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Mental health

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Original poster

Contemplating Suicide

31 replies

ConfusedAndStressed95 · 10/10/2019 01:56

Just that really, everything that could go wrong this year has gone wrong. And tomorrow I get to be scrutinized by Universal Credit assessors, I have no idea what that will entail and I'm terrified. My mum put some money into my account and all I want to do is use it to buy a plane ticket and get away. Or throw myself into the river. It's known for having people fall in and few would suspect that I've done it deliberately. Or take the many sleeping tablets that I have and just have it all be over.

My family situation is fucked. My mum loves me but has never understood me. My sisters don't like me at all and I think my friends are done with me, they seem like they don't want me around unless it's to their benefit and like they're keeping secrets. I can't get away from it because I live with one of them. If it wasn't for the fact it would kill my mother I'd end it now.

I need help and I keep reaching out and asking for help I'm getting nowhere. I can't call the Samaritans because I'm autistic and can't talk on the phone, and even if I could I wouldn't because I don't want my housemates to overhear.

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Chocolatethief · 10/10/2019 02:03

I'm really sorry you feel this way I feel the same tonight so I know how hard it is to keep going but you can do it and if you need help try and get it, if you cant be safe you need to go to a&e but there is also a text crisis team called shout I will get you the number for it now. You are so strong and I believe that you can do this.

Chocolatethief · 10/10/2019 02:05

The number is 85258 and it's free, you can type anything to start the conversation.

Original poster

ConfusedAndStressed95 · 10/10/2019 02:11

Thanks. I'm sorry your having a hard time. If I go to A&E they'll section me and I have to make the meeting tomorrow or everything will be worse.

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Emma198 · 10/10/2019 02:13

You can also email Samaritans [email protected].

It's good that you recognise how much your Mum loves you and how it would affect her if you weren't here.

Remember all situations in life are temporary and the problems you're experiencing won't be problems forever.

Chocolatethief · 10/10/2019 02:14

Your safety is more important than the meeting that can be rearranged and they might not section you there are different things they can do to help, do you have any support currently from mental health teams.

Original poster

ConfusedAndStressed95 · 10/10/2019 02:18

@Emma198, it doesn't feel like they are temporary. I try so hard all the time and I keep failing. I keep pushing myself and trying to do better and be better and I just can't. It always goes wrong and I'm always left alone.

@Chocolatethief, I won't kill myself or harm myself in any way tonight. I can't do that to my mum. Not now. She's going through a lot herself and this would finish her and I can't do that.

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Chienloup · 10/10/2019 02:22

It's okay. You're not alone, well done for reaching out here.
What can you do right now to bring yourself some comfort? Watch a favourite TV show you've seen before? Make a favourite drink? Go outside and breathe in the night air? Talk to us.

Chienloup · 10/10/2019 02:25

Are you medicated? I have suffered with my mental health all my life, but last time I tried to kill myself was in 2007, medication keeps me alive. Make an appointment to see your GP as soon as you can and explain these feelings to them, of you can't talk on the phone so someone (your mum?) to call on your behalf.

Original poster

ConfusedAndStressed95 · 10/10/2019 02:27

@posterChienloup, all my shows are on netflix and the wifi is out. I don't have enough data for screening. I could make a drink. I know being in my room in the state it's in is making everything feel worse but I can't muster up any willpower to fix it right now. I really need to find a file with my paperwork in for the meeting and I can't. I think I left it at my mums house last time I was there.

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Original poster

ConfusedAndStressed95 · 10/10/2019 02:28

@Chienloup I was medicated and then I had a massive reaction and had to stop taking them.

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Javagrey · 10/10/2019 02:29

So sorry you feel so low. It is good that you have been trying hard and know your mum loves you. Keep going. Things will get better.

WhatAMum01 · 10/10/2019 02:30

@ConfusedAndStressed95 I'm feeling like you tonight,very suicidal,but couldn't do it to my kids my husband and mum.ive been here before, we just need to know that tomorrow will feel less daunting, that whatever we are feeling isn't as big as we think right now, that actually everything doesn't always work out how we like but it's still ok,that we need to take a minute at a time.its ok,honest friend you will be ok,I will be ok.death is not worth more than us.

Chienloup · 10/10/2019 02:34

Leave the paperwork for now, no good comes from searching at 2.30am.

It took me several attempts to find the right medication for me, work Prozac being a particularly bad experience, but keep taking to your GP you will find the right one for you.

