Is this depression?

[sugarplumfairy28]

There is a lot going on in my life right now, my DH has Bipolar Disorder and ADHD, our daughter is undergoing diagnostics for a neurological disorder, she has already been diagnosed with SPD and results from her intelligence tests put her as gifted. We also have a son who for lack of another word gets 'neglected', we don't get to spend a lot of time with just him, he is starting senior school but clinic appointments and psychiatrist appointments for our daughter end up becoming the priority. On his first day at school parents are asked to stay (its only a couple of hours) but I have to be on stand by to cut and run is DD is having issues at her school - so I feel so guilty for letting DS down.

I do not have a social life, DH clashes with DD when she is having an episode and they end up in a vicious circle. I had to give up work because DD is so full on, she rarely does a full week of school and after school clubs are out. There is literally no-one who can look after DD unless she is behaving like a 'normal' child which just doesn't happen.

Nothing gives me motivation any more, I can't go out and have a hobby, I have no friends, DD will often not go to bed until I do so I have virtually no time away from her, if she is at school all I want to do is crawl back in to bed, shut the curtains and ignore the world, I just don't want to interact with life.

Is this depression? I am terrified of Doctors and I think the way I feel is actually normal considering the situation. Is there a way to shake this off? Or am I kidding myself?

Sounds like it could be reactive depression. Please don't be afraid of seeking help.

Thanks, I will read up on it, I feel pretty sure this isn't clinical depression.

I don't know the right label to put on your condition/situation, but you seem to have assessed your problem:

I do not have a social life... I had to give up work...I can't go out and have a hobby, I have no friends... I have virtually no time away from her

What's clearly missing from your life is, well... your life. Who wouldn't be struggling? Who wouldn't feel 'depressed' even if they didn't have 'depression'? All this and your DH, instead of being able to support you, is often yet another demand on your resources.

But it does seem like there are gaps when your DD is at school, even if these times aren't reliably 'yours'. At the moment, you aren't making the most of them even when they do come along. Could you start by clawing back one tiny piece of 'you' during those times, perhaps by thinking of a list of short activities you would enjoy doing just for your own pleasure? Perhaps writing a poem, watching a film on DVD, taking a scented bath, texting a joke to your son, painting your nails, taking some artistic close-up photos for Instagram, ordering some fun stuff on Ebay or painting a pebble?

Probably all those things seem pointless considering the many issues in your life, but the important thing is to start by getting used to the idea that you deserve 'me' time.

Could your DH help to make up for the lack of time you have for your son by spending some quality time with him?

How are your finances? Could you pay someone like a nurse to cover DD's care occasionally? It sounds like it would be money well-spent, because you clearly need a break.

Sugarplumfairy28 I'm in a similar situation to you in that I just have no motivation to do anything. If I'm not at work I just don't leave my flat.
This was my day today. I got up at 1015. I then had breakfast and then lay on the sofa until 1515 sleeping /snoozing. I then had dinner at then lay back on the sofa sleeping and snoozing until 2115. I often think about suicide but I don't think I would do it but obviously you can never be sure. I just don't enjoy life.

@Yellowshirt if you are still keeping down a job, you're doing great! If snoozing on the sofa is your way of getting through the day, that's no different from lots of people on their day off

@flamedtoacrisp thanks. I'm going through a divorce. Without my job I think I would break. I absolutely hate time off.

Flamed My DH just keeps suggesting I should get anti depressants, but I don't think the way I feel is weird or needs medicating. He does try spend time with DS, but DS is only interested in his xbox which has had to be time restricted, we have both offered to do things with him but he doesn't like any of our suggestions, which would be fine but he does complain about being left out and overlooked.

Our DD is in this awkward gap where she has no diagnosis and in order to get anyone actually qualified to look after her, in any context, we need a diagnosis. We got the got ahead today for her to go into a paediatric psych hospital as an diagnostic inpatient, we're looking at 3-4 weeks of her being away. On the one hand its a break from her, but on the other hand I feel heartbroken its come down to this.

I usually have good intentions, think Oh DD will go to school and I can put some music on and go on my cross trainer, or do some of my string art projects, but I get back from the school run, the house looks like a wrecking ball has been through it, and I just lose all motivation. Right now my idea to try and deal with DD being away is to finally sort out the loft, its a pig sty, and its not something I can do with her around, and it really bugs me because I like things tidy and organised and it is so far from it, but honestly I'm not sure I'll be able to.

Yellow I totally understand, at the weekends I do what has to be done, and when the kids are having their allotted tv times I just crawl back into bed. I've thought about running away, even that the kids would be better off being adopted because I'm not doing enough, or keeping up or even just enjoying life. Going through a divorce is hard! Don't feel bad for needing those sofa days.

