Just had my first session of counselling.

[Phycadelicsilhouette]

I just wanted to share as I don’t know who I’d share with in real life.
I’ve had my first session of counselling today and I’m feeling so positive about it.
I felt beyond low and was having allot of suicidal thoughts just 2 months or so ago and pushed myself to sign back up to a service I’ve previously had CBT with.
They decided counselling is the way forward and I couldn’t agree more after today.
I was assigned a male councillor which I felt immensely uncomfortable about but didn’t want to be picky or rude so went with it and I felt so much more comfortable with him than I thought I would.
I talked and cried and he listened. I learnt things about myself. I went in with a brave face and came out feeling more open and vulnerable but ok with it. I wasn’t able to cry properly during CBT but today has shown me that I have already grown since then and will able to do so much more over the course of sessions.
I urge anyone feeling like they need help to reach out for it.
I’m almost certain that this will be tough at times but I’m so glad I’ve done it!
Sorry if this post seems a bit pointless but I just wanted to share with someone.

@Lemonysherbet easier said than done on the overthinking for me, it’s huge! Trying to work out what’s even a normal level of thinking and what’s over thinking causes even more over thinking! Quite comical when you think of it like that!
CBT is fantastic I’d really recommend it but I think that counselling might be more suited to what I need at this point in my life.
@Limensoda that’s very lucky! I know my younger brothers work runs something similar actually and you can have 6 free sessions over the phone for an hour a session I think he said and that extends to family members too but I personally prefer face to face and a weekly routine.
Private counselling is expensive but is something I would consider if I felt I ever needed it again in my life after this but I plan to be a super open book and grow as much as I can through this.

@54Phycadelicsilhouette

My daughter told me to look at this last six months of severe anxiety as an opportunity. She said it's a chance to change and grow and one day, I will be glad I went through it if I approach it that way and make changes.
I do a gratitude journal every night, practice simple Thai Chi every day. Did a CBT worry workshop and now the counselling.
I've learned so much about me....the way I am and why. How my thinking creates anxiety.
I don't want to be on medication for years like some people are. I know for some, it's necessary but I'm sure if you make efforts to change you have more chance of recovery.
I've seen it work for my daughter. Over the space of a year she has changed from being depressed to being happier than she has ever been.

My daughter told me to look at this last six months of severe anxiety as an opportunity. She said it's a chance to change and grow and one day, I will be glad I went through it if I approach it that way and make changes.

I found this to be really true. It was a very tough time but I did learn a lot. I realise before if I had an anxiety level of 3 or 4 I was just really indiscplined in letting it escalate up to 10 - now if I feel the first inklings I'm much better at taking action, increase my exercise, find some distraction. Knowing how bad it can get gave me a bit more motivation.

I would also say, make sure when you start to get better to take some time to appreciate it - really think "so nice to be able to read a book and enjoy it again." When you know how good the ordinary things of life can be it gives you more motivation to try and keep life that way!

make sure when you start to get better to take some time to appreciate it - really think "so nice to be able to read a book and enjoy it again." When you know how good the ordinary things of life can be it gives you more motivation to try and keep life that way!

Very true! Focusing on what you have or can do and affirming it in this way is really important. We often think about what we can't do or our limitations and I really believe now that this affects your mental health.

@Limensoda your daughter sounds like a very wise person!
I agree, I hope to take this chance and really learn now during the counselling to grow and change the things I’ve not been happy with.
I have so many things to work on from an unhappy childhood with the adults around me not being good people to being a hugely co-dependant adult in the relationships I’ve had. From anxiety that gave physical symptoms of choking and rashes to depression that I’ve not allowed myself to feel while continuing to put on a brave face until it’s become so huge that I felt I just wanted to die.
My god so much work to do but I really think I’m ready.
I really don’t want medication either. It’s a personal preference but I would rather try everything else first before I considered it.
I’m really happy for your daughter and you that her life has improved so much, it must be so lovely to see
@HPFA thankyou, that’s really great advice. I will remember that! I really hope I can reach true inner peace. I’m glad you’ve managed to get things more under control

