I am 2 years sober. 2 years without a drop of alcohol. But more importantly, 2 years since the last time I tried to kill myself. Because of how I’ve seen other people have struggled, and I know I still do sometimes too, I want to share my story to show people it absolutely does get better.
As a child, I always felt a little strange. I remember telling my best friend when I was 7 that I thought I was gay. It was at a sleep over and all she said was ‘okay, that’s alright, night’ and we went to sleep. She never judged me and I have always been thankful for that. I always thought that because I wasn’t sure of my sexuality, that was what made me feel sad and strange sometimes.
I ignored it until I was 14. Then I really began to notice something wasn’t right with the way I felt or how I handled things. I was 16 before I went to the doctors and I have always wished I had gone sooner. They gave me a number for a counselling thing for young people and I never went. I wasn’t really listened to so I didn’t bother to ring and just tried to ignore how I felt.
I started to self harm and told a friend about it who convinced me to stop.
I was 20 when I first tried to kill myself. I ran a bath, took 20 co-codamol and cut my skin. My family found me and took me to hospital.
After that I started on anti-depressants. They didn’t work for me and my doctor wasn’t very helpful.
It took another 2 suicide attempts and a lot of self harm for me to be able to change my medication.
I spent 3 days in hospital on an IV after taking 50 paracetamol.
I took time off work, spent time with my friends but it wasn’t going to help as I refused to stop drinking. It was an escape. Even though I became horrible after a drink, I didn’t see the problem. I hurt myself and others because I was an alcoholic.
Being in the hospital 2 years ago today and throwing up blood along side something someone said to me, convinced me I needed to stop. I went to counselling and alcohol counselling. I stopped harming myself and I stopped putting others through pain with the path of destruction I left.
Even without alcohol involved, I still struggled. To eat, to wash, to get out of bed or leave the house. I didn’t want to do anything ever again and because of what I’d done I didn’t think I deserved to.
I didn’t think I deserved anyone’s help or compassion. But, I pushed myself through. I found something to live for. I kept in my mind my dog and my sister and how I didn’t want to leave them because they needed me. It may sound silly to some people, but it helped.
2 years ago I never would have thought I’d be where I am now. I wake up everyday thankful that none of my suicide attempts were successful. Yes, I still have bad days and I think I always will. But the good days outweigh the bad ones now and that can happen for anyone who is struggling to cope right now. It can get better. I personally promise that.
Please don't suffer alone; you don't have to