Embarrassed to tell therapist

[akerman]

I'm seeing my therapist tomorrow and one of the things on my mind is the way my mother was obsessed with my body when I was growing up. She'd pull my pants down without warning to see if I'd started growing hair. She'd do the same with my pyjama jackets to see how big my breasts were. But she'd also laugh at me about it in front of my Dad, who was very embarrassed but didn't stop her (she'd go ballistic when challenged) - she'd go on and on about how one breast was bigger or keep telling me that I should sunbathe topless. This is so pathetic, but I'm really embarrassed about telling her, because you can't hear that about somebody and then not look at them. So even if I wrote it down and didn't have to say it there's no solution. Has anyone else had to deal with this? TIA

Gosh that is an awful thing your mother did and I can totally see how you feel about it.

Writing it down is a great idea and then you can talk about it afterwards but only if you want to.

This is the kind of thing you should tell your therapist. The reason it's on your mind is because this is the stuff that you need to talk about.

The shame and embarrassment you feel now even thinking about telling is a legacy from the feelings you had when it was happening to you as a child. You will have the space to properly look at these really difficult feelings instead of trying to suppress them.

I bet the reason that you think it's 'pathetic' to talk about is because your mum told you that you were pathetic/stupid/overreacting when you objected to her violating your boundaries and privacy.

It's not pathetic. It's important.

Good luck x

I haven’t had to deal with this but I have seen a therapist before.

I had an issue with my stepfather and inappropriate touching.
When I first met my therapist I remember saying something along the lines of “ yes there was an issue with s/f but I don’t want to talk about it at the moment” the therapist just nodded, and we talked of other things.

It’s up to you how the therapy goes and what you tell. Waiting for you to be ready is what therapy is about.

I think you can hear something like that and not look at your body. When you wrote what happened to you the thought in my head was of some awful grown up woman abusing a child. It’s a child’s body you are talking about, not yours as it is now.

I’m not sure if that’s helps or if I’ve managed to explain myself well, but I wish you the very best. You have been very badly treated.

"I'm really embarrassed about telling her, because you can't hear that about somebody and then not look at them"

I'm not sure what you mean?

I am a therapist, and I have been in therapy myself. All I can say is that a) I get the feeling of vulnerability. That did fade away for me after i'd been seeing my therapist for a while though. How long have you known your therapist? and b) as a therapist myself, I wouldn't 'look' at you any differently at all. We do not under any circumstance judge our clients.

Ideally you would feel safe (at some point) enough in your therapeutic relationship that you would feel able to speak openly. If it is any reassurance, therapists hear it all.

Thank you all for such kind and supportive messages.
By looking at me differently, I mean that if you hear that someone's body is so odd that it's funny, it must be quite hard not to speculate about what it looks like. I've only been going about a month, so maybe it's just too soon to bring it up though.

Could you write it down and give it to her? You could also say you're not ready to speak about it yet.

You have explained yourself well sleepymum, thank you. The idea that it's a different body is very comforting.

Honestly listening to your story it is pretty obvious that it is your mother and not your body that was inappropriate.
I worked as a therapist for years and in an area that meant the people I saw often thought they had damaged or faulty bodies, they didn't. They had experienced trauma to their bodies and had internalized their fear, shame in addition. There was nothing wrong with their bodies and there will be nothing wrong with yours either.
Your therapist isn't going to look at you differently.

Thank you dreichsky.

And I'm really sorry about your s/father, sleepymum. That sounds awful. xx

It's something you need to discuss. It was abuse.

One thing I'll say though is don't expect the therapist to bat an eyelid.

As others have said, your therapist won't bat an eyelid.

Have I got this right or wrong... You're worried about them speculating about your body? If this is the case, do not worry! It's a safe place for you to be, honestly.

If it's on your mind enough to post a thread to millions of strangers, it would be a good thing if you could use some of that courage at therapy. Even if you just mentioned you're embarrassed and show them this post.

Good luck OP

And btw, it's absolutely NOT pathetic

Thank you toodles xx

Yes, do tell your therapist if you feel ready to. If it helps to write it down, then do that and then you can decide how much and when you want to share with her. It’s courageous to acknowledge difficult memories and experiences in therapy, and therapists know this. She won’t blink but she’ll be ready to help you say what you need to.

Thank you crafty.

That is sexual abuse.

I hope your therapist can help you.

I’m a therapist. My focus on hearing this would be on supporting you. I would not assume there was anything different about your body or look at your body. This is about your mum’s abuse, not your body.

It sounds abusive to me. It's normal for a growing women to develop hair under your arms and on your foof. It's normal that one breast (I thought the left one, but a bit unsure) is bigger than the other, it just isn't always noticable. She embarressed you about having a normal body. Your mother didn't treat you well...

Your therapist will be focusing on your feelings and thoughts OP, not your body. What you experienced was definitely abusive and you deserve support from someone caring and non judgmental to work through the painful feelings you will have had as a result. .

Yes, I had the same sort of issue, different but equally degrading. Not with my mother. But my brother. However my mother knew what my mother was doing to me. I told my therapist. My mother and brother are the only ones, who should feel shame and embarrassment.

Your mother was vile and abusive to do this to you. My dd is the sort of age you would have been. I could never imagine violating her boundaries in that way. Your therapist will only want to support you. They are there for you. To support you and to validate your pain and experiences. You are not responsible for your mother’s twisted behaviour. Trust me, nothing you can tell them will shock them about you.

Oops my mother knew what my brother was doing to me.

Thank you all of you - that really helps. I'm sorry to hear what happened to you mummyoflittledragon. I know what you mean about being unable to imagine doing these things to your own children. I do sometimes wonder wtf she was thinking . . .

Thanks. 😊 I am also sorry for what happened to you too.

As for what she was thinking? Maybe someone did it to her. When I talked to my mother about something she repeatedly did to me as a child, she justified that her sister had done it to her. No empathy. I got the impression she could see no difference between an older sibling bullying a child and a parent doing the same.