLY be BUYING them!

Does anyone iron baby clothes?!?

I will naughtily advise you that if it's your first baby and you're lucky, you may not show for 4 months, so you might just have till about December to wear it. I was 34 too, and like you, I was the dependable one who never got stressed about anything. That comes back exactly when you need it! I promise.

No-one I know EVER irons baby clothes

Or maybe I just have slummy friends!!!

iron? hahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

Myself included

Thanks again Macneil I won't hold you to the 4 months but will certainly hope for it

I am a tallish too (5' 8") so hoping I don't end up looking and feeling like an elephant instead of my usual giraffe

I always wondered about the ironing and whether places like Mothercare sold special tiny irons and boards... genuinely...

Not even baby girl's dresses get ironed??? No??

you really wnt be bothered about the ironing when the baby is here. i only use my iron for t shirt transfers and hemming web

Hi FF, I also got pg straight away after coming off the pill. I assumed it would take ages! I thought, omg what have I done. I still thought that when dd was born! But we got on with it and it turned out great. dd is now 4 and about to start school sob
I never ironed baby clothes. I still don't iron all dd's stuff!
Have just spent ages ironing tapes onto her school clothes. Put me right off the rest of the ironing which is still there waiting!!
congrats to you

I don't actually iron any of my clothes of dh's either

Am I really weird?

I did buy ds a little shirt for his christening, and i did iron that though [proud emoticon]

Anyway, I'll shut up now. This is NOT a thread about ironing!!!!!!

Congratulations FF, being pregnant is wonderful news and I hope you are feeling a bit better after reading all the other threads.
I too felt just like you, was only with DP 9 months before I fell pregnant (was planned, but like you wasn't expecting to fall pregnant so quickly) at the age of 34. I remember being scared of telling my parents!

I'd tell your partner how you feel and your midwife too if you still feel like this at your booking in appointment.

I didn't tell my DP how scared I was until I was 14 weeks and wish I'd not kept my feelings to myself. I didn't tell anyone else though as I thought I was dreadful for not being happy. I had PND with DD and took a few years to bond with her. I fell pregnant with DS whilst on antidepressants, and went onto have PND again.
I so regret pretending everything was ok, just because everyone kept saying it was hormones.
All life changes are scary and being a parent is a really big deal. But, that's what your DP,friends and family are there for. To see you through though, if you let them, so tell them how you feel.
It's good you've found this site.

My happy ending is that we married last year and I've finally let myself enjoy my new life, still miss the old one at timeS!

Planning a wedding with small children, well that's a whole different story!

Good luck with everything.

Congratulations!
We tried for 5 years and I was still shocked and terrified when it finally happened. I think the terrified is quite normal even if its planned.

Why on earth would anyone think you snared him when you've been together three years and your name is on the mortgage???? Its not like he doesnt' want you around long term!
You don't have to explain yourself to ANYONE, so stop worrying.
They do sell little irons and ironing boards in mothercare but they are for kiddies to play with

Hi PG1 & thanks for your message. It's so good to know I'm not alone in how I feel right now & I am looking forward to feeling happy and excited.

In fact thanks everyone who has replied tonight, you've all been great. This week has been the best and worst at the same time but being able to discuss it with lots of you who've been there before me has been hugely reassuring and I feel more positive already.

Also lovely to receive congratulations, as the doctor certainly didn't say it (he's the only other person to know than dp).