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Original poster

I want to die

39 replies

Chocolatethief · 02/01/2020 02:07

I cant cope with my thoughts are to much I have so much going on there is an ongoing police case about something that happened when I was a child and my grandad has terminal cancer I just want it all to be over. I dont even have anyone to turn to my friend so being really off with me and i dont know why but is fine with everyone else

OP posts:
DramaAlpaca · 02/01/2020 02:09

Handhold here Flowers

You poor thing, you've got a lot going on. It sounds really tough.

Talk to us here if you like, there's always someone around during the night.

Original poster
Chocolatethief · 02/01/2020 02:11

I dont want to deal with it anymore I want it all to go away and the only way to do that is to die, I know its selfish considering my grandad but I cant deal with it and I dont want to watch him get more ill

OP posts:
DaddyPigHasASexyVoice · 02/01/2020 02:12

We’re all here to listen if you’d like to talk.

I’m sending you lots of love and I sincerely hope that things get better for you in 2020.

DramaAlpaca · 02/01/2020 02:13

Grandads are special aren't they? I remember losing mine, I was 18. It was awful, we were very close. Can you spend time with him?

vdbfamily · 02/01/2020 02:13

I am so sorry you are feeling like this. Life sounds very hard for you at the moment. Is there anyone you can talk to about it? Any family who also love your granddad and can talk about that? Why don't you phone the Samaritans helpline and just talk it through. I am about to sleep but will pray that you feel some peace tonight. I don't know you but I am a Christian and I do believe that God can fill us with his peace in very difficult circumstances.

DocusDiplo · 02/01/2020 02:15

Could you send your friend a message asking if everything is ok? Otherwise just let them go - no point wasting headspace on unkind people.

Sorry your grandfather is unwell,that's really difficult. You're going to be so much stronger when you come out the other side of this difficult court case. Hang in there. X

Original poster
Chocolatethief · 02/01/2020 02:18

I spent christmas with him but it was hard we went for a walk together and he was struggling with it even though it was a small walk it's so hard. I don't find samaritans helpful and no one can help me anyway no one can make this go away and no there isn't anyone I can talk to family/friends why my only friend is being off with me and my family dont agree with the police case they think it's a waste of police time

OP posts:
DramaAlpaca · 02/01/2020 02:19

OK, maybe a daft thought, but it's helping lots of MNers atm. I'm sorry I can't link, but there's a wonderful thread in MN Classics, it's called 'It's one o clock in the morning...'

You can park your worries there, anything you want, and others will look after them for you while you get some sleep. It works, I did it the other night. You don't need to spell things out unless you want to of course, but there are people on there who don't know you, but they care.

Original poster
Chocolatethief · 02/01/2020 02:20

I asked her yesterday, I spent new year eves with her as she was being off with me she said she was just feeling grumpy but when we went to her neighbour's (who doesn't really like me) she was perfectly fine with her but still off with me and when we went back to hers she was back in her mood with me. I just want to end everything

OP posts:
Whowantstogotothepark · 02/01/2020 02:20

Another one saying that we hear you. Are you alone in the middle of the night? That is when things seem their worst.

Can you do something to try to distract your thoughts? Go for a walk? Listen to a podcast? Put a really silly comedy on youtube?

Everyone is different for their own ways of getting through. I just try to remember that unbearable as it may seem, in the future there will be a day when things will be better.

Sorry about your grandad. When my dad died of cancer, the only thing we could only do was to be there for him so that he had family. Can you concentrate on trying to help him feel comforted in the time he has left?

TheSparklyPussycat · 02/01/2020 02:25

Hi there. These thoughts are your brain trying to solve problems which are not in your control.

I find it helps to realise that there are times when external circumstances are such that nothing will change for a time (even if it's just a short time). eg if you have to ring a solicitor, then you can't ring tonight. Or if it's Friday night, then you can't ring till Monday. Which takes the pressure off worrying about that particular thing for a bit.

And sometimes there is nothing to do about a problem until someone else has acted eg if you are awaiting a phone call or a letter. No point in trying to second guess what they might say, I managed to stop those thoughts by an effort of will, not sure how, since effort of will is usually not much help with other things in my life.

Sending a gentle hug and an invitation to share a cuppa Brew Brew

Original poster
Chocolatethief · 02/01/2020 02:32

I have tried the whole just not thinking about stuff but I can I have anxiety which makes it worse i cant stop overthinking and the tools they give you might work for something's but isn't doing for what I currently have going on

OP posts:
DeeCeeCherry · 02/01/2020 02:37

That's lovely, you going for a walk with your grandad. Sounds like he wants your company & you are a comfort to him.

I lost my grandad many years ago. I still remember him. I'm really glad we spent time together before he passed away. I treasure those memories.

Reach out to whoever you can. & keep talking here. I lost my brother too, and Mumsnet was a great help to me at that low point in my life. Its the small hours of the morning that are the worst, isn't it? Thoughts come crowding in.

Keep talking. Get all your thoughts & anxiety out here.

TheSparklyPussycat · 02/01/2020 03:12

I'm not suggesting all these thoughts can be stopped by an effort of will. Only that the two strategies I've outlined helped me by chipping away at some of my trains of thought. Another one that helped was to set aside 30 minutes each day to devote to serious worrying.

MNHQ
LilyMumsnet · 02/01/2020 09:52

Hello OP, we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.

