I’m sat here sobbing after drinking several tia marias... I don’t normally drink and haven’t drank in years. I had a drinking problem in my late teens/20’s and self medicated with alcohol.
I suffer from chronic depression for which I’ve been treated for and have been taking antidepressants for many years. On the whole they work well and hope me to function normally. I however have occasional meltdowns when things get too much for me. They are not very frequent but when they happen I’m not a nice person to be around. I know this and my family know this.
My 3 adult daughters also suffer with mental health issues; depression and anxiety in some form and I am very supportive and am there for them whenever they need me. They all occasionally have bad days and will snap on me and say very hurtful things and blame me for ‘giving them depression’ it breaks my heart when they say the things they do but I let it go.
This evening my dh has really wound me up and got me so upset, what was just a conversation I was trying to have with him regarding a birthday treat I’d arranged for him turned into a mega argument and I don’t know how or why he was going to great pains to try to scupper my plans for him 😳 my daughter is home from uni and came down stairs obviously hearing the sound of raised voices, heard some of the conversation and automatically jumps in with her opinion supporting dh.
Things just escalated and I felt as though I was being ganged up on and lost my temper when she said I wish I was at uni, I blurted out ‘well sod of back there and don’t come back’ 😦
She stormed up to her room to get her stuff and within a few minutes I was mortified at what I’d said. I ran upstairs to apologise in floods of tears and told her I was out of order and should never have spoke to her that way I didn’t mean it and she’s my world I love her so so much I don’t know what possessed me to say something so hurtful.
She just told me to go away and continued to pack and won’t speak to me. I’m in bits now, feel like a total fuckup and just want to run away and hide. After she told me to go away I just wanted to hurt myself but I reached for the alcohol instead to try to drown out my pain. I was so tempted to down a load of painkillers with it but I managed to fight the urge. I’ve been really low at points over the years and attempted suicide on a few occasions and tried to hurt myself but I’ve not felt this bad in years. The last time I felt this low was when my mum died suddenly 6 years ago.
I’m sat in the dark now mentally planning when and where I’m going to go, I just feel like I’m so useless and everyone would be happier if I wasn’t here 💔