Any positive stories?

[ann12]

Hallo

I was wondering if anyone had any positive stories about having anxiety for a long time and getting over it? I go all up and down, and sometimes go for weeks all calm, and then start freaking out again, and have been in CBT therapy for 6 months, but not sure if it's really doing me any good as I've just moved house and totally lost the plot again. And sometimes I wonder if I'll ever get over this and sometimes it's hard to be positive about the future, and I think I'm going to be battling this forever. And it's exhausting and demoralising.

So I was wondering if anyone had managed to get over it all, to give me some inspiration? That would be lovely.

X

I agree with squeaky bub, exercise in moderation helped me a great deal, and I think taking it easy on yourself as you've just moved house that is one of the most stressful things that can occur and it is normal to feel a bit unsteady following this. CBT therapy for 6 months is a relatively short period of time but it does work, it is still early days, maybe during this time it may be helpful to see your therapist more often perhaps twice a week for a few weeks till you feel more settled

wow squeeaky. how did you reconcile yourself to it? i mean, did you get over it easily? i beat myself up so much for having to be on pills and not like everyone else and finding it so hard to cope.

i'm exercising everyday. it's just another thing i have to do, and another pressure on my time. most of the time i think it helps, but some days i feel awful. like today. just had to run out of the office with my heart racing, thinking i'm never going to get better, and crying in the street.

and Ali, did you have CBT?

Ann12, what meds are you taking? I find the whole anxiety thing crippling actually, but citilopram have helped me immensly, im their biggest fan, after being on them just over two weeks.

I cant offer you any advice really, just a virtual cuddle and empathy really. How do you find the CBT? im considering forking out for it as i cant get it on the NHS locally.

Dont beat yourself up over needed the pills, you are a brave person for facing up to your fears and trying different approaches for combating them.

Hi Lucy's Mum

I'm taking citalopram. I was pretty much off them as I'd really like to have another baby, but then I moved house and pathetically went right back down again. So I'm back on them again.

Previously I took 30mg for quite a bit, and felt normal and fine. I'm now back on 20mg. I'm so sad, I was doing so well, and now feel a slave to them.

If it weren't for the fact that I wanted to have another baby, I think I'd just stay on them! But the whole guilt trip you're given by people, saying you could sort it all out in your head, makes me feel really bad and weak.

I just look at all other working mums and think they're all coping, and my husband gets really frustrated, and I feel trapped and hopeless!

CBT has helped to an extent, but I think I should feel better by now, not worse than I did before I started! I think it's the frustration that I still can't 'get it' and am getting it wrong, coz otherwise I'd be better.

Anyway, yawn yawn blah blah. It's all so boring!

X

ann, bugger what other people think, you are definately not weak. I couldnt even begin to think about getting a job so the fact you are holding a job down on top of everything else is amazing if you ask me. I wonder if, apart from the upheaval of the move, the messing with the dosage of your pills has caused an upset, as i think that citilopram can make you feel shittier when you first take them. Maybe it might be worth a trip to your GP to discuss some alternatives, also, are there any ADs out there, specifically SSRIs that are safe to take during pregnancy? Might be worth mentioning, i think citilopram is the drug of choice just now partly because its one of the cheaper options, so there may be something more suitable for you, you might just have to push for it.

i look at the other mums too, and i think, hmmm, why cant i be like you, but like i suspect you do, i hide my condition pretty well, people would be stunned if they knew, i bet you appear the same too.

Ann don't beat yourself up!

hands up to all women like you who are doing it all, work/home/children/husband and if there is a little energy left maybe a good old guilt trip how you are not doing any of it properly?
FGS give yourself some credit for what you do and a break about the rest.

I'm am personally anti medication. exercise, yoga and introspection are my thing ( and a good bordeaux ). But if you need medication take it.

from what i see around me, getting better depends on so many things: circumstances of life..........but the mindframe plays a great role.
We all have to learn to let go of those little parasite things that clutter our daily lives and rejoice about those that are meaningfull.
A therapist can give you little exercises to help.

