Newly pregnant and frightened - any advice gratefully received

[FeelingFrightened]

I've recently discovered I am pg (approx 5 weeks). My partner and I have been together 3 years and live together. In recent months we decided that we would like to have children and because I am 34 perhaps should get started early. I have friends who have been trying ages with no luck, and always felt unsure of my own fertility so thought I would literally have ages before anything happened. However it has happened on the first go. I should be delighted, but instead I am absolutely petrified. I never dreamed it would happen so fast and I don't feel at all prepared. The fact we aren't married didn't bother me before, but since I found out I am pg it's all I can think about and I am constantly in tears. My partner is bemused as he thought getting pg is what we wanted and decided so why the upset.

I feel like a 16yr old who's "got into trouble" or done wrong. I am 34!!! Mainly because we aren't married, if it all goes wrong I can see myself trailing back to my parents with a small baby in tow. I earn average and can't afford to buy my own place. I just feel so vunerable and confused. Even feel embarrased at the thought of telling work colleagues.

Please please can anyone offer any advice that could bring any comfort? I really feel dreadful and in my worst moments in the middle of the night have considered not going ahead with the pregnancy. Then in the day I can feel a bit brighter but I'm all over the place at the moment.

I would first of all tell your DP what you have told us. Who knows, a propsal may be the reply!!
It is normal to be scared. I am married but my first thought when I saw the positive test was fear that I would be left on my own. It didn't happen and we now have 3 children.
Are you actually medically depressed?

well, to begin with, sinc eyou have never been pregnant before, there is no difference betweenyou and a sixteen yera old pregnant or the first time.
secondly, all the hormones in you r system make you tearful. second pregnancy, i cried my eyes out in front of the entiresecondry school during a fire alarm. all thekids thought it was myfault. i told my head i was pregnant whilst in tears i n front of everyone on the shool palying fields. its thehormones.

if being unmarried is a problem, then arrange a quickie one at te registy office.
but do celebrate your pregnancy. it is something to be happy andproud of.

Have you told your partner how you are feeling. Perhaps you could propose to him? There is no need to tell anyone at work at the moment give yourself time to let this great news sink in.

Do talk to your partner he's is probably wondering what on earth is going on.

Let me know how you get on.

Thanks v much for replying. I'm not medically depressed, and in fact until the positive result was just as happy-go-lucky as ever. I did say to dp that I wished we were married and he said "but it didn't bother you before" (which is fair) then, "These things are meant to be a surprise" (don't know if that means a proposal is on the way or not). He is a decent person and a good partner who would make a fab Dad I'm sure - which is why I chose him in the first place - but have an awful vision of struggling on my own with a baby for some reason. We haven't split up before or anything so don't know why I am feeling like this. he is much more positive and in fact has been very kind to me through all the tears and moving of goalposts re being married or not.

ff,give yoursefelf a break. its the hormones

Thanks Superalienstitch and Mummyfixit. I went to see the doctors and hoped he might say something jolly and reassuring but he literally had nothing to say except that the hospital would write with the scan details in the near future.

I thought I would be celebrating and proud but instead I can only think about negative what if's. I know it's ridiculous esp given my age. I also worry that I don't know what to do with babies like how many times they feed or how many nappies they use etc, its all a mystery!

Don't worry, you do have quite a few months to find out abput all these things. Loads of people felt like you do- you're not alone, honest.
Agree regarding hormones!

FeelingFrightened my dp and i have been together 10 years we have a beautiful 13 month old dd who we both dote on. We love each other and have a wonderful family. Being married makes no difference to how happy you are, we are happier than some married couples we know. Concentrate on the positives and don't worry about the marriage bit - I agree it is important when you have children to feel secure and legally marriage provides some of that and it is probably a good idea when children are involved, but you can sort that out any time. We are doing it later this year. Good luck and be happy!!!!!

Sounds very normal

ahhhh this is great news.

ok start at the begining.

so, you are pregnant, you were going to try any way BUT this little one is on the way a little sooner that anticipated!

reg office wedding is what we did and we had a fab day, cheep, cheerful and every one was delighted for us.

Look at it this way.......

This is your next GREAT adventure in life.
embrace it, get excited and think of what is ahead.

the best description of having a child is "you know in the wizard of oz when dorothy is all in black and white....
Well, having a child is just like Dorothy stepping out of the black and white and into the colour,that is what your baby will bring into your life.

i cant even begn to describe it to you, it is the most fantastic, joyful and proud moment when you feel your baby kick for the first time, see your baby on the screen at your first scan, buy your first baby grow and you CANNOT NOt smile when you hold it up and think.."i will hold a baby in this soon"

you have SO many fabulous times ahead of you, one after the other after the other, you will be overwhelmed by it all.
to feel frightened of the unknown is natural hun.
But its all good, its all good.

please dont be scared, this child was made for you both.
Just you wait and see.

I feel even worse as I appreciate how many people are trying to conceive. Apart from my dp and doctor, nobody knows so I have no-one to talk about it with. I know plenty of people who aren't married who have kids, and certainly don't judge them - in fact I never thought anything of it and that's why I was happy not to be married before trying to conceive myself - could the hormones have made me feel so very insecure? Is that common??

yep, normal.

Thanks dissle, that's a lovely message. I have always loved and wanted children but it just has happened so suddenly it's been a real shock. Its early days yet and dp keeps saying to give myself time to get used to the idea and take it one day at a time. I know he's committed to me, I am just thinking and worrying too much...

Feeling frightened...Take a huge hug from me if you wish...

I had DS 4 years ago. I was married. the pregnancy was totally unexpected but never unwelcome but I too felt tearful and that the whole thing was somehow my fault. I felt a huge weight of pressure on me, all perceived, not real, and I just wanted it all to go away.

Put it down to hormones. Tell DP how you feel and enjoy the next part of your life.

Oh and congratulations

Congratulations to you!

I tried to get pg for a year, had a mc and then eventually conceived my daughter. Even though I was desperate to have a child, when I saw that little blue line I thought 'oh what the hell have I done?' It's perfectly normal, it's an enormous thing, almost incomprehensible and the fear about being on your own with a baby is normal too. Many pregnant women dream that their partner leaves/cheats etc. It's your subconscious baulking at the enormity of this particular stage of your life. I assume you're fixating on marriage as you want to provide an unshakeable base for your child? Although marriage won't necessarily provide this, it's fine to admit that it's important to you.

Believe me, you give yourself until 12 weeks for it to settle in and you'll feel entirely different. There's nothing like holding your baby in your arms and knowing that you belong together.

You're going to be just fine.

what is it that worries you?

Thanks everyone for your lovely messages. Dissle, my main worry is as follows (its probably sounding ridiculous). I keep thinking about how hard a lot of people say looking after a baby is. I know it's not all roses esp when the baby is crying lots and everyone is tired. My partner earns well but has a stressful job for it and I worry that he may get tired and resentful with months of not sleeping properly. Then, although we own a house and I am on the mortgage, it's his house originally plus I could never afford it on my own, so if difficult times lay ahead and he/we couldn't cope as a couple, I would automatically be the one to have to move out.
My second worry is that some people (like some at work who are known as nasty gossips) will think of me as a.... slapper behind my back, and say that I've snared him by falling pg, even though we have planned it together and it's certainlt no accident. I feel like I will have to explain myself.

it is hard, but you will be surprised and proud at how you just get on and cope.
sleep may be an issue but then it may not be, you may get a baby who sleeps very well.
if not, then you sleep when baby does.
your dp will manage, we took it in turns so we got enough sleep.
resentment......i dont think so, when he looks at the baby and sees himself in its eyes, he will melt...even at 2am when he has to be up at 6 for work.
it takes 2 to do this job.
the house/your home, when you have a child, the law changes and shifts towards the welfare of the child...not sure 100% about this, some one will know though.
it is your dps responsibility to keep a roof over his childs head, with that is you.

these are all very practical worries, very valid worries, so no not silly at all.

yes it is hard work looking afte a baby ,but the immense love you feel for your child far outweighs that,It is a love that can never be beaten,Mum and baby bond is fabulous.

please tell me and your self that you are not interested in them calling you a slapper...lol, stupid twats, they cannot be serious surely, trapped my arse!!!!!

its none of their business,you dont have to explain to them and if they call you anything like that it will just show up their ignorance.

Well, no, I know I'm not a slapper, but these are the same few irritating people who keep asking (literally once a month average in the last 24 months) when dp is going to propose, and why he hasn't already? So far I have said everything except "mind your own bl**dy business".

i would of said that already take no notice and just concentrate on yourself ,dp and your dear litle one,It wont do to get yourself stressed out about it ,believe me when you are holding that litle one you will be so thrilled you wont give any of them a single thought.

it might help you to go over to one of the pregnancy threads,you will get a lot of support and advice there.

havent read replies so sorry if im repeating anything -

1st of all congratulations

feeling prepared - you have 9 months to prepare, you really dont need much for a baby. and if you are not prepared when he or she arrives you wing it. ds4 is now 6 months and i am still winging it! it works out fine, all babies feed and need nappy changes differently so no one can give you that info anyway you have to wait and your baby lets you know

i actually made dh marry me when i found out i was pg with ds4 (he didnt mind!). i think its normal to want to know they are going to stick around and you are not on your own. you need to talk to him about it, i know its not very romantic but men dont think the way we do. you might be worried about him leaving but there is probably nothing further from his mind. lots of people think that the baby is extra commitment so it might be a total shock to him to hear you feel like this

the good news is now you are pregnant you have raging hormones and if someone say something you dont like you can burst into tears and make them feel dreadful (rightly so the cheeky mares) and you have the perfect excuse. (its also the perfect excuse for making your other half go to the shop at midnight to buy you ice cream - pregnancy is way more fun after you realise this)