I'm sorry to hear that today has been so upsetting for you. It's very human and emotionally regulating to cry at times of deep distress, and the children will learn something about that need. You can't shield or protect them forever from the emotional side of what you do as a mother. You're understandably fed up and miserable at present, probably partly because the future feels so uncertain and the promised support seems distant and ill-defined. Is there anyone you can contact to update them on just how compromised you're feeling now by the increasing risk to your own physical safety?
I imagine the summer holidays place extra demands on your reserves of strength, and perhaps bring up feelings of failing the children if you're unable to give them experiences or days out like some other families do. But that would be very understandable in your situation, because you don't have enough support to do so. Your devotion to the children does you credit but it's likely (inevitable even) that you have ambivalent feelings about that which are likely to add to that feeling of failing them. It's really important to acknowledge that anyone in your situation isn't going to feel just positive, benevolent feelings towards their kids. So-called negative feelings - resentment, for example - are natural in such restricted circumstances, and some part of you will feel angry that your son (albeit unintentionally) can be such a risk to your own safety. I wonder if you can get some support that would allow you an opportunity, even occasionally, to talk about the different feelings that arise for you in your courageous but extremely challenging parenting role. Do you talk to anyone from week to week about how it affects you emotionally? Someone who can focus solely on what you're sharing with them, to give you a sense of being seen, heard and understood?
The devotion you offer your kids is precious to them, don't doubt that. But equally you need opportuntities to let others take some of the strain. You don't mention anything about their lives 'out of your sight', so to speak - friends, relatives, playdates, etc.
I'm really aware of the growing threat to your safety that your son's involuntary behaviour represents. The aggression must be alarming and distressing and you feel vulnerable to potential harm from him. On an emotional level that must be very confusing for you, to love your son as your child but also be afraid of him harming you in a way that we don't commonly associate with parent-child relationships. And being his sole caregiver means you never really get a break from that underlying threat, which must be exhausting at times. I don't want to ask too much about sources of support that might already be in place or have been explored without success, coz I figure you wouldn't be posting if you already had what you needed. But again, I come back to this question of your own needs and whether you can identify even small chinks of 'leverage' that would give you just brief breaks from all that pressure to be the only one caring for the children. Do you feel you manage better in some ways during term-time? And are there any recent or impending changes that your son is aware of that might be making him anxious at present, more than usual? I'm thinking stuff like changing schools or classes, people leaving his life for any reason? Because those sorts of events can have a subtle but definite impact on children's emotional health and yet we often underestimate those influences and so kids don't get an opportunity to explore how they're feeling about them with someone who 'gets it'. Behavioural changes can be a result of unresolved feelings for children, just as certain experiences and changes can affect our moods and choices as adults. Do you think he seems particularly prone to lashing out or getting very over-excited or demanding recently?