You can also go to the Samaritans website or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

DocusDiplo · 03/01/2020 13:05

Hey OP. How are you now?????

Gonewiththemadness · 03/01/2020 20:45

Hi @Chocolatethief, are you the lady that had her hair done beautifully at the hairdressers earlier in the year? (September time?) if not then apologies and I hope you are feeling better now and am here with a listening ear if you need to talk.
If so then hello 👋 nice to speak to you again! (We chatted quite a bit back then but I have since changed my username) and sorry to see that you’re feeling low again FlowersBrew here to listen again if you want to talk Smile

Original poster
Chocolatethief · 03/01/2020 20:58

Yeah that's me, was doing better then but gone right downhill again, spoke to my care co today who was no help and said nothing could be done and I just have to ride it out, carers yesterday were really worried so rang 111 but the paramedics rang and said it's the wrong thing to do and to speak to my care co who said she couldn't understand me as I was so upset. Cancelled carers today as I didn't want to worry her again or have her ringing people as no one cares. Feel so lost as to what to do, thoughts are so bad and I'm trying my hardest but feel like I'm losing the battle

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FTMF30 · 03/01/2020 21:11

Didn't want to read and leave. I don't have much advice but I'm sure youre much stronger than you think.

I have had some very low times in my life and it felt as though time stood still. I wasn't suicidal but I really didn't care if I died at any given moment. The struggle of living felt so hard. In the middle of the night, 5 mins can feel like 5 hours. Bit rest assured, time does pass. People can get through lowest situations. I know this because I am a living example. There were times when I could barely breathe from the pain of it all. But I'm still here and so are you.

It really helps to talk/write. Short term distractions help too. What type of films are you into? Maybe we can recommend some.

Gonewiththemadness · 03/01/2020 21:56

I thought it was, hello! 👋
How are you doing today/this evening?
I remember you were doing some gardening back in September with a friend at the same time as I was doing mine, my garden came to a dramatic halt soon afterwards, compost gone to pot and in need of salvation and will have allot of work to do in the spring!
Have you been eating and sleeping well lately? Christmas and new year are a bugger aren’t they, it’s supposed to be a time where everything feels lovely but when you suffer with poor mental health it can feel so overwhelming and hard and you don’t even know why half of the time?!
Sorry to hear it’s been so bad again with the carers and 111. What is the new career like? I remember you saying you would have a new one and we’re worried about changing.
Do you have anything planned for the weekend?
Always here if you fancy a chat!

Gonewiththemadness · 03/01/2020 21:58

Carer not career, sorry!

Original poster
Chocolatethief · 03/01/2020 22:53

Not doing good tonight thoughts are really bad trying to figure out what the best thing to do is, feel so angry at myself for feeling suicidal when my grandad has terminal cancer how dare I want to die when he is and has no choice.

Not got a new one yet my carer is due to leave end of feb but I'm hoping I will have the one I had yesterday on them days as it's my long visit and when its lots of different ones it's hard for me. Not seen my friend for a few days as she seemed to be pissed off with me last time I saw her but dont have the energy to care about it. Sleeping a lot better no if anything to much slept for 12 hours today but eating isn't going great.

OP posts:
cakeandchampagne · 04/01/2020 00:17

Hi! I remember you. Flowers
Sorry things are rough. I hope you get the carer you want.
Have you eaten a bit of something?

Gonewiththemadness · 04/01/2020 00:52

I wish I had all the answers for you but I don’t unfortunately. All I can offer is my experience and advice. (Hopefully it’s not too much!)
I would say the best thing to do is just to be. Whether that feels good or bad or absolutely unbearable right now just allow the feelings because I have learnt that that is what they are, just feelings and thoughts, not reality.
I understand the anger but you can’t help the way that you feel at the moment and it’s ok to feel like you want a way out but maybe you just want the pain to stop which is completely understandable, things sound difficult.
I’m really sorry to hear about your grandad Flowers, he is lucky to have you around to spend time with and go for nice walks with!
It sounds overwhelming having different people come in and out, I hope you get the person you like and feel comfortable with. I expect it will cause some anxiety leading up to the change, have you spoken to them about that?
Sorry your friend seemed off with you too. When I’ve felt really low before I’ve often felt like people are off with me when maybe they’re not or at least not to the degree I think they are and maybe that’s not the case for you so sorry if I’m talking rubbish! Sometimes people are (excuse my french... no idea why it’s french?!) just assholes though and they need time to get over whatever it might be if they won’t talk about it but whatever the case I hope you get things back on track with her soon!
I don’t know what to suggest for the sleep, maybe just a little something planned every day to set an alarm and be awake for. Maybe some art, a walk, a bit of cooking or whatever else you like even if it’s the only thing you do all day!
When you say not good with the eating do you mean not eating much? I know when I was severely deprived of the nutrients my body needed my mental health got a hell of a lot worse and when I was in that place I just couldn’t make the link properly but now it’s so clear. Even if you’re not enjoying it and even if it’s all pre-prepared stuff and you don’t have the energy to cook please try and get the minimum calorie requirement each day.

Original poster
Chocolatethief · 04/01/2020 02:45

Sorry but is anyone around my thoughts are getting even worse and I dont know how to stay safe right now, I've been trying my hardest but ots not enough and I just want an easy way out right now and I'm so close I'm trying to think about grandad but even thats to hard right now. I'm scared to ring the crisis team as they dont listen to me they dont care I have no where and no one to turn to

OP posts: