Why am I so fucking useless?

[naturaldisasterarea]

Regular but NCed. A few months ago I was diagnosed with ADHD and given Ritalin as a trial. I seemed to be a clear cut case because diagnosis was pretty quick. I ended up crying at the psychiatrist because I just can't keep my shit together. That week alone I had

• left my handbag in a shopping trolley in a car park
• lost my bank card
• left my phone in the car- lost my Costco card IN COSTCO
• fined for not paying a parking fine on time (so - double fine)
• lost a set of keys
• failed to find time to wash my hair

Which was a pretty standard week of my life.

But it does not seem to be getting better. Today I started hemming curtains, stopped to make some phone calls, only when I looked at my calendar remembered I'd booked in for a gym class (not actually written down), changed and ran to car (always fucking running), drive halfway to gym before realising I'd left the iron on, had to drive back - so missed my class and will also be fined for that. School run was a rush as always too - only just made the bus in time, every morning I shout at my DCs for not hurrying enough, then feel awful.

I know all of these things are normal, I just wish it wasn't every minute of every day feeling like this. DH and DC1 also have ADHD, only poor DC2 (6) holds us together and despairs of the rest of us, especially as we regularly forget PE kit/sports kit/school bag etc etc.

I have tried so many different admin systems - we have paper calendars, google calendars, white boards, post its. Nothing sticks. Ditto cleaning systems - flylady, Kondo (and we have a cleaner) - the house is still messy and dirty. I have given up on filing full stop - the paper just piles up because I can't cope with it.

I'm really depressed about it and feel like I really should be able to pull myself together, (I'm not even working at the moment FFS) but can't. The more stressed and depressed I get, the more disorganised I get, so the cycle gets worse.

I'm not sure what I'm after here. Has anyone with ADHD managed to turn themselves around or do I just somehow have to accept that I will always turn up for things late (if at all), shouting, stressed and having forgotten/lost everything?

Could lack of sleep be contributing to your difficulties?

Maybe you cried out of relief rather than out of 'not being able to keep your shit together'? Your life sounds busy, there's a lot going on, and all those things are hard to stay on top of. Please give yourself a break. Maybe just for today stop being so hard on yourself. Sorry I haven't had the same diagnosis as you but I do similar things to you and it's always far worse when I am also being a bitch to myself about all the balls I am dropping. How about just letting some of that stuff go? We forget stuff, so we're reminded and then we sort it out. You remembered your iron so you returned home to ensure it was safe. Just breathe, give yourself a break, you're doing ok.

cake I am pretty protective of my sleep - usually get 8 hours, though not good quality according to my fit band. I do always feel tired, have always been that way.

woolly there was an element of relief but also shame - I am a grown up who should be able to manage these things. If it was every so often I'd find it easier to give myself a break but it's all the time - I'm so sick of the missed forms, constant running around, and taking it out on my kids . I don't know how to let stuff go...

I think you are doing too much! Gym, you can drive (I cannot drive except on slow roads) curtains, costco, dcs, dh with adhd, dc with SEN. You are actually being amazing not useless.

Don't ask so much of yourself, simplify rather than expect all these organised systems. So start with some food in the fridge for the next two days, and the basic school organisation and then slowly rebuild from there. I have a friend with ADHD who is also amazing but she drives herself very hard, as if all these things keep pinging in her brain, I must do running, I must do the shopping, and I am going to do this interesting work too and the children need to be encouraged, ping ping ping. Ask less of yourself, see what is the simplest way you can do things and try not to fit extra in for the moment.

PS your lists of lost keys, cards school muddle are common to most mums who are running around ragged, but it is because you are trying to do too much (people with ADHD are often creative thinkers with loads of energy) not because you are not organised.

I am a grownup who should be able to manage these things says who?? You are a loving mother who is trying to do her best for the family and needs to look after herself to achieve this. The judgey people may have other problems that you are not aware of, or indeed they may not have the same problems or demands on their time as you. Let them judge amongst themselves and deal with their own lives.

Simplify and good things will follow.

Nettleskeins thank you so much for your kind words, your posts made me cry (again) but you are right, I do push myself, but can't seem to avoid the outside pressure from everyone else who seems to be on top of everything.
I like the idea of simplifying right down, there are probably some things I need to drop for the time being

Do you work OP?

Does it help if I openly acknowledge here that I am as much of a mess (for different reasons). This isn't about what you 'should be able to manage', I agree. Forget that. We can only do what we can do. I constantly drop stuff at home, it's a running joke now, I have other strengths.
So what if you forget stuff, are late, don't wash your hair...who is actually judging you here? (I mean in life, not on mumsnet)
Ooh shame, yes it's brutal. But you have nothing to be ashamed of. Please give yourself a break.

I don't have that much advice but wanted to sympathise as I have an extremely poor working memory (not ADHD, different cause) particularly very short term memory - I have a thought (usually "I must remember to xxx") and then it just slides right out of my mind as if it's made of glass. I have the memory of thinking I needed to do something but not what it fucking was.