Well done, OP! I've started therapy after years of being too scared to do so. Gold stars for bravery all round. :)

@ScrimshawTheSecond that’s fantastic, well done to you too! I hope it all goes well for you, feel free to check in, I’m sure I will over the weeks and it’d be lovely to hear how others are finding it too

Will do! Good luck with it. :)

@39Phycadelicsilhouette

I'm sure you will succeed. You come across as a kind, thoughtful person who tries to be positive. That's half the battle....Keep positive and focused and just do something every day that will lead to healing and never give up even if you have a bad day.
Every time I look in the mirror I smile and tell myself I'm doing well. When I go out I smile at people I pass. It's amazing how many people smile back or say hello. When they don't...I'm still glad I smiled at them.

Same to you @ScrimshawTheSecond!
Thank you @Limensoda that’s really lovely of you to say. I think you’d have said differently if you’d have seen my post from a couple of months ago. I have a different username since then as I was so ashamed to post with the same name again (although I feel now like I maybe shouldn’t feel ashamed, I was just in a really low place). There were some truly kind hearted people on here who replied which helped me hugely and I’m so grateful and I hope that as I continue to feel better I can help others on here in the same way.
You sound like a really lovely person and I think you should keep doing what you’re doing! I love when people smile or smile back!

@45Phycadelicsilhouette

Don't ever feel ashamed. You were in a very low place and anyway, own it, don't disown it! People do understand when we feel that low.
Reading posts from people on here has helped me a lot. Some people have been encouraging and made me believe things would improve when I felt they never would. You feel less alone when you see so many are going through similar things.
Thank you 💟

Thanks for sharing your experience op. I think I am going to look into some counselling as I am struggling at bit at the moment.

@Limensoda you say lovely things, thank you! It’s such a relief to just talk sometimes. Being able to talk on here was so huge for me when I felt so low it really did help me to dig myself back out of the hole I was in!
I’m feeling so much better within myself this last couple of weeks and I think the counselling has come at just the right time, I feel very lucky.
If you ever need a chat on here (or if anyone does for that matter) then please feel free. It’s such a horrible thought that people sometimes don’t know who/where to turn to when things are emotionally difficult. I think when you know how that feels you don’t ever want to see anyone else feel that way.
@Alfiemoon1 good luck! Depending on your area there may be services you can self refer to or if not then the Gp should be able to refer you if you ask. Be prepared to really be honest about how you’re feeling, it can be offputting if you’ve never accessed help before but it’s very worthwhile!

How is everyone?
I have my second session tomorrow and I’m really looking forward to it.
I don’t know what’s happened to me but whatever it is I’m very grateful for it.
This week I have spent allot of time reflecting. Have done allot of crying but it doesn’t feel like crying did a while ago. It’s not desperation to escape the pain crying, it’s allowing myself to feel and accept and move on crying. I’ve also done allot of smiling and laughing. I’ve even danced! (I honestly can’t remember the last time I danced!
I hope everyone else is getting on OK? If not then thats ok too and I hope you can talk if you need to.
My counsellor sent me a message earlier in the week to say this week would be as usual but next week he is away and he said he hopes I am well.
I found it very thoughtful that he lets his patients? (I never know if that’s the right word) know what’s going on and wishes them well.

Glad you're looking forward to it, Phycadelic. :) And so glad to hear you're doing well.

I'm quite deep into the therapy now having had about maybe eight sessions, I think. It's been quite hard the past few weeks as I'm dealing with very old patterns, memories and so on. Hopefully eventually it will help things, I think I'm in a sticky bit just now. Time will tell!

Hope it goes well tomorrow.

Thank you @ScrimshawTheSecond
Sorry to hear that you’ve been finding things hard. Long standing habits and patterns are hard to break and sometimes painful to let go of but if you want it enough you can achieve it, I truly believe that!
How long do you have left in your therapy?
Thank you, I hope so too and feel positive about it.

Slightly unrelated but it is about mental health... has anyone watched girl interrupted? I watched it last night and loved it and really loved the things she said. Notably...

