What happens when you reach out for help but no one’s interested?

[Lonelythisxmas]

I’ve suffered PND and low-level depression on and off for years.

I left my toxic marriage (which was making the problem worse) and am now much happier on my own with the kids. I have had medication (not currently) and plenty of counselling and I understand my triggers and know when I am spiralling into a depressive cycle. All good.

My biggest problem now is loneliness. On the weekends my kids are with their dad I am so lonely I sometimes just sit and cry for days. I have friends but they are all married and on the weekends they are spending time with their families. They don’t want me hanging around during their special family time.

I’ve tried getting on with chores etc and doing things by myself on the weekends but I know that the solution to how I feel is company. If I have people around me I instantly feel better. I have told numerous people that I am lonely and depressed at weekends. I told my mum that I often don’t see anyone for whole days at a time and I find it really hard—to the point that I sometimes feel like ending it. She never asks if I’d like to do something. I’ve also told my dad and stepmum this (they live away) but they never call me to ask if I’m ok.

I’ve also discreetly told friends, saying things like ‘I find the weekends really hard and lonely’. Still no one asks if I’d like to go out or come over. My best friend will sometimes text and ask if I’m ok, but doesn’t extend an invitation because she wants to spend time with her husband on the weekends.

There don’t seem to be any clubs or evening classes on weekends where I live, and I’m not up to meeting strangers anyway. I want my friends and family to step up!

We talk a lot about getting help with mental health, but I have asked for help and no one is listening.

(btw, I don’t need to see a GP as medicalisation isn’t the answer here—I have a lot of experience with that and am past that stage. I just need some support from friends and family!)

Bumping please

I know that it can be hard to reach out, but it can also sometimes be hard to offer help. If someone tells you that they're feeling needy but not actually in crisis, then unless you're feeling in a strong place with mental energy to spare, it's easy to back off a bit at that point.

Because you're looking for company, rather than tell people you're feeling sad and lonely, can you actually invite someone to do something fun with you? Something that benefits them as well as you?

I'm sorry people are being useless for you!
It can be a generation thing for parents. My Mum firmly believes mental health doesn't exist.
What about a volunteer role. Retirement home, food bank, soup kitchen... They will operate all the time and often welcome help. It's a temporary fix and I think you would rather it be the friends you have reached out too... But plenty of lonely people in retirement homes would welcome a book being read, an outside conversation or a game of something.

Hi OP sorry to hear you’re All alone at xmas. I know this sounds a cliche BUT volunteering at this time is a good way to meet people and to be around people, plus it’s also can help raise self esteem that you’re doing something to help others probably in the same situation as you.

My church for example, has been involved in preparing xmas food hampers for the poor and there’s been about 100 people at a time in the church hall. Everyday leading up to xmas wrapping gifts, jostling, laughing and supporting each other. It’s a great way to get out of the house for a few hours.

There might Be something like that near you you can join in. Sometimes finding company involves making a concerted effort to get out. We’re all used to it just happening organically but sometimes it doesn’t.

Prob not what you want to hear but you need new friends who do appreciate you. Make yourself busy with a new exciting life and sod them. Even your family who can't be bothered to call.

There must be some kind of new hobby that would offer you opportunities (and company) you crave?

If there are no clubs, set one up on Meetup.com.

You will find someone again, if that is what you want, but in the meantime there is lots to enjoy about having weekends to yourself.

A lot of organisations that you might think could help,in reality just refer you on or can send you leaflets. Someone mentioned church. Coincidentally i was just looking for local churches for a potential midnight mass outing. Im not really religious mind you !

Looking on the local church website i was amazed at how many activities they have,coffee mornings, socials, choir (even for non singers) ,mother n toddler groups etc etc lots of stuff,and you dont have to be churchy.

@Lonelythisxmas I could have written your post and if you’re similar the last thing you want or have the energy to do is join clubs or meet new people. I hope you’re ok.

It’s pretty shite and in my case if my friends lives get difficult they have no trouble leaning on me until it’s better and then bugger off again. I’m going to make the effort next year to try and change things and get out I hope you can to. X

I can get quite lonely too and I feel my friends have their own lives that seem to involve being busy at the weekends.

A couple of things I've done. Discovered a board game cafe that does social events every weekend. You turn up and pay a few quid and get put into groups with random people. I've made lots of friends there and really look forward to it.
I joined a hiking/walking group. I go on the easier ones but find they take most of my day are fab for chatting. I feel fab after exercise and I also sleep much better that evening.

Massive good luck in finding something that suits you. It can be terribly lonely at times.

This is just how it is, OP. It’s shit, I know.

