How to live with depression

[Youresocool87]

Is it possible? I’m literally sat here in tears because I’m so scared of what it’s going to do to my life.

I had never really had any anxiety or depression until my son was born two years ago. PND hit me hard and I was referred for CBT when he was a few months old. It absolutely did wonders and helped me get on the right tracks to feeling more like myself again. I naively believed that once it passed I’d be fine in the future. How wrong I was. Last year was pretty positive, I think there were maybe two occasions where I felt low for a week or two. Then we made the decision to move in with my MIL whilst we save for a deposit for our first home. This hit me like a tonne of bricks and I’m starting to believe has contributed to how I’m feeling now. Don’t get me wrong I am extremely grateful to her for putting us up, it’s not easy what with our son running around up early etc. But she is so difficult to live with. There are constantly passing comments about what he eats, having a dummy etc. She is always at home so I’m getting no personal space (I know I sound bad but I’m just being honest) and she isn’t very nice to my husband. Throw into that me setting up and starting up a kids wear business three months ago that I fear is going to fail and there you have it. Oh and I’ve had the entire summer holidays off as my job is at a school so have been alone with my son or myself the duration which I struggle with. Bad eating habits have returned and I don’t exercise. I tell my husband and mum pretty much everything and they mostly tell me that it will pass.

My relationship with my son is amazing and I’m a confident mother, but the depression and anxiety comes back in awful waves. So bad that I feel like I’m not going to come out of this alive. It’s like I fear the next bout of it if that makes sense? It probably doesn’t help that I’ll read or hear of horror stories of people that have committed suicide and then start to think ‘that’ll be me’ or I won’t live until I’m that old etc etc. I’m also experiencing horrendous intrusive thoughts which I suffered with when my son was a baby. Sorry for the rambling, I just wish someone could give me the magic answer. How do I live with this? I spotted this one coming last week and I wish I knew what steps to take to make it all easier.

Hi,
I have lived with depression all my life. From around age 17 to 55. It's bloody challenging but it can be done.

My own recipe for living with it is:

Take frequent breaks from it. If you feel better when you go for a walk/run or when you watch a comedy or cuddle an animal or DC etc, do these things often. Make a list of things that give you a 5-10 minute break from feeling rough and ensure you do as many of them as you can each day. These don't make you feel better afterwards but they do press pause. Very valuable.

Use CBT techniques to check in with yourself. Notice small victories. Turn damaging thoughts around by having some sane questions on standby. E.g. if you start getting obsessed with: My business is going to fail, let Sane Voice take over and say: Businesses are very challenging in their early months and its extremely common for them not to make a profit for three years. It's normal to have hiccups and learn from mistakes. I picked this business because I saw a gap in the market and I know it can fit in with me being a mum. I can make it work. But maybe I'd feel more confident if I went on a marketing/bookkeeping course/started small/set aside 30mins each night once DC's in bed to develop the website. Talk to yourself in a nice kind, sane voice. Practise challenging the depressive voice. I find that so helpful.

Journal. In your journal make a list each day of what you have done that day that was worthwhile, however tiny: (I hung out the washing, I let MiL talk at me so she didn't feel lonely, I had a lovely giggly cuddle with DS that he loved and so did I, I searched online for baby clothes supplier etc. That will help you recognise that you are needed and valued in the world. Suicide is not an option. Add a gratitude/blessings list as well. Just three things each day that you are glad about.

Book small and large things in your near and distant future that you look forward to. Anything from taking DS to see Santa tin Lapland when he's old enough to having a quiet drink with your partner tonight when he gets in from work.

Life is long. You have massive stresses right now. It's understandable you feel down. And you are right to be watchful that it doesn't tip into another depression. But you are doing loads of things right already. You are talking about it (I never did) You are focusing on how much you adore being with your DS. (That will help.) You are acknowledging what is genuinely challenging about life at the moment. (This helps give a fair perspective on life.)

