To just want to get in the car and go...

[DestinyofDisaster]

I’m sat here sobbing after drinking several tia marias... I don’t normally drink and haven’t drank in years. I had a drinking problem in my late teens/20’s and self medicated with alcohol.

I suffer from chronic depression for which I’ve been treated for and have been taking antidepressants for many years. On the whole they work well and hope me to function normally. I however have occasional meltdowns when things get too much for me. They are not very frequent but when they happen I’m not a nice person to be around. I know this and my family know this.

My 3 adult daughters also suffer with mental health issues; depression and anxiety in some form and I am very supportive and am there for them whenever they need me. They all occasionally have bad days and will snap on me and say very hurtful things and blame me for ‘giving them depression’ it breaks my heart when they say the things they do but I let it go.

This evening my dh has really wound me up and got me so upset, what was just a conversation I was trying to have with him regarding a birthday treat I’d arranged for him turned into a mega argument and I don’t know how or why he was going to great pains to try to scupper my plans for him 😳 my daughter is home from uni and came down stairs obviously hearing the sound of raised voices, heard some of the conversation and automatically jumps in with her opinion supporting dh.

Things just escalated and I felt as though I was being ganged up on and lost my temper when she said I wish I was at uni, I blurted out ‘well sod of back there and don’t come back’ 😦

She stormed up to her room to get her stuff and within a few minutes I was mortified at what I’d said. I ran upstairs to apologise in floods of tears and told her I was out of order and should never have spoke to her that way I didn’t mean it and she’s my world I love her so so much I don’t know what possessed me to say something so hurtful.

She just told me to go away and continued to pack and won’t speak to me. I’m in bits now, feel like a total fuckup and just want to run away and hide. After she told me to go away I just wanted to hurt myself but I reached for the alcohol instead to try to drown out my pain. I was so tempted to down a load of painkillers with it but I managed to fight the urge. I’ve been really low at points over the years and attempted suicide on a few occasions and tried to hurt myself but I’ve not felt this bad in years. The last time I felt this low was when my mum died suddenly 6 years ago.

I’m sat in the dark now mentally planning when and where I’m going to go, I just feel like I’m so useless and everyone would be happier if I wasn’t here 💔

All of this from “sod off back to uni”?

Honestly, it’s a massive overreaction from everyone.

So everything has got on top of you recently. Is it just this evening that has caused you stress or has this been building up for some time?

Your daughter just needs some space right now. It sounds like she's aware that you suffer with depression so will know that you must be having a tough time.

How has communication been with your husband recently? Why did you think he was trying to scupper your plans?

Offering a handhold.
Everyone will feel calmer in the morning. Your DD will know you didn't mean it, honestly. No-one will be better off if you weren't here.
Can you talk to someone as you're feeling so bad? A friend?Samaritans? Keep posting here ofc.
What could distract you from these thoughts - book, Netflix?
If you're seriously at risk to yourself tonight, call your local mental health crisis line, 999 or go to A&E. If you can hang on, call your GP in the morning.

To be honest... I would probably have said the same in the circumstances, I really think this is a massive over reaction in her part.

Fancy that, she can be nasty but you just need to take it because if you respond in the same way she will be offended?

Don’t apologise, let her go.

report boyd0000a1 as spam will ya

Thank you for your replies everyone. I know it’s very late and tbh I’m surprised anyone is still awake ‘apart from me’ at this ungodly hour. Dd is still in her room and I can’t bloody sleep cos I feel so shit. In all honesty dh and I do struggle to communicate a lot of the time, in that I mostly keep my mouth shut so as not to make waves cos in most cases that I do say anything he tries to shit me down or tries to turn things into an argument. He’s very set in his ways, he’s not a big doer of anything unless it’s to do with his hobby. We’ve drifted apart over the years through one thing and another but I guess we do still rub along ok so long as don’t have much to say about anything, call him out on anything or generally have a moan about something he does or doesn’t do. But it’s a big birthday and I’ve been asking him for ideas of what he’d like to do over the past few months and he’s given me nothing to go on and just kept saying he didn’t know. So in the end I bought him a new tablet ‘his is a few years old’ and booked a posh restaurant that we’ve never been to bother but overheard him mention it a while ago.

I’m fine for months on end and can manage to deal with not so major issues in my own way without upsetting or hurting anyone. It’s just occasionally things seem to be just too much to cope with and I get upset frustrated and lose my temper. It really is horrible when it happens and makes me feel sick to my stomach, especially now I’ve upset my daughter more than anything.

