Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

Original poster

I'm not coping well with newly seperated dh...

71 replies

lunavix · 13/08/2007 20:51

And I'm worried it's all me.

We seperated on the 1st, and he moved out briefly then moved back in. He seems to be alternating with trying to get back with me and just verbally abusing me. He's told everyone that we've seperated (so I can only assume he knows I mean it) but I suspect he's told everyone I'm having some kind of mental breakdown, judging by both their treatment of me and things he's said.

He's always been quite controlling, I've posted about it for years, and I've been unhappy for some time. He's bringing up all my flaws and faults and I'm struggling coping with it I'm really worried it's true, as it's things people have said about my mum as well. I've read letters to her from other people (she died on monday last week) particularly an ex who picked on her flaws similar to my dh.... I'm scared I've turned out like her

OP posts:
fawkeoff · 14/08/2007 18:14

do not let him try to turn all this around on you.He is just trying to bully you into thinking his way and make u stay with him.Bollox to his family or anybody else,as long as you stay determined for yourself and your children aren't suffering then thats all that counts.

Original poster
lunavix · 14/08/2007 18:16

fawkeoff - thanks, and thanks for all your advice on my other threads.

Housing around here is a big issue, it basically works out as - you turn up with your bags at the council offices, they stick you in a b&b over 90 miles away for a month (I don't drive!) then they stick you (no matter how many kids) in a one bed flat for up to two years, then will grant you some kind of house if one comes free.

I'm a childminder so this means I'll have to give up work (so no money ) and it's going to be really hard as I don't drive - how the hell do you get your kids plus all your stuff to a b&b with no car???? plus I'm worried he'll get custody as I = homeless.

OP posts:
harman · 14/08/2007 18:16

Message withdrawn

Original poster
lunavix · 14/08/2007 18:19

We own the house together, it's on an interest only mortgage, we've barely had it five minutes and it's not worth what we paid. His parents paid the deposit so we have no money due from selling it (and they don't want us to sell) and neither of us can afford to live in it alone.

However, judging by what he has (and hasn't) said I think he wants to live in it with the kids and rent out the third room to afford it. That's his plan.

The weird thing is, yesterday he told me he'd give me 20% in maintenance - he told me I'd need to think about how much I want off him!!! Although he did try teling me he earns £250 less a month then I know he does But he's still adamant he wants to get back together too! After all this! My god how stupid would I need to be.

OP posts:
AnAngelWithin · 14/08/2007 18:21

is he still living with you at the moment?

Original poster
lunavix · 14/08/2007 18:22

yes.. he moved out for 5 blissful days, but on the 6th my mum died and he moved himself back in. So a week and a bit of him shouting abuse at me, and him going out every night drinking (he's never gone out much before, bitched that he wanted to though!) and shouting more after.

OP posts:
fawkeoff · 14/08/2007 18:23

well ring cab and see where u stand on making him leave.....if his parents are on his side so much, let him move back in with them.i really think you should put ur name down with the council...you dont have to move anywhere if u dont want to...if u want t get hold of ur local councils phone number i will phone them for tomorrow if u want and get all the info and post it here for u

AnAngelWithin · 14/08/2007 18:23

you need to ring you local council/housing association and explain the situation. You tell them that he is emotionally bullying you and that you and the children cannot keep living with him. At the worst, they will put you in a hostel or a bed and breakfast for a while til they get a houe.

please hun, you can't go on like this.

Original poster
lunavix · 14/08/2007 18:24

Don't get me wrong, he's kinda helped me too... he drove me down when my mum died, and took me back for the funeral, and hes meant to be helping this weekend sort out her flat. But he also seems to believe he's due half (half my portion, obviously) of any money she's left behind (which I doubt is much of significance) and he's very interested in helping sort out her finances.

OP posts:
harman · 14/08/2007 18:24

Message withdrawn

fawkeoff · 14/08/2007 18:25

He hasnt got a friggin leg to stand on as far as full custody is concerned....the courts would be well chuffed with him renting the room out to a stranger who could be a bloody criminal...he's definately not thought that through the complete nob ed.