In time you will be in your own place. Your business will be up and running. Or you will have chosen another direction. Your DS will be happy and settled and so will you.

I truly am a very happy person who has a battle with lifelong depression. I hate it. I get furious with it for interrupting and holding me back in so much of my life, but in between bouts of it, I think I enjoy life more than most, because I've trained myself to really really appreciate the small things in life. The joy of a snuggle with the cat or a half hour comedy, or the sound of DC laughing in another room or the glimpse of a rare bird in our garden. I take massive pleasure in the every day. And I put massive effort into making sure there is always something to look forward to - an outing, a holiday, an interesting work project. I know a lot of non-depressives who are much sourer and more cynical about life than I am.

Thank you so much for your response. You are an inspiration to me for getting through it and not letting it rule your life.

You are completely right re the massive stresses, it’s like in a way I’m blind to it. I’ve forgotten what it feels like to have a home of our own and if I’m honest now the thought of it terrifies me. Even though living with MIL is so hard.

What scares me is that each time the depression returns it seems to be worse than the last time? I have always journaled since having CBT when son was newborn, but stop whenever I feel better which is so stupid. My last post was on 20th May where I specifically wrote a letter to myself saying how good I felt and that I’m stronger than I know. Which made me cry a lot today because I really don’t feel strong at the moment.

I’m also getting suicidal images in my head which terrify me because I don’t want to kill myself, just the thought of that makes me so sad. I just don’t understand why this is happening to me. I’m so scared that tomorrow or the next day or whenever I won’t want to get out of bed. My sleeping eating showering etc is all fine but I live in fear that one day I won’t want to do all of that and be stuck there forever :(

Well, while you aren't yet at that not sleeping/eating/showering/gettingoutofbed stage do everything you can to stop it taking hold. It honestly does feel like a battle with dragons sometimes. I find it very helpful to think of it as an invasion of my 'real' self. So it's fine to tell it to eff off, you have a gorgeous son and you have no intention of leaving him motherless.
Just as you can be very critical and harsh towards the depression, be very kind towards yourself. Remind yourself you are not well, so if you do need a day of doing very little, that's allowable. Sometimes it takes every scrap of energy just to protect out loved ones from the depths of the illness. If you manage that, and can tuck your DS in at night without having frightened him or threatened his security, then it's a good day's work.

Sorry - that maybe sounded bossy. I meant to add . You are doing so well under challenging circumstances. Always allow yourself the option to take medication if you need. The early days on Citalopram were a lifeline to me. I felt normal again. It was a miracle drug. I stayed on it too long and had problems with weight gain and really fuzzy thinking but short term, it's such a kind drug.

Thank you so much for your kind words. I really am at a loss tonight I can’t stop crying. I’m calling the GP first thing. I just want to be happy.

Tell the GP about the crying. It's a classic indicator. I am so sorry you are going through this. PM me if you want to.

Hi @Youresocool87
How did the GP visit go?

@Youresocool87 hello sweetie ! And hello to @growlingbear too. Following this thread as unfortunately, I'm going through the same with depression at the moment. I suffer with it and anxiety and like you both, mine comes back every few years too. Usually triggered by changes in my life. Buying a house, end of a relationship, a new job etc. I'm a single parent of a 7 yr old boy, I work full time and have very little family support around me. I've been on my own with my son almost all of his life as his dad walked out when he was a baby. No luck with men at all but finally met the most wonderful man and was blissfully happy for a year. 3 weeks ago he dumped me as he can't cope with my anxiety - which had re-emerged due to some things I've got going on in life. I'm heartbroken and the depression has returned too. The future is so scary and I feel there is no light at the end of the tunnel since this keeps coming back every few years. I'll also never keep a relationship because of my anxiety issues.

Hoping your doctors appointment helped today @Youresocool87 have they suggested medication ? I really think it might help. Here always if either of you want to talk. Joined here today hoping to find ladies going through similar xx

Thank you both for your kind supportive words.

