I've always been a worrier, a stress head, an overthinker. Even as a child. I remember watching a documentary when I was really little (8?) about a girl with a hole in her heart and I worried for days incase I had one too. I remember being in year 3 and crying my eyes out at school because it was raining torentially outside and what were we going to do if there was a great flood because we didn't have an ark! I shit you not. People who are really close to me (my parents and partner) know what I'm like and reassure me constantly over things I get stressed about but the majority of my friends and (I think) colleagues think I'm cool and confident. I've no idea why, I don't try and fake it.
Over the past couple of years it's gotten worse and it's becoming a real problem. It's started to affect my speech, I trip over my words and have to correct myself, I think this is because I monitor what I'm saying too much and therefore make mistakes because of the scrutiny I put myself under. It's not a natural flow if you know what I mean. I try so hard to be perfect so when I'm not - which of course I never am - I have complete internal meltdowns thinking how much of an embarrassment everyone thinks I am. I believe most acquaintances like colleagues and neighbours dislike me although I do have good friends. I try to be a laugh around them as I don't like discussing my issues in real life.
I feel as though I'm locked in a cage of anxiety and it's stopping me from being who I should really have been. I feel like there's a thin film or screen covering me and it's like I can't hear people properly or communicate properly. Like I'm in a world of my own. I hate being on the phone at work because it's open plan, I have to use my voice and I've no confidence with it at all. I feel like everyone is listening and laughing inside or cringing about how much of a twat I sound. If a customer is asking me for assistance I feel a wave of panic sweeping over me and even though it's something I know how to do I struggle to articulate it properly and I just want to get away from them. I'm absolutely shit at my job and can only hide my complete lack of people skills for so long. At some point for various reasons I might have to get a new job and I feel like I'm going to have to do something very basic and take a massive pay cut (I earn £25k not loads but plenty for me. Small mortgage, childless and in the North) because I don't think for a minute I could have the confidence to cope with anything more. I feel terrified about my future.
I wish I could burst this abscess of anxiety and just get rid of it and be a happier, healthier and more positive person. I'm SO negative and bitter. My temper is terrible and it's only getting worse. Anger is my reaction to everything and I feel like other people are always there to make my life difficult, be it a cashier serving me too slow, other drivers, neighbours etc. I fly off the handle on a regular basis. I can't get through a sentence without using a stream of obsceneties. Not at work obviously. Next door are selling their house and I've already convinced myself the buyers are going to be total bastards and I'll end up in some legal battle with them over something they're going to bully me into. I have very little tolerance or faith towards anyone. I'm a huge introvert and need to spend a lot of time to myself so that probably doesn't help because I have so much time to think. I imagine all sorts of scenarios and worry over the worst possible outcome. I wasted a good ten years of my youth convinced I'd caught HIV from a scumbag boyfriend.
I feel like I just want to curl up into a ball somewhere. The feeling of just wanting to be left alone gets stronger and stronger all the time but I'm only 35 so I know unless I win the lottery I have to carry on.
Two friends had a fall out recently and one of them phoned me to rant about it. I disagreed with what she was saying but instead of telling her calmly that I thought she was wrong like I probably would have in the past I just felt my heart hammering and voice shaking because I felt scared by it all. Pathetic.
This should be a happy time for me because this year I bought my first house and it's something I've aimed for for years, but I just can't enjoy it because I'm constantly worried about being landed with a huge repair bill, or the house catching fire or getting into a dispute. I've posted on here about so many things from woodworm to leaks to subsidence to a wall not being perfect, I've changed my name each time because I'm embarrassed everyone will know it's the same person and that I am a fruit loop.
I don't walk around with a snarl or anything, I've got a good sense of humour and I love to have a laugh and just act like a twat, I just feel if there's a battery inside us that we need fully charged in order to have confidence, use our social skills and just deal with life and the people in this world mine is utterly, utterly dead.
I also suffer with extreme misophonia and I absolutely hate noise, to the point I've wondered if I'm autistic. I was on a train recently and someone opened a bag of doritos. I could have jumped head first out of the window.
I tried to phone a number I was given by my GP to get some therapy but they never phoned me back. I feel like I'll have this cloud of doom over me forever. I don't know why I'm putting this on here. I do like to write things down, maybe I'm hoping at least one person can relate.
Thanks for reading x