I was too rough with my 15 month old son tonight 😞

[Ayerby]

I’ve suffered from depression anxiety postpartum PTSD OCD and bipolar disorder my whole life.
This started happening probably when my son was three months old but it’s been getting worse before it was just me sitting him down a little too hard or grunting and growling when I was sleep deprived trying to put him to sleep. But like I said I think it’s been getting worse I don’t really know what to do or how to actually get help because I’m afraid if I speak up take my son away which is my biggest fear. I know that’s a postpartum talking. So tonight I was putting my son to sleep he’s teething he has four new teeth. It took two hours of me nursing him, patting his back and rocking him... it started with me 45 minutes and setting them down really hard and yelling “why the fuck won’t you sleep why the fuck won’t you just fucking sleep I’m so fucking tired of this I don’t want to do this anymore “and then I went back to nursing him for another 20 or 30 minutes. And he got up set up and wanted burped I burped him for 20 minutes. Laid him back down very aggressively I pushed him into the bed a little bit and I yelled at him more. I walked away for 10 minutes and he just laid there scared. It broke my heart I cried. I went back and I nursed him more and then he finally fell asleep. I’m afraid this is going to keep getting worse and the thoughts that go through my head a horrible uncontrollable mean evil thoughts. I’ve had bad thoughts my whole life I’ve always been able to control them but I never thought that I would have them towards my own flesh and blood. I’m ashamed of myself I feel like a horrible mother. During the day I do everything right. I feed him the perfect diet. I give him the best toys the best clothes I do attachment style parenting so I pick him up as soon as he needs picked up my nurse on demand I do baby led weaning I read all the books I watch all the shows I do everything the best that I can… During the day. But at night I am a monster. A sleep deprived monster. He’s asleep now and I am having my only vice which is smoking a cigarette wallowing in my own self-pity

Are you a single parent?
Are you having treatment for your MH?
You need to call your HV/GP first thing and talk this through with a professional to see what support is available.

Your child is old enough now to know that you're angry but won't understand why and that will be scary for them. You really need to get help.

Are you a single parent? Do you have family who could help?
This absolutely cannot continue - you will be traumatising him with this behaviour and that may be part of why he won't sleep.
Have you tried co sleeping? At 15 months the risks are low. Also, you shouldn't need to be winding him at 15 months - are you sure he doesn't just want a cuddle?

Perhaps for his safety and your peace of mind it’s better to end breastfeeding and attachment style parenting now. If I were you I would also explore childcare options do you get a stretch of sleep diring the day

You really need to get help for your sons sake if nothing else. One hears news stories where parents fits of rage harms kids really badly.

Does he still nap? Can you nap in the day when he naps?

I’m afraid the niceness in the day won’t cancel out the scariness of the night.

Sleep deprivation is a total killer, especially if you are prone to depression or MH issues of any sort.

For all of your sakes (you are just as important as your child by the way) please seek immediate help. Reach out to a parenting help line or a lifeline type phone service (I am in Aus so not being sure where you are I am not sure exactly who you need to call sorry), put your phone on private and it will be anonymous.

I cannot tell you how much it helped me to reach out ad talk to a total stranger who made no judgement on me in the times where I have been struggling at my worst.

Please do it now, as in right now if you can. If your child is awake set him up with some snacks and a movie (yes, give yourself to do that because in this moment you need to take care of you before you can take care of them), sit with him and make that phone call.

After you do that you need to make longer term arrangements to see a counsellor, psychologist etc and perhaps seek some help on parenting ideas for times like this.

One Mum who has struggled to another (my eldest has ADHD and my youngest was a terrible sleeper and life can be tough) you need to prioritise yourself without guilt xx

You need help, and if you love your son as much as you say you do then you’ll put aside your pride and admit to the HV/GP what has been happening. Right now what you’ve done isn’t ideal, but you can get help before it escalates into something catastrophic.

I had pnd and I had to phone my mom sobbing once to come get my son Now as I was scared I'd hurt him. I meant it as well.
Go get help, honestly no one will take him away, your not a bad mom but need help honestly it's relatively normal. If you were a bad mom you wouldn't feel bad right ow or have tried to help your child.
My son has never ever slept ever, won't for the childminder or my mom or anyone. It's brutal esp when your working full time.
It honestly gets better.. Now he's 18mths and does.
Go get some support please and be kind to yourself.
I stopped breastfeed and it helped. Also going to sound mad but headphones with fav TV show on or a book or music so you don't have to listen to the whining while comforting them. This helped me keep calm while trying to get a non sleeper to sleep.
You will be okay but it can't continue. You live him and part of loving him is getting the help for you as well as him.

Please please listen to the advice people have given and seek help immediately.
This can’t continue. Not for one more night. I have 15 month old twins. They would be really scared in a situation like you describe. I’m sorry you are struggling but you cannot treat your tiny child like this!

Leaving aside your mental health- 15 months is loads of time for BF, you can stop now if you like. He’s becoming a toddler now rather than a baby, if it’s taking 3 hours to get to sleep at night you need to cut right back on daytime naps. Start a new bedtime routine and stick to it every night. Give him loads of stimulation and play time during the day, plenty of time outdoors. Good luck

I would like to add that removing day sleeps is a terrible idea, often babies and children that don't sleep are so over tired that they actually struggle to sleep.

