i feel like shit

[NameChangerNotATroll]

i have a 7mo ds, been married almost a year. when ds was first born everything was great - he slept really well, establishing bf-ing was no problem, he put on weight really quickly. my HV seemed to undermine me at every turn, but it was ok, because i thought i was doing well.

seven months in, he wakes every 2 hours in the night for a feed, he's still in our room, he won't eat solids (BLW or purees) and yes i know that they don't really eat till 7 or 8 months, but my friend's babies are all chuffing it down and sleeping 12 hours in their own rooms or at least in their own beds!

the house is a state - i never seem to get time to do the basic things like wash up or hoover, i usually end up doing some ready meal shit for dinner which i hate because i can cook and i know crappy ready meals are full of salt and fat and aren't going to help me lose weight, so i'm fat and ugly and it's just getting harder and harder every fucking day.

everyone told me that it would get easier at 6 weeks, then at 12 weeks and then at 6 months, but it's more and more difficult. he's sleeping worse and eating less, his weight gain has slowed right down (and yes, again, i know that's normal, but other babies who are 4 weeks younger are 2lbs heavier and still gaining and they're bf too) i'm rubbish at weaning, the only person who can get him to eat is dh and then only purees. every finger food i give him he gags on and then is sick.

there are so many issues here, i should be posting in breast and bottle feeding, weaning, good housekeeping, relationships...god i feel like such a fuckup loser.

i'm starting to think that having ds was a horrible mistake, i'm too young and stupid, and i just want to run away. i've seriously thought about just getting up early (earlier, anyway) and leaving, but i don't have my own income at the moment (unpaid mat leave) and anyway, how can i leave my baby?

i know i may have a mild bout of PND, or baby blues or whatever you want to call it, but i can't speak to my hv or gp, they've already issued thinly veiled threats about SS and i was threatened with a ward of court when i was in hospital. on the one hand, i'm terrified of them taking my baby away, on the other hand i think it's the best thing that could happen.

if anyone has any advice, or help to offer, i'd listen. i'm seriously at the end of my tether and i don't know what to do

I'm not sure if any of my thought will help, but I will offer them anyway, in case anything clicks with you.

First of all, ds is 9mo and while things have been going well for the last couple of weeks, I can remember less than a month ago thinking exactly what you describe - wanting to get up and run away! I have to say that this part of your post was the most reassuring, or should be to you, because you say that you can't leave the baby. Regardless of his eating/sleeping habits, or the state of your house, as long as you love your baby and want the best for him, then you're doing fantastically well.

Now, your housekeeping. I've always been a really messy person. When ds was born, and I was home all day, I thought that I had to do everything, and I had to do it all at once. I'm talking cleaning all the windows, mopping constantly, getting all the dishes done, as well as being a good mother to ds. I was insane, I realise that now. So, I've made priorities. I vacuum one room every day, ds is crawling so I know this is important. I TRY to clean his highchair table after every meal, but it's usually before each one, when he's crying at me to eat. I guess my point is that I do the basics, and I don't push myself anymore. I also ask dh to pitch in, and thank him when he does. He's getting better and better at doing chores without my asking.

I found with ds that he only started sleeping 'through the night' when he was in his own room. This is not a universal experience, mind you, I've heard as many different sleep stories as I've met babies. I found that ds wakes a lot at night, but I was getting up to get him so he wouldn't wake dh. Now, he puts himself back to sleep after a couple of wails. This happened at six months.

I've tried to address some specific aspects of your post, but I know that it all builds up to a general feeling of despair and anxiety. All I can say to this is that we all feel it. Maybe if you find some other mums that you can open up to, you'll find that we all, at some time or other, are desperate to share these feelings of helplessness.

Good luck.

PS I found the best medicine was a couple hours sleep. Tell dh not to wake you for x amount of time and let your body and mind rest!