Ok- this might come across as harsh but please bear with me as I dont mean it to sound that way.
I get exactly how you're feeling. However, telling people you are lonely, and thinking of ending it all and feel generally hopeless is not a good way to encourage people to spend time with you. Firstly, its daunting for people to hear that. I'm not suggesting for one second that you lie or anything but the general public really dont know what to say to people who are expressing suicidal ideation, it feels frightening and scary and they get terrified they might say the wrong thing so its often easier to just say nothing. Dont get me wrong- I am NOT excusing them, your family should absolutely step up and help you- thats what families are for. All I'm saying is- when you start to view everything through a negative lens (which is what depression does to you), you dont realise just how distorting that lens is and others find it incredibly draining so its often easier to just stay away than to have to constantly reassure someone all the time.

What I would suggest is this: go and see your GP, explain how you feel and ask to be referred for talking therapy/counselling. There might be a wait so do it ASAP. Your friends/family are not therapists and they are not equipped to deal with issues such as feeling like ending it all. You need to speak with someone who is a mental health professional for that.

Once thats done- instead of focussing on how negative you feel- ask your family/friends to spend time with you because you want to hang out with them. Suggest some fun, nice things to do together. If you have nice plans, they are more likely to say yes because they'll feel like its a choice rather than an "obligation" because you feel so down.
I am not suggesting here you pretend to be happy when you aren't, more that you just bear in mind that people are more likely to want to hang out if they feel they'll have a nice time. When you tell people you are desperately lonely, it sounds needy and like you are relying on them for your own self esteem-which is actually quite intimidating and quite a responsibility for others.

In an ideal world, of course your family and friends should be there for you, I agree. but the fact is- most people have no idea or clue how to respond to people with depression - and if you are feeling very negative at the moment that can be pretty draining for others. Please dont think I am blaming you here- of course you can't help feeling down. All I'm saying is- seek out a professional to discuss your low mood as they really are the best equipped to help you in that regard. Focus on your family and friends for spending quality time together and enjoying each other's company. This two pronged approach is far more likely to help you. Good luck!

Thank you for your responses.
I think I just feel genuinely let down by the people around me. It strikes me that when someone ends their life often people say ‘I wish she’d asked for help’ but the reality is it really isn’t that easy to ask for help.
I agree with @beautifulstranger101 that people don’t want that at their door. It shows how shallow most people are and how little kindness there actually is in the world.
I’ve had a lot of counselling and it got expensive (not available on nhs where I live) and we were just going round in circles. The solution for me is good relationships - I know that - but the question is how do I find them?
I often think of asking people to do things on the weekend, but how do I text someone who has a family of five and ask if they want to go for a walk/out for Sunday lunch? There’s only one of me. It’s not as easy as it sounds.
I’m going to make an effort to invite people round more in the new year, although again I’m not sure how that will work out as people are busy with their families at weekends. I’ve tried joining Bumble for Friends, but how on Earth do you know whether you’ll get on with someone? It all feels so forced.

I have had a lot of rejection in my life and I know that the main reason I don’t ask people to do things is for fear of them saying no. I honestly don’t know how to get over that as I know that if I put myself out there and someone says no it will knock my confidence.

I’d also like to say that most people I know have no idea how I feel and no idea about my history of depression. When I’m with them I’m talkative and (I think) fun. I’ve only mentioned feeling lonely to a couple of people lately as an experiment, because I thought maybe people just don’t know that I want company.

I haven’t had my coffee yet, so sorry if it comes out garbled, but.
From where I am standing, it seems you’re feeling lonely and want company, but it has to be on your terms, in the sense that it has to match/fulfil your expectations/needs, or it won’t happen. And that’s not because you’re being a diva, it’s because you have a need for something and you’re trying to fix it with something else.

To heal yourself, to gain strength you/me/us need to reframe a bit.
I have exactly the same trauma as you do: I am afraid to be refused, it stems from childhood. It just makes me crumble inside.

To give you an example, the inner tube on my bike went. My exP, who was meant to love and help me, begrudgingly agreed to change it, but managed to have a few childish digs (why do I have to, I’ll do it later etc). I’m in my mid 40s, I can google, I can shove the bike in the back of the car to have it fixed, I could have sorted it myself. But I didn’t, I wanted him to make my life easier and show me he loves me. So I didn’t do it myself, but I showed I’m hurt and eventually he did, it took him 5 minutes.

The background story to this is: I am incredibly independent. He was hurt previously when I said I don’t need him, I want to be with him just because, not for all the help he can give me. He said he was feeling redundant, so I had to learn to rely on him, like in any normal loving relationship, show my vulnerabilities and ask for help.

