I was too rough with my 15 month old son tonight 😞

[Ayerby]

I’ve suffered from depression anxiety postpartum PTSD OCD and bipolar disorder my whole life.
This started happening probably when my son was three months old but it’s been getting worse before it was just me sitting him down a little too hard or grunting and growling when I was sleep deprived trying to put him to sleep. But like I said I think it’s been getting worse I don’t really know what to do or how to actually get help because I’m afraid if I speak up take my son away which is my biggest fear. I know that’s a postpartum talking. So tonight I was putting my son to sleep he’s teething he has four new teeth. It took two hours of me nursing him, patting his back and rocking him... it started with me 45 minutes and setting them down really hard and yelling “why the fuck won’t you sleep why the fuck won’t you just fucking sleep I’m so fucking tired of this I don’t want to do this anymore “and then I went back to nursing him for another 20 or 30 minutes. And he got up set up and wanted burped I burped him for 20 minutes. Laid him back down very aggressively I pushed him into the bed a little bit and I yelled at him more. I walked away for 10 minutes and he just laid there scared. It broke my heart I cried. I went back and I nursed him more and then he finally fell asleep. I’m afraid this is going to keep getting worse and the thoughts that go through my head a horrible uncontrollable mean evil thoughts. I’ve had bad thoughts my whole life I’ve always been able to control them but I never thought that I would have them towards my own flesh and blood. I’m ashamed of myself I feel like a horrible mother. During the day I do everything right. I feed him the perfect diet. I give him the best toys the best clothes I do attachment style parenting so I pick him up as soon as he needs picked up my nurse on demand I do baby led weaning I read all the books I watch all the shows I do everything the best that I can… During the day. But at night I am a monster. A sleep deprived monster. He’s asleep now and I am having my only vice which is smoking a cigarette wallowing in my own self-pity

Op they will not take your child away from you if you ask for help. Social services will do all they can to get you through this, they can put in place outside support for you.

But you have to take that first scary step and talk to your gp and hv.

You sound frightened, stressed and very tired. Do you have a good network of support?

Why are you winding a toddler??
If this has really been going on for a year, why have you not been to your GP?

You poor thing. I'm so sorry you're going through this. You're getting a but of a hard time from others but I guess they've never been through such a challenging mental health issue.

I had PTSD and PND so I understand. My son is two and I can recall two occasions when I shouted and swore at him to please just sleep. I felt truly awful afterwards.

What helped me:

-stopped BFing at 15 months so bedtimes weren't always falling to me. Gave me a bit of time back which I craved
-talked to GP and was referred for CBT and clinical psychology
-got wireless headphones and found podcasts on Spotify to listen to when he was fussing

It's ok to ignore him for a few minutes if you feel yourself getting angry. Make sure he is safe and walk away and get a drink. He will be ok.

Please make a GP appt today. You can change this.

Do you have anyone you can lean on for some support in real life?

Hi OP,

We're so sorry for what you're going through. It sounds incredibly hard.

Whilst advice and support from Mumsnetters is an incredible thing, it in no way replaces real-life help and support from professionals trained to deal with these things.

Please do take a look at the NHS website for information on how to get help. You can also find lots of useful advice on Mind's website, too.

We're going to move your thread over to our mental health topic now and we urge you to seek real-life help as soon as possible.

Sending love and best wishes from all at MNHQ.

@Borkins so you’re advocating the Op frightening her toddler because she has a ‘low point’? If so where is the cut off? If frightening them when you’re angry is okay is smacking them okay in anger? She’s admitted to already physically being rougher already and this has escalated from grunting and growling during bed time. So it’s not too far to think that if the op doesn’t get help it could escalate further and she clearly doesn’t want that to happen. She needs help from professionals and that’s not a judgement just a fact.

I’ve been there I’ve had PND after my second who is 8 months old. I was getting angry and sleep deprivation is a bitch on your MH. I got counselling and coping mechanisms and things are so much better and brighter. There is no shame in seeking help.

I do cosleep. I nurse him to sleep laying down and then when he sleep I finish some household chores and lay down with him and he usually wakes twice in the night

I've been there op. You know you've done wrong and you must allow yourself to regret it enough that you never, ever do such a thing again. Whatever happened to you in your life before him, whatever your mental health concerns, you must draw a line in the sand and say "no more". Get a playpen and if you ever feel that anger welling up in you again you put him in it, make sure he can't hurt himself and you take yourself out of the room until you've calmed down enough that you can deal with him as a responsible adult.

Meanwhile, you need to be honest with mental health professionals and ask for the support you clearly need. Realise that professionals will see your determination to change as a positive and nowadays they do everything they can to help parents improve and help children to stay with them.

I was where you are 12 years ago. Dd is now 13, doing amazingly at school and has a lovely group of friends. And all because i asked for help to be the kind of parent i wanted to be. Not perfect but good enough.

Have you spoken to anyone today @Ayerby?

Other things that saved my sanity:

Getting my mum to help out once a week while i took some time for myself.

Getting out of the house as early as i could each day - forcing myself to go to toddler groups even if it was the very last thing i wanted to do. Or failing that the park or just for a walk with her in the buggy. I always felt slightly better and more appreciative of dd afterwards.

