What happens when you reach out for help but no one’s interested?

[Lonelythisxmas]

I’ve suffered PND and low-level depression on and off for years.

I left my toxic marriage (which was making the problem worse) and am now much happier on my own with the kids. I have had medication (not currently) and plenty of counselling and I understand my triggers and know when I am spiralling into a depressive cycle. All good.

My biggest problem now is loneliness. On the weekends my kids are with their dad I am so lonely I sometimes just sit and cry for days. I have friends but they are all married and on the weekends they are spending time with their families. They don’t want me hanging around during their special family time.

I’ve tried getting on with chores etc and doing things by myself on the weekends but I know that the solution to how I feel is company. If I have people around me I instantly feel better. I have told numerous people that I am lonely and depressed at weekends. I told my mum that I often don’t see anyone for whole days at a time and I find it really hard—to the point that I sometimes feel like ending it. She never asks if I’d like to do something. I’ve also told my dad and stepmum this (they live away) but they never call me to ask if I’m ok.

I’ve also discreetly told friends, saying things like ‘I find the weekends really hard and lonely’. Still no one asks if I’d like to go out or come over. My best friend will sometimes text and ask if I’m ok, but doesn’t extend an invitation because she wants to spend time with her husband on the weekends.

There don’t seem to be any clubs or evening classes on weekends where I live, and I’m not up to meeting strangers anyway. I want my friends and family to step up!

We talk a lot about getting help with mental health, but I have asked for help and no one is listening.

(btw, I don’t need to see a GP as medicalisation isn’t the answer here—I have a lot of experience with that and am past that stage. I just need some support from friends and family!)

Pinecone, I would beg to differ but then apparently I’m 96% introvert! 😂

OP, I think your own family are a bit shit really not to do more things with you at the weekend. Friends are a bit different I think. If they’re working all week, kids at school and clubs, other half working away etc then family time DOES feel precious. Time with family at home is where lots of introverts get their energy from, despite what pinecone says. I can be myself whereas with friends and some extended family members it’s not quite so relaxed.

do you invite your extended family over to yours for a takeaway etc? Your OP just mentions that your mum etc doesn’t call you to ask if you want to do something. What’s stopping you inviting her? And others?

Sometimes people just bumble along sticking with their usual weekend routine of housework, shopping, TV watchkng and assume others are doing the same. They are happy just being alongside others in the same house and forget that others are rattling round at home alone.

I would call my mum and say “you in this afternoon? I’ve made a cake and will come round for a cuppa.” Could you do that or do they actively tell you they’ll be out etc every time you ask?

@pineconeupyourarse wow, that’s so fucking condescending to ask someone if they posted on the right thread. Maybe you need to take a minute to process someone else’s viewpoint, if you can’t comprehend

It's a sad business, LonelythisChristmas, heartbreaking to think of you crying at weekends on your own. Mental health problems are Hell. Those with no experience of them really don't understand unless they are particularly insightful and empathetic. Plus they have their own lives and families.

Not everyone is the same, there are some of us who can't be being around people very much (I'm a bit like that a lot of the time, prefer my own company).

As you know there is no quick fix and I'm not going to offer advice as not qualified to do so. Others have made some suggestions for you to think about.

Another problem is that depression depletes energy so even if you would like to do something, you may not feel well enough.

I hope coming on here, talking to fellow mumsnetters, will be of some help to you. Not the same as being with people in the flesh but it is something of a safety valve and you can express yourself freely - at least one would hope you are allowed to!

There may be other forums for people with similar problems who give eachother support. Playing online games can be quite stimulating and enjoyable (if you like them).

If you google your town/village you'll probably find a website with a message board where people chat and you find out what's going on locally.

Good television drama series, radio talk shows and sleep help.

I hope you get together with people soon, take care of yourself.

oh, also google meetup.com
Its not a dating site, you put in your area and your interests and it will show you all the groups and activities going on in your area based on the interests you put in. Many times you can message the person who runs the group and they can be extra welcoming to you when you first go. Great way to meet people in your area with similar interests - first step to making more friends!

It wasn’t intended condescendingly. I honestly couldn’t work out where bike tyres came into what the OP was explaining.

Why are your DC with their father every weekend? That’s not usual, will have big drawbacks when DC are of nursery/school age and doesn’t sound like this works well for you. can it be changed?

@MilkTwoSugarsThanks I’m no expecting anyone to fix me. I am actually well most of the time, but one of the things that keeps me well is being around other people. I just can’t seem to get people to do that!