More sleep leads to more sleep not the other way round with the exception of if they are getting a full 'nights' sleep during the day.

You poor thing. The lack of sleep is absolute torture. I understand.

It’s important for now (until you can get help) that you ignore him when you need to. If you are feeling angry shut his door and walk away until you calm down. He will be fine.

Make an appointment with your gp, a double one for yourself and your baby. Tell them you can’t continue the way it’s going. They will be able to help, and they won’t remove your baby.

www.cry-sis.org.uk/

Sleep deprivation plus PND is just absolutely awful.

Is dad in the picture? Or a very close relative/ friend? At that age I had to night wean for my own sanity. I left my son with his dad from 6pm (final feed) and came home at 6am for first morning feed. Within 3 days he'd got the idea and I was well rested so felt much better too. He started to sleep a bit better (he's still not great and he's 4) but it meant I felt I could manage a bit better. I also attachment parent but sometimes, you've got to put your needs first to continue to be able to meet their needs.

I think some of these responses are unhelpful.
I would bet more mums than anyone would think have low points of anger and desperation.
OP people love to pile onto these threads and judge. It's human nature.
Love you aren't a bad mum. You are struggling with your mental health and sleep deprivation. It's a hard, hard combination.
Firstly I will promise you that this will pass. I've been there. My son is now a huge, loving 14 year old and we have a great relationship. I'm not proud of my low points but it absolutely has not damaged him because I've also given him so much love.
The advice about getting support is good. You need a break. Can someone take him for you, for a bit?
Attachment Style parenting has a lot to answer for. Sure it has its merits. But in its extreme, it's driving Mums without the support to guilt and illness. It really is okay to stop breastfeeding now if you think it would help (might encourage sleep?).
Looking back the best advice I'd give myself is to be kind to myself. I wish I could have seen the lovely, talented boy my son was going to grow into. I'd have relaxed more!
DO NOT listen to any hysterical posts claiming you will catastrophically hurt your son.
Good luck and big hugs xxx

Was 15 months a typo? Just seems old to be burping a 15 month old.

Please ask gp or hv for advice e. 15 months old toddlers dont need burping. That s weird.
They will support you if you are honest.
Is there anyone else around to help ?

If you get so frustrated to the point that you are swearing and shouting could you not just leave the room at that point and go and let it all out downstairs? There's been a couple of times where i've got angry (haven't we all) and i've taken myself out of the situation and gone into the kitchen and swore like a sailor! Then come back once you feel a bit better? Then at least your son isn't in the firing line.

Is weird a helpful word?
Perhaps don't seek counselling as a career anytime soon

Op, I've been where you are. Honestly, if you can, sack off the attachment parenting. It doesn't work well with postnatal depression or the other things you have going on. It's far better to leave him crying or grumbling for a few minutes than to be rough or angry with him. Imagine it like giving yourself an adult time out. It's bloody hard and it does get much easier. Don't beat yourself up over it, just make conscious steps to pick a style of parenting that's tailored to what you have going on. Seek any extra support you might have locally and tell any GP or MH team you might be seeing that you're having these moments. It doesn't make you a bad mum, it makes you a human with MH issues, trying to do what's best for your baby

I know it's not the done thing either but I had to stop beast feeding or I'd have found things much harder. The relentless mess of the cluster feeds, constantly being used as a human dummy/pacifier and just lack of bodily freedom after a birth trauma made things way worse. Maybe think about formula feeding too. It won't kill him and it might help.

I also urge you to seek support from your GP. are you currently on medication? The amount of times I've said similar phrases with my twins was something I'm not proud of. But i had PTSD/anxiety/depression. However I'm now on citalopram and things are so much better. If breastfeeding isn't working for you any more, it's really ok to stop. A 15 month old doesn't need night feeds any more and it might be better for your mental health if you consider weaning. If you feel the frustration getting too much them walk away from him, close the door and put some distance between you and him until you've calmed down.

Also i want to suggest meditation. They're are some YouTube videos. I use the ones by a channel called honest guys. They're amazing for getting control of yourself even if you just stand still and do the deep breathing exercise when you quickly need a minute - it just helps you to ground yourself.

However it feels for you, your behaviour to your son is terrifying for him. Unlike an adult, he doesn't have a choice to get up and take himself away from it, he just has to lie there and hope that the person he loves and relies on most in the world will go back to being the kind, daytime person he recognises and stop frightening him

If you love your son as much as you say you do, you would accept help at whatever cost, because his well-being comes first.

It's that simple.

You sound like the feeding is giving you a ‘trigger’ for anger. It will probably help to stop breastfeeding. The nipple-chewing feeling used to bother me a lot. Also if you have intrusive thoughts, get to the Dr. It can be a serious form of ocd but responds well to drugs like Sertraline.

How sad and scary for your son. Get some help and support op.

Yes it's brutal when you are sleep deprived, but that can't be used as a valid excuse to frighten you ds.

Op, I have BPD too and I totally understand the BP rage. It's vicious and nasty and largely out of my control. But the meds help.

Are you under a psychiatrist or GP? It might be time to go and have your meds re-assessed. All you'd have to say is that you're suffering from uncontrollable bouts of anger.

Hope you feel better soon