When he played cat and mouse and procrastinated for days, my guards went up. Automatic reaction, I’ve been down that path before, my parents have done the same thing all their lives. It is incredibly hurtful. I did what became and instinct to me: I steeled. I’m very good at it.

But then I stopped and thought about it. He is not my parents, there’s a new dilemma, have I chosen, again, a partner like my father? Is it normal to expect help from your partner?

I explained to him: look, it’s childhood trauma, I trust you, I am showing vulnerability, help me heal, help me get to that point where you refusing to help is not personal, where my first thought isn’t: you’re under attack, but: he has other things he wants to do, he normally helps, this time is on me to have it fixed.

Basically, work on what triggers you.
HTH, hugs.

Have you posted on the right thread Buddha?

I think first of all, you actually have to ask people to do something with you. It sounds like you would like people to spend time with you, but aren't actually asking anyone to meet up. I think you need to specifically ask. Yes it's nice to be thought of, have others make the first move etc. But in reality people aren't like that.

Be brave, reach out to people. Send a blanket text message out today, saying you would really love to catch up with people over Xmas or over the weekend. I'm sure people will happily come along if you actually ask.

😂 I think I did, I was addressing the fear of rejection that seems to be preventing the OP from reaching out.
But then, I’ve only just had a sip of my coffee...

But I don’t think she fears being rejected as such. What she’s talking about in her OP is the fact that people don’t have time for her, which to be honest, is true. Try asking friends with partners and kids if you can see them at the weekend, or Christmas Day, or Easter weekend ...

I understand that your friends with families are not available much at weekends, as I used to be a few years ago and I rarely saw friends then.

There will be other single adults in your area who also want company, the trick is finding them.

Have you tried looking on Meetup? Or looking for a local walking group? They often have events at the weekend. There are parkruns on Saturday morning in lots of places, if you don't fancy running you could volunteer.

I know you said you don't really want new people but it might help a bit.

I agree with PPs that you need to ask people if they want to do something specific: walk, shopping trip, cinema visit, etc. But you should understand that people might struggle to join you for various reasons: money, time, health issues, they might have mental health issues themselves but reluctant to talk about it.
So eventually it’s about finding something to do for yourself and then people who’ll share this interest. It might be new people rather than old friends.

OP I've been there and I know it's shit.

But

By saying that medicalisation isn't the solution means that you are expecting people with no training to fix you. That's a hell of a responsibility and not (imo) what friendships are for.

She’s not saying that milk, she’s saying that she feels better when she’s around her mates

Have you tried making specific suggestions to your friends? E.g. "shall we go on a walk to X with the kids and then stop off at Y cafe"? I am single but have several friends with kids and often they are happy to meet up at weekends, they just don't necessarily have the brain space to make a plan and think of inviting me. But if I do the thinking and planning they are often very glad to accept!

she’s saying that she feels better when she’s around her mates

Which is relying on other people to fix the problem. Lots of people are extrovert and get their energy from other people but don't spend days crying if they're on their own for a bit. That's what OP needs to sort. Then she'll be in a position to have more equal friendships and be able to slowly drop any medical assistance.

No, milk, it’s being a normal person who gets a bit down after 72 hours have passed without speaking to others.

This extrovert / introvert thing is so bloody tiresome.

OP- I think you slightly misinterpreted what I was saying.
I wasn't saying people are generally heartless and dont care. I was saying that telling people you feel lonely and like ending your life is difficult for people to "fix"and doesnt encourage them to spend time with you. Think of this way- which of these two people would you prefer to hang out with by choice (and be honest):

1. "Hi Sarah, are you around this weekend? I'm feeling really low and struggling at the moment. I'm so lonely and I'm wondering what the point of it all is. I just feel so lonely- could we meet up? I just need to be around someone"

1. "Hi Sarah, I haven't seen you for ages! How are you? Do you fancy meeting up this weekend? how about we meet in that coffee shop round the corner from you- say, 2pm this Sat? I'd love to have a catch up and see how your business is going. I've been a bit low this week but a catch up would really blow the cobwebs away- let me know x"

You said in your OP that you ARE telling people you feel lonely and like there's no point to anything. The first one comes across as needy and draining, the second one comes across much more balanced and friendly. People might still go for the first option, but it would feel more like an obligation or duty rather than a genuine desire to connect as friends.
Again, I'm NOT saying you can't tell people when you are struggling, I am saying, make the conversation more balanced- friendships are based on give and take, not one person "needing" the other all the time to make them feel better about themselves. That is what a mental health counsellor is for.