I have a long history of mental health problems, that I've never really received much help for to be honest. But I had some counselling from camhs when I was a teenager and a few counselling sessions when I was in my late teens. I tried to get some counselling when my eldest was 12 months but I was put on a waiting list for a year then missed the phone call (My phone was being repaired, by the time I'd got the voicemail I'd missed my opportunity and would have had to wait another year at least - back to the bottom of the list), I was classed as in crisis when assessed. Now I have a 3 month old and things are bad, I've started self harming again and I fantasize about killing myself every day, I have a plan I know how I'd do it the only thing that stops me is my baby won't take a bottle.
She is exclusively breastfed and will starve herself rather than take a bottle so even if by some miracle I could get counselling I couldn't go because nobody will look after her. I've told my doctor how I'm feeling and I wasn't even offered anti-depressants so I don't think he even believes me when I say how bad things are.
I don't know where to turn to help, I have no childcare, no support at home (my partner refuses to even listen to how I feel), I live in a shit hole because my baby still feeds every hour for ages at a time and my partner does nothing at all in the home. I have to feed and care for our elder daughter as well who is playing up because she wants attention that I can't give her. I am trapped in a situation that I can't see any way out of and I can't even see how to access help.
I'm terrified of what I'll do, I don't want to leave my children because I don't want to hurt them - and I don't believe that they're father is capable of taking care of them due to the fact that he can't even take care of himself.