I think a little dose of spirituality also helps. Am not at all religious but I feel this is smthg that can give strenght. I can see myself shifting slowly towards smthg in years to come.
Just walking in open space on your own for 1 hour a week can help. Breathe and look around you and breath and think positive things.Create a space for calm and contentment to retreat to.
I know this sounds very corny but in modern life, we have to force ourselves to get back to basics to stop the mind from spinning like that!

Give yourself space and encourage those you love and worry about to be more independant.

take care of yourself, because nobody else will, they are too busy expecting you to take care of them.

Hi Ann12, I consider myself completely over my depression now so shall share my story.
Whe I was at University I spent about 2 years going through bouts of not leaving the house and 'can't be arsed with it all'ness. The catalyst was a fight I witnessed and had to give evidence to the police about. 2 days after that I found a new place to live on my own (I had been sharing with 4 other girls) and basically barely left the flat for about 6 weeks. My DP lived 300 miles away at that point and only visited once for 2 days so he didn't really notice me not going out. My friends came round and didn't realise anything was up, I did my shopping once a week at the 24 hour tesco's in the middle of the night so it was quiet and got taxis there and back.
I spent all day and night in bed with the telly on occasionally venturing to the kitchen for some toast. I would have quie severe panic attacks at the thought of having to leave the house and would have to be very drunk to be able to go to the shops.
The taxi firm (that I used ot work for ) eventually clicked and one of the drivers insisted on taking me to the GP, I just broke down in front of him and he put me on AD's
I was on them for nearly a year, during this time I finished my degree (having not turned up for weeks....)my DP (now DH) insisted I moved to live with him as I had nothing where I was and now 6 years later I feel I am on top of it .
I do have a few throwbacks such as I still can't go near large crowds of people in the street or elsewhere, and crowded loud pubs make me a little nervous but I know how to deal with it (I either stand near a door or window plus most of my friends know so are okay if I leave for a bit), and I tell myself that other people have much worse fears that they live with.

Moving house was a big change for me, at first it was terrifying as I had no 'escape routes' and didn't know the city at all but eventually I saw it as a new start and I love it here now as I associate this city with feeling better.
I didn't have counselling as such but I did use to ring the Samaritans when I was having a panic attack or if I was feeling really bad just for a chat which helped me a lot.

God, this has gone on for ages, but I wanted you to know that I didn't think I would ever feel like getting upa nd getting on with things, and after DD was born I had a couple of days like that but after talking it out with DH and the Samaritans again I realised that if I had to go back on AD's it wouldn't be a bad thing, and for some reason that helped me cope with it.
Good luck!

(Oh, and I always look at other mums and think they are so much better than me, but I think that is more a sign that you are totally normal rather than anything about your anxiety!)

Oh, and I meant to say, you would probably be very surprised how many people you know are taking AD's. I know I was. I had a bad day at work a few years ago and broke down and loads of people were saying about their AD's, I was really shocked but it made me feel a lot better to know that everyone else hides it too IYSWIM.
x

thanks ladies. That's a good story Chirpy girl. I just spend all day thinking this is never going to end, because it's been going on for so long (7 years). It's really hard to talk to anyone about it - my DP (father of my DS and long term partner) is frustrated and doesn't understand, my Mum won't, and my friends are gradually getting really fed up with me. I try to hide it as much as poss, but recently it's got so bad it's impossible to hide. And I keep crashing back down, even after months of feeling fine. I just hate myself for doing this to my family. Because I think I am doing this - I don't think it's a chemical imbalance, I think it's my thought patterns. So whenever I start to feel anxious, I think 'Oh no, it's starting again' and then I feel really guilty for not being able to stop myself becuase I should. I do everything I can - exercise every day, counselling, acupuncture, meditation - and just know it's my stupid head doing this to myself. I look at external factors -stressful job, always rushing around, parents nagging, moving house etc - but just don't think that's it. I just think I'm a useless negative miserable person and it's all my fault. I just don't understand what's happening to me and why I can't get better. I just want to be normal. But maybe there's no such thing, right?
Sorry for the tedious stream of consciousness. x

You are absolutely right, there is no such thing as normal!

