Can't take much more

[Notdoingwell]

I have changed my name because I don't want to be seen as someone who is always depressed, but I really don't know how much more I can take. Sometimes I just want to run far away from everything.

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NDW, have you had a general health check? Thyroids, blood sugar, iron levels etc?

I got panic attacks at night too, so that I would try and not to go to sleep. When I did sleep I would have terrible dreams, one typical one was that a killer was in the house, he'd already killed and he was coming for the kids. I couldn't get them out of the house, I knew he was coming but we had nowhere to go. I phoned the police but they couldn't find our house and I knew they wouldn't arrive in time. I woke from that in a panic, then I convinced myself I could hear someone downstairs, I convinced myself that the kids were dead in their beds and I stayed awake, panicking, until it came light and I got the courage to go and check on the sleeping children.

I also used to have vivid hallucinations of smoke billowing from under the door, that used to be quite common, I was sure the house was on fire.

If you are not sleeping and having panic attacks, if you are down, lacking in motivation, not eating etc then you are depressed. I have managed to hide my latest bout from dh until it got too much to bear. So if I can hide it from the man who knows me best, how much more can you hide it from work colleagues etc?

You need to confide in someone. Have you told your partner? Once you tell one person, you get the confidence to tell another. When you are depressed, problems become more so and you are unable to resolve them by yourself. You need another level-headed person to help you. Usually the answer is right there under your nose but because you are not thinking straight, you haven't grasped it.

I also thought that I was stupid, that nobody liked me, that I deserved to feel this way, that if I told anyone they would laugh and dismiss me as pathetic. I felt ashamed of myself for being so weak as to not being able to function properly. I thought I was a shit mother and a shit friend to someone who needed support, not some whinging cow who was crying because her ds had been sick on the bed. All of those feelings though are another symptom. You've got to shake yourself out of it.

After that night I spent awake I thought this cannot go on. I determined to pull myself together and tackle the problem head on. Hence the plan. I got angry with the depression for daring to come back, for daring to interfere with my life, for daring to affect my enjoyment of my children. And now I'm fighting back. Hope you can too.

Oh and depression needn't be all bad all of the time. I had my lucid days, I could go out and enjoy myself and kid myself that I was fine, nowt wrong apart from a wee bit of stress. But if you find that your bad days are outnumbering your good ones, then you have a problem. My bad days were 5 out of every 7.

I haven't read the whole thread but enough to catch up on what was said since last night - I just wanted to check you were doing okay and to say hi. I'm glad you came back today.

There is some very good advice on here (which I should probably consider myself...) so please make sure you do what works for you - it may take a while to find out what it is that helps (medication and/ or therapy etc) so please hang on in there until you start to feel better - waiting for the depression to lift can feel like an eternity but it does get easier. x

I haven't had a general health check recently, Rhubarb.

I go through spells of not sleeping, sometimes it improves, but atm it is not good at all, and I know that this in itself is enough to drag you right down.

I don't have a partner to talk to anymore, I recently separated from my husband, and the intense lonliness does get to me.

My parents don't believe in depression, so I don't tend to talk to them when I'm down.
When I tried to confide in them when I had PND, my dad got quite angry with me, telling me there was no such condition, and in his day it was just called being a bit sad, and you have to pull yourself together!

I am trying to make sure I eat, but it is easy to miss lunch etc atm.

I can empathise with the negative feelings about yourself too. I get lots of those, and get very cross with myself.

The last few years have been hard, but most of the time I thought I was coping with everything ok...I wanted to cope, and tried hard not to get dragged down. I know that I was kidding myself that I was coping just fine though - I find it hard just coping with being a mother sometimes.
I need to get some proper strength inside me. My counsellor helped me become stronger than I was, as has the support I have received on here, but I need to toughen up so much more.

Thank you for all the great advice on this thread, I really appreciate it.

Mamama - hope you're ok.

It's often triggered by an event. My brother who treats people with depression as a psychiatrist would usually prescribe tablets plus CBT in combination as the best option for clinical depression and recommend all those things I am sure you know about - like plenty of fresh air, exercise, cut out sugar, junk food, go to bed regularly on time etc etc.

notdoingwell, you do not have to toughen up, you have to be less tough, on yourself. I have never thought there any shame in depression, however it took me two years to face up to mine. It is in itself an illness which i believe can be triggered by stress, especially if it is prolonged. There is no need for you to suffer alone. You have already had counselling and have had ADs. I agree that ADs do not make the problems go away but they do give you the strength to work through them. I have just started on citilopram, first time on ADs and i really did NOT want to take them, terrified i was.

