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Mental health

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Original poster

Suicide - who is selfish?

87 replies

StringingIT · 18/10/2019 15:20

People who take their own lives I have often heard them being referred to as selfish. However, if somebody is only here to please others and keep others happy - then who’s really selfish?

OP posts:

Pootles34 · 18/10/2019 15:23

Well, I do agree that they're not selfish - they're ill. They can't 'just feel better'.

However I suppose its not really about pleasing others and keeping others happy - the devastation for a family after a suicide is horrendous, particularly if they have children. Also often referring to the poor train driver, or emergency services people, who have to deal with it. Horrendous all round.

Bluerussian · 18/10/2019 15:40

They are not selfish. I understand how sometimes the nearest and dearest may think that, it's usually such a shock & they wonder "how could they do that to me!". That doesn't last though.

There is a state of mind that is so dark and desolate there seems to be no way out and eternal sleep is a comforting thought. Very sad.

(I had an uncle who committed suicide when I was seven or eight and my cousin's brother in law (aged about 20) did so when I was ten. Dreadful shocks for their families, they were much loved.)

LilyJade · 18/10/2019 15:42

Why do you ask OP are you feeling down?

HopefulFor2020 · 18/10/2019 15:51

Often when people are in that darkest of dark places they think they're actually doing their loved ones a favour by removing themselves as a 'burden' so in a way, to them, it's the least selfish action. Obviously a rational mind wouldn't think this way but at the most desperate people aren't thinking rationally.

I hate it when people refer to suicide as selfish

mooncuplanding · 18/10/2019 16:00

I understand where 'selfish' comes from because honestly the pain and ever lasting guilt is unbearable for relatives of the deceased.

It is like a pain from no other death. All death hurts but suicide has an extra layer of hurt for the family that is never resolved. And sometimes you wonder if that is what they wanted, hence the selfish questions.

Elodie2019 · 18/10/2019 16:06

People who take their own lives are not selfish. They have reached a point where life is unbearable and they are in pain.

lyingwanker · 18/10/2019 16:07

My mum always used to refer to suicide as selfish but I've never really understood that point of view. Maybe it's because I've been in that dark awful place and I understand the desperation

mooncuplanding · 18/10/2019 16:08

They have reached a point where life is unbearable and they are in pain.

They do. But they then pass that pain onto family members and people who loved them.

lyingwanker · 18/10/2019 16:10

@mooncuplanding I kinda see that way of thinking as the same as "nobody asked to be born".

MaidenMotherCrone · 18/10/2019 16:11

It is selfish. It's terrible for everyone involved.

From personal experience many people directly involved feel its a selfish act too especially when it's done in such a public way or in a way that gets the biggest audience (for want of a better phrase) or as a final act of some sort of sick revenge.

bubbles1345786 · 18/10/2019 16:12

It's not selfish. It's not usually a choice.
It's a battle against your own head and sometimes, like with cancer for example, people don't survive.

I get so angry when people say 'it's passing the pain to others'
it's exactly like saying people are selfish for dying of cancer as they pass the pain to others. Not okay.

bubbles1345786 · 18/10/2019 16:14

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

mooncuplanding · 18/10/2019 16:16

@bubbles1345786
You really miss the point and have turned pretty nasty there.

Speak to any family that has experienced it and the devastation it leaves is unbearable. It seems selfish.

mooncuplanding · 18/10/2019 16:17

I get so angry when people say 'it's passing the pain to others'
it's exactly like saying people are selfish for dying of cancer as they pass the pain to others. Not okay.

It does pass pain to others though. It is not the same as a death by cancer. I have experienced both and I guarantee you it is not the same.

bubbles1345786 · 18/10/2019 16:19

@mooncuplanding
You are assuming that I don't have any experience and am not an effected family member!! I have seen it from both sides. A close family member died by suicide and I will have no one call her selfish. She was ill, very very ill.
I also have a psychiatric condition that makes me constantly suicidal. It's not a fucking choice!

bubbles1345786 · 18/10/2019 16:21

@mooncuplanding
Do you have a serious psychiatric illness that makes you suicidal? If not then you know nothing.
I know the grieving is different for different causes of death but you shouldn't blame people for dying -it's not okay!

sunshinesupermum · 18/10/2019 16:22

People who feel such pain and desperation that they take their own lives are not selfish. They are too ill to think straight.

mistermagpie · 18/10/2019 16:23

They are not selfish. They are not in their 'right mind'. I used to be a Samaritan and the overwhelming sense I got from people who were contemplating suicide was that their friends and families would be better off without them. Obviously the friends and family wouldn't feel that way, but a suicidal person is dealing with darker thoughts than most people can contemplate.

mooncuplanding · 18/10/2019 16:24

I can tell you had experience by the way you have written this.

If you are trying to convince yourself that you would not leave a trail of desperation behind you, then I hope you will also hear what I am saying. It is utterly devastating to have someone you love take their own life. And it does leave people with pain that never really goes.

MaidenMotherCrone · 18/10/2019 16:26

@bubbles1345786

Dying and suicide are two different things but thank you so much.

I'm sure my children will see my death in a completely different way to their fathers. Hopefully I'll be old and regardless of what life throws at me I'll stick around for them because I happen to think they are worth it.

Their Father.... not so much.

If the Op is feeling suicidal do you honestly think telling them ' no, no it's fine honestly' is really going to help.

sunshinesupermum · 18/10/2019 16:26

mooncuplanding My DP's wife took her own life 10 years ago this week. She was seriously mentally ill having been told by psychiatrists she would never get better. It was incredibly painful for him as he had been on 24 hour suicide watch for a long time and still thought he could have stopped her. It's taken him a long time to realise that nothing was going to stop her.

Both he and I have also been suicidal at some point. It is never a decision taken lightly. And yes it does have serious repercussions on those left behind.

bubbles1345786 · 18/10/2019 16:29

@mooncuplanding
you are not listening at all. Of course if I died my family etc would be devastated, they would also be devastated if I died in an accident or from a physical illness.
It would not be my choice to die, even by suicide. Why do you think I'm still alive after fighting 2 decades of serious illness? But my head has come close to killing me many many times, it's terrifying. If it does win my family and friends will know that I was ill and that I fought and that the end was not my fault.

sunshinesupermum · 18/10/2019 16:29

But they then pass that pain onto family members and people who loved them.

Maybe so but when that pain has become unbearable that someone feels the only way out is to die, we have to accept it was their choice.

sunshinesupermum · 18/10/2019 16:30

bubbles

misspiggy19 · 18/10/2019 16:31

I think it is a selfish act. More so when they include other innocent people (e.g jumping in front of a train etc)

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