Anxiety is eating me alive

[SpecialKRocks223]

I've always been a worrier, a stress head, an overthinker. Even as a child. I remember watching a documentary when I was really little (8?) about a girl with a hole in her heart and I worried for days incase I had one too. I remember being in year 3 and crying my eyes out at school because it was raining torentially outside and what were we going to do if there was a great flood because we didn't have an ark! I shit you not. People who are really close to me (my parents and partner) know what I'm like and reassure me constantly over things I get stressed about but the majority of my friends and (I think) colleagues think I'm cool and confident. I've no idea why, I don't try and fake it.

Over the past couple of years it's gotten worse and it's becoming a real problem. It's started to affect my speech, I trip over my words and have to correct myself, I think this is because I monitor what I'm saying too much and therefore make mistakes because of the scrutiny I put myself under. It's not a natural flow if you know what I mean. I try so hard to be perfect so when I'm not - which of course I never am - I have complete internal meltdowns thinking how much of an embarrassment everyone thinks I am. I believe most acquaintances like colleagues and neighbours dislike me although I do have good friends. I try to be a laugh around them as I don't like discussing my issues in real life.

I feel as though I'm locked in a cage of anxiety and it's stopping me from being who I should really have been. I feel like there's a thin film or screen covering me and it's like I can't hear people properly or communicate properly. Like I'm in a world of my own. I hate being on the phone at work because it's open plan, I have to use my voice and I've no confidence with it at all. I feel like everyone is listening and laughing inside or cringing about how much of a twat I sound. If a customer is asking me for assistance I feel a wave of panic sweeping over me and even though it's something I know how to do I struggle to articulate it properly and I just want to get away from them. I'm absolutely shit at my job and can only hide my complete lack of people skills for so long. At some point for various reasons I might have to get a new job and I feel like I'm going to have to do something very basic and take a massive pay cut (I earn £25k not loads but plenty for me. Small mortgage, childless and in the North) because I don't think for a minute I could have the confidence to cope with anything more. I feel terrified about my future.

I wish I could burst this abscess of anxiety and just get rid of it and be a happier, healthier and more positive person. I'm SO negative and bitter. My temper is terrible and it's only getting worse. Anger is my reaction to everything and I feel like other people are always there to make my life difficult, be it a cashier serving me too slow, other drivers, neighbours etc. I fly off the handle on a regular basis. I can't get through a sentence without using a stream of obsceneties. Not at work obviously. Next door are selling their house and I've already convinced myself the buyers are going to be total bastards and I'll end up in some legal battle with them over something they're going to bully me into. I have very little tolerance or faith towards anyone. I'm a huge introvert and need to spend a lot of time to myself so that probably doesn't help because I have so much time to think. I imagine all sorts of scenarios and worry over the worst possible outcome. I wasted a good ten years of my youth convinced I'd caught HIV from a scumbag boyfriend.

I feel like I just want to curl up into a ball somewhere. The feeling of just wanting to be left alone gets stronger and stronger all the time but I'm only 35 so I know unless I win the lottery I have to carry on.

Two friends had a fall out recently and one of them phoned me to rant about it. I disagreed with what she was saying but instead of telling her calmly that I thought she was wrong like I probably would have in the past I just felt my heart hammering and voice shaking because I felt scared by it all. Pathetic.

This should be a happy time for me because this year I bought my first house and it's something I've aimed for for years, but I just can't enjoy it because I'm constantly worried about being landed with a huge repair bill, or the house catching fire or getting into a dispute. I've posted on here about so many things from woodworm to leaks to subsidence to a wall not being perfect, I've changed my name each time because I'm embarrassed everyone will know it's the same person and that I am a fruit loop.

I don't walk around with a snarl or anything, I've got a good sense of humour and I love to have a laugh and just act like a twat, I just feel if there's a battery inside us that we need fully charged in order to have confidence, use our social skills and just deal with life and the people in this world mine is utterly, utterly dead.

I also suffer with extreme misophonia and I absolutely hate noise, to the point I've wondered if I'm autistic. I was on a train recently and someone opened a bag of doritos. I could have jumped head first out of the window.

I tried to phone a number I was given by my GP to get some therapy but they never phoned me back. I feel like I'll have this cloud of doom over me forever. I don't know why I'm putting this on here. I do like to write things down, maybe I'm hoping at least one person can relate.

Thanks for reading x

Just me then 🙈

Get ye back to the GP, let the GP read your post; pursue the CBT that will be offered. Keep ringing until you get an appointment. Then sign up for beginniner meditation and keep going to beginner meditation for a long time. I shit you not - it gets this fucker under control.

My heart goes out to you. It’s a real skill learning to manage anxiety rather than it managing you. You will get there. 🌈💐

Poor you. Awful. I have similar and getting worse as I get older. Sometimes I think this modern life does not help these things. I wish I could have lived 200 years ago, on a little smallholding just growing veg and selling it at a market. No open plan offices, or bitchy colleagues, or six monthly performance reviews. No angry drivers to contend with each day etc etc. But there would have been other things to get anxious about I'm sure. Anyway - not helping here, am I? Interested in what Taff says. Probably need to do it myself before I get to the stage where I can't leave the house for fear of other people.

