I’ve reached the end of my tether

[lostthepoint]

After a very tough 7 weeks I think I’ve reached my end. I can’t help but feel terrified all the time. I know something bad will happen soon, that’s all that ever does these days. Can’t eat or sleep anymore, too scared for something bad to happen. All I get is nightmares about what happened to my mum, I feel so guilty for not being there when it all kicked off. Everything has seemed to settle down now but I know something bad will happen soon. Can’t help but feel everything would work out if I wasn’t here to fuck everything up all over again

When you’re not eating or sleeping, and having so much stress, it’s time to see a doctor.
Can you say what happened?
Do you have any children?
Do you have any helpful friends?

I have seen a doctor and I’m under the mental health team. I’m having counselling atm but haven’t found it very helpful. Basically there was a series of bad things happening which led to my mum being diagnosed with a brain tumour and needing surgery over a short time. No children, have a couple of supportive friends but I don’t want to bother them as they’re also dealing with a lot in their lives

Just your mom’s surgery would be a lot to deal with!
How is she doing now?
Are you thinking something else is going to happen to her? Or to you?
I’m glad you’ve seen a doctor. Do you think a different counselor might be able to help you more?

She seems almost back to normal which the consultant said is a miracle given that surgery was a couple of weeks ago and very invasive.

I’m scared that something will happen to her again- they said the tumour wasn’t cancerous but I know they’re wrong. I just know it is/was cancer, and everything will get much much worse. I’m scared that something will happen to her again or they don’t see the cancer and she might die (they did say if mum didn’t have surgery it would get bigger and eventually explode).

I get headaches a lot and always have which now has made me think that it might happen to me soon. Or I might get cancer (mum had cancer when I was 3).

I don’t know how but I just know that someone in my family (whether it’s my mum, dad, or 8 year old brother) will get badly ill. I don’t know how to explain it I just know but there’s nothing I can do about it.

I don’t think seeing a different counsellor would “help” more, I’m on my third counsellor and this one seems the best

Have you done some research on what they said it is and what you think it is? If it was cancer before, I can see how you’d be worried. You might even be right.
Sometimes doctors make mistakes. But there is more than one professional involved in a patient’s diagnosis/treatment/care. Do you think her follow-up (tests, appointments, etc.) is inadequate?

I hope your doctors are taking your headaches seriously- even though they’re often related to allergies, hormones, stress, etc. Doctors do watch for certain symptoms.
How scary for you.

They said they haven’t seen anything like it in 22 years. All they know is that it isn’t cancerous. The doctors are seeing her again later this month for scans to make sure it doesn’t grow back.

Last time my mum had cancer it was breast cancer so obviously different but still keep thinking it’s cancer. Even though she had cancer 12 years ago I still can’t help but worry non stop.

Normally I do tend to get stress/panic attack related headaches (and from lack of sleep or too much caffeine-should try to sleep but I don’t want to have another nightmare and can’t stop overthinking) but it might just be that because of everything that’s happening I’m just overanalysing things and thinking too much about it. To be honest I never thought anything of them before.

Does she know you think it is cancer again, or are you carrying the weight of this by yourself?

I haven’t told her that I think it is. I don’t know how to talk to her anymore, don’t want to get too attached just in case

I am currently working on this

It hasn’t happened to me yet, but it must be terribly painful when someone’s mother dies.

You two don’t talk about things at all?

Oh, that is good information! Has it helped a bit?

Thank you for adding that @Laterthanyouthink it’s helpful.

My mother and I do talk a bit eg how the day was, what plans we have for the weekend but never about her conditions (we’ve spoken a handful amount of times about her cancer in the past 12 year) and we never tended to discuss negative things as I find it hard to talk about. I found it easier to talk to my dad about her previous cancer and my MH problems, as my mother and I didn’t get on well before everything happened

Were there big conflicts (that maybe you now regret), or just ongoing differences? Either way- that stuff does fit in the “memories” section of the info that Later posted.

