I’ve reached the end of my tether

[lostthepoint]

After a very tough 7 weeks I think I’ve reached my end. I can’t help but feel terrified all the time. I know something bad will happen soon, that’s all that ever does these days. Can’t eat or sleep anymore, too scared for something bad to happen. All I get is nightmares about what happened to my mum, I feel so guilty for not being there when it all kicked off. Everything has seemed to settle down now but I know something bad will happen soon. Can’t help but feel everything would work out if I wasn’t here to fuck everything up all over again

I’m just scared that I’ll have an emotional outburst in front of her when I try to talk to her about it. I had one earlier and just screamed and couldn’t stop. I don’t think she would be ready to talk to me in case something goes wrong eg outburst or panic attack

I don't know how much you could have understood at that age. Do you remember having idea of what could happen?
You sound now like the whole experience must have been absolutely terrifying for you, hence it still is now as you've never been able to confront or deal with it.

It doesn't help you any to be so distressed and yes, it really would make sense to reach out to MacMillan as they are used to all kind of reactions and very skilled at heloing with grief and any questions.

You have been hanging onto this for too long and deserve some relief and closure finally.

Yes, screaming might unnecessarily stress her.

So beginning with your earliest memories, she has always been sick, might get sick again, or possibly dying soon. That is a lot for a child to handle.
It seems like you would always be expecting bad news again any minute.

I remember feeling scared for most of the time back then. Recently she was in the same hospital as she was back then and all the memories keep coming back.

FWIW, my MH has been declining a lot over the past 2 years and in June I almost attempted suicide. What if the stress of all my problems is what caused my mums tumour? Or if whatever the tumour was (nothing like it has been seen in 22 years) was actually the bleed on her brain turning into a blood clot that turned into a tumour after she hit her head in the car crash (found out about this after a RTC), again could’ve been prevented as I was going to go with her that one time

OP, it sounds like you’re suffering from intense health anxiety, which isn’t surprising if you’ve experienced your mum being very sick from a young age. But that certainty that someone is going to get seriously ill is the anxiety, not reality. It can seem that way if someone does become sick, but that can happen to any of us at any time so there’s more likelihood of someone you know getting sick than not. Then that convinces you that your feelings are right, and the cycle continues.

Have you been offered CBT rather than basic talking therapies? Sounds like it could benefit you a lot, as these thought patterns can be really overwhelming. Are you on any medications for anxiety?

The tumour removes from your mum’s brain will have been analysed / biopsied. If what your mum had was unusual then they’re likely to have done even more tests. This is why it might be helpful to attend a follow up with her, if she agrees - to hear that these checks have been done and the tumour was benign.

This is where the anxiety is hinged, yoir feelings of guilt, when youbhave no control over your DMs or any other person's illness.

It is all also completely understandable that you would react this way after all the stress youbwere under growing up feeling scared.

Please do speak to the MacMillan support. Talk this through so you can see where you as a child felt and how this has affected tue way youbare struggling now.

Please don't blame yourself for your DMs illness. I'm sure she wouldn't want this, and you are not to blame. Please take care.

DM and my therapist are talking to Macmillan to see if I qualify because her files say she doesn’t have cancer (even though I’m sure she does..she got a cold I’m sure it’s something to do with the cancerous cells/or tumour growing back).

Date and timing for the follow up appointments have come through at least, I will be attending those appointments.

Therapist has referred me to a psychiatrist to look into antidepressants for me. Should hopefully hear back on that tomorrow. I don’t know how medication will help though, I’ve been this way for years (feeling depressed approx 5 years, anxiety/SH 2 years). The demons keep coming back and I’m tempted to let them win this time

Good to hear you know dates & times and are planning to attend appointments. Maybe you can take a list of questions.

It might be good to try medication. Sometimes the right one can make a big difference. Keep an open mind when you talk to the psychiatrist.

This sounds really good OP. Both that your DM and therapist are trying hard for you, but also that you are speaking to them about it.

If you get the right meds it can stabilise your mood significantly so that you are able to access therapy.

Really hoping this all comes through for you.

Already started preparing the list of questions. Seeing the psychiatrist in early/mid November.

Things keep getting worse again though. DM’s getting like the way she was in the weeks leading up to surgery. Everyone thinks my MH is getting better, but in reality I’m worse than I’ve ever been. Finally gotten good at hiding it

Well, everybody (shopkeepers, people who have been unkind, etc.) doesn’t need to know about your mental health, but you can tell your psychiatrist anything. I hope you’ll speak freely at your November appointment.

Sorry you’re feeling worse than ever.

Lostthepoint can you explain in what way your DM is becoming more like she was leading up to her surgery?

You do need an outlet, what day to day support are you getting? Someone you can let this out to? Theres nothing wrong with managing your MH well (or hiding it as you call it) but you do need an outlet. How has the Macmillan discussions progressed?

Sending you strength and hope for your recovery

Before the surgery DM was getting confused, walking a lot slower than normal, taking a bit longer than normal to understand. Friends and DDad think that she’s fine and normal again, but she really doesn’t seem it to me. But then again, what is normal? She’s had illnesses for pretty much as long as I can remember ffs.

I will be speaking with a nurse at Macmillan at some point when i get a chance. I’ve gotten to the point where I can’t get out of bed. I’ve been signed off for the next two weeks.

Today we were at the hospital for a check (I didn’t need to be there—but felt I needed to be). I had an anxiety attack for almost the whole time we were there- felt like I couldn’t breathe, the typical symptoms I get with them.

Went past some of the wards and everything has changed—I think this has helped me accept closure on what happened but at the same time I know that soon DM will end up back there, in that ward. Or maybe even the ICU one, because they’re still not treating the cancer.

I started fluoxetine on Tuesday, started on 10mg and upping to 20mg next week to help reduce side effects. Haven’t noticed any difference yet, although I felt almost “normal” for about 5 minutes.