Sorry, I can't advise on the anxiety thing, but I just wanted to send you some support.

From reading your post it sounds as if you need to be much kinder to yourself and also that people around you are being less than supportive. And I can't help thinking that the more you feel the need to hide it, the worse it will get. It made me think about when I have insomnia - I'm lying in bed thinking "I have to go to sleep because I have to get up early". It's a 100% guarantee that then I won't be able to sleep!

Similarly, whilst exercise might be good for you, you seem to be forcing it rather than enjoying it.

Don't worry about taking the drugs. As others have said here, lots of your friends/colleagues will also be taking them (or will have done in the past/may do so in the future). Just think about it as having a headache - surely you would take paracetamol or ibuprofen to make it go away? Why not take ADs to help you here? It might help you break the vicious circle it seems to me that you are in.

Be kind to yourself. Take some time - why not take a couple of days off? - and do something just for you. You really need and deserve to have time to do anything that makes you feel better. Go for a massage, or a long walk or to church - anything.

You do deserve it, and it sounds like you need it.

You can borrow my name if you like!

Thanks so much. There are so many lovely ladies out there! I know I need to be nicer to myself, but THERE'S JUST NO TIME! I am constantly running from one thing to another and have absolutely no time to myself ever. I hate it. I'm sure that can't help.

In which case, buy yourself a book about Time Management right now!

There really is no such thing as 'no time' - it's another symptom of your condition, making you feel out of control

Take charge of your day - list your tasks and allocate responsibilities to other people as well (bet you're not doing as much of this as you can!), and then work out specific timetables for what is going to get done when.

I know it sounds daft but it will really help you.

and also ask yourself if something has to be done - so often we make ourselves do things that really don't need to be done so often. Things I've read about on MN include:

Changing bedding more than once a week (beyond the obvious need if kids have been sick/have worms, etc). Will not do anyone any harm if this doesn't happen more than once a fornight.

Giving kids clean pyjamas every night. It's lovely to wear clean things, but why create all that washing for yourself? (and bad for the environment too!)

Always cooking from scratch. Yes it's better, but there are so many helpful alternatives that are healthy.

Cooking different meals for everyone. Stop it right now! Everyone has the same food, or else.

Don't know if any of these apply to you, but think about the things you do every day and about the reasons for doing them. Can you let up on yourself a bit? Do your shopping online, for example.

sorry - I could go on - but HTH!

I think I need to stop working. Or at least change job. Yesterday I got up at 630, missed the train, had to race in to work late, didn't get to eat until 1230 and didn't leave my desk except to go to the loo until 5, when i had to race out to collect my son from nursery (always the last one there!) and drive him home, then do bedtime, do the washing, cook DH's supper, then go to gym.... Didn't stop until 10pm. Literally don't have a second. I'm sure that must be why I'm going mad. I keep being told it's stress related, but I don't believe it, as I can keep going and keep going, then suddenly crash again. I think doing a stressful job three times a week is just too much for me. It's pathetic, but I think it's true. Then I'll have time to myself a bit, and would be more sorted for my family. And I could take a smaller job, nearer to home, just to be able to see people and not go mad on my own...

IT'S SO HARD!!!! WHY DIDN'T THEY TELL US THIS IN ALL THE BABY BOOKS?? I think it's a conspiracy....

Ann if you can afford to take a less demanding job then do it.
However, you don't want to regret it later and beat yourself up for doing smthg beneath what you expected of yourself.

Let me explain: my self esteem suffered greatly when I turned the page on 7 years in law school and 4 working in the city. Had a baby and after maternity leave we started moving. 3 years (and 3 coutries) down the line, I'm in Asia thinking what a waste!

