I can't do it anymore

[NigesFakeWalkingStick]

I've had mental health problems since I was a child, anxiety about fires and being robbed.

At 8 I was taken to CMHS because I developed a severe phobia of vomiting. I had countless appointments and support.

At 14 I was on medication, had an eating disorder, was raped and started self harmjng.

Between the ages of 14-34 I've made 5 attempts on my life, had CBT, CAT, EMDR, counselling, hypnotherapy. I've had scores of medications. I self medicated with alcohol for a bit. I got into a toxic relationship.

At 30 I was the most stable I've ever been, holding down a job for the first time, then met my ex and i helped him through his mental health. I had an abortion because he couldn't cope. Then he decided he wanted a child when I was 31 and we had our beautiful little boy.

Since he was born, I've barely lived. I have such intense OCD and anxiety. I'm terrified on an hourly basis of him or me being sick. I can't breathe, I don't eat properly, I'm self harming and I've made a suicide plan. My ex and I split because of my mental health. He's roped his whole friends and family into it and they all think I'm a manipulative shit who is set out to ruin his life. He's had to take days off work to look after our son because I am in such a state I can't function and he regularly tells me how much he hates me and I've ruined his life.

I can't stand it anymore. I have a CPN and I've tried speaking to them today. I phoned 111 and they told me to go to A&E but I can't go because of the fear of picking up a sickness bug. I have the worst headache and actually feel like I'm going to self combust with the pain and the agony of how bad I feel. My beautiful little boy is picking up on me, he's overwhelmed with me too. I am better off dead. My mum and friends can't really cope, they have their own shit to deal with. I can't keep getting my ex to help as he'll lose his job. I can't bear to be away from my child but I'm scared of him, and of me not being able to cope.

I don't want to die but I don't see any alternative. I'm a shell of a person. I'm obese, disgusting, unable to work, unable to live. I want to get better but I've had SO much support and nothing is changing. Nothing ever has.

Anyone

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

Sending love and best wishes.

Go to A&E, you need help, it’s the only way to get it. You must go, it’s in the best interests of you and your child.

Didn't want to leave you on your own. Sorry to hear this. I am a CPN. Is there a reason you couldn't speak to your cpn today?

Please got to A&E. you can give the reception a piece of paper saying you need to see the mental health team and request a mental health room. They may or may not be able to offer the private room but it's worth asking if it'll help your anxiety. Tell the triage nurse how scared you are- ask for diazepam or propranolol as PRN if you need it.

When the team see you, you can show them this message. Or write a more detailed note on your phone if you want.

We're here to support while you wait- but please please go. There's always something they can offer.

Don’t go in asking for benzos straight away - worst advice ever.

PRN medication is designed for cases of severe distress. The OP meets that criteria.

Obviously it's best to communicate fully with mental health team which is why I have made other suggestions.

I think if she goes in and asks for “PRN diazepam” everything else she says will be drowned out by the HCP hearing “drug seeking”.

Let them decide the appropriate treatment.

I finally got hold of CPN and she came out to see me, which was then urgently referred to crisis team who asked me to go to the mental health specialist hospital (sorry I can't think of the better term right now) - unfortunately I have no childcare so I've got appointment 10:30 tomorrow.

I'm drugged up to the hilt with diazepam but safe for now. I've got regular calls from my ex checking in every 45 mins and if he can't get hold of me he's been asked to phone police who have put marker on the house. I won't do anything tonight as I have my beautiful boy asleep upstairs. I cuddled him for such a long time tonight.

Feel hopeless and empty and hungry but can't face eating. I just feel like I'm one of those people who are just unable to have a happy life and will affect my boy.

I am emetophobic. I so hear you. You can do this. It might not seem like it right now but you can. My boy is 14 and I've got through it, I'm still terrified sometimes but I have good drugs and I cope so much better. I am sending you all the hugs and good thoughts

@NigesFakeWalkingStick I hope you are ok today. Am thinking of you.

Hi op, is there anything you can do tonight to take your mind off things for a little while? Such as reading, a warm bath, adult colouring in etc. if you can't face eating a meal then try a cup of tea and something to nibble on like toast or crackers slowly.

I also suffer emetophobia and health anxiety which is in the OCD group and mild depression so I do understand how frightened you feel. Just keep your breathing slow and steady and try to avoid keeping your focus on yourself (what is that sensation, what does xyz mean) and instead focus on the external (those dishes need done, the dog needs fresh water, that could do with a lick of paint this week etc).

Medication and therapy are not cures, they're about learning to cope with the feelings and thoughts by letting them float on by.

Thank you for the replies.

I've had someone from the crisis team out to see me again today to see how I was doing. I have a medication review tomorrow - I suspect I may need a stronger medication to take the edge of the fight vs flight feeling I'm having at the moment and the adrenal fatigue I'm suffering from.

Today hasn't been too bad actually, I've enjoyed time with my son and have had little breaks here and there when my ex has taken over. When the man from the crisis team came my ex went to great lengths to describe the impact on him and was pretty disingenuous about how badly he treats me at times. The environment for my son is just toxic really at the moment, but I'm not strong enough to be able to do parenting on my own at the moment, plus I have nowhere to go and my ex isn't strictly abusive as such, just talks to me dreadfully when my mood plummets and I'm anxious. I do know however if I was at my Mums or living with someone else I probably would be in this predicament because without wanting to lay blame at someone else's door (my mental health is purely my own creation) my ex certainly has made my life difficult. However, I do love him, and I know he's loves me, and just wants me to get better.

Sending you gentle hugs xx

I also suffer with a severe fear of vomiting. I googled it and it's called emetophobia, which gave me comfort knowing that I wasn't the only one with what I thought was a ridiculous fear.

I thought I was going crazy, suffered horrendous anxiety attacks, didn't want to go to sleep incase I woke up and was sick. I even kept my daughter off school for a week when she was in reception because there was a tummy bug going round her year.

I hated going on holiday incase I was poorly, would only eat 'safe' foods that couldn't make me ill when I went out. Didn't really enjoy being out incase I was poorly and that is where I would suffer panic attacks.

I also ended up on diazepam just to calm me.

There is light at the end of the tunnel though, I promise you. I know you've had CBT but give it another go, face to face and don't put pressure on yourself. I didn't enjoy having it, in fact saying my fear out loud made me sound totally irrational. I wouldn't say I am cured, I still have a total fear, BUT, I now manage it, don't ask me how, it was just a natural progression from CBT, like something just switched in my brain.

I'm now anxious any more, if I wake in the night I don't panic that I'm going to be sick. Infact, recently I did wake and thought I was going to be sick, I calmly got up, tied my hair back and waited but it passed and I went back to bed.

You can do this OP, if I can, you can. Keep talking and if you want to message me then I'll happily be there for you xx