Doctors app was positive. I told him absolutely everything, my deepest darkest fears and thoughts and how upset I’ve been this week. He has referred me for more therapy, unfortunately a lot of this is down to my living situation and finances, he said he feels like I wouldn’t be in this place mentally if we were in our own home. Which is obviously rubbish but kind of comforting? If that makes sense. When I told him what was going on in my life he basically said he’s not surprised I’ve been feeling on edge and depressed. I did ask him if I could try an anti depressant but he said they don’t guarantee to get rid of negative thoughts. So for now I’ve not been prescribed anything just the referral for more therapy.

I have been doing 15 minute you tube work outs when I wake up, which I feel are helping? Bear in mind I’ve not exercised for two years! I’ve also been getting out of the house as much as physically possible.

I want to educate myself more on it though because I know if I’m more educated than I know how my mind is working and what steps to take to not let it spiral. @growlingbear when you feel it coming on what steps do you take?

@MummyRM100 hope you’re feeling ok this morning. Sounds like you have a LOT going on. Three weeks is still so fresh. As you can see by this post I’m clearly no expert but please allow yourself some time and be kind to yourself for feeling sad lost etc. If only we could take our own advice hey! X

Wow. How can you feel okay one minute and absolutely not coping the next? I was fine this morning. Took my son to nursery and went to work. In the space of an hour I was on the train home having absolutely awful thoughts and on the verge of a panic attack. I’m so sick of this. And so scared

@Youresocool87 I'm so sorry to hear you were feeling this way today and I didnt want to read and run. My DH has struggled with depression and anxiety for years now and he is on medication which does make a difference. Do you think maybe you could try to go back to the doctors again and ask about medication? I know that DH also finds that hypnosis can help him - have you tried anything like that? He sometimes listens to that if he's feeling anxious and it can help.

Thank you I’m going to try hypnosis now. I’ve calmed down a bit since I posted but it still shakes me to my core. I just wish it would go away.

DH says the hypnosis does help him as he ends up in a deep sleep and will feel better once he wakes so hopefully that will help you too. I think that talking about it helps too - do you have people you can speak to?

For me, I have to avoid alcohol and really exercise. I’ve joined a local running club which has been fabulous as they are lovely and they push me much harder than I would alone.

I also try and gain some control. I can fall into a pit of helplessness and everything seems to be out of my hands. So at the moment I’m in a bit of a pit where I’ve been feeling almost out of body and teary. Like I’m not me - I know why; it’s because of work. So I’m taking control by deciding to apply for new jobs and putting boundaries in place. Also not drinking - because by being mindful I’ve noticed it makes me feel so bleak the next day.

@Youresocool87 - yep I'm the same with the mood swings and being so up and down. Most days actually. I've had a really bad day with depression today. Worst in weeks. But this evening something positive happened and it's given me a real high. I'm polar opposite to how I was earlier today and even up until tea time. It's scary isn't it !

Defo agree that you need medication and I don't really rate your doctor for not prescribing something. Yes the doctor is possibly right when he says your mental health wouldn't be as bad if you were in your own home etc. But the fact is you're NOT in your own home and you ARE struggling regardless of why or why not. I would see a different doc x

Thanks all. Going back to gp this morning. Seems to be a bit of a pattern where I feel fine in the morning and ready to take the day, but by evening, because of so many intrusive thoughts I give up. I just need something to take the edge off it. If you could let me know any of your experiences on anti depressants that would be helpful x

@Youresocool87 glad you're back at the doctors today hun that's good to hear you're making active steps to get this sorted. Personally my depression and anxiety is always really really bad in the mornings and eases as the day goes on so you're the other way round to me! I can't get out of bed some mornings and the despair and anxiety is horrific.

I've been on citalopram and now I'm on fluoxetine. No problems with either of them. Take a while to work tho x

Hi OP, growlingbear here with a name change.

When I feel it coming on, one of the first things I do is try to scale back my commitments. I know I won't be able to cope so I cancel everything I absolutely don't need to do. I try to set up some healthy habits before it is too entrenched, such as using CBT to challenge intrusive thoughts - in my head, out loud and in my journal.

I also set myself a project of doing something - however small - that I've never done before every day. Not sure why this works but I think it might be that when you do new stuff your brain tracks different neural pathways and when you are depressed it does the opposite, it seems to short circuit or go on a loop.

Again, I keep track of new things in my journal - anything form trying new cafe, walking down a new road, buying a new nail varnish to more ambitious things like applying for a new job, trying a new kind of sport, learning a new skill etc.

If I get to that crying for no reason all the time stage, or if I find I've spent a few days in mental lockdown, doing nothing but deal with intrusive thoughts, then I go to GP for medication. But these days I'm trying to avoid that as I was on it for years and years and the side effects were quite damaging, long term. (Short term, I think they are great, just not to rely on them for years, which is a mistake I made.)

My experience of ADs:
Paroxetine (Seroxat) - was on this long term. ON it I felt nothing - not depressed but not happy either. It blocked all feelings. I became super efficient on it - like a lively robot. Zero sex drive.

Fluoxetine (Prozac) - made me quite irritable. Took ages and ages to work. For three months I was desperate, No effect at all. But it was effective in the end. Not a good one for a crisis. (Citalopram was better for feeling well very rapidly.) Zero sex drive.

Sertraline - couldn't stand it. It made me feel violently sick. I stayed on it only about three days.

Citalopram. I loved this. At first it was ideal. I stopped feeling depressed but didn't lose my other emotions. I felt human again. It was a real life saver. I was on it far too long. After a year or so, I just felt blissed out on it. Just calm and placid - nothing bothered me and generally, I felt happy. But I was putting on so much weight. Then I started sleeping far too much and slowing down physically - finding it hard to walk fast or move quickly. Then my brain got really foggy. I just lost my intelligence - which really was awful for a teacher. I had to stop work for a while and come off it. I've been off it totally for over a year now and I feel like my brain has come back. I don't oversleep as much as I did. But am still very overweight.

My advice would be, stay on them for no more than six months. Come off them incredibly slowly - titrate over three months. Work hard as you come off them to have really good self care in place, as you will inevitably have some very dark days when you come off them, but these won't necessarily last.

They're worth taking. But they are not a great long term solution.

@MummyRM100 - out of interest - why did you swap from Citalopram to Fluoxetine?

@milliefiori I just needed to try a different one hun as citalopram I felt had stopped working for me. Well not stopped working as such but I was frightened as I was still getting really bad dips. I asked could I try something else to take as a maintenance dose that might stop the dips in my MH being so bad and maybe keep me on a more even keel x

Thank you for those tips. Good to follow.

I haven’t taken the first tablet yet to be honest I’m really anxious to. Still feeling so bad and having such bad thoughts. I feel like even my son is picking up on it now he doesn’t want to be around me.

Get the tablet down you @Youresocool87 !! They take at least 3 weeks to kick in so get it down you now ! How old is your son ? I guarantee he isn't picking up on it. My boy is 7 now and I worry about hiding it from him
But to be honest I don't think he notices apart from when I'm being sick with anxiety x

Hi OP I've got a lifelong struggle with depression and have found this thread really helpful. Exercise really helps for me but the relentlessness of my sadness is getting me down right now. Citalopram works well for me most of the time but I can still have really low times. Definitely take whatever pills you've been prescribed. I've been on all sorts over the years. Turns out I'm allergic to fluoxetine but everything else has been fine.

Sorry to hear you’re having a hard time @ValancyRedfern - I took my first tablet Tuesday night so am technically on day two. Last night was awful. I was up pretty much all night, shaking, heart beating very fast and sweating. I hope it passes soon.