“Was I ever crazy? Maybe. Or maybe life is. Crazy isn’t being broken or swallowing a dark secret. It’s you or me amplified.”

“I was trying to explain my situation to myself. My situation was that I was in pain and nobody knew it, even I had trouble knowing it. So I told myself, over and over, you are in pain. It was the only way I could get through to myself. I was demonstrating externally and irrefutably an inward condition.”

How beautiful is that?

@36Phycadelicsilhouette

Really pleased you are sounding so positive!
Watch out for any 'down' days. When you start feeling so positive and happier, a down day can really surprise you and comes as a shock.... Be prepared for some, but don't 'expect' one, if that makes any sense!
I have my final counselling session in a couple of weeks (my counsellor is on holiday too!) It's been really helpful.
I continue to write in my gratitude journal, I try to practice mindfulness as much as I can and I'm doing simple Thai chi every day. Bit by bit, I feel the difference.
I hope you continue to improve each day! Well done! x

How long do I have left? I don't know, it's an open-ended process. Until I feel the issues are addressed. I expect around 20 sessions, if it's not improving things by then I'll reconsider my approach.

But I am doing it not to achieve 100% 24 hour a day happiness, I'm doing it to achieve equanimity, so difficult days/weeks are okay so long as the emotions are moving, if that makes sense.

But I am doing it not to achieve 100% 24 hour a day happiness, I'm doing it to achieve equanimity, so difficult days/weeks are okay so long as the emotions are moving, if that makes sense

That made perfect sense to me. You put that really well and its a sensible goal to set because it's achievable.
I think I will adopt that attitude.

@Limensoda thank you, I’m feeling a bit nervous today actually.
I think down days will always happen (not always hopefully but sporadically) and that’s ok, it’s just knowing how to deal with them so they don’t linger and allow you to sink.
@ScrimshawTheSecond you have put it beautifully, it makes perfect sense and I agree a very achievable and realistic goal
20 sessions is a great amount of time to try and work towards that I think!
How are you feeling about your final session @limensoda? I know when I knew my final sessions of CBT were approaching I felt very mixed emotions and almost shut her out so I wouldn’t be too attached I suppose when it came to leaving. I also found it hard to open up fully with her. It was like I wanted to but something was pulling it all back in and only allowing parts out. It sounds strange when it’s written down but my mind works in ways I don’t always understand. I spoke to her about it though and she was great and I think we ended it well.
If I could go back and do it again I would have done it differently but things happen the way they’re supposed to and I have a terrible habit of ruminating (something else to work on!)

The things you are doing sound great! Thai chi sounds interesting. I find art and music to be very beneficial to me. I’m also going to teach myself a new instrument. Maybe the sax. And every now and then I try to treat myself to something like breakfast of the cinema alone.
Thank you. I hope the same for you

I think I will miss the counselling a lot Phycadelicsilhouette
When I first met my counsellor I thought she looked a bit stern, like an old school mistress!.... but she was very good! Another lesson learned...don't judge on first appearance! 😁
I only qualified for six sessions but I think more would be beneficial. She picks up on what I don't say and challenges me...in a good way.
I'm lucky to have got a counsellor, first time, who I gelled with.
It's important to get the right counsellor.
I'm trying to think of stuff I haven't spoken to her about so I can at the final session....I'm worried I will regret not mentioning something!

