Just had my first session of counselling.

[Phycadelicsilhouette]

I just wanted to share as I don’t know who I’d share with in real life.
I’ve had my first session of counselling today and I’m feeling so positive about it.
I felt beyond low and was having allot of suicidal thoughts just 2 months or so ago and pushed myself to sign back up to a service I’ve previously had CBT with.
They decided counselling is the way forward and I couldn’t agree more after today.
I was assigned a male councillor which I felt immensely uncomfortable about but didn’t want to be picky or rude so went with it and I felt so much more comfortable with him than I thought I would.
I talked and cried and he listened. I learnt things about myself. I went in with a brave face and came out feeling more open and vulnerable but ok with it. I wasn’t able to cry properly during CBT but today has shown me that I have already grown since then and will able to do so much more over the course of sessions.
I urge anyone feeling like they need help to reach out for it.
I’m almost certain that this will be tough at times but I’m so glad I’ve done it!
Sorry if this post seems a bit pointless but I just wanted to share with someone.

I feel like maybe I was a bit selfish with the amount I talked

That's what you are there for,...to talk.
I can relate to that though because I'm always very apologetic to my GP. Every time I see her I say I'm sorry I'm there again and say how patient she is with me. Last time I said it she told me to stop apologising, that I needed to be there and its her job to get me well and however many visits I make and however long it takes is irrelevant.
I can understand why they change counsellors after a certain number of sessions because it can get to a point that it gets stale and a fresh ear can make a difference. It's a good thing and by then, you should be more comfortable and confident to make the switch.

I know, it looks a bit silly repeated back.
Part of the mindset I need to shift.
Your GP sounds very kind and understanding and correct in the fact that you don’t need to apologise!
We should only be apologising when we’ve done something wrong which I try and remind myself allot.
For the sake of mumsnet we’ll say my name is anya for the next part. (It’s not by the way!)
I used to apologise so much that I was told I sound as follows... “hello, my name’s anya. Sorry.”
Quite embarrassing really and I’m no where near that bad nowadays although I do find myself apologising for my existence in other ways so self esteem is another one to work on!
Yes and I may not even need it by then, we’ll see, but I feel safe knowing what is going to happen or what could happen if needed.
It must be very hard dealing with ongoing health problems and I can empathise hugely with the anxiety that must come with that, I once chatted with a lovely lady outside a coffee shop actually on a chance encounter whilst reading my book. She sat with me and we had coffee and chatted and it turned out that she was accessing support through the same service as I was for her long term health concerns (that’s how I know they do it) small world!
I so highly recommend doing a self referral!

I will self refer for the health anxiety cbt once all my medical checks are completed.
I scored very high on their assessment but they had to discharge me after the worry workshop because my medical treatment is on going. They told me to self refer once I'm ready.

Thats a shame that that’s how it works.
I hope all of your medical checks are done soon for you!

The guilt is part of the anxiety, for sure. You are there to talk; the counsellor is there to provide a safe space and listen.

I didn't know guilt was part of anxiety, I thought it was part of feeling worthless if I’m being honest but it makes sense.
I know and I will remind myself of this it’s just hard as I don’t even understand my own mind at times so how can I expect someone else to spend their time trying to?
I also worry that allot of the things I have to talk about and deal with run so deep and are too much for a stranger to listen to. Too much for anyone to listen to and I feel like talking about things that aren’t just positive and happy are so burdensome and draining for people.
He listened to some pretty full on stuff today though and was very kind and offered some really great perspective.
He also got me to realise that the reason I keep myself so busy so often and put on such a front of being “fine” or more than “fine” is because I’m so terrified to stop and let myself break and then not be able to come back from that place.
I’m a bit worried about not seeing him for 2 weeks.
I don’t know if that’s a good thing or a bad thing.

Yes, I'm sure it might well be more complex than the guilt coming from the anxiety. I just mean it's all (I think) tied in together. Ditto the 'worthless' feelings. I'm learning that part of me throws up 'guilt' and 'unworthy' etc as a defense mechanism.

Your therapist/counsellor has spent a lot of time and effort to study and work in this area; they've chosen to sit and listen to people. I doubt they find it burdensome! It's the whole point of talk therapy.

Stop in here and chat if you need a back-up or somewhere to vent. Have you got some other support about?

The mind is a minefield! Just trying to find my way through.
Been trying for years to just be “fine” and get on and actually outwardly I’ve not done too bad a job with it but my mind suffers for it. It’s a daily battle just to feel like I have a right to even exist. It’s a daily battle to feel like I’m worth even a tiny bit as much as the people around me. I carry on and live a life that I do feel proud of and I feel ok so long as I just get on and focus on the needs of everyone else around me.
Anyway. That’s too deep for this page I think. I’ll save all this for the sessions!
I just want people to know that yes it can be hard but please reach out for the help and support and don’t give up on yourself!
Only one person in the whole world will ever spend your whole life with you, and that’s you and you’re worth trying for as much as you try for the people around you.
I don’t know if I’m partly talking to myself there too, maybe.
I’m trying though.