I am so sorry you are feeling so low. Sleep deprivation on top of depression is going to make you feel even worse. My suggestion is always to speak to GP (not so much faith in HV) I know it's hard, I have suffered wih depression in the past and walking into the doctors and asking for help took me a long time.
You mentioned thinly veiled threats re SS. Having PND is not grounds for taking your baby I promise.
I know it feels like life will never get better.I know it feels like no one has any clue how bad you are feeling and you just want the world to fuck off and leave you alone....but I poemise it can and does get better when you get the help that you need and deserve. x

You sound like you really do have the blues. Everything else is just the domino effect of that, but it's hard to see it at the time, it's colouring your vision.

If you're genuinely worried SS could be an issue, can you check with Citizens Advice, ask if they have anyone who can advise on family law, explain your circs and see if there is any real risk of involvement? I don't want to go charging in saying 'they're your health-care team and nothing will happen if you're depressed, they'll just treat you' - I would have thought they just owed you the care you need, but if you are really worried, check first. You need to get help for your own health first, and everything else will slowly become managable - it must be so hard for you to feel things are so black.

I'm so sorry you're having such a tough time. You have a lovely baby who you're everything to -for his and your sake, check the repercussions first, then seek some medical help- PND is not something you are to blame for, or have brought upon yourself. I really hope they support and help you. [hug]

sorry for your situation and lots of hugs.
i dont understand why the threats about ss from gp and hv.
they should support you about your health and the baby's health.
it seems you need rest-sleep, and not all the babies are same. he maybe teething or something else. did gp say anything about his health, why he is not eating, etc?
putting him in his room to sleep can be good, and more help from your dp can be good.
do you have a routine for you and the baby?
xxx

well i just managed to get ds to sleep on me, and then there was a massive spider on the floor. i shouted for dh and woke ds up. so that's just rubbish.

i don't want to admit i've got PND i guess. i have suffered with depression in the past, and have been on every AD from Amytriptiline to Zopiclone, none of them worked for me. i know AD's for PND are a different kettle of fish because it's treating a hormonal imbalance, but i'm still very wary of them as i've had horrible side effects from Seroxat, Prozac and Citalopram. there's no chance of any cognitive counselling, i had to work for 6 years to get counselling to deal with an abuse issue i had, and even then it wasn't NHS (was a voluntary organisation dealing with abuse issues)

i know it's reassuring to say that i love my baby, but sometimes when he's crying and i can't work out why i feel totally dispassionate towards him. it scares me

please believe us , it does get better, but i found i had to wait til both my children were past around 12mths til i could start enjoying them, i am rubbish with babies and all the things you just described could have been me 2 years ago,especially the sleep deprivation and frustration about how much food they eat.

my dd used to eat nothing at all apart from milk til she was about 11mths! i used to get so wound up but now she is 8 and very tall, on the county gymnastics squad, highest marks in her class etc..my point is that it just WONT matter in a year or more, your son will be thriving when he is ready.

i honestly used to think of getting up and leaving early in the morning so noone could hear me.
my ds is now 3 but he has never ever slept through the night, he wakes every 2-3hrs wanting drinks and cuddles etc. it basically led to the end of my marriage as i was so angry and sleep deprived all the time and i took this anger out on dh, who was very good at dealing with ds. But in the end it finished us.

please dont let this happen to you, go and see your gp now and get help.

turquoise - we do have a bedtime routine, which helps a bit, but i don't do cc or rapid return because i don't agree with it -- i think he's too little for anything like that.

the threats from HV came when ds was 7 weeks old and feeding constantly, obviously now i know it was a growth spurt, but she just told me to give him a bottle because i didn't have enough milk. i steadfastly refused (because i really didn't want to give formula, and he wasn't losing weight, and still plenty of wet/dirty nappies etc), and she said i was being cruel and that she could get in touch with SS, as i obviously wasn't coping. when gp learned that i wasn't going to wean till 6months she said, "Oh, you're one of those."

when i was in hospital having him, i discharged us as the mw was horrible and i just wanted to get home to my own bed and lovely community mw, and she said that if i tried to discharge myself she would put a ward of court on ds and keep him in. she didn't, obviously, but it really scared me.

i should explain that the mw in hospital didn't put a ward of court on him because there was no medical reason for him to stay in hospital. i don't know why she said she would, unless she could see that i wasn't going to cope....

omg, dont let any miserable HV force you into feeding formula if you dont want to , stick to your guns, formula is made up of crap basically (my humble opinion) and i cannot believe it when HVs do this!!!!!
they should award you a medal for BF and not giving in!

i had the constant BF thing with dd, she used to feed every 20mins, but i would not give her a bottle cos the HV told me to. i cant believe they would threaten you with the SS !!

shall i go and find this HV for you and give her a piece of my mind???!!

agbu - dh already put a complaint into the surgery about this particular hv about that. we got an acknowledgement from the practice manager, and the hv has taken early retirement. but the fear's still there on my part...

Namechanger they have no grounds whatever for the threats they made! I was being cautious re CA in case you had other matters on the boil that made them threaten you like they did - I think you appear to have the worst gp/hv combination I've ever heard of

It's no wonder you're having trouble getting over the bumps of early parenting when the people who are supposed to help you are ganging up on you.

If you've had depressive tendencies in the past, can you feel in yourself that that is the issue now? Can you switch GP's, see if you can find a more supportive one, and work through possible meds with them?

I'm going to stomp around and clatter some dishes about now in irritation at your medical 'team'. Grrrr.

jayjnehater - i do feel depressed sometimes, i also get the urge to selfharm (i don't) so i can recognise the feelings. i just want to go up to people and say, "Please, what it is it you are feeling that i am not?"

it is normal to feel like that at the early stages of parenting.
all your life is turning around your baby.
do you have any time out?

turquoise - ds won't take a bottle so it's very hard for me to have any time away especially in hot weather, as he won't take water fom a beaker either. i do get the occasional evening out with my pre-baby friends, and i start to feel normal, then i have to go home and be mumma again.

i should also add that before i got pg i was a massive pot-head. i used to smoke weed constantly, it was my coping mechanism. now i don't have that coping mechanism i really struggle, and i don't want to replace one drug with another and go on AD's.

I think jaynehater has made a really good suggestion - change your GP to one who will do the job they are there to do and help and support you.

There is no need for anyone to suffer in silence with depression anymore. I can understand that your past experience with meds will make you think 'what's the point?' but there should be an AD that will help you. Like I said I suffered on and off for years before I got the help I needed. I also had therapy as I had had issues to deal with. I just wish I had got help sooner.

Life can get better....and you deserve better than the awful way your healthcare team have treated you.

x

namechange. i know how it feels when everything feels like its piling up on top of you. you are not a failure at all. anybody knows that lack of sleep makes it nigh on impossible to function normally. you need practical help.

is there any chance that DH can summon up troops (friends, family ect) to help have a blitz your house? if you could maybe spend a day away while they springclean? i only say this because i know when my house is a mess (which is quite often btw) i seem to feel worse in myself. i know its only a part of the problem but if you allow time to tackle each problem individually it wont seem so daunting.

i am pro breastfeeding and i am proud of you that you stuck up for you and DS against the HV. is it possible that, just for a couple of days you could express your milk so others can take over while you rest?

i know its easy for me to say and hard to do but as i said i think the best approach is one step at a time. i promise it will get better you have to be kind to yourself first before you can focus on others. please ask for help, its not admitting defeat, its for the welfare of your family which is nothing to be ashamed of.

i wish you all the best

awwww namechange dont think so neggative about urself.Bringing up a baby is bloody hard work emotionally and physically.Is ds teething more than usual?? the pains could be waking him in the night.Also every baby is differant and will reach their own milestones at differant times,if u are fretting about his food then try to cut out a bottle or bf during the day.might make him feel hungrier if hes not filling his tummy up on milk.why dont u look into changing your gp if your having such emotional stress about it, you'll probably get a new health visiting team, im sorry uve had such a negatice experiance but i promise they're not al like that x

i think you have to make some choices to change the conditions which are causiing distress other wise it can become worse (i hope not).

ellsbells - my mum would help clean i think, but she has already helped me to blitz the house a couple of times - it's keeping it clean that i struggle with! ds has just been rolling around on the living room floor and he is covered in little black bits!

NameChanger, I think you are doing amazingly well considering that the health professionals that should be helping you are doing the opposite.

I cannot comment on all the aspects of your post, there are so many, and I haven't experienced them all.

" i know it's reassuring to say that i love my baby, but sometimes when he's crying and i can't work out why i feel totally dispassionate towards him. it scares me "

I think you are exhausted and frustrated. Sometimes we protect ourselves when the going gets tough, and take on a veil of dispassion to get through. Dont worry about this, and dont feel guilty, and dont let it scare you. It is your coping mechanism kicking in.

You need sleep. If he wakes up every two hours of the night, you are probably sleep deprived. This will make it a lot harder for you to take charge of all the other issues that you have pinpointed is putting you down. Well done for analyzing this!

My DS2 was still in bed with me at one year, breastfeeding every two hours. My doctor told me that the best gift I could teach my baby was to sleep through and not wake up so often, and to achieve this we had to put him in his own bed. When cosleeping, as my baby would smell milk from me, he would be encouraged to wake up frequently in the night, and be less hungry in the day because he had spent the night eating. My doctor said that it HAD to be my dh doing this, as he was not lactating. It would take a week, and he should settle. In fact it took three days. My dh would put him to sleep in his bed in his room, and he would go and comfort him in the night. I think your baby is so young he might still need a late evening feed, so your dh could bring him to you for a feed, or give him a bottle (formula or expressed) and put him to bed again. This worked for us, and getting your baby to sleep and getting some sleep yourself might be what you need to be able to tackle the other issues you have.

The other thing, well done on wanting to get over your possible pnd without ad's. I did the same. But I was very lucky that I had a supportive partner. He started helping out a lot more, he dragged me out of the house, he bought me a bike so I could exercise (to release natural endorfines). And he said: "You dont need ad's, anybody looking at our life at the moment would say it is utter crap, because it is! Eating AD's will not change this, WE have to change our lives." Slowly we did, but the most important aspect was the sleeping, and me getting out, and not least feeling that my dh actually supported me and was on my side and trying to help me get better. So, if you are not doing so already, get your partner involved in your wellbeing. You need help and support. You are in this together.

Question: what solids are you feeding? baby rice, or pured fruit/veg? If you skipped the baby rice and went straight to fruit/veg this may be too unfamiliar for baby. Worth trying just babyrice, maybe with a little sieved banana in.

Good luck and big hug

lol my ds is aways manky...part and parce of being a toddler,just set urself a little goal each day as to what bit of housework ur going to do, i get overwhelmed and dont feel like doing it sometimes,so instead of trying to do it all in one go i give nyself x amount of jobs to do for the day

thanks everyone who's taken the time to reply - just talking about it is helping!

Starry - wow, what a brilliant post. just knowing that someone managed to get through pnd without ad's is hugely helpful. i identify a lot with your post - our life is a bit shite at the moment as well, dh's job is less than ideal and we hate where we're living at the moment. i have ranted about both on MN under my usual name! he has an interview in Bristol next week, and i'm kinda hoping that we'll be able to move to a nicer area and maybe even buy our own house. one of the problems i am sure is our environment - we rent at the moment and the huose is pretty much falling apart. we can't do the repairs ourselves, can't afford it for one, and the landlord won't do it. he's pretty much said if we don't stop complaining he'll evict us with 2 months' notice which would be pretty disastrous.

my dh is pretty supportive - but he's really good at short term emergency things. like this morning when i was sobbing on the sofa cause there was a spider and i woke ds up shouting for him, he made me tea and breakfast which has helped, but now there's a huge mess in the kitchen which i'll have to tidy up. he will wash up but only under duress and has a much higher mess tolerance than me.

i'll tell him what you said about helping ds to sleep more. thanks again for your help, all of you.

Namechanger I think you are a brilliant and caring mum....I truly do.

oh, and to answer your question, i started off doing BLW, then tried purees and baby rice. he hated baby rice, hated banana, the only puree i managed to get into him was apple and vanilla pot! he quite likes eating biscotti and rusks, but just gags on them (see previous post) and i'm getting really stressed about it.

have u tried him with petit filous baby yogs??