It’s been a mixture of both, there has been a couple of big ones (eg threatening to run away because I couldn’t handle life with mum a couple of years ago) and lots of small ones too

No idea how I’ll survive the day; couldn’t sleep last night and now I’m more anxious than usual. I don’t know why I am, but can’t stop overthinking and thinking the worst.

Its so important to talk this through.

Do you have the opportunity to have go to any of your DMs follow up appts? You could ask the consultant yourself. Would that convince you?

What would you need to happen in for you to relax about this? What would you need to hear and from whom?

An aunt of mine collapsed suddenly, twice, second time she was literally taken straight to mri and theatre because of a large and deep brain tumour.

They removed it, after the op she couldn't move and they didn't know if she would ever fully recover.

Its taken years, but she has! She is better. It was a specific type of tumour that was very slow growing, non-malignant, and she could have had it from childhood they said.

Its gone.

Shes fine, and just has routine check ups.

Certain types of illness do have genetic links, but you can only know if this applies to you from asking directly. Then, if there's no genetic link, you can rest easy for anyone else, or indeed yourself.

In the meantime do all you actively can to relax, even things like directing the hot shower on your shoulders and top of your back can help a lot to easing tension headaches. Getting some regular daily exercise, and learning to relax your body.

Hopefully now you have at least a better counsellor you can also find good ways to get through the extreme anxiety around this. To move to a calmer place of understanding and acceptance.

Is there any time in your day for a nap?

Depends on date and timings of appointment as to whether I’ll be able to go or not. I don’t know if hearing anything would make me be able to relax easier, unless my suspicions were confirmed so that treatment could start earlier, before it’s too late.

We had the genetic testing for breast cancer a few years ago and there is no gene, although quite a few family members on DM’s side have had it.

I know it’s gone but there’s no saying that it won’t grow back, or there’s some remaining fluid/cancerous cells that they missed. FWIW, they weren’t entirely sure about releasing DM (last Tuesday) as she failed a couple of cognitive tests, which does make things worrying. But then again, DF has hardly left her side and she does seem to be able to perform some simple tasks (making a fancy coffee, breakfast etc).

Occupational therapist is visiting tomorrow.

Had a very hectic day so feeling shit right now, constantly on edge. Didn’t have time for a nap today as it was busy, but tomorrow is due to be less busy (hopefully)

Can you access some kind of genetic counselling?

I hope you are having a calmer day today.

I guess noone can know that they are not developing a life threatening condition, and it is particularly hard if the prospect of that happening to a parent or someone equally close, has arisen.

The 'scare' of that reality can take some a long timd to recover from, and I'm sure would often need some supportive counselling/therapy to recover from, particularly if there have been other incidents that have rocked your world.

It could be that you have never intellectually challenged or entertained the possibility of a parents death up to that point and the shock hit home hard.

Either way, from what you've said, she's a very good chance of recovery.

I really hope you can recover along with her, as you see for yourself her growing strength and health.

I wonder how she manages this threat to her own life for herself and how she views the rest of her life?

Whether she might just be hugely relieved to have come through alive and be glad to greet each new day without this hanging over her any more?

It could be very beneficial for you to listen to her attitude of her own mortality after her experience.

This will never get better.

The doctors aren’t picking up on the cancer so they won’t be able to cure it.

Maybe you should tell her you believe the doctors are making a mistake.

I don’t know how to. She seems to be getting better so I don’t want to stress her out. But at the same time she doesn’t seem better if that makes sense?

It doesn’t seem like talking about it would cause much, if any, additional stress. She has had a lot of medical situations & time to think about the what-ifs.
You know your situation best.
If you were my daughter, I would want you to tell me you thought there was still a problem.

I guess I could try to talk to her about it, but then despite fact that most of my life has been focused around my mums health issues (first had cancer when I was 3) I have found it hard to talk about it. I’ve spoken to my therapist about this and she’s suggested contacting Macmillan to talk to counsellors who are more experienced with family members of cancer might help