I’ve tried meetup, but there’s not that much going on in my area apart from walking groups where everyone looks in the their sixties (I’m only mid-thirties).

If I had more confidence I can think of loads of things I would suggest to people, but fear (and fear of rejection) gets in the way. Here’s a typical thought pattern:

‘I could ask people if they want to go for a walk and then back here for bacon sandwiches on New Year’s Day.’
‘But what time? Is 11 too early? 12 would be too late as then it would be lunchtime.’
‘My house is tiny. How will I have space for everyone and their kids? It’ll be chaos.’
‘People have probably already made plans.’
‘How do I explain it’s open to families and not just mums? Will people want to bring their husbands as I haven’t got one?’
‘What if no one comes?’
‘What if we plan it and then it pours with rain?’

Etc etc... Am I the only one who thinks like this? I seem to make everything into a massive deal and it drives me crazy.

I’ve thought of starting a book club, or a single parents group and loads of other things. But I’m too scared.

@Dozer Sorry- to be clear - my kids are only with their dad every other weekend and one night in the week.

Am I the only one who thinks like this? I seem to make everything into a massive deal and it drives me crazy

You aren't the only one, but please recognise that this is a cognitive distortion. You are self sabotaging by your thoughts. I think CBT would be really helpful for you- lots of books about it on amazon.

Your thoughts are causing a negative spiral which is affecting your behaviour which then causes negative emotions which then causes more negative thoughts- its a vicious cycle that you need to break in order to get over this. Let the thoughts come, but dont adjust your behaviour- do it anyway. Courage isn't the absence of fear- its having fear but doing it anyway. The more little things you do to challenge those unhelpful thoughts, the more you will break out of this cycle.

This extrovert / introvert thing is so bloody tiresome.

Don't confuse extrovert/introvert with sociable/unsociable. If you get your energy from other people (as OP clearly does) you're an extrovert.

OP, I know you don't think medicalisation is the answer but I think you would benefit massively from CBT.

I wouldn't make very big plans at first, it's a bit all or nothing, and more likely for people not to be able to make it.

For your New Year plan, are your children at home? I'd send a text to one (or maybe two) families saying:

"Hi X, hope you've had a great Christmas! I fancied blowing the cobwebs away a bit and we were thinking of going for a morning walk at x on New Year's Day. Would you, husband and children like to come? Happy to have you all back for bacon sandwiches afterwards too — it would be nice to hear what you've been up to over Christmas."

You can also be a bit clever with it— who do you know who works, or has local family, or is going away but will be back? Pick people who are likely to be about.

Yes, you need to start tackling that unhelpful inner monologue and initiating social events. Just a few nice casual local meetups should do wonders for your mood and will then make everything else easier.

Recognise those thought processes, and do better when I issue invitations anyway! If people decline, try not to over think that, and try another time.

OK, so you have every other weekend alone. Any friends to visit elsewhere?

If you enioy walking, wouldn’t rule out doing that with an older crowd. I attend a group exercise class with mainly older women and really enjoy the chat there.

The realisation that most people are very self-centred and not THAT interested in you, is a harsh and quite unpleasant awakening.

OP, I know you don't think medicalisation is the answer but I think you would benefit massively from CBT.

CBT is not the answer to loneliness; it's the medicalisation of a perfectly normal reaction to, well, loneliness. The OP needs to find ways to build new friendships, not ways to make her tolerate sitting at home alone. She isn't asking other people to 'fix her', she saying that she would like to have friends and a social life, which are reasonable and healthy things to want.

OP, don't dismiss groups because the members seem to be older than you. They might not be typical - other members may be closer to your age - and even if they are all older, they could still be good company. Plus, once you've got to know people in one group, you'll find they have info about other local activities that you might like to get involved in.

I have been in a similar position (on my own for extended periods of time while kids staying with exh). I knew I needed to be around people too. I joined a community gym and for the first time in my life in my mid 40s started going to group exercise classes. It gave me somewhere to be at certain times and it would take up a few hours. If you go to the same class on set days/times you will see the same people. It takes a while but I have made a few friends. Even if I turn up and don't know anyone you have the benefit of feel good endorphins from the exercise and a sense of accomplishment. It is great to feel part of a group and much cheaper than therapy. There is an increasing amount of research that supports the use of exercise (and
group exercise) as a preventative measure for mild to moderate depression. Now I do not dread empty weekends, I just get myself out of the house and connect with people through exercise. If for whatever reason I miss a week or two I really notice the difference in my mood and get back into the group classes asap

CBT is not the answer to loneliness

Noone suggested CBT was for loneliness.