Sugar.... I've actually got worse over this past 2 months. I split from my wife 14 months a go.
I'm the same. I plan something like going for a run then I just say fcuk it and curl up. I was actually thinking today about running away to London or something. I just don't enjoy life and I actually don't want to go out and talk to people. I just want to bury my head.
Are you worried about the future or do you see a way out?

Yellow I'm very worried about the future everything I try just seems to fail miserably, believe it or not 3 weeks ago we were on holiday at Disneyland, our first ever family holiday. Between booking in January and going, I just lost all the excitement and panic and anxiety just got worse, our daughter's condition whatever it is has just gotten worse, I tried to be upbeat and excited in front of the children but ultimately Disney was terrible for us. Our trip to the UK at Easter was dreadful, our daughter had terrible meltdowns, on the street outside Hamleys, in the Natural history museum, in a tube station and then on the tube, I had to carry her from Convent Garden to Fenchurch street, she's not overweight or anything but still 27kg 8 year old and I have hip dysplasia, I had to stand outside with her having a meltdown at my MILs birthday dinner who was kind enough to choose a restaurant our daughter usually likes. On our way home she had another meltdown on the Ferry, actually throwing chairs around, another 2 in the car, one of which she was trying to kick my husband in the head while driving on the motorway in Belgium. I felt so defeated, we got home and I just sat on the sofa for weeks.

Every day with her is so demanding, I am battered, black and blue, her school is set in the dark ages it would seem and simply do not help, my parents actually live in our house! but can't/don't/won't help with her, but that's a whole different story.

I love my daughter, but right now having to deal with her in such a raw state feels like it is slowing killing me, I have no idea when we will get to a stage where I 'know' how to deal with her or get something that resembles normal life back. Right now I know I have to run to the shop, its not something I can really put off but just getting her out the door is just so hard.

Has something changed in the last 2 months?

Nothing has changed for me. I just miss my daughter so much and I hate the fact my wife still seems to be able to control me.
I think she actually wants me dead. Just yesterday I had a text from my daughter saying I need to give her £60 to enter a swimming competition and basically if I say I can't afford it it's another nail in mine and her relationship but my wife knows this and she earns far more than me as a teacher but she prioritizes take aways and alcohol.
I lost absolutely everything including the life I had my daughter and house but I feel there is no support for men. I'm heavily in debt as she abused me then had an affair and now I'm just sinking.
I have gone down hill so quickly recently though it is scaring me.

Yellow obviously I don't know your daughter, but did you used to have a much better relationship? The way you've put it, does read as emotional blackmail, perhaps for some reason her mother has said no to it, and you're her only option?

I'm not a stranger to how divorce can end up with one parent poisoning a child against the other parent.

Not sure if this link might be of use to you.
www.separateddads.co.uk/supportforseparatedfathers.html

Sugarplumfairy28. Her mum just always wants more from me. Whenever me and my daughter are building bridges her mum just has to cause an argument. Usually about money or changing last minute plans. But it's breaking me.
I'm so angry I've put so much effort and money into that house too. I think my daughter is just a typical teenager . She wants to relax in her bedroom at the weekends. She knows nothing else.
Without sounding horrible your daughter seems absolutely back breaking and hard work. Can't you and your hubby have a weekend break?

Yellow that sounds all too common, must be heartbreaking, how old is your daughter, have you started any formal proceedings?

Our daughter is really hard work, she sees a psychiatrist, but they've explained she is a complex case and she's been bumped straight to the top of the list for an diagnostic inpatient stay which starts next week. She is absurdly intelligent, (gifted on the intelligence test) she has something called Sensory Processing Disorder and there is something else going on, she is also bilingual and has suffered with separation anxiety. We live in a very rural area and have no friends who could look after her and my parents just won't. She has meltdowns and gets very aggressive and violent, its torture. DH and I barely get evenings to ourselves as currently getting her to go to sleep is basically impossible and frankly there is no-one who would be able to cope with her with the possible exception of my mother in law. Right now its 20 to 10 here and she has been out of her room 4 times, is not in the slightest tired, and now our son is pilling on and has been out twice with random reasons as to why his not asleep.

Sugarplum yep formal proceedings are well under way but she is 14 year old and doesn't mind sitting in her bedroom all day. The first thing her mother did when I moved out was fit sky tv into her room. My daughter just can't see through her mother's games and lies but it is going to destroy our relationship and I'm absolutely petrified of that and my wife knows it.
But I also won't keep throwing around money I haven't got as I want to own my own house one day not be in debt forever like my wife.
Your daughter must be absolutely awful when she has a moment. You and your husband must be at breaking point. You and your husband need another holiday alone!
The only thing that ever got my daughter to sleep was driving out in the car but she was very young. You must be pulling your hair out the pair of you.
Is she not on medication then to calm her?