I spend so much of me worrying about everyone else and trying to say the right thing so I don’t make things worse and I feel like everyone just expects me to keep everything together and be the perfect everything. It’s so draining. My dh is a dick at times for minimising how I feel or think so I stopped opening up and trying to talk to him and my Dc’s & dgc’s became my reason for carrying on

I just want to give you a handhold. I think your family are treating you like rubbish to be honest. Maybe you should stand firm on the sod off back to uni. She shouldn’t have got involved in the argument anyway. I have a feeling you’ve let everybody walk all over you over the years. Your husband sounds totally unsupportive. If it was me, I’d keep the tablet for myself and find a friend to go to the restaurant with. What’s the point of treating him if he acts like that towards you? Don’t engage with him. Have you thought that maybe your depression is due to a difficult/unsupportive marriage?

It all just feels so utterly ridiculous when I’m going over it again and again in my head and can’t think how the hell it ended up the way it did. It feels like a badly played soap opera and tbh if it was just my dh I wouldn’t be feeling any like as bad as I feel now. Upsetting my dd is what’s making me feel so crap and wanting to the floor to just swallow me up. It’s the telling her to sod off back to uni and not come back that keeps playing over in my mind that’s haunting me. I should never had said something so vile 😢😢

Dh can be a miserable git and I stopped buying him gifts a couple of years ago after years of being pissed of that I’d buy him things that would remain unused, unworn, still boxed and some still now with their wrappers on. Not cheap bits of shit either!!

He found out from our eldest dd that I’d booked a meal and was quizzing me this evening where we were going. I told him it was a surprise and he’d have to wait and see, he said he’d be driving so he needed to know. To which I replied I would be driving and jokingly said he’d have to wear a blind fold till we got there. He got all mardy saying he wasn’t gonna wear a fucking blindfold cos he didn’t trust me. At which point I was taken aback and asked why he didn’t trust me and what did he think would happen, conversation then just seemed to be blown out of all proportion until dd walked in and jumped in saying it was dhs birthday and stop making it all about me and forcing him to do something that he’s uncomfortable with.

It all went downhill from there 🙁

Please stop drinking, as that's something you've struggled with in the past and isn't a solution to your pain. Hot sweet tea, for the shock of the breach in your relationship with your daughter tonight (as well as the ungrateful reaction of your husband) would be more helpful. Try not to berate yourself, or feel guilty - we all say things we regret in the heat of the moment sometimes, often to the people we love. As you said earlier in your post, the children sometimes say hurtful things about your depression.

You've felt pushed away by your husband and your daughter has ganged up with him against you, so you've lashed out. Plenty of people would feel overwhelmed in that scenario and say something they later regret. You were already struggling to make yourself understood to your husband, and then your daughter took his side. Neither of them were thinking about your feelings, and it seems as though there may typically not be space within your family dynamics to reflect together on such flashpoints. That's difficult, it means that at times like this you're left with vulnerable feelings and an inordinate sense of responsibility for interpersonal conflict within your family.

Powerful feelings of dread around loss seem to be in play, as you mentioned that you had similar feelings when your mum died without warning. What has come up for you tonight is complex and you need to be aware that that's the case, so that you don't weigh in on yourself and make yourself feel bad. You need understanding and you haven't had it, so you're bound to feel vulnerable, but it might help to acknowledge this. Tell yourself that this crisis will pass (because it will, as hard as that might be to imagine right now), you'll find a solution when everyone has calmed down and had a chance to reflect on things in the clearer light of day. In the meantime, please make it your priority to keep yourself safe. Make that tea, or coffee, or a herbal or hot chocolate, and allow yourself to relax and wind down from the anxiety tonight's events have triggered in you.

Keep posting, if possible. You can be helped through this

Good grief, all of this for you saying "sod off back to uni and don't come back".

Major overreaction from your family. You apologised and that should be the end of it. I'm not surprised you want to run away, it sounds like your family aren't particularly supportive or understanding. It's that classic situation of everyone being allowed to fuck up a bit, except for mum. Mum has to take everyone's shit and be perfect all the time. It's bollocks but sadly it's a very common family set up. Your mistakes are worse than theirs.

@donethinkin thank you for your kind words. ... my counsellor from a few years ago thought my relationship or rather lack of with dh could be a big factor in my depression. However, I’ve struggled with it since my teens and self medicated with alcohol to a greater degree. On and off antidepressants until I found one that pretty much stabilised me most of the time. They help a lot but I know they make me pretty laid back and indifferent to most things. I don’t have the fiestyness in me that I once had and it takes a lot to push my buttons.

Dh complains that they’ve taken away my libido even though I’ve tried explaining to him many times it’s not the meds, I just don’t feel like my needs are met in any way shape or form and he barely shows me any attention let alone affection so I’m not in the giving frame of mind.

OP, just read your last two posts. It really feels like some very unresolved issues are operating in your marriage and your desperate attempts to please your husband while walking on eggshells with him were bound to have limited impact. There's a sense that something is trying to come to the surface in your family that hasn't been adequately addressed previously. Your husband is in his own world rather than confronting the difficulties, and chances are your daughter is aware to some extent that the apparent stability is tenuous and makeshift, not based on genuine communication about deep inconsistencies. Some indication of stalemate in your marriage, from what you've said, and when that's the case there's likely to be an ongoing tension that is vulnerable to storms and ruptures. Like tonight.