Original poster
lunavix · 14/08/2007 18:28

I've rung cab, the guy was an idiot. He babbled on about relate and counselling for ages (I'd already told him we'd been there and more) and then when I asked about tax credits he had to hang up and phone them to ask -sigh- then phoned me back and said 'you may be eligible, here's their number!'

fawkeoff - thanks.... I phoned already and got told I had to go in person which is why I'm going monday, the first day I have with no childminding kids, but thank you soooo much for offering it's really kind.

anangelwithin - thanks, I know I need to do something... I'm so scared of losing the kids I look after but I guess I may have to run the risk else I'll probably lose sanity instead...

poor parents... first I get pregnant, then I move miles away, then my mum dies, then we seperate, now I'll have to move... I'll get a reputation as the childminder who always has something going on lol

OP posts:
fawkeoff · 14/08/2007 18:28

well dont let him help with sorting her finances out, but if she has left u somem money it would be a fab oppurtunity to look into private accomodation, you could pay for the bond and months rent then u would get help with the rent off the housing, some houses even take a bond off the housing

Original poster
lunavix · 14/08/2007 18:29

harman - I imagine divorce in the future but it's not something I'm worried about now, I'm more thinking of current situation.

I would stay in the house, but the mortgage payments are really high. I can just about (with tax credits etc) afford half. If he moved out he definately couldn't afford half + rent elsewhere, I know it's strictly not my problem, but I know he couldn't.

OP posts:
fawkeoff · 14/08/2007 18:30

dont worry about it luna it must be awfu not having some real support at the moment, just want to help as much as i can x

Original poster
lunavix · 14/08/2007 19:08

thanks

OP posts:
tyeanddye · 15/08/2007 14:46

Luna,please...contact womensaid...i was where you are up until very recently...and im just peeping back over the fence at the horror story my life was living with my exe,i also have posted for a long time on mn.
my exe never actually hit me...but was a bully in a similar vein to yours.

tyeanddye · 15/08/2007 14:52

Luna...have we chatted before?

Original poster
lunavix · 15/08/2007 20:17

I'm not sure... would it have been recently? Did you have a different nickname?

Sorry I'm not good at remembering stuff

Did you post a lot on your problems? Was it recently? it may have been one of my many previous rounds of problems with dh (if you do a search on my nick I have a number of posts... all with deleted messages cos I was terrified of him finding them ) but I'm not sure.... I really appreciate your help. He's tried for so long to cut me off from people, I feel like I have to be brave to try and be social and make friends again. It's terrifying. I only moved here (his hometown) for him too.

OP posts:
tyeanddye · 15/08/2007 20:50

ive chatted to someone before with very similar problems to yours..and mine...
she and i have both deleted loads of posts because of being watched constantly by dh.
My post is held at the post office for example...or hes in it.
Dont worry about it,
Lunavix,the book i mentioned before....i read it with a false cover glued on it,hidden in my house,
As i said before...im now free from living with him...but have recently added to an older support thread because i discovered today that he smashed my sons camera.
Violent and abusive behaviour does not have to include cuts and briuses...not visible ones that is.

Original poster
lunavix · 15/08/2007 20:53

they'll hold your mail????? man I need that I'm on my third load of tax credits forms...

it might have been me... maybe. I'll try and get that book when I get some cash, I have nothing at the moment... yet he's out everynight and I have no idea how???

I never thought I'd feel this strong, but so lonely...

OP posts:
tyeanddye · 15/08/2007 20:57

try your library sweetie,it will cost you 85p or thereabouts to track that book,
the post office will charge you nothing to hold your mail for you.
Have you spoken to womensaid?or your health visitor?

Original poster
lunavix · 15/08/2007 21:01

we've got a new health visitor as we changed surgery, I stopped seeing her as she thought I was starving dd (she's skinny)

I'll contact womensaid, and ask a friend to find me that book at the library (h ran up £40 of fines on me and ds's account saying he'd returned books he hadn't so i can't go back until I have £40)

OP posts:
tyeanddye · 15/08/2007 21:01

www.womensaid.org.uk
if hes out,read the site then clear your history?theres a section on what constitutes domestic violence,and it by no means is restricted to physical assault.

tyeanddye · 15/08/2007 21:04

ok,stick with us on here...we are free,after all......mumsnet helped me move forward,even depressed as i was....i managed to leave him,with 4 kids,i left my house,and sold it.
You are not alone sweetheart...x