Joining a group with other mums in a similar position.

Joining the local meet-up page on Netmums (i think MN now has similar) but admittedly that was once i was starting to get better. Might be too much for you right now.

@Ayerby feel free to message me. It's completely normal.

Do you have a bedtime routine for him? So warm bath before bed, maybe a little massage with oil or lotion, same songs, and then the breastfeeding? Might help, if you don't.

My DD is a breast monster also. I just put on the TV on low with subtitles and let her get on with it, so that way I don't feel like my evening is on hold. If she is not going to sleep at all, yes, I let her watch TV and sit there and cuddle her. You don't need to do anything perfectly, except love and be kind to him, and I'm wondering if with the diet and the other things during the day, you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to be perfect which is making you feel under pressure and angry.

Put your DS COMPLETELY off-limits when it comes to your anger. I have some MH struggles and a temper but I compartmentalise it all so she gets the very best of me emotionally. feel sorry for DP though

Some of these comments are so bloody unhelpful, and clearly coming from women who have been fortunate enough not to have experienced postnatal depression at its worst.

I am so sorry you’re going through this. It’s so tough not getting a good nights sleep and dealing with a very demanding baby. I agree with the comments about ending the breastfeeding now. I honestly think it will be the best move for your mental health right now. It will be difficult and take a few days but it’s going to give you more freedom, and hopefully more sleep!

I’m not sure if this questions been answered yet but are you receiving any kind of treatment for the depression etc? Again if you aren’t, I strongly recommend you contact your gp and asked to be referred to the perinatal team as soon as possible to get you down for therapy and maybe medication if they advise it. Your baby is under two so you’re still in the bracket for postnatal mental health care.

I’ve been there with my son. He’s 2.5 now and the most confident, thriving and happy little boy. No one would ever know his mother resented him terribly for the first 18 months of his life. I was so deeply unwell and am glad I sought help early on. I’m sure you have only his best interests at heart - it’s clear in what you’ve written here. Please look after yourself, you are your baby’s whole entire universe x

Wholeheartedly agree with everything @RuffleCrow has said.

So sorry to hear this op
But you know you need help ASAP
I’ve had pnd with my sons (4) it’s horrendous and you feel very alone and scared but people will understand if you talk to them and seek help.
The problem will come if you don’t and things escalate at night but I’m sure you’re aware of that and don’t need me to point it out.
I hope you find the help and support you need, I was lucky enough to have a health visitor who knew that something wasn’t right and really helped me. I hope someone does that for you but do reach out

You're getting a but of a hard time from others but I guess they've never been through such a challenging mental health issue.

Indeed. All the people posting about how sad and scary it is might want to consider keeping their judgement to themselves.

I’ve been there too OP, more than once, when I’ve been absolutely at the end of my tether. I think it happens to parents more often than you’d think.

I don’t believe you’re a danger to your child. But that doesn’t mean things don’t need to change - they do.

You need support. You’re obviously exhausted, mentally and physically. Do you have support? A partner? You need to sleep and you need to tackle your depression. Sleep deprivation and depression absolutely destroy your sanity and your resilience.

My son n me have turned a corner but I'm in therapy now for pnd and his sleep is slightly better.
It's horrendous when your really suffering and I'm sorry op.
The gp, hv etc will help you. I had hallucinations when he was tiny as it got that bad n I told no one, I'd wish I'd got help earlier! Please look after yourself

I’m sorry things are so feeling so hard, OP. Support is available, a health care professional won’t judge you negatively for this, but they will try to get you the help you need.

Whether, or how long you breastfeed for is totally up to you, not anyone else. The same is true of your parenting style. What matters is your mental health and I think you need to reach out now for the help you deserve.

Sending hugs. Parenting is so hard, let alone with depression.

Op
It’s just a red flag 🚩 that you need MH help
What triggered me to start anti depressants wasn’t feeling shit , it was how shitty I was being with my kids

The fact you own what you did shows you are good
Mum , but get some help please

If you feel scared to see GP , remember than anger and not coping are a sign of depression

Not RTWT but sincerely hope No one has bashed you

And they won’t take him
Off . Trust me we have been through a social
Services investigation
They are not
Stupid , it’s
Scary but maybe that’s a good thing as it
Made
Me realise u
Couldn’t continue with my ex

A couple of times a week, go to sleep when he goes to sleep. Don't get up again till morning. Whatever the household chores are can wait. Just go to sleep with him. You need a rest.

You don't have to focus on him all day during the day. Break chores into small segments so you can get something done in the very limited 2 minutes he actually occupies himself for - that's two towels hung up or 2 mugs washed. Food is a handy enough thing to occupy them at that age.

Also go to your GP and ask if he's eating enough as he's still waking twice at night and you're exhausted from it and starting to not cope.

My DS didn't sleep through till he was over 2 but he'd have a feed about midnight and sleep till 7. Turned out he is gluten intolerant so he always had stomach pain and I did have to try and get his wind up well beyond the age that's normal. Starting solids made no difference, crawling made no difference, walking made no difference, types of food and quantities made no difference. Nightmare. Poor little fellow had a pain in his stomach every night. It's worth mentioning to your GP.