I'm sorry you're in such strained circumstances, but perhaps when things are calmer after this crisis you can think courageously about really addressing the dissatisfaction and resentment that seems to be there.

My dad told me to piss off out of the house if I hated it so much when I was whinging about being back at home.
I took the hump for a few days then got over it. Little snowflake will be fine op. Unless this child has had to deal with years of arguing and you self harming etc then I'm sure they'll be ok. They've not left. Just a bruised ego.
Get some sleep.
Your mood will be low tomorrow because of the alcohol so just remember to remind yourself that it's going to pass.

I'd look into therapy for a long term helping hand with your fluctuations and negative ruminations.

'Little snowflake will be fine op'.

Daughter has MH issues, like OP.

Your husband doesn't trust you? Fucking hell that's a big problem.
He sounds horrible.
And I don't think what you said to your daughter was that bad given it was in the middle of an argument and she says something stupid like I want to be at uni.
Pff I'd have said the same!

This is about sex right? He’s in a mood because he’s not getting sex? So his lack of communication skills flare up in this way. It doesn’t sound like a healthy relationship

I could be wrong but I pick up from your posts that you are floundering a bit to find any joy and feelings of achievement in your life and so it's harder to feel 'happy'.
I thought my family that I'd dedicated so much time to would make me happy. Their achievements did but I needed to find joy and satisfaction for myself, not through them appreciating or needing me, but through my own work, hobbies and friends.
My DH can be a misery, like yours. I needed to make a separate life of my own pleasures - this stopped the blaming arguments (as you have your own things and his mood is not on your mind or your problem). This means we run along ok (about 2 years down the line).
DH is being a misery, tell him you will cancel the meal if he wants - without making a dig eg might as well save the money, see if he wants to cancel and move on. You've tried your best let it go.
Imv so much stuff in long marriages is about grudges from the past. You could do some counselling to offload that.
Start working out things you would enjoy for yourself.

Hi Destiny,
We are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way, hoping that things seem a little more positive this morning.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

This is just a standard message, of course, Destiny, and no reflection whatsoever on you. It's also standard for us to move these kinds of posts to our Mental Health section, so we will also do that now.

Much love to you.

Hi OP how are you feeling this morning?

Having read your updates it sounds as though the relationship with your husband needs some work - which I'm sure you are aware! You've been to counselling yourself, would your husband be open to going with you? The medication your on clearly works but you and your family need to address the underlying issues of communication to stop it bubbling over again.

Have you managed to speak to your daughter?

Thank you to everyone for the messages of support, it really does mean a lot 💕

Well, I’ve got a hangover from hell today and been sick for the most part of it. I’m not doing that again!!

My dd went out early this morning before I woke up but had txt me to say she’d gone to her sisters and needed some space as she was still angry with me.

I’ve sent a long and in-depth txt to them all basically explaining that I have bad days like they do and asking for a bit of understanding the same as I give them when they’ve lashed out and said very hurtful things to me.

There are a lot of issues in my marriage some unresolved due to lack of communication from dh, so I guess I’ve tried burying them to avoid arguments if I attempt a discussion. Dh is very guarded and gives nothing away, if I query something he’ll just sit or stand staring at me without answering which is just frustrating so I gave up pushing for answers a long time ago for my own sanity.

I know a lot is expected of me but I also put a lot on myself, I take care of everyone’s needs, ensure appointments are made for everyone, medications are ordered and collected. I do the lions share of the house work etc etc. It’s something I’ve always done since the dc where little and I still do it now. I buy the majority of what everyone wants and often things thing don’t particularly need but I enjoy spoiling them. I’ve bought the majority of nursery items and clothes etc for all my gc. For the past few years I’ve taken one of them on holiday each year. 2 yrs ago I took my youngest to France for her 18th, last year my middle dd and my gs and this year is my eldest and my gd. I adore them all deeply and it gives me joy to treat the people I love and care about. But then I beat myself up and become sad when I see people don’t appreciate what I’ve done or bought them ... I know that’s my issue and I need to deal with that myself.

My dh never wants to go anywhere, I’ve suggested multiple break idea but he’s only seems to like one particular place and we’ve visited it so many times over the years I know it inside out and feel it would be nice to do/go somewhere else for a change.

Anyway, I’ve phoned and self referred myself back to counselling and will await an appointment; 6-12 weeks wait apparently. But at least I’m on the list.

Your life seems to revolve around everyone else - gifts/ holiday treats/ medication / housework . But nothing for you! It means your happiness depends on their response, their gratitude and appreciation . Why do this? Do nice things for you. Visit friends, have a weekend away, treat yourself to a shopping day- do you know what would make you happy ( something that doesn't rely on others being grateful).