Yellow I know 14 young old girls can be moody and distant, do you get a chance for much quality time? I know right now its no consolation but in time your side/your struggle/feelings can come to light and be appreciated, don't give up hope, just be honest with your daughter. I read about a lovely idea, set up an email account for your daughter, and just write to her, tell her how proud you are of her, when you first saw her, when you see things that remind you of her, silly things about your day, and give her the password when she's 18.

Ahhh yes the night time driving, this used to work with both our children, our son was actually the bad sleeper, our daughter used to be so easy! She would sleep through the night, be relatively easy to get to sleep, she would eat anything, generally a happy little thing. She's not on anything, we don't know what it is yet, but having said that medication would be terrible because she simply will not take any, her tooth exploded in June and she still wouldn't take anything, she literally screamed in agony non stop for about 6 hours and we ended up at an emergency dentist at 3am. She is going into hospital on Monday, and I am very very mixed about it, on the one hand I feel absolutely devastated that she has to be away for a month, but on the other hand I am at my wits end, I have no more tricks up my sleeve an everything is just a battle.

Sugarplum.
Quality time is rare if I'm honest but it is not through want of trying. I try and suggest things even simple things like let's get some fresh air and go for a walk but if it doesn't involve her tv, mobile phone or me spending money on.presents she has very little interests. She wants to lie in bed until dinner then watch tv and play on her phone. It's a bit of a nightmare really. A few months a go I asked her to put her phone away for a few hours but then her mum demanded I never do that again!
I take it you will visit the hospital every day anyway so it's not like you will get a holiday. Hopefully the doctors will come up with a diagnosis. At least you will have a calm house for a month and some sleep!!!

Yellow that's a toughie. Her Mum is kind of out of line though, its not unreasonable to ask a child to put the phone down! I'm not entirely sure what else you can do.

The hospital thing is a bit of a nightmare, we have had to have talks back and forth, ordinarily the 1st week the children don't usually have contact with the family, apparently it helps them settle in quicker and easier, but our daughter was having meltdowns just talking about that, so we now have arrangement that we can see her every day for as long as she needs, so that's something. There's also 4 different types of therapy they do that our daughter can invite us to participate in, so I'm going to be driving back and forth a lot, its 25 minutes each way. I'd like to say it will be nice and calm at home, but honestly I think we are all going to be pinning for her, while she is incredibly hard work, she is funny, and loving, she's always singing, so its going to be hard. My DH is currently obsessing over sorting out some gameboy games for her to take, and nothing else is getting done, which is usually a sign his not coping with everything going on and has found something to fixate on. Our son started senior school yesterday, his gone from a junior school with one class per year group, 5 classrooms in total in his school to a site with 4 separate schools, 16 bus stops, actually having to take a 50 minute bus ride, and he is also very emotional and somehow I'm meant to be picking up the slack and I just don't want to.

Sugarplum........ you will have to get control of your husband. Most men I know are guided by there other half. I actually miss that side of being married! !!!
My daughter is just going into year ten. Your son is very independent getting the bus. My daughter has been restricted mainly by her grandmother though interfering . To young to catch a bus...... and crap like that which I actually think frightened my daughter and made her less confident.
Hopefully despite your nightmare hospital journey you will get some rest and relaxation. Is your daughter not scared. Once she has had her melt down does she regret it and apologise?

I bet your son was nervous but he wouldn't admit it to his mother.

This sounds incredibly hard for both of you - you know what shines through on this thread the fact that despite how hard your lives are you can still find a connection and show each other support - that is admirable for both of you @Yellowshirt @sugarplumfairy28

I’m on here having been woken up by an owl - I think - second night on the trot - so as I believe there is a message in this I have to google and then come back on here.

I have depression - had it diagnosed over 20 years ago - on medication - the thread title caught me - I’m struggling too right now - too many changes happening all at once - and can’t get motivated - so so tired and in bed and on here - it’s a distraction to my own thoughts.

Reading your post @sugarplumfairy28 - your poor daughter - what is the point of being gifted if it causes this much tension - from what I’m reading it sounds like you are trying to fit a square peg into a round hole - it won’t work - unless you shave off the edges but then you have just got a round peg - it’s almost like she needs a totally different way of life - a totally different set of “rules” - when is she at her happiest - when she can just be herself? No tests? no conventional requirements?

