I've had mental health problems since I was a child, anxiety about fires and being robbed.
At 8 I was taken to CMHS because I developed a severe phobia of vomiting. I had countless appointments and support.
At 14 I was on medication, had an eating disorder, was raped and started self harmjng.
Between the ages of 14-34 I've made 5 attempts on my life, had CBT, CAT, EMDR, counselling, hypnotherapy. I've had scores of medications. I self medicated with alcohol for a bit. I got into a toxic relationship.
At 30 I was the most stable I've ever been, holding down a job for the first time, then met my ex and i helped him through his mental health. I had an abortion because he couldn't cope. Then he decided he wanted a child when I was 31 and we had our beautiful little boy.
Since he was born, I've barely lived. I have such intense OCD and anxiety. I'm terrified on an hourly basis of him or me being sick. I can't breathe, I don't eat properly, I'm self harming and I've made a suicide plan. My ex and I split because of my mental health. He's roped his whole friends and family into it and they all think I'm a manipulative shit who is set out to ruin his life. He's had to take days off work to look after our son because I am in such a state I can't function and he regularly tells me how much he hates me and I've ruined his life.
I can't stand it anymore. I have a CPN and I've tried speaking to them today. I phoned 111 and they told me to go to A&E but I can't go because of the fear of picking up a sickness bug. I have the worst headache and actually feel like I'm going to self combust with the pain and the agony of how bad I feel. My beautiful little boy is picking up on me, he's overwhelmed with me too. I am better off dead. My mum and friends can't really cope, they have their own shit to deal with. I can't keep getting my ex to help as he'll lose his job. I can't bear to be away from my child but I'm scared of him, and of me not being able to cope.
I don't want to die but I don't see any alternative. I'm a shell of a person. I'm obese, disgusting, unable to work, unable to live. I want to get better but I've had SO much support and nothing is changing. Nothing ever has.