@Limensoda I think it’s really important to acknowledge that and let it be ok.
My god if I had that last session again now I think I’d just cry the whole hour and tell her how much I was going to miss it (probably a good job for her that that won’t be happening!) but my mind/body wouldn’t allow me to truly cry at the time. Probably didn’t help that I adamantly declared very early on that I would never cry with her. Definitely a personal fear of being vulnerable at the time. A bit of a regret now but only slightly, I learnt from it too and actually I did cry with her a bit but just not like now. I feel different now.
That’s brilliant, I’m so pleased you gelled with her. It’s easy to assume on first impressions I understand.
In fact when I first met my CBT therapist I did not feel like we clicked. She did an assessment where I was given a diagnosis of GAD and I felt that she would never understand me or be able to help (VERY judgemental) it was about me and my fears and insecurities not her. But second time around she ended up being my therapist after a 6 week 30 min a week self help thing around worrying, they felt I needed more so was referred for CBT and it was her and I really felt like we clicked. I told her that was how I felt actually and apologised if it was offensive but she was great and turned out to be safe and trustworthy and very lovely.
Your councillor sounds great! It’s good to be challenged and to really make the most of the sessions. If you feel that you need more you could speak to them about it at your next session? My CBT therapist doubled my sessions for me and also encouraged me to go back if I felt that I needed it which is how I’m where I am now as they felt counselling would be more beneficial than CBT.
I’m so grateful to the service.
The service I’m with have a policy that you can re-refer after a time period so it might be worth looking into if they can’t extend and you feel you still need more help.
So much good luck for your final session! Maybe write a little note to yourself to remind yourself. It’s difficult to remember things when emotions are high and/or overwhelming.

Phycadelicsilhouette

My counselling was arranged through my son's Company and they paid for it. I qualified because I wasn't able to Childmind my son's little boy while I was ill with the anxiety so because it affected my son, his company paid
You only get six sessions. I could always pay for more I suppose if I needed more. I don't even know how much it would cost. I did a CBT worry workshop, which was good and they told me I can self refer if I wish to do a health anxiety course but because I'm undergoing medical tests I have to wait until they are resolved.

Ahh yes so it was! Sorry. I get confused with who’s counselling is with who when there are a few people in the chat.
6 sessions is good free of charge and I think any on the NHS or subsidised is very lucky but if you think you need it please do self refer! I was so hesitant but it’s one of the best things I’ve done!
I’m sorry that it was so hard for you that it affected things so much.
I know at the service I attend they run things especially around health anxiety and long term health conditions.

Just home from my second session.
Very emotional and intense.
I cried again. Really more than I ever thought I could. Not just sat crying but whilst talking.
It still feels ok.
He’s very kind and open and and asked me to share how I’m perceiving his reactions and intentions and he will share with me how he’s really feeling and also if he thinks I’m shutting down ect.
I feel like maybe I was a bit selfish with the amount I talked. I just have so much to deal with.
I asked how many sessions I would have so as to decide what to deal with during them and he said it’s initially 6 but he wants to speak to the supervisor and see if it can be extended to 12.
He also said that only 12 sessions are allowed with the same councillor as its full counselling but that If it’s still needed after 12 they could potentially pass me onto someone else.
Crikey! I just have allot of issues! That is said with a degree of humour whilst actually it’s also very true.
I feel selfish and told him I don’t want to take up other people’s needed spaces and he said that was me not feeling worthy so I will try to accept graciously whatever is offered with so much gratitude.
I asked him what was wrong with me. He asked if that was a question and I said yes and asked Is it more serious than depression and anxiety and he said no he doesn’t think so. (He sounded very confident about this which was reassuring).
He said it’s very normal that my mind works the way it does.
I feel heard and validated and that feels nice but am feeling a bit wary still. It’s strange.
I shared how I felt about him being a male councillor when I first heard and how I panicked and frantically googled if his name could also be a female name ect but he was very good about it and said he was glad I shared how I felt as it’s helpful.
I become so anxious going to the place and sitting in the waiting area to be called but feel so much better once I’m called in and it gets started.
Just sitting with the feelings and what we’ve spoken about for a bit whilst I listen to some music and have a coffee.
He’s away next week which makes me feel something I’m not too sure what it is.
It’s mostly OK but I struggle with change of routine and panic about having a bit of a setback but I’m sure it will be fine, this is real life and people have holidays and breaks.

Sorry if I’m rambling on inappropriately and in the wrong place. This is a bit therapeutic too and a bit diary like and I hope that it helps other people to be able to share if they want/need to and push for some help if they’re feeling scared and/or reluctant to.

*must not just... I am more than my issues!

That feels nice to say!