Thanks yes it's horrible x

I think I'm like you but to a lesser degree. I also trip over my words sometimes, when I start to think about what people are thinking about what I'm saying or how I'm saying it. I also spent huge chunks of my childhood panicking about anything random that happened, and I would blow it out of proportion. Due to an accident where some of my hair got caught in my school bag handle, which fell off the table and therefore pulled a small amount of it out, I still at the age of 42 have massive paranoia about going bald. It's not reasonable, but you can't help it. Counselling is really the only thing I think to help this. I am so much better now than I used to be. It'll always be there (and I can see it in my 12 year old son which is a worry) but I encourage him to talk about his worries, no matter how silly they sound to him, or how many times he repeats them.

What are you actually doing in an attempt to combat all of this?

At the minute, nothing. Mainly because I'm so pessimistic I don't think there is a solution and this is just the way I am.

I was the same if not worse, then I had a child and it started to seriously effect my ability to be a parent so I had CBT after an awful episode where I had the police involved. I realised it was controlling my life and I couldn't cope anymore so I started CBT and I can honestly say it is the best thing I have ever done in my life. I am a different person now. I still have anxiety obviously but I can control IT instead of the other way round.

I have got the ball rolling for a CBT course. They are phoning me to assess next week. I really hope it helps me x

Hope you find it helps . I'm in a similar situation , my anxiety is really making life dull and joyless. It's a recent thing , probably within the last year . No history of it previously it has seem to caught up with me. You said about being locked in a anxiety cage that rings true as does the issue with noises though maybe it's milder for me. I've started going to a support group which has helped with me feeling of being burnt out and taking a step back but it's brought to the front my anxiety which feels worse now. Possibly I had been diving into work and other stuff to try and push away the anxiety. Not sure where to go from here . Apologies for the thread hijack .

Pick - no apologies needed I hope you're okay x

I have okayish days and not so good days , I do the best I can with the children . I hope I can get to back where I was before my brain somehow got messed up.

We are extremely similar, my anxiety and panic attacks have not been helped by counselling, medication, exercise, meditation, supplements, hypnotherapy and literally dozens of other things like cat. If you want to pm me to chat please do as I have no one around who understands how extreme this can be. I have spoken to Samaritans, which was useless, I literally don't know where to turn, I am always unsettled, eve though I have a lovely home, constantly wanting to move, I have done this a few times hoping it would help.

That sounds tough , have you always had this level of anxiety ?

Yes pretty much had this since I was 5, due to living with parents who rowed and smashed up the house. I felt terrorised as a child and it has always left me feeling unsafe in the world.

That is so incredibly difficult , I do hope you find something that works.

I've had a mixed few days , today better so far than yesterday. I've referred myself for some therapy not sure when as there is a waiting list but it's a start.

I understand completely, I was an anxious child (not helped by my parents) now I’m an anxious adult. CBT has helped and I must drive my partner mad! My anxiety is off the scales right now. We are about to go on a big holiday involving long flights, flight changes, and a language barrier (Japan, China) I’m in a terrible state and just don’t want to go, I’ve been worrying since we booked it and my anxiety is getting worse and worse the closer we get to going. I know I’m overthinking, I know I’m catastrophising but i can’t help it. I’ve even wished something would happen just so I don’t have to go and it won’t be my fault.

So sorry OP and everyone else with anxiety.
I also had horrible anxiety. What's helped is exercise, the Headspace app, counselling and Prozac. I am now 98% free of anxiety and life is 100% better. Don't hold back - go out and find the life you deserve, not the cage you're in.

Yes , I've started exercising regularly and been referred hopefully for some sort of counselling . It's still early days mind.

Pickpick - I hope you're okay. I had my phone call, I thought I'd just breeze through it and answer a few questions but as soon as she asked me how I was feeling I was in floods of tears. I didn't expect that. I'm having my first one to one therapy in 6 to 8 weeks x

I'm okay today , weekend was a bit off and on , well more off. I've 2 weeks till my telephone appointment then see what they say. Hope everyone else it doing well.

Special K
I've had the odd moment where someone asks how you are and I've nearly gone , I hope the councilling goes well .

This made me cry. I have never felt so understood.

@SpecialKRocks223

Pickpick - I hope you're okay. I had my phone call, I thought I'd just breeze through it and answer a few questions but as soon as she asked me how I was feeling I was in floods of tears. I didn't expect that. I'm having my first one to one therapy in 6 to 8 weeks x

Well done for allowing yourself to cry on the phone call to the therapist - that is a brilliant start that you felt able to do that.

I also live with anxiety and am very good at hiding it when inside I am scraping by minute by minute until I get home to my 'safe zone' and feel like a weight has gone off my shoulders. I hold down a full time job while carrying the weight of my old 'mate' anxiety as well and it is so exhausting isnt it.

I have seen a psychologist before and she was brilliant so I am getting a referral to her again. I also find certain podcasts on managing anxiety a lifesaver for me.

Just feel proud of yourself that you had that first phone call and your next appointment in 6 weeks.

Go easy on yourself and see if you can treat yourself with nice things when you are at home - your favourite movie, favourite foods - turn your phone off and mconcentrate on whatever you are watching.

I have had to reduce my social media and how much news I watch. It's exhausting isnt it. Anxiety is like an unwanted lodger in your mind, continuously poking and winding you up.
That's what I find anyway. I have kind of forgotten what it feels like to feel 'normal'.
I dont know if this will help you in the interim, but this poseries on Amazon Audible lped me enormously. I got it free as I had a 3 month free trial - it's canot a miracle cure, but it gets me through the day sometimes.

www.audible.com.au/search?keywords=the+7+step+mindset+makeover&ref=a_ep_free-a_t1_header_search