I will never get better.

[mrsbounceisflat]

I don't believe in myself. I hate myself. I am lazy. I am evil. I have no life and everybody is fed up with me.
My 16 year old son has anxiety, depression and autism. He's been out of school since January 18. He took GCSES at home but will only pass 3.
I took an overdose in September and was in hospital for a month. My husband or should I say ex was arrested for sexual communication online with a 12 year old girl. They said the investigation would take 4 months, it is now 9 months and the waiting is making me ill. He admitted that and other stuff to me and my son.
Me and my son moved house 3 weeks ago. Everything is so hard I have bad thoughts, evil thoughts and freaky thoughts.
I have no idea how much money I have to live off, I'm not capable of running a house, I do get social care support and support from the CMHT.
My son was really hard to deal with. I'm anaemic, awaiting a further blood test. I wake up at 4 am every morning. I'm physically and mentally exhausted.
My CPN thinks I'm not trying hard enough, I don't have the energy.
I think the Samaritans are fed up with me.
I wanted to phone the CMHT this afternoon, but I was waiting for an update from the police, I've phoned them twice this week and they haven't returned my calls.
My psychiatrist is off until the end of the month. I am desperate, I am suicidal.
I am scared. I am alone.

Please get some help as soon as possible. Can you get someone to come over and sit with your son while you sort yourself out? Please either call yourself an ambulance, call the Samaritans or 111. No one should be feeling the way that you do, you are very poorly and you need to get some help. I am sending you a virtual hug and hand hold and I am telling you now what a brave person you are to reach out like this. However bleak it feels right now there is always help and people who can help you.

I'll phone 111 but they'll want me to go to hospital and I can't. I need to be in hospital but that won't stop the endless paperwork and appointments they'll still be there and it means asking my mum to take me and she won't.

You need to get yourself in a better place and then worry about paperwork. I don't know where you live but does your local county council offer family support to help with paper work etc? What do you feel that you need right now - what will help you the most?

Hi again!
I’m glad the moving was finished, and sorry to hear there hasn’t been a lot of progress/help otherwise.

Is there someone that can care for your son? If nothing else you need to think of him & the effect anything you do will have on him.

I've spoken to 111 they will either phone me in half an hour or send an ambulance in the next 2 hours.
I've let my mum know she's not happy, my son says he'll be happy on his own.

I think your mum should be with your son as Ambulance will not leave him home alone as under 18. Well done for taking first steps towards feeling a little bit better you are a very strong person.

I thought he only had to be 16, the whole system is crazy. I've tried to get social services support for him but children's services aren't interested, transition services aren't interested but they'll help if he wants to move out of home.

I'm not sure if he has autism and depression that he should be on his own? However the most impressive thing that you get help for yourself and that you are very honest about the help that you need so that you can be triaged properly.

Important not impressive / sorry autocorrect!!

I phoned 111 back and told them not to send an ambulance, I just can't go into hospital, the doctor phoned me back. I desperately need help, I might try and get an appointment with the other psychiatrist today as mine is off.
My son deserves better.

Hello op, I remember you from a previous thread, I'm sad to see you're not feeling good.

Please try and see the other psych tomorrow. Everything is a million times worse during the night isn't it? That's not me minimising your problems I promise, I've been in a low place myself though admittedly not suicidal, and it's the small hours of the morning which are the worst.

Keep on posting here, there will be someone up. I wake every day at stupid o'clock too, this is late for me!

I also have a 16yr old ds with autism, anxiety and depression so I know how scary this seems now. I know my ds would probably say the same over being ok on his own but would very likely worry himself sick if I was taken away in an ambulance during the night.

I am thinking of you

Don't want to phone the CMHT I'm sure they are fed up with me. I just wish this would all end. Thanks for the support last night.

People are playing mind games with me. I don't know who to trust. I'm seeing my CPN this afternoon but I think she's tricking me. I'm scared.

Just come across this thread, how are you doing since last night OP? I'm really sorry you're having such a hard time.

I've seen my CPN this afternoon, I said I thought everyone was working against me. I also said I'm wasting everyone's time, I won't get better.
There going to phone the police next week for me because it's making me ill. I'm now at the point of wanting him in prison, if only it was that easy.
I said i needed to be under the crisis team again, but there's no point. Only I can change me. I always think that Saturday is a good day for an overdose, I don't know why so I have to get through that.
She's texted me a list of 3 things I have to achieve next week, ones to get the train with my son to see a friend but she's away so I'll be let off that one.
The other 2 are easy for most people but will be hard for me.
I just hate life and don't want to be part of it.

Hello mrsbounceisflat,

We are really sorry to hear you are feeling this way.

We hope you don't mind, but when these threads are flagged up to us we usually add a link to our Mental Health resources.
You can also go to the Samaritans website, or email them on [email protected]. Support from other Mumsnetters is great and we really hope you will be able to take some comfort from your fellow posters, but as other MNers will tell you, it's really a good idea to seek RL help and support as well.

We hope you can attempt the 2 things you might be able to achieve and we also hope things start to look a lot brighter very soon.

Hi x sending love your way. When you were in hospital for a month,what sort of help did you get with your son,did your mum help you?. From experience with the crisis team,CHMT ring them and chase them ring them and chase them. You ring as much as you need. They are here for this,not for you to feel like you are "bothering them". Your fear of hospital is that you say that the paperwork etc will still be waiting on the other side...it will...BUT...trying to manage things at present...you are understandably finding very difficult..although it feels anxiety provoking and the polar opposite of what you feel like you want to do,could going to hospital actually end up providing the benefit you need?...I can understand that from what you have mentioned in the above post that it feels paralysing the place you are in at the moment ❤️xxx

Thanks for the replies. The crisis team will only keep me on their books a few days every month, although everyone admits I have been in crisis for 9 months, but they can't support me long term. I'll be on their books over a weekend then on the Monday I'm on my own again.
When I was last in hospital I was still with my husband so it was easier things kept ticking on at home.
We've got a leak in the new house nothing major, but will need sorting after the weekend. I don't have the time or the energy to sort it out but I know I have to.
I'm just crap at being a human, at being an adult.

I hope you like at least some things about your new home. Does it have a nice garden or bright kitchen?
Did you get the leak fixed yet?
Thinking of you.