I dont know if this helps but i find it easier to focus on how the pills work. I have a basic understanding of what they do, so do forgive me if i get it a bit wrong. The pills work by allowing the body to make use of the seretonin released by neurons in the brain. In people who are depressed it has been demonstrated that their seretonin levels are quite largely decreased. The pills block the receptors that mop up excess seretonin from between the neurons. This means that the neuron that seratonin is working on effectively gets more, it then produces more receptors to "catch" it and responds better. (i think!) So, if for some reason you have low seratonin, you will feel depressed and anxious, for lots of reasons i dont understand. But what i do know is this - if i had a vitamin C deficiency and i kept getting a cold, for instance, i would feel no shame or trepidation in taking a pill that put this right. I need more seratonin just now - so i take a pill to put it right.

Be kind to yourself, go to the doctor, tell her you need some help - you have had so much to cope with, separation is like a bereavement and you need to work it through in your head. I cannot really say how im responding to my "happy pills" yet as i have only been on them for 3 days, but already, i am getting glimpses of the old me, and i have realised that i have been depressed for a long time, it creeps up on you and you just dont realise. But you CAN make it right. You just need a bit of help and you have to be strong enough to take it.

Me on the other hand, i need to listen to my own advice!

Thank you both.

As soon as I start to feel that maybe I am not coping as well as I should be, I do seek help. It is hard when you have been through a series of very tough events, including separation & bereavement, to know how much of it is a normal reaction to what you are going through, or whether you are really starting to crack with it all.

I had terrible trouble sleeping again last night & have got back the horrible tightening in my throat, which I have started to experience during times of stress. (I've had a couple of spells of this in the last couple of years, and have been to see my GP about it)

I know that I cannot allow myself to be in a position where I can't cope because I have to take care of my children alone a lot of the time, and I need to be as strong as possible for them.

Custy - thank you for your e mail. I will reply later when the children go to their dad's, as I need the peace!

Hope all is clearing for you now NDW. Thinking of you

Just make an appt to see the GP for a general health check. Perhaps you could even ask about counselling again, if it worked before. As you don't seem to have anyone close to confide in, you would benefit from talking to someone. Do you not have any friends nearby? Whereabouts in the country are you? Perhaps you could go to a Mumsnet meet-up? Lots of friendships have been made on this board by people meeting up in real life. If you don't fancy that, Netmums have a local mums section where you could meet others. Friends boost your self-esteem and remind you of what a worthy person you are. If I could add another rule to my plan it would be to make a friend, but how hard that would be! I realise you can't conjure one up, but you can make a start.

Now get out some nice clothes to wear tomorrow, put up a bit of make-up and put your hair up, look good tomorrow and you'll feel good. Call in at the library, hire yourself a DVD, then stop at the offy and get a bottle of plonk. Once the kids are in bed tomorrow, set yourself in front of the telly with your wine.

We need things to look forward to, it breaks up the week. You need to organise little treats for yourself throughout the week so you have something positive to look forward to.

Whilst you are at the library get a book out and read it last thing at night. A good book is great for getting you to forget about your daily worries. When you wake up you can put on the lamp and read some more to stop you dwelling on things. I used to have the radio playing too and I'd fall asleep to that, it helped hearing the DJs voice, made me feel less alone, and going to sleep to music helped me to sleep better.

Again, custy has my email, I'd be honoured to hear from you.

Thank you, Rhubarb.

I did find counselling very helpful, and my poor counsellor ended up having me back 3 times over the last 4 years! I apologised to her for having me back last time, but each time has been for different reasons, and she has taught me so much about myself.

I do have good friends, but I am guilty of keeping a lot inside of me & trying to put on an ok front, when sometimes I am far from ok.

My dad said to me a while back, that no-one wants to be around a miserable person, and that has really stuck with me.
I do try very hard to be anything but a very miserable person, and sometimes it is only on here that I let this side of me out.

I have got to know some great people through MN, and have been helped through some very rough times through their support, which I will always be grateful of.
I have been to a couple of meet ups too, and have met the lovely custy!

Thank you for the offer of e mailing you, Rhubarb, you have been a great help to me & given me some great advice.

Really supportive friends see through the misery to the real you inside.

Hope your weekend is ok.

Yes I guess you are right there, Rhubarb.
I do talk to my friends, but people around me do think I'm stronger than I actually am because of the front I put on.
They know of a lot of the things I am dealing with atm, but think I am coping better than I actually am, IYKWIM?

Yesterday I felt a bit better, but today I'm not feeling so great.
Will try to get a doctors appt on Mon.

Hope your weekend is good, and thanks again for all the support.