I do hope her stay in hospital gives you the answers your looking for

@yellowshirt - it’s ok to check out of “life” when things are tough - you are doing what you need to to get by - you are still going through a horrendous time - if the body was going through the same stressors you would rest it - sometimes we need to do this to the mind too but for some reason in society it’s seen as a weakness still - we think we should be doing this doing that otherwise we are failing at life - but maybe we are the ones that are succeding.

Your divorce sounds horrendous - I’ve been through a really acrimonious divorce - there is still ongoing emotional abuse of my kids - they’ve just turned 18 - you’d think it would stop?

I think you are both doing amazing despite your difficulties - have faith in your own strength - sending love to help you through x

Greenberet thankyou for Your lovely post. I'm also awake at a silly time in the morning again. I Think I'm a failure at the moment. I just don't have anything to look forward to.
Shouldn't your medication relax you and get you off to sleep? My divorce is tough and I'm not saying I was this perfect husband. I just wish she would not lying and controlling me.

sugarplumfairy there is so much resting on your shoulders and you cannot carry on the way things are. The depression or lack of motivation you are feeling is a sign from your body that something needs to change; you need to rest and take some time out for yourself.

The current situation is not sustainable. And impossible though it seems, if you don't ruthlessly carve out some time for yourself, you will not be able to continue to support your dd in the way you have been doing previously. Perhaps if you post on the sn boards here you will gain some guidance as to how to give yourself a break when it seems impossible to do so.

Speaking as an outside observer with no experience of children with sn (so please forgive me if I am talking through my hat) I think you may need, just at the point when you feel very frail, to become quite ruthless and selfish in order to create some quite strict boundaries.

So, for example, when you dd is away at school being assessed next week, I would, hard though it seems, comply with the "no visit" rule. This may sound very harsh but she will be in the care of experienced professionals who need to assess her, and frankly you need to grab that precious time for you and your son. (And although it sounds awful in a way, if they see her most extreme behaviours in the assessment phase , although she will be stressed in the short term, it might very well help your daughter to get the correct support she needs in the short term).

I would also determine to be there for your son when he needs you starting at his new school - let him know he comes first for one or two days - and again, leave any potential problems with your daughter to her school for that period of time only (easy though it is for me to say!).

And with your dd away next week could you possibly call a family meeting including your dh, parents and parents in law and tell them how much you are struggling? Read to them some of what you have written here. (People have a way of just going along with the status quo until a warning flag goes up.)

I think the aim of the meeting should be some ring-fenced time each week for yourself - six hours minimum would be a good start - three of which you can devote exclusively to your son - and three of which you use exclusively for yourself to go out or to do something you enjoy. At the same time, could you address why your parents don't help more than they do? What is stopping them? Is there anything you can do to help them help you more?

And although you are probably sick of medical appts and scared of doctors, could you possibly set yourself up with counselling from a licensed psychologist? (Try and get a personal recommendation.) The reason I suggest this is that a good one will enable you to off-load your worries each week, offer emotional support, help you to develop the strength to create some boundaries in your life (for your own survival) and help you to support your dd and DH whilst at the same time setting up more support for yourself so that you are not continually at breaking point. After all, raising DC is a marathon, not a sprint.

Good luck op . It's a terrible cliché but you cannot constantly "give" and "give" when your bag is empty. Your depression is a warning sign that you need to take some time out for yourself and replenish the supply.

Yellowshirt no advice but don't give up and good luck to you too!

@sugarplumfairy28

Watch this

www.ted.com/talks/ken_robinson_how_to_escape_education_s_death_valley?language=en

yellow - I used to be on here a lot during my divorce - do you have any support in real life - maybe you need to go back and see your GP - especially if you are having suicidal thoughts - I’ve been here - everything just gets too much

If you get to spend time with your dd I would just let her be in her room on her phone - I understand that ideally you want to interact with her but she’s at a difficult age - maybe get a couple of dvds that would appeal to her some snacks and food she would like and just pretend you are a teen again.

Maybe she is feeling it as much as you are - I used to have some real wrangles trying to get kids off phones but in the end it just took too much energy - but it’s not just kids that are addicted to their phones it’s adults too!

I am really struggling today too -just got to dig deep

Yellow There is kind of 2 sides to my DH, the one where his meds are working and he is 'normal', normal wife nagging works then. Then this other side where his own mental health is under attack, he disassociates frequently, his mind will be racing, he'll have a list of 20 things he is 'doing' but none actually get done and he ends up fixated on thing, if I start pilling on, nagging him it just makes things worse, currently he is on the verge of being bed ridden, which I really don't need right now.