Original poster

ConfusedAndStressed95 · 10/10/2019 02:37

My GP is useless and will only prescribe Prozac which I can't have. I'm not looking for the paperwork right now. I'm sitting on my bed on my phone crying hugging a rather large soft toy stitch. I feel absolutely pathetic.

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WhatAMum01 · 10/10/2019 02:41

@ConfusedAndStressed95 please try sleep,just say to yourself theres nothing more I can do right now,I'm doing my best, I'm only human.im saying the same.xx

Quitedrab · 10/10/2019 02:41

Sometimes it's okay not to have all the paperwork. You can forward it later. I'm not sure about universal credit, but in other situations I've done that. Or they might be able to access it online if they have your permission, depending on what it is.

So don't worry too much. I'm sure this happens all the time, people not having paperwork lined up. The meeting will probably go more smoothly than you expect.

Rachelover60 · 10/10/2019 02:43

I am so sorry you feel like that, Confused. Life is so very hard sometimes, isn't it?

My hope is that this time tomorrow (or maybe not in the middle of the night but soon), you'll be back on here, it will all be over and you'll feel better.

Please try not to put unnecessary pressure on yourself, you say you keep trying, maybe it's time to be care free as far as possible.

You're not alone and will receive a lot of support on here. It's good to know your mum loves you and is supportive even if she doesn't completely understand you.

Original poster

ConfusedAndStressed95 · 10/10/2019 02:44

@WhatAMum01, Logically I know that I'm doing what I can. It doesn't help.

@Quitedrab, Universal Credit assessments are known for being harsh and uncaring of difficulties people have. God knows what it'll be like.

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Chienloup · 10/10/2019 02:45

You are not pathetic. Hold on to your Stitch tight, my son has one of those and they are great for snuggling into, so squishy and soft. Judging from your username I am considerably older than you and am currently in bed with an old teddy bear, as I have been to hospital this evening with my asthma and now can't sleep so am cuddling up in bed.

Where did you get your Stitch? Do you have any happy memories associated with him? Are you a big Disney fan?

Original poster

ConfusedAndStressed95 · 10/10/2019 02:47

@Rachelover60, if I'm not trying I don't do anything. I know I'm likely to be able to move forward and past this but I don't know when that'll be. If my claim is rejected I'll have to find someone to take over my tenancy here and move back in with my mum. I can't afford my rent without support.

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Original poster

ConfusedAndStressed95 · 10/10/2019 02:50

@Chienloup, I got him in when I was in Disneyland with my niece who is two months younger than me. We booked it so it fell on the week of her 22nd BDay and I booked the princess dinner for her as a birthday surprise. I love Disney, Stitch isn't my favorite character but I feel like I identified with both Lilo and Stitch as a child and probably now I suppose.

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Chienloup · 10/10/2019 02:55

Aww that sounds lovely. We had a great time at DLP last year. We are planning to go back in a few years time. Do you think you'd like to go back? Can you try to sleep now, revisit that trip in your head, all the little details. Your favourite rides and character meets, the food you ate, all the best bits. Close your eyes and relive those happy times.

Original poster

ConfusedAndStressed95 · 10/10/2019 03:00

@Chienloup, I would like to go back once I've got some money. Last time I went with the friends who seem to be dropping me so I'm unsure if I will. They may not be dropping me. I know one of them is having a hard time with uni and wants me to do this that or the other for her and doesn't get that just because I'm not at uni this year it doesn't mean that I haven't got my own things to do or worry about. I also think she is keeping a secret from me though I don't know what it could be. She knows I'd never judge her or share them with anyone so I don't know. I may ask her tomorrow and see whats up.

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Chienloup · 10/10/2019 03:11

It sounds like this friend really values your friendship, and you sound like a great friend as well as a very thoughtful aunty. We're not sure when we will be able to afford to go back either, but I love the planning almost as much as being there. If you can't get to sleep, why not have a look through Instagram at some of the #disneybound hashtags for a bit?

Top help you get to sleep, I really recommend 4-7-8 breathing. Breathe in for a count of 4 hold for 7, and then count to 8 as you breathe out. Repeat until you nod off. It really helps your mind and body to relax.

Original poster

ConfusedAndStressed95 · 10/10/2019 03:15

@Chienloup, thanks and Thank you to everyone else. I'm going to try to get some sleep now. I'll probably update after my meeting sometime.

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