I mean we are always going to feel this way somehow. They don't tell us in the books as you say, but if you put yourself in the right mindframe, you will find there is a time for everything in life. It's always shifting.
MAKE YOUR SPACE and tell yourself that's what your sanity requires now and work on feeling better.
Once again, I speak from a very privileged place where I can make this choice. I know we don't all have that chance. But once again, whatever the situation, it's a mindset, you create your opportunities, no one will give it to you.

Take care

that's why AD s are important now. You want to feel better now to work on long term. Take them and start feeling better now and don't sink.
hugs

ann, maybe you could drop a few balls I think it is perfectly reasonable for DH to be cooking his own, and your dinner, while you "do bedtime" and whilst i think exercise is important, probably not so late at night - i know if i went to the gym at that time of night i'd never sleep. I would love to go the gym, but i dont have the energy, and like you, coudlnt get there til late and would hate that.

ann, chuckling kindly at your comment "i think im doing this, its not a chemical imbalance its just my thought processes" Sweetheart, take it from me, your thought processes are entirely chemical! Well there is some electricity too, but well its mostly chemical. The reason your thought processes are so negative could be exactly because of a chemical imbalance. Its the whole seratonin thing going on. You get low levels when you are down, you then produce less, require less, it drops so low that it doesnt do its job properly. It makes you feel like shit, you feel negative and generally anxious and unhappy. The citilopram helps your brain to make use of the seratonin you produce more efficiently, i think eventually leading to you producing more, vicious circle thing i think. So please dont hate yourself. My Doctor said a really useful thing to my DP, who despite trying his hardest just does not understand why im like this - she said, LEM can no more get better from this without intervention than she could if she had injured her back or contracted glandular fever, she is ILL!! I was a bit but it really made me think, ive been on the pills for a few weeks, i think i need a higher dose cos i feel like shit in the mornings before i take them, but i know i can fight this now. But it is no good ditching the tablets til we sort our issues, by the same virtue we cannot possible sort our issues until we sort our chemicals Sorry if that makes no sense at all

What helped me was

1. telling my friends -this enabled them to understand why I just didn't turn up to things I said I would. (through worrying about it too much, the journey, being away from home etc)

2. Writing things down -I have a book which I use to get everything out of my head. I can then reflect, discuss with my dp or just give it to read if I can't face talking to him about things. This means he is able to understand me more and help me more.

3. Seeing a psychologist -this was through being referred to the mental health team of my local authority. She comes once a week and was able to work through what I had written in my book, use cbt ideas with me and set me goals for the next week.

4. Realising that just becasue one sort of treatment didn't work that others still may -I started with ad's (prozac) and this made me much worse but I changed to another sort and felt calmer, clearer and more able to face the world. I had counselling but due to the waiting list could only had sessions every 2 weeks which did more harm than good as I talked about some very difficult issues and was then left to stew for 2 weeks. The psychology has helped tremendously.

5. Not planning things to far in advance - This helps with the anxiety as I would plan, then spend the time in between getting anxious about what it was I was going to do. I plan me a week ahead but no more but I do have to plan ds further ahead.

6. Realising that it is normal to feel anxious, down, worried - I am prgt but are lathargic so felt the depression was coming back and was getting anxious but really I'm prtg with low iron levels.... My worries can be normal worries that any mother/prgt woman can have. I am learning to separate the 2.

I haven't got over it but I do know the triggers (as does my dh) that start me off. Dh is allowed to say 'are you getting anxious' without me bitting his head off as I begining to become irrational and need to clean everything (That's a good sign something's up with me!) I still write in my book when I feel overwealmed but don't always feel the need to take it too anyone. I am expecting again and I am aware that it can come back (set off by events of the past but birth of ds1 triggered panic attacks/ awful thoughts) but feel much more prepared. I don't work atm as I was a very confident teacher reduced to hiding in corners fearing a complete breakdown in front of the children (which never happened) but wil be looking for a part time job sometime next year to get me back into work.