This is what the CBT would be for:

*If I had more confidence I can think of loads of things I would suggest to people, but fear (and fear of rejection) gets in the way. Here’s a typical thought pattern:

‘I could ask people if they want to go for a walk and then back here for bacon sandwiches on New Year’s Day.’
‘But what time? Is 11 too early? 12 would be too late as then it would be lunchtime.’
‘My house is tiny. How will I have space for everyone and their kids? It’ll be chaos.’
‘People have probably already made plans.’
‘How do I explain it’s open to families and not just mums? Will people want to bring their husbands as I haven’t got one?’
‘What if no one comes?’
‘What if we plan it and then it pours with rain?’

Etc etc... Am I the only one who thinks like this? I seem to make everything into a massive deal and it drives me crazy*

The OP is saying that her thought patterns are causing her to obsess and fret over her social interactions with people which is CAUSING her to struggle to make friends, and making her feel isolated. That is exactly what CBT is for- for reducing negative thought patterns and effecting change within one's own behaviour. When OP is feeling more confident, she will have the tools to make friends more easily and to socialise which in turn, will reduce loneliness.

I think one of the problems is that I’m unapproachable. Because I’m terrified of being rejected I give off a ‘don’t talk to me’ vibe. I do go to one exercise class and have been going for nearly 4 years but in that whole time one has ever spoken to me after the class (except for one man and that was to ask me out).
What if I join a group and no one chats to me? I guess it would still kill time, but it wouldn’t solve the loneliness problem.

Thanks for the suggestions of CBT. Maybe it would help, but I think the best solution is for something to give me some confidence. People talking to me or inviting me or otherwise showing that I’m likeable and good company would do that.

Yes, social anxiety can be absolutely crippling. I said this on another thread to someone in a similar situation and I think it would help you too:

OP- this will take time and it wont happen overnight. Baby steps.
Start with very low pressure situations like you local newsagents. Go in, buy a paper and say hello to the person behind the counter. Thats it. You achieved your goal.
Next time, say hello, comment on the weather. Thats it. You achieved your goal.
Next time, say hello, comment on the weather and ask if they've been busy that day... and so on.
Jumping straight into in depth conversations about your private life is too much and it will bring on your fight or flight mode (eg physical anxiety). Start very very small- little tiny bits of conversation whilst you are waiting for a bus or in the supermarket etc

Each day try to push your comfort zone a millimetre wider. If one day you can't manage it, it's ok. Just try again the next day. But keep at it- if you do a tiny bit every day I guarantee the more comfortable you will feel and it will feel like you're making real progress.

I think practicing this daily will lessen the anxiety over time and definitely look into CBT. Good luck!

Lonelythisxmas where are you that there's only walking groups? Sounds like where I live. I entirely relate to your issue here, OP. I have ASD and have been quite lonely for much of my life. I am quite sociable and know the limitations of my weird brain, but I've been treated so poorly in the past that I find it hard to make friends and keep them. I also just have me to organise so I let people with kids etc alone in case I'm annoying them, or they're too busy. Vicious cycle, I think. No solution but if you're in my area, I'll meet you for a coffee (same age bracket as you, in a town of OAPs!)

CBT is not the answer to loneliness; it's the medicalisation of a perfectly normal reaction to, well, loneliness. The OP needs to find ways to build new friendships, not ways to make her tolerate sitting at home alone. She isn't asking other people to 'fix her'

But this is exactly what OP is doing. She implies that all her problems would be fixed if only people would approach her. But then admits that she gives off a standoffish vibe and doesn’t approach anyone herself! CBT would be about training yourself out of that way of thinking, OP. Of changing your own reactions to situations so that your natural instincts, thoughts and behaviour become different to what they are. As a result, there will be more openings in your life for small talk and deeper conversations with others, which would lead on to other things

I would definitely be grabbing at walking groups even if the people are older, for two reasons. One: older people will have you get relatives your age and once hearing that you joined because you’re on your own every other weekend may well get to know you and invite you to social events where there WILLbe other younger people in your position. Or they may know someone who they think you’d really get on well with etc.

And 2: once there is a younger person in the group, it will no longer be seen as just a group for older people, and will encourage others your age to join.

You just need to try these things, give them a good go. Don’t just turn up for one session and say “it was useless” or “not for me.”