Why am I so fucking useless?

[naturaldisasterarea]

Regular but NCed. A few months ago I was diagnosed with ADHD and given Ritalin as a trial. I seemed to be a clear cut case because diagnosis was pretty quick. I ended up crying at the psychiatrist because I just can't keep my shit together. That week alone I had

• left my handbag in a shopping trolley in a car park
• lost my bank card
• left my phone in the car- lost my Costco card IN COSTCO
• fined for not paying a parking fine on time (so - double fine)
• lost a set of keys
• failed to find time to wash my hair

Which was a pretty standard week of my life.

But it does not seem to be getting better. Today I started hemming curtains, stopped to make some phone calls, only when I looked at my calendar remembered I'd booked in for a gym class (not actually written down), changed and ran to car (always fucking running), drive halfway to gym before realising I'd left the iron on, had to drive back - so missed my class and will also be fined for that. School run was a rush as always too - only just made the bus in time, every morning I shout at my DCs for not hurrying enough, then feel awful.

I know all of these things are normal, I just wish it wasn't every minute of every day feeling like this. DH and DC1 also have ADHD, only poor DC2 (6) holds us together and despairs of the rest of us, especially as we regularly forget PE kit/sports kit/school bag etc etc.

I have tried so many different admin systems - we have paper calendars, google calendars, white boards, post its. Nothing sticks. Ditto cleaning systems - flylady, Kondo (and we have a cleaner) - the house is still messy and dirty. I have given up on filing full stop - the paper just piles up because I can't cope with it.

I'm really depressed about it and feel like I really should be able to pull myself together, (I'm not even working at the moment FFS) but can't. The more stressed and depressed I get, the more disorganised I get, so the cycle gets worse.

I'm not sure what I'm after here. Has anyone with ADHD managed to turn themselves around or do I just somehow have to accept that I will always turn up for things late (if at all), shouting, stressed and having forgotten/lost everything?

Thanks for all your responses overnight! I didn't want to read and run but I'll be out now all day so will mull over them properly and come back later

Just wanted to share this article - relevant!

BBC News - 'How skiving made me a better parent'
www.bbc.co.uk/news/stories-50289609

Love that idea OP. I don't have kids but I really need to skive more!

Please skive and update us about it.

Apologies it's taken me ages to reply. Another thing I am crap at

You are my people! Love all the stories about pasta/egg pans, phone on car roof etc. Though sorry you also find life hard...

The simplifying advice is good, I do simplify quite a lot already though:

• I don't iron (had to buy an ironing board specially for those curtains!)
• Hair only gets washed twice a week max - more like once
• I don't do SM
• I avoid any volunteeringthat requires head space/organisation - e.g I will happily work on a stall at the school fair but won't help organise it
• I don't really "make" things - I rarely bake or sew unless necessary like mending uniform. I need to confess I didn't make those curtains! (Took up existing ones)
• I don't work (at the moment)
• Have a cleaner
• Do online shopping for most things

I had to resist the urge to put a after most of these (not SM or cleaner though - no regrets there!). Working especially - I don't for a second judge SAHPs but I do feel guilt that we made the decision to buy our house based on me working, then I stopped. DH is ok about it though, actually encouraging me to take a year off. In general I'm embarrassed that I opt out of all these things that lots of other people seem to manage, but still can't cope...

There are a couple of things I do need to get on top of

• admin/filing because dumping it on a sofa not really a great solution. I like the idea of a box to put it all in
• my mental health. I keep bouncing on and off ADs - they are not the real solution but sometimes stop things spiralling out of control. I now take them for PMT only (interesting what you said about hormones GoldfishGirl). A coach feels like a good solution. I haven't found any local ones but perhaps I need to suck it up and go into London, we're not too far away.
• exercise because it does help with MH, though my current gym is not helpful, being far away and fining for non attendance. Will try walking/running instead, or look for new gym
• appointments/calendar - I do have a paper one but somehow it never seems to stick (It's currently sat on May!) - perhaps I need to put it somewhere visible and insist DH and I go through it every Sunday night or something

It's such a balance between getting organised enough to feel sane, and adding on more processes

WeBuilt that's a really good question and DH have pondered that many times. I reckon it's both. Having 2 of us in the house who are shit at organisation means that even big things get missed - passports not renewed, fines for late payments etc. We often say that even added together we barely make one fully functioning adult! That and the fact that added together, we were almost certain to make at least one DC with the same issues (in fact they are much worse)

But the fact that we are so similar means we understand each other, and I'm not sure a "normal" person could put up with my bullshit. Having said that we are not nearly as patient with each other as your DH and regularly (and hypocritically) strop at each other for losing/forgetting/missing things, not tidying up etc. It's probably driven by the stress and guilt of how we live day to day.

We are only just (after 15 odd years together) working out what our complementary skills are, e.g.
I am good when planning in advance, e.g. thinking about Xmas now. He is best under pressure, e.g. cooking Xmas dinner on the day, when I will go to pieces.
I am good at phoning people such as builders etc but put sorting a very messy room. He hates talking to anyone on the phone so will put that off indefinitely, but is great at sorting etc.

So luckily we are crap in different ways

Gosh I have written a lot, this thread has become a bit of a therapy session for me
I hope it's useful for others too

I don't have ADHD, but have battled depression for most of my adult life. One of the things I learned in therapy is that when we have negative self-beliefs, we look for evidence to reinforce our negative self-beliefs. I know that I often mess things up because I expect to mess things up and so I self-sabotage. This is my subconscious telling me I'm useless so I might as well carry on being useless. I don't know if that makes sense or if it helps at all! I also learned in therapy to avoid things that I "should" do - as a PP mentioned.

Yes to a box! I had one but it got too small

A lot of coaching is done via Skype and most will do a free 30 minute into call. Here's another I found: theadultadhdcoach.com/

I feel like I could write a book about hormones! I read that when progesterone kicks in (second half of cycle) we are calmer (it has a calming effect) (although not a few days before due when oestrogen rises again!) so detailed work is good to do then.

In the first half of the month when oestrogen is higher we are good at starting new projects. Towards ovulation you might want to finish them.

And during ovulation and periods we are more creative, so derail all the planning and projects we have done with new ideas and reflections.

What I try to do is make a to do list (or at least figure out what the priorities are) before about day 7 of my cycle.

As you can see, I have tried a lot before starting meds.