Sorry this is so long -hope some of it helps!

Also when I worked I would get up at 6-6.30am get me dressed, then wake up ds feed him (careful not to get any on me) dress him, drive him to nursery. Drive me to work, work through break time/lunchtime have meetings after school. I had to leave the meetings after school to go and pick up ds, (tuts from other members of staff) take him home, bath him then put him to bed. EVERY day I worked I did this. Once he was in bed I carried on marking/planning etc.

My dp got up, showered, dressed went to work.

Everytime my ds was ill I had to leave work as dh is a contractor and he pays the bills.

I had the secretary of the school take a phonecall and tell the nursery 'oh, he's not ill again is he?'

I just couldn't cope. I felt I was a crap mum and a crap teacher and that it was just a matter of time before everyone found out, which I now know I'm not.

Our lives alter completely and forever though our dh/'s just carry on with what they were doing before. Don't get me wrong my dh is fab and helps loads but he communtes to London so it was all left to me.

Ann, I really think you are being way too hard on yourself, just reading your day is making me feel tired, no wonder you feel the way you do, if you didn't feel stressed/anxious then I would think there was something wrong with you!

You really need to find time for yourself, how about you don't go to the gym every night, change 'gym time' to 'you time'
Still leave the house if you want but go for a walk, swim, sit on a bench and watch the world go by or stay home and have a bath, read a book whatever!
What do you do on the train? I used to have an hour commute to work where I would listen to music, read, doodle stupid drawings in my pad (mostly of my boss in serous pain) or just stare out of the window.
Plus, don't forget that the whole 'negative thinking' aspect is more than likely mostly due to your anxiety, it's a vicious circle as you say, you feel anxious which makes you more anxious and round and round...

My DH never really understood and was of the 'pull yourself together woman' school of thought until I lost it with him one night and said that didn't he think if I could then I would?

sorry, waffling again but I really feel for you and want you to realise that with everything you have going on something has to give, you are completely normal, you are just ill, and if medication helps with that, then keep taking it.

(also, if they put this in the baby books do you think the human race would ever continue!)

thanks everyone - it's so kind of you to listen and help. my dp (i think that stands for darling partner - i'm not really sure about these codes!) took me out today, bought me a massage, took me to the hairdressers, took me out for lunch and shopping. and i just couldn't cheer up. i just felt awful - and we ended up having a conversation about my 'depression' and he said he was frustrated that i hadn't made much progression (but not with me, just the situation) and that he couldn't reallly talk about with me coz he has to keep cheerful for the two of us otherwise we're never going to get through. and i just feel so awful that i'm letting him and my son down, and i can't believe that it's come to this. i just cannot believe i'll ever get better. and i'm so very very sad that i'm messing it up for everyone.

and i just hate hate the dread i have of the next day. yet another day of freaking out, not being able to eat or smile....

i know sometimes i'm fine, but i just can't remember it or believe it when i'm in the middle of an episode. and i'm obsessing about how i feel, how much my heart is pounding, how many days i've felt good/bad - and i just want to take my head off.

my poor poor family.

i'm back up to 20mg at the moment, after having reduced my dose to 5mg every other day so i'm so disappointed in myself. i was previously on 30mg and i'm loathe to go back to it, coz it takes so long to come off, and i'd be right back to the beginning. but i think i'm going to have to... boo

Just wanted to add another hug and a positive story - your last post sounded so much like me from a few years ago, but I haven't had any serious depression/anxiety incidences for over three years. You can get through this - loads of us have.

And remember - your dp (darling partner!) is with you because he loves you. Any truly loving partnership means sometimes one person takes the strain, sometimes the other one does, on lucky days you both pull together. It sounds to me like you're a high achiever and very independent. Let your dp do the work at the moment- over the course of your lives together, there'll be plenty of times when you're the one getting your hands dirty. Lots of mixed metaphors there, but hope you know what I mean!