Our DS, is a bit of a drama queen, there's no 'manly brave face' he puts on things, which I think is absolutely fine. Its just overwhelming for me when it all happens at once. We are incredibly rural, we were very lucky that the local junior school is in our village so his been walking to school. Here it is completely normal for kids to get on the school bus alone from Kindergarten age, its just worked out our children won't need the bus until senior school age. He seemed a lot better yesterday about school, he whatsapp messaged my DH at break time saying 'it was going better'.

Don't give up hope on your daughter, year 10 is when the school starts piling on pressure and it kicks up a gear, take any opportunity you get with her. With the Ex, just hang in there, give yourself time to heal and do whatever it is your body/mind needs, it is OK!

Green Thank you for your kind words! Our biggest problem is school! It is definitely them trying to fit a square peg in round hole, they have all but admitted that! One of the potential diagnosis' is something called ODD (Oppositional Defiance Disorder) she really has a problem with authority, and school is a clear example of that. Our DD can make an iron clad logical argument for pretty much anything, which brings a lot of things down to 'because I'm in charge' She is happiest in water although technically she is a non swimmer, she loves to be in the forest or around animals, when there is no-one telling her what to do and she can just be free. She loves being around the horses (we live opposite stables) we have 11 cats that she loves, even the psychiatrist has noticed her connection to animals, she will frequently bring her 2 big dogs in and has said how easily our DD can connect with them, command them, on Monday at the clinic our DD was having an anxiety attack out in the hall, her psychiatrist didn't have her dogs, but her colleague did so she brought her dog down, and everything just fell back into place. Unfortunately this world doesn't allow you to be free all the time though.

Eeyore I do struggle always have done, to put myself first, I have however taken a 'stand' with our DD that I am not staying up all night with her. Thursday night I got woken up at 4am, it was her, saying she wasn't tired, and I said I am not getting up, I need to sleep even if you don't and went back to bed. Last night despite having been up at since 4am she was saying she couldn't go to bed because her room was scary, its not! to be honest I think she is anxious about next week, but I said to her I'm not staying up all night, and I'm not sleeping in her bed. I felt terrible! She got a 10 minute cuddle in her bed, and she is still asleep now.

Unfortunately I can't not go and see her every day while she is at the hospital. She has recently had an incredibly traumatic operation for her teeth, and the clinic agree forcing no contact on her will traumatise her further, this was what the anxiety attack in the hall was about and I will go as much as she needs. My DH has been sitting on the internet trying to find things for me do, I used to do cross stitch and he knows I wouldn't spend money on myself so his been trying to figure out ones I would like to do. Although currently my plan for when I'm home alone is to sort out our loft and just try to physically wear myself out so I'm not up all night thinking and worrying. DS likes to chat, so he'll get plenty of time for that, and likes cooking his dinner which usually is just unsafe with DD around so we can do that.

My parents are another issue altogether, basically I am doing what any Mum should do, and I shouldn't ask for help all the time and should just get on with it, because that's what parents do, and! I should have expected to never have a night off for 18 years when we had children. My MIL lives in the UK, but she comes over twice a year, when she is here, she will look after the kids, and not complain or whinge about it, she offers to do it. A couple of years ago DH bought me concert tickets for my birthday, my parents wanted them babysitting (an hour before bedtime and then put them to bed, back when DD did actually go to bed, baring in mind they live in the same house) to be my birthday present (the concert was several months after my birthday), we jokingly said to MIL she should fly out in the morning, babysit and go home the next day, as it was less hassle then my parents, my MIL actually booked a flight and came over for 3 days just to babysit.

I just wanted to say thank you to all for replying!

sugar watch that ted talk - I came across it with no connection to schooling and children -

You are dealing with so much - your DH sounds like he is overwhelmed too - you know all these “labels” we give to people - I’m not sure they are effective - who’s interest are they in - people are what they are - I actually think the people who have been “labelled” as such are the ones fighting against a world that doesn’t work anymore

This may be a bit too far out but have you thought about educating your daughter - you say she is gifted I’m sure she would learn pretty quickly - she obviously connects with animals because they are “free” - dogs are not being forced to be like cats, cats are not being forced to be like sheep - we accept them for what they are and work with that

I know it’s very difficult to go against the grain - we are meant to “conform” but this doesn’t work for everyone.

Personally I wouldn't bother with the loft - use the time for yourself - you are important too - unless you are moving imminently the stuff up there can wait.

Your daughter sounds like she has so much energy - is this not the opposite of depression where we haven’t got the energy to get out of bed - I would love to have her energy I would accomplish so much - but I am me - and she is her

Good luck x

Have you tried meditation - thinking and worrying is natural in your situation - you are allowed to do this you know -x