One thing that has helped with this, strangely, is getting an Amazon Echo and saying "remind me in 5 minutes to xxxx". So in your example, stay hemming the curtains but ask Echo to remind you to make the phone calls in ten minutes or whenever. One of my biggest problems is staying focused - I really have to force myself and asking for a reminder in that second I think of something not getting up to do it helps me.

The iron situation (this is pot and kettle as I nearly burnt down the kitchen with the grill the other day) I have signs up near any appliances that can kill me or burn the house down For example "turn the hob off". I move the signs around in the kitchen so I don't become used to them. I also have a list on the front door to check things like this.

Practical things we have done is change the oven to electric not gas so if I leave it on it's not quite as risky, and change the front door yale lock so I can't lock myself out, going out without my keys.

My DC are older (and my memory problems are in the last few years) so I can't imagine how difficult you find it with school age DC. One MN tip I found really helpful yonks ago was to take a photo on my phone as soon as you see a letter. At the end of the day I wrote all the things in my photos on my calender/phone.

I have a tick list with tasks divided into priority and reminders set eg

low priority (eg annual insurance, people's birthdays, reminder every year)
Medium priority (usually monthly/weekly tasks and I put everything in - clean the bathroom/order tablets/empty fridge/meter reads etc)
High priority - these are things that are one off or need to be done that week eg book the vet/renew library book/email college etc.

I try and allow myself 15/30 mins both morning and evening to go through all this, and it feels nice to tick stuff off!

You probably do all this already and I know the feeling of having shitloads of systems but forgetting to do them! At this very moment I am halfway though entering my meter reads online but wanted to read an update on a thread I'm on...forty minutes later I'm still here!

Also I just thought (oh the irony) if you were diagnosed and given medication a few months ago but it hasn't changed, do you have any appointments booked to review this and maybe tweak the meds?

One more thought I forgot to say and perhaps the most important is that you're not fucking useless. Unless you think everyone in a similar boat is fucking useless, and I imagine you don't, I imagine you recognise we are all trying our best even if we don't always succeed.

So don't hold yourself to a higher standard than you expect of everyone else.

Recognise how hard you are trying and what you do succeed it, not what you miss - you remembered to go back and turn the iron off, I would take that as a win.

Thank you all, you are lovely!

Love I am not working at the moment, no. I used to, god knows how.

Woolly that is very true and I wish I could stop caring what (I imagine) people think

WeBuilt lots of good advice! I actually have an Echo already, I just hadn't thought to use it for that. I do have some lists up, e.g. what to take to school each day, though I become blind to them after a week or so, walking gaily past without the relevant thing in my hand. I like the idea of moving them around. If I remember to do that

I find lists make me anxious and miserable. I prefer now to just use the calendar on the wall, pile up to do's in an obvious place and just do it quickly before I forget what the pile is. Putting things in my phone hasn't helped either let alone my computer. I wonder whether only really organised people use organised "systems".
I couldn't cope with Flylady, or Kondo. But decluttering in a general sense has helped me, just not the whole ideology.

What has helped me be a bit less stressed and angry/sad is to get a regular delivery of milk and veg set up. We now have a meat box fortnightly too but that is a bit extravagant I know. Then bread and fruit and groceries just get shopped for when we need them. I find I am better at nipping to shops than planning a big shop - it overwhelms me. But that is just me. Thank you for inspiring me, I did some sewing today that I had been putting off for ages.

Keys I put them in an obvious place (handbag) every single time I come in, even if I want to keep them in my pocket or on a hook or a different bag. Same with car key. I put it in a small pink drawer in hall wherever I have been whenever I get in. I think it doesn;t matter what the habit is, but it just has to be the exactly the same place every time. I also have an incredibly long dangly attachment on my car keys and door keys (separate) so that it is easier to find them when I do misplace them. Usually I lose them at the bottom of my handbag and panic, but they are almost always (touchwood) nowadays.

Also I take Vitamin D3, for tiredness/concentration/anxiety.

I once drove the children to swimming and forgot till I got there that I had left some eggs on to boil (trying to be organised and make tea of hardboiled eggs in advance) The children still think it is very funny my calculations about how long it would take the egg pan to boil dry and whether the house would be on fire when we got back. I think we abandoned the swimming. They were deeply impressed by my remembering that I had left the eggs on, rather than cross with me for forgetting to turn them off!

I am in a similar place. I was recently diagnosed ADHD and am on Methlyphenidate (Ritalin?).

I am a big one for very complicated organising systems, I spoke to an ADHD Coach and he suggested simplifying things, and making the plan for tomorrow the day before using a checklist.

The system I am attempting is having a spreadsheet for things to do (I can have a dozen notebooks but only one laptop!), google calendar for appointments, a blank planner so I have to write out the week/daily schedules (I think this bit is the key bit!), and checklists (working on them).

Really, really simplify your goals too. And don't beat yourself up.

I have ZERO awareness of time, and medication has NOT helped that one bit. In fact they have made me less anxious (I think I ran on adrenaline before). I am used to turning up and solving shit in a crisis.

I am trying to estimate how long something will take, and check the clock as I go.

I also have timers, I've got egg timers, digital kitchen timers, a 4 way alarm clock from Amazon. Anything you have to manually set by twisting or pressing buttons.

I found Russell Barkley (30 Essentials for Parents) on You Tube very helpful (bite size chunks!).

You are doing really, really well OP

Oh OP you just described my life!!!

There’s a group on fb but it’s mainly people just understanding each other rather than offering why real advice.

My doctor treated me for depression when I went about it

My father lost some of his short term memory so wote notes, one by the door with a mnemonic for switching everything off, it's accompanied by a photo of his friend Arthur Walbeck, and he says thank you to his photo every time
W- windows locked
A - appliances off
L Lights on or off (depends which ones/time of year
B back door locked
E electric heater off
C check taps off
K keys to lock up go in pocket

Thanks all - so nice to know I'm not alone

I don't do fb as it makes me depressed but do wish I could be on some kind of support group.

Goldfishgirl I'm really interested in finding an adhd coach (maybe we could get a group discount ) - we did see one for DC but she was pretty crap and anyway only does coaching for children. Where did you find yours?

Sortitout on an adhd course I went on they said that often women with adhd end up on antidepressants for years (as I was) instead of being diagnosed properly. The ADs take the edge off but of course never sort out the main problem.

Ariela I love that!

@Ariela that's lovely, and such a good way of remembering things!!

Just to make you feel better OP, I just put a bowl of pasta on, carried on my business and wondered what the smell was. I hadn't put the water in. And I have a visual photo in my memory of the pan on the heat with the pasta. Just walked away.

I am doing lots of things and trying to finish something, so my mind is going lots of places!

Also, I really, really blame hormones. As soon as my oestrogen starts to rise, I am fucking useless. It's like a hormonal fog descends. I don't want to do what normal people do, I want to go and run in a field or climb trees.

I went to see a wonderful counsellor and our first session was about the world should.
Following that, my homework was to write down every time I thought or said that I should be doing this or I should be doing that, and I took this back and she told me to just change the word for could. I should be cleaning the house, became I could be changing the house. Then she asked me to add an or. So I could be cleaning the house or I could be having a relaxing bath. Once you see life as a series of choices, you start thinking, well I could be beating myself up about not doing better or I could be practising self love. I could be doing two things at once and running myself ragged or I could be practising mindfulness. I found it so liberating that shift in my internal language. Whenever I think I should do something now, I correct myself. You could be AuntGinny, and you could have that chaos back with it. Or you can choose to let go of the things not meant for you right now and simplify your life.

Ooh So I've just used Google for coaches, also the ADHD UK Facebook Group. Google your area and see if there are any adult groups that meet up.

Here are a few:
www.simplywellbeing.com/
adhdpositive.co.uk/about/
www.geniuswithin.co.uk/

Right, enough procrastinating for me!

let go of the things not meant for you right now this [love emoji]

OP I don’t have a diagnosis of ADHD but I recognise so much of this. I lose cards in supermarkets, car keys and phone all the time, once drove off with a phone on my car roof, an useless at getting school forms back etc. I beat myself up about it too. I feel massively overwhelmed, a lot.

I find simplifying everything helps. So if it were me I would:

1. Ditch the gym and go for walks when you can instead.
2. Ditch the curtain hemming, get some new ones on eBay
3. Ditch any ironing
4. Get a wall calendar - it’s the only system I can keep to
5. But put things on phone calendar as and when they crop up (as you may be out and about, then transfer to wall calendar).
6. Wash hair twice weekly max - buy some bands for the other days
7. Use post-it notes as reminders. My Dad always had one on the front door, and one by the kettle.
8. Get a plastic box for papers to keep them in one place until they are filed/chucked/dealt with. Bank statements, catalogues, school letters, the lot.
9. Keep all your keys in a tin by the front door.

Someone said to me recently, just ditch everything you don’t actually have to do and see what happens.

I suspect the curtains are nearly finished and OP was ironing the seams It is great making your own curtains. [disclaimer..I just put up a curtain track for the first time last month, so chuffed - although it did take me several days to work it out

The mnemonic is really interesting, and I like the could/should thing too - lots of good ideas here!

Naturaldisasterarea could I be nosy and ask (or anyone else) if you think your DH having similar issues makes it harder, or easier in a way as he understands, for you? One of the worst things for me is the effect this is having on my DH as I've not always been like this and I feel so...unreliable and kind of "hard work". Last night he found the back door unlocked after I let the cats in (and we live in an area where you just can't do this!) DH never ever complains or would make me feel bad, but I know he worries and it can't be much fun having to double check everything all the time. I also repeat myself a lot when i talk (I don't know I do this at the time) DH and DCs are very patient but I'm sure they want to scream sometimes!

I don't want to derail your thread but it struck me that we all seem to carry so much guilt on this thread and whether our relationships impact this.