I'm not doing well today. The children are driving me mad, and I'm horrible and shouty. I feel awful, but I feel I am bubbling over inside, and can't help the way I'm reacting.

notdoingwell, i hope you are feeling better. I don't have any suggestions, but do make sure you go to the doctors tomorrow. Do it for your kids, but mostly, do it for you

NDW, we all have days like that, I know I do. Had one on Wednesday when I was more fractious than DS. Thursday was a different day and I've been fine since.

Don't be so hard on yourself.

I couldn't get to the doctors today because I had no-one to look after the children for me, but will try tomorrow.

Yesterday was quite a bad day, and I was aware that I was pacing around a lot, unable to stay still. I later took the boys for a walk through a big field, which was just what I needed.

I had terrible trouble sleeping last night because I kept having odd panic attacks, where it felt like my head was going to explode!

I guess the doctor will put me straight onto ADs, which I had been trying to get by without - thinking I could pull myself through this as soon as things got a little easier - but I don't seem to be doing the greatest of jobs there.

Hi NDW, I've not been about for a couple of days, but just wanted to pop in to see how you are doing...

I'm glad you have decided to see your GP, it seems from your posts that you are taking lots of steps in the right direction, and getting some great advice from some lovely mnetters.

Please don't criticise yourself...
"thinking I could pull myself through this as soon as things got a little easier - but I don't seem to be doing the greatest of jobs there."

It seems to me that you are doing a bloody great job, you are acknowledging the problem and taking steps to fix it, and from your posts it seems that you are doing this with very little support from those around you. All the time looking after your boys and undoubtedly fixing their problems as best any mum can. PLEASE give yourself a BIG PAT on the back, you are moving in the right direction, just keep the momentum going, go and see your GP, and keep chatting.

I hope tomorrow is a better day for you, I'll be thinking of you...

NDW

The sleeping thing is a problem for me too ? I have days (well, nights) when I don?t sleep at all and then other times(perhaps not surprisingly) when I feel tired all the time. I ignored my depression for a very long time until it all caught up with me. I was pretending to everyone, including myself, that I was ok. I really believed it. But I couldn?t do that forever and the result was not pretty. I would hate for anyone to go through what I did so please, do make sure you see your GP, have more counseling, take Ads & talk to your friends in RL and/ or on here ? whatever it takes for you to get through this as easily as possible.

Part of my current therapy focuses on self-care - making sure that you avoid making yourself more vulnerable to negative feelings & situations by ensuring you eat/ sleep properly etc. It sounds as though you are very aware of those things but keep reminding yourself how important it is to take care of yourself physically as well as mentally. It?s all too easy to worry about those around us and forget to about ourselves.

And remember, you are not alone. It sounds as though you have been through a lot recently.

x

Thank you both.

I know I have to see my GP because how I am feeling right now isn't right.
Felt awful last night, and couldn't face making myself anything to eat, which isn't a good way to be.
I felt so bad that I started to type out a thread using my regular MN name, so that I could type out everything that was getting me down in more detail, but I didn't press post! I feel like the MN trauma queen as it is right now!

Amazingly I slept a little better last night, but feel worse for it this morning!

will phone surgery in a minute.

Good luck. You know, the GP may not put you straight onto ADs. Get him to check your bloods and so on, it could be a thyroid problem, you could have low blood sugar, anything like that will cause you to feel low and anxious.

My bloods came through ok so I'm obviously just a weirdy fruitcake.

Remember to put bad days into perspective. Sure we all have them, but it's how you deal with them that's the key. One small incident can ruin your whole day. If that happens you have to take yourself away for a while and just put everything into perspective. If you can see where you are heading then it is possible to stop it. You did brilliantly by getting yourself and the boys out of the house! Some people would have just curled up and given up you know. Look at the positives!

Didn't see your post before now, Rhubarb, so haven't asked about checking my bloods.
I am being urged to try a 25mg dose of an AD which apparantly aids your sleep.
I was advised to try this before, but my sleeping improved soon after, without having to resort to the tablets. Doctor advises I give them a try, and am to take one an hour before I go to bed each night.

Have you tried St.John's Wort?

No, I haven't tried St johns Wort, that is a herbal remedy isn't it?
I have tried kalms, which I found useless, and I use Rescue Remedy to help prevent panic attacks.

Rescue Remedy is officially shit.
You'd be better with straight vodka.

I don't know about St.John's but others have tried it and say it works. It is generally recognised by the medical profession too. I'm trying Evening Primrose atm but it's probably too early to say if it's doing anything.

However, I am taking vitamins and drinking lots of water and do generally feel healthier.