Contemplating Suicide

[ConfusedAndStressed95]

Just that really, everything that could go wrong this year has gone wrong. And tomorrow I get to be scrutinized by Universal Credit assessors, I have no idea what that will entail and I'm terrified. My mum put some money into my account and all I want to do is use it to buy a plane ticket and get away. Or throw myself into the river. It's known for having people fall in and few would suspect that I've done it deliberately. Or take the many sleeping tablets that I have and just have it all be over.

My family situation is fucked. My mum loves me but has never understood me. My sisters don't like me at all and I think my friends are done with me, they seem like they don't want me around unless it's to their benefit and like they're keeping secrets. I can't get away from it because I live with one of them. If it wasn't for the fact it would kill my mother I'd end it now.

I need help and I keep reaching out and asking for help I'm getting nowhere. I can't call the Samaritans because I'm autistic and can't talk on the phone, and even if I could I wouldn't because I don't want my housemates to overhear.

Good luck OP! I hope it goes well tomorrow.

I hope today goes okay for you. Just remember, it's just an hour or of your whole life, you can get through it, and deal with the outcome later.

Hi all thank you so much for your support the other night. I don't think I've ever cried so much or had so much support when I've felt like that.
The meeting went well. I qualify for Universal Credit so I can pay my bills and buy food. They're going to help me write a CV and get some more support. I've also managed to smooth things over with one of my housemates who'd been funny with me. I think it was she was just awkward because we'd not seen each other in so long. But today she and I ended up snuggling while watching Disney movies to decompress from the last week.
After the meetings I had a fun evening of movies then board games with friends, then the same yesterday and today's been pretty chill which is good. I've also made some cheese straw dough and cookie dough ready to bake tomorrow before church for bible study on Monday which is great because I love baking and I've missed going to bible study.
One of my male friends has started acting oddly around me though, not in a bad way but he's taken to hugging me whenever he sees me and yesterday ran to my house from volunteering a few miles away so he could see me for 20 mins before he had to go pack to leave for a sports tournament over the Saturday and Sunday. Before he left he hugged me for far longer than normal reminded me a few times he'd not be able to see me tomorrow but he might be back in time for church but if he isn't he'd likely join us at the pub after and that he'd see me Monday at bible study and might come over after. I've known him nearly two years and never seen him daily so I'm not quite sure why he felt the need for that reassurance of when he'd see me next or why his behavior has changed, but he's an odd guy so I'm not going to question it.

That's so great! Thanks for letting us know.
I'm so glad it worked out for you.

You won't be sectioned if you go to a & e, unless you threaten to kill yourself if they don't admit you which is manipulative. If someone truly wanted to kill themselves they wouldn't tell anyone. Most people that get admitted to hospital these days are bipolar or schizophrenic, there are so few beds that feeling suicidal doesn't always get you admitted. Psychiatric hospitals are not therapeutic environments anyway.
Go to your GP tomorrow, they can refer you for therapy and give you medication if needed.

That's a great update OP. I'm so glad the meeting went well.

As for your friend, maybe he is just concerned for you? Have a good week. It sounds like you are keeping yourself buddy, which is great.