Don't want to be alive

[Hazel997]

Sorry probably going to be a long one. I just feel so so down I don't know what to do, I don't want to be alive but I wouldn't go through with anything as I'm too scared and have a child I love to bits.

Just stuck in such a rut. I moved far away to come to uni and I hate it. I've never felt so depressed and lonely, I go weeks without having a proper conversation with an adult and I can't cope with it anymore.

I feel so trapped, I can't move because if I dropped out I would be on UC which would be a fair bit less than what I get now. I wouldn't be able to get a place as houses in my hometown are expensive and won't rent to people on benefits. I'm soon to be stuck to another years contract here which is hours away from anyone I know (not that I have many friends but it's still soemthing knowing people), I have no family support so I'm completely alone. I've been on/off seeing someone who's an alcoholic and I know it's not right at all but putting up with his crap is easier than being suicidal from loneliness.

I just really don't know what to do. On top of it all I feel so guilty for my daughter having to watch me cry and be depressed all the time but I can't stop. I wake up crying and go to sleep crying and can't motivate myself to do anything. The thought of having another 2 years like this is terrifying me and I don't know If I can make it!

The only good thing is that I'm not really struggling financially but that's what's stopping me doing anything. I have a nice place and get a fair amount of financial help but if I left here I would struggle and quote frankly be without a place to live.

Would really appretiate some advice right now :(

Have you spoke to your doctor? I think practical wise that would be the first step to coping with depression. It is extremely common and nothing to be ashamed of, it can be treated and your mental health would hopefully improve - though it will take time so please don’t be discouraged if you don’t see an immediate effect.

As hard as it is, being with an alcoholic is not what you need. I know loneliness can be crippling (been there myself) and sometimes even the worst people for us seem better than the alternative but they’re really not.

You are so incredibly strong to be a single parent and go to uni at the same time. It might not feel like it but you are. You will have had to overcome so many obstacles already to get this far and you have made it.

Do you have a guidance councillor at uni? They can be a great source of support and help, if you can make an appointment with them they’ll be able to help a fair bit (even if it’s just to lend a shoulder to cry on).

Depending on your daughters age, is there any parent groups/meet ups etc around you? Is she in nursery/school? I found involving myself in events going on at DCs school and nursery helped my mental health a lot when I was feeling crushed by loneliness. It also gave me something else to think about/work on and kept me more occupied and feeling less isolated.

Can you plan a visit back to your hometown for a few days? Could help too.

You’ve got this, you’re going to be ok. The first step is recognising that life is tough and you’re not feeling the best

I don’t think I could say anything more perfectly than the PP who absolutely nailed it. I hope you follow her advice

Have a handhold from me. I hope tomorrow is a better day

Thank you for your advice! That's exactly it, it feels easier dealing with the pain from him that the loneliness and I'm stuck in such a rut, every time I run back!

My little one goes to nursury while I'm at uni but no one really speaks its just a netter of dropping her off. As to the doctor advice, I am going to go, I've just always been very anti medication as I feel like it's my circumstances that are making me so depressed and I can't change them at all. I'm so stuck, although mental health is in my family so perhaps a part of it is genetically based.

I just can't remember the last time I was happy and I can't deal with it anymore. I've recently been down to my hometown but the only person I have to stay with is the alcoholic so its not practical especially with my daughter. But saying that i even prefer it there as there's at least some company!

Hello Hazel997
Keep posting here, there are some lovely and helpful people here on MN. MN gave me the feeling of company when I too felt quite alone.
What are you studying at uni? Well done, it's tough. I am a single parent and just qualified after 5 years of study. I found it difficult too. I went along to a wellbeing practitioner and a counsellor too. Both helped.

Hand hold from me too... I know what you mean about knowing why you're depressed regarding medication etc. I felt the same when I was going through a stressful divorce. I wouldn't be depressed if it wasn't for my circumstances, however my lovely GP encouraged me to take fluoxetine just to get through it. It really helped and you're doing a fantastic job of getting a degree and caring for your DD singlehandedly....there is light at the end of the tunnel...xxx

Honey, there is nothing wrong with reaching out to your GP for some short term chemical assistance. You may find that with the help of the little green and yellow pills you find you can cope a bit better. They worked for me - took them for 6 months whilst I sorted the issues causing the depression then weaned off the tabs and have nit needed them since (6 years and counting). So, as they say, this too shall pass.

Uni can be a very lonely place when you are feeling strong so if you are low, I cannot imagine how rough it must be. Please go talk to your GP, tell him/her everything you have said here. They WILL help you. Asking for help does not mean you are weak - quite the opposite it means you are strong enough to want to get better and not give in. Hugs!!

Have you had any counselling? Uni will have counsellors you can access.
I agree about going to toddler groups or student meet ups, the park, church...anywhere to have a friendly conversation.
Being a parent is really hard but it sounds like you are doing an amazing job. Keep going, one day at a time.

Hi Hazel997,
we are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when threads like this are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We also like to remind everyone that, although we're awed daily by the astonishing support our members give each other through life's trickier twists and turns, we'd always caution anyone never to give more of themselves to another poster, emotionally or financially, than they can afford to spare.

We'd also like to add our voices to the chorus of people saying how much they admire you in being able to combine being a student and being a parent. It's hard enough being one!

Just a short message to say you’re not alone. ❤️

I hope things are less stressful and happier for you soon. It seems your partner may be a bigger problem than you want to say.

💐💐 to you OP. Yes to GP and university counselling- try your Students Union too, they may be able to help. Also try Gingerbread - it's for single parents- there are loads of us here and we're very nice. Unmumsnetty hugs 💐💐

Thank you so much for all the kind responses, you're all so lovely!!

I am going to book a GP appointment and perhaps may have to resort to medication for a while! I think I've needed counselling for a long time but have never been one to talk about feelings so I've been putting it off.

It's just so horrible, I constantly push myself and regardless of everything I tyr to go out as much as possible but it's usually just myself and my daughter and even when we're out it's so lonely, especially seeing happy families everywhere you go.

I'll have to pluck up the courage to talk to student support also. I've never really had anyone to speak to about things so I find it really difficult to open up beyond surface level, so that's going to be a challenge to overcome in itself

Just a reminder: Sometimes when you are “seeing happy families everywhere you go” you are actually seeing some excellent acting.

Sending hugs. Keep talking to everyone on here. One thing at a time. Maybe have a plan like -

Ring the doctors. By next Wednesday.

Ring the student support. By next Friday.

Do half an hours self care. Bath and book or walk (whatever you like) once a day or week.

Just do what you can.

Listen to how much better you sound already!! I’m so pleased to hear it

The world can seem such a lonely overwhelming place but there is help out there

I’d love to hear how you go with the GP and student services if you feel like updating