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Original poster

All i sodding want is a family and i cant even do that right....

59 replies

nightowl · 31/08/2007 20:41

yes i am feeling pretty crap. its not much to ask is it at nearly 30?

every relationship ive ever had has fallen to bits and sometimes i just dont understand what i do to make it like this. my mother is an alcoholic, my real dad doesnt give a shit, my stepdad hates me for reasons unknown.

i dont have many friends. now this is ok, because over the years ive got rid of the people dragging me down. i have two good friends, which i think is better than tons of "going out friends".

i just dont understand why im so hard to love, and why everyone seems to crap on me from a great height.

im not a bad person, i try...i try my best. i love, adore my kids, im a loyal friend, i go out to work, i have a decent home. when im not feeling this shite i am a good laugh. i am a good person, but everyone seems determined to put me down...and the harder i try, the more they do it.

my kids have gone to my aunts tonight and i looked around my house and realised that the silence is killing me! without my kids im nothing. i have no fun, nothing to look forward to and its been like this for over 8 years. i work, i clean, i look after the kids. there's nothing else. everything i touch turns to crap no matter what i do.

i dont want for much, just a normal family would be nice...and im always alone in one way or another. i dont live, i just exist.

most of the time i can deal with that, and carry on as normal but for some reason tonight i feel bloody awful. ive been pretending im ok for a long time, and im really not.

im so embarrassed posting this

OP posts:
shakenvac · 31/08/2007 22:28

Nightowl. I believe you are a single parent. I am one too and I can identify with your feelings.

This is my take on it: We all feel lonely at one time or another, whether we are in a relationship or not. Women whose partners work away miss them when they are not there but at least they know they are coming home at some point. A woman who is with her man but they argue and she sometimes feels lonely with him or would rather be on her own - she is lonely but she has a situation to deal with and still has the comfort of the status (for the outside world) of being in a partnership. Don't get me wrong, there are bad relationships which are far worse than being on your own but there is a particular sadness/wistfulness/frustration about loving your kids but not having a nice bloke to complete the picture - someone who thinks you're special and really 'gets' you.

We've probably all been in love but it doesn't always last. As a single parent, I can't help asking myself why it didn't last for me and/or why did I pick him to be the father of my kids. On top of that, you have to deal with the status of being a single parent which - if we're honest - is noone's ambition. Also, when you leave work, everyone seems to have plans for the evening of the weekend but your choices can be limited if you have noone to babysit. It is easy to feel and become isolated. Isolation leads to introspection and you wonder how you got to this point and how much of it was your fault.

Of course it is not the end of the world and you do have to pull yourself up and get some kind of life going for yourself. If you don't, noone else will do it for you. But it is easier said than done, especially when your children are small, you get used to having to stay at home with them - then, when you do try to resurrect your social life, everyone's moved on and you don't know how to do it any more. Not to mention the fact that single mothers can be quite vulnerable in the dating marketplace.

Maybe I am talking about myself here, not you. Maybe I am depressed. Maybe you are depressed. But don't think that there is something wrong with you. You've just had some things go wrong and not enough support from those people who should have cared about you. Because of the circumstances of your life, it might not be easy to find someone but it's not impossible. Try and work out what went wrong in previous relationships to avoid it happening again. But realise that you may just have been unlucky - it happens - don't let it define you going forward. Don't fall for the first guy who shows an interest in you. Be fussy. Join a male and female social club to do an activity that interests you rather than a dating website and make sure that you have a budget for a babysitter as a necessity rather than a luxury. Take it slowly. Try and concentrate on what you have to offer and how lucky someone would be to be with you (not the negative stuff). This is my advice to myself.

Hope you feel better soon.

Original poster
nightowl · 31/08/2007 22:44

oh dear, i seem to have come across as a saddo desperate for a man!

im not, just feeling particularly crappy. im fine on my own. im not one of these women who has to be involved, like my own space. bit of a downer tonight...thanks to all who have replied...much appreciated

OP posts:
shakenvac · 31/08/2007 22:44

I've re-read your OP and you are not just talking about men but also your family and friends. I'm no expert but it is very difficult to change negative patterns in your family because the dynamics become very set over the years. You say you have dropped friends because they were no good. You say that everyone seems determines to put you down. Are you quite a sensitive person who has high expectations of people?

Life can seem very unfair sometimes. I have a few close friends but I've certainly had plenty of relationships and friendships fall by the wayside over the years. The fewer friendships you have the higher your expectations will be of them and the more likely they are to disappoint. Perhaps try not to put all your eggs in one basket, all your hopes into too few relationships. That way, you won't take it so much to heart when things go wrong.

Perhaps you don't want advice but just a moan. As someone else has said, maybe you are depressed and need some help to be able to move forward.

Original poster
nightowl · 31/08/2007 22:55

i am sensitive, but no high expectations.

for example: i finally dropped my friend of 15 years (who was often a bitch to me tbh) beacause after years of being there for her when she continued to be with her abusive, violent bf (who as much as i loathed, had never said a bad word about to her or anyone else)...when they split up, he decided to blame it one me (purely because i was her best friend) and decided to take revenge on me personally

i think i was justified on that one.

OP posts:
Original poster
nightowl · 31/08/2007 22:58

all i ever expect from friends is loyalty, i dont get involved wih their relationships and they dont get involved with mine! we may not agree...but we are there to support each other if it goes pear shaped for whatever reason.

OP posts:
shakenvac · 31/08/2007 22:59

Yes, it doesn't sound like a good situation. Do you have any good friends now?

binkleandflip · 31/08/2007 23:00

sadly its not uncommon for that to happen - same with me and a friend of mine whose dh's was so violent yet they kept getting back together - I was cited as the cause of all his issue with his wife - complete arse - one day he picked a fight with someone harder and was murdered. I dropped her long before that, when I realised a real friend doesnt involve you in that kind of stuff.

She never tried to contact me, make amends etc - so that in itself can feel like a rejection - but you have to give yourself some credit - and not the bolshy "I dont need anyone but I still know loads of people so there!!" type crap - I mean accepting that with friend like those who needs enemies etc... and that its not personally about you - its about their selfishness - and moving on to like-minded people you can really relate to.

Original poster
nightowl · 31/08/2007 23:08

its awkward isnt it? you have this friend who you know since childhood and you want to be there for...but i put my life on hold at times to be there for her..i never judged, listened and gave advice...never "slagged" her bf off at all.

but when it came down to it..after years of this...after him taking his personal "revenge" out on me i told her enough was enough.

i have a very good friend who i always knew, but didnt really "know" until this other friend did us both over!

so that's fine. because there ARE people who like me for who i am and know im a good person.

i guess i was just feeling awful tonight, but i know im ok really....thanks

OP posts:
jpd · 31/08/2007 23:08

You sound sooooo like me. I too come across as someone put it, 'supremely confident' not long after he gave me the sack. not before he relocated me 50 miles from home. Some people just feel threatened by outwardly confident types. They probably want to be just like you and therefore try and pull you down, your'e sensitive (nothing wrong with that) and you naturally respond. Vicsious circle ensues. The point being it's the strong personalities who fall fowl to this. But from that understand that you have strength and you just have to find it again. But now and again there's nothing wrong in showing your vulnerability, know what i mean?

Original poster
nightowl · 31/08/2007 23:15

yeah...so i can blub now and again

tomorrow i'll be fine im sure. problems will still be there...but it wont matter so much.

OP posts:
jpd · 31/08/2007 23:21

hey wallow lots if it makes you feel better. Do you think your'e missing the kids too?

Original poster
nightowl · 31/08/2007 23:21

thanks for listening, onwards and upwards...all that crap!

am off to bed now. much apprciated

OP posts:
Original poster
nightowl · 31/08/2007 23:22

yes, im missing them loads!

OP posts:
jpd · 31/08/2007 23:27

Aah bless ya, sending a big hug, me thinks I should go to bed now but I'm just getting into this site (just joined up tonight). My DB arrived in an hour ago, he's been on the lash all day at the races so he'll snore all night so I thinks me give him a wide berth, what do you think!????????

Original poster
nightowl · 31/08/2007 23:34

oh yes you should!! you just joined tonight? wow. tis not always this depressing really

i am humerous at times honest!

and welcome! may i recommend many classic threads.

OP posts:
jpd · 31/08/2007 23:37

Whats that then?

Original poster
nightowl · 31/08/2007 23:40

oh lordy...mad tablecloth woman, pirate sex (now that is a good one), stealing grapes from supermarket etc etc. what site have you come from? {looks dodgy} {does that scary oil painting eyes thing}.

OP posts:
jpd · 31/08/2007 23:43

Oh my god, shine a chuffin light! Just looked at 'am i the only one thats pissed' thread, totally freaked me out, thought i was fairly liberal, is that the kind of thimg you mean?

madamez · 31/08/2007 23:43

Sorry you're feelingso shit. It happens sometimes, especialy if you have a lot of people round you who need care. But it will get better. There will be lots of little moments of feeling quite happy and then they will build into general feeling happy. Sorry bit pissed tonight but I have been there too. It gets better. Big hug.

Original poster
nightowl · 31/08/2007 23:47

missed that one jpd!

madamez, thanks...

could do a huggy wuvvly thread here

big hugs...aww dd did that tonight as she buggered off to someone elses house bless her.

OP posts:
jpd · 31/08/2007 23:54

Just one last message, I don't think for a minute you are clinically depressed, your sense of humour is still well and truly intact! That's all you need kiddo!

Original poster
nightowl · 31/08/2007 23:57

im liking you already!

OP posts:
jpd · 31/08/2007 23:59

That's cos I'm soooooooo cool. God will someone send me to bed. I'm normally tucked in by 9.30! Have drank over half a bottle of wine since 8, what a lush!!!!!!!!!

Original poster
nightowl · 01/09/2007 00:01

i was going to bed...now look what you've bloody done.

tut tut

OP posts:
jpd · 01/09/2007 00:05

Don't blame me! By the way how do I know when you are typing a response, do I just keep pressing